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Msmarriedlady

So last night my husband and I were having a discussion. Now, before I go into detail; we've been married for 3 years with one daughter together and one on the way due in April. Now.. He has another daughter from a previous marriage, which im totally fine with! I love her and we do everything together. The only issue I have is his ex wife. I said to him several times that I don't want her around our home unless she's dropp off their daughter. She disrespects me all the time because she still wants him back. Anyhow... I think I was reasonable in saying that I don't want her around, in our business, or calling him outside of anything that has to do with their daughter. So having said all that, last night, my husband asks me "well u said you don't want her around but what if something happens to me? I'm sure she would come to the hospital if my daughter came." Ok... That's fine with me. He went on to mention when his daughter graduates high school or certain occasions. I'm really still unsure about the motive here. All I'm saying is I don't want her in our equation outside of their child. She calls him whenever she feels like it and the other day she called him cuz she wanted him to go to dinner at her friends house! I said no... He got mad. I'm tired of having to deal with this issue. I'm 3 months pregnant and he stays stressing me out! Any advice???

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She calls him whenever she feels like it and the other day she called him cuz she wanted him to go to dinner at her friends house! I said no... He got mad

 

He was actually planning to go with his ex wife to her friends place for dinner? And expect you to be okay with it?

 

He has to put boundaries up when dealing with his ex.

 

If he can't do that and is welcoming a friendship with her, spending time with her when she (ex) is rude to her and wants him back, well, he needs to figure out what his priorities are very quickly otherwise you boot him out on his a.ss!

 

I would hate to see your 2 kids without their father full time, but if he doesn't start cutting her off and making it clear he is NOT interested in her at all and tell her to back off, then your marriage is going to continue to have major issues, possibly leading to divorce.

 

This is ALL on him.

 

If his ex was putting their child first and making efforts with you, as a co parent and an ex, then you two would have a mutual respect and some trust. But sadly it isn't like that and he has to stop what he's doing.

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Msmarriedlady

I totally agree with you he said that he wasn't going to go to dinner with her but he was just trying to keep the peace. She's 50 years old and I'm not even 30 yet. I feel like I have been very cordial I have been very respectful but she is always very disrespectful towards me. I don't know why he's trying to fit her into our equation but I know that I am tired of it. He said he loves meand me only. I just want to live a drama free life, because I love him so much but I'm tired of him always bringing his ex up. I would hate the idea of having to leave him because I am pregnant with our baby, but this is really driving the wedge between us and I just don't know what to do.

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You are in a very emotional place due to all of your hormones.

 

He's trying to explain that he can't go NC on her & that she will always be there in some respects. He gave you examples: bringing the daughter to the hospital if he's sick; big events in daughter's life etc.

 

There are ways to manage the relationships: sit on opposite sides of auditorium; go get coffee or talk to the doctor while the daughter visits her sick father etc.

 

From his EX's perspective you are an interloper & she hates you. She will probably never not hate you because you are 20 years younger & she thinks you stole her husband. I'm not saying you did. I am saying that she may have a certain perception of you that is coloring her attitude. Your best strategies will therefore be avoidance when possible & killing her with kindness when you can't avoid her. It doesn't have to be deep but you need to be civil. (again, I'm not saying you aren't bending over backwards but that especially in public, butter shouldn't melt in your mouth).

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Msmarriedlady

That's such a good idea. ^^^ like I said I've always been very cordial. I have had a few run ins with her, but I've never been confrontational in any way. I am grown and I know how to be the bigger person. I am totally fine with life events that happen with him or his daughter but I'm just saying anything outside of that ... Should be irrelevant! Is that wrong? I feel like his ex has no place in our marriage nor in our business. I just feel like he's making excuses for her.

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Need to ask, were they already divorced when you two met and started dating? Or is this a result of an affair?

 

His ex will always be a part of your lives because of their daughter, that isn't changing, but what can change is, only dealing with her and seeing her when it has to do with their kid. Not to hang out, go to dinner etc.. Maybe in time, in the future once she accepts he isn't coming back to her. She should be accepting that they are over due to the fact he's married to you now, with a child and another on the way.

 

Talk to him calmly and just let him know how you feel and why.

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He has poor boundaries. She does it because he allows it.

 

Believe me - my boundary is perfectly clear with my exH. If he asked me for anything my automatic answer is NO.

 

I remind him I'm not married to him anymore - your H should remind his exW of the same thing.

 

 

For reasons you aren't seeing - he leads her to believe she can overstep the line and play a role like she's still his wife.

 

It's HIS fault for not being more proactive in bumping her back to her proper place.

 

Blame him not her. He may like the ego feed. He may not want her to start looking for other men. He may like the attention from both women.

 

 

Were you his OW while he was married?

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So yes everybody I had been seeing my now husband while he was still married to her.

 

Well no wonder she hates you.

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So yes everybody I had been seeing my now husband while he was still married to her.

 

And this is why she hates you and is interfering. She still loves him and obviously is trying to manipulate him using their child and also trying to spend time with him to woo him back. What is ironic here, he isn't fighting it. He was mad at you for not letting him go with to dinner at her friends house. Doesn't that say something? He either feels real guilty on how their marriage ended and he's trying to make nice for their child's sake or he's in limbo.. Maybe doing something he's not supposed to be doing.

 

Talk to him, sit him down and lay it all out on the line. Because of how the two of you got together, he may still have that 'cheating' mentality and you also know how well he can lie (since he lied a lot and was good at it when he was married and having an A with you). Not saying this to scare you but I'm sure it's crossed your mind...

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So yes everybody I had been seeing my now husband while he was still married to her.

 

Well this is a game changer to your story. You interfered with her marriage. Now she's interfering with yours. Just speaking objectively, what she's doing is actually fair.

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I think we have a man who has issues respecting the boundaries of his wife and marriage... in both cases.

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How can you know he's not having sex with HER now that he's married to you?

 

It's likely that he is - given her role of still acting like she owns him.

 

He hasn't changed a thing. He's still treasuring you like you're his OW even though he now married you.

 

He's a man who likes multiple women at once.

 

If you don't like that concept then divorce him.

 

Otherwise accept that this is how he is and that's what you married.

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this is so rich, all i can do is gloat. hahaha.

 

my kids have never even met their father's "girlfriend". never been anywhere with her, not even to her house. i say her house because he moved out of the love nest and got his own place. they are still together, not married.

 

i called him all the time. at work, on holidays, on his birthday on her birthday, on their vacations. hahaha. and you know what? she put up with it like the good little whore she is.

 

however, to answer the OP, i did promise my ex that one day, when the kids were old enough to drive, and IF they want to, then they can drive over and see the "soulmates" when ever they like. and they haven't gone over to her place, not once. they have seen her at a family wedding, she went with my ex to thanksgiving but no one even talked to her. you have to remember, they know she's a liar and a thief.

 

it's been years now and time takes care of most of this ****.

 

the kids will grow up, the wife will move on.

 

you will get older and hopefully, you and he will still be together when you get menopause, god willing.

 

good luck.

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you will get older and hopefully, you and he will still be together when you get menopause, god willing.

 

good luck.

 

Won't this guy be somewhere between 65 to 80 by then. I don't know his exact age, but he is a lot older. I don't get his appeal now, and I certainly don't understand why a much younger woman would want someone near or on retiremant. OP, what is so appealing about your husband?

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Like most OW you probably thought that his marriage was bad because of his wife or their relationship with each other. When you were in the affair, any issues that you had were likely blamed on his circumstances (being stuck in an unhappy marriage).

 

Character issues of the MM often get ignored because they are attributed to his situation.

 

You are now in the position to see his character issues.

 

He is conflict avoidant, which is the reason he chose an affair instead of a divorce (at his ex wife's expense), and also why he is "keeping the peace" at your expense.

 

He is concerned with himself, as always. So his desire to keep the peace with her (to avoid conflict), is more important right now than keeping the peace with you (although I'm sure you are getting the "keep the peace" treatment from him regarding other perceived conflicts).

 

One thing that is common in relationships with much older men, is a dynamic where the older man feels intellectually superior over the younger woman. So he will often keep things from her, disregard her opinions, think she's immature, etc.

 

So I would be concerned that he is keeping things from you, to avoid conflict with you, like he is doing with her.

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WasOtherWoman

As others have said, this really has more to do with your husband. Regardless of "who did what to whom" he needs to set boundaries for his ex-wife. Maybe she still does still want to be a part of his life? Maybe she is just doing it to get back at you, as others have said. Who knows? The issue really is your husband's.

 

My husband set very clear boundaries when it came to his ex. Funny, she and I wound up being friends and it all became a moot point, but in the beginning he was pretty clear on the boundaries.

 

You really need to talk with him....

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Like most OW you probably thought that his marriage was bad because of his wife or their relationship with each other. When you were in the affair, any issues that you had were likely blamed on his circumstances (being stuck in an unhappy marriage).

 

Character issues of the MM often get ignored because they are attributed to his situation.

 

You are now in the position to see his character issues.

 

He is conflict avoidant, which is the reason he chose an affair instead of a divorce (at his ex wife's expense), and also why he is "keeping the peace" at your expense.

 

He is concerned with himself, as always. So his desire to keep the peace with her (to avoid conflict), is more important right now than keeping the peace with you (although I'm sure you are getting the "keep the peace" treatment from him regarding other perceived conflicts).

 

One thing that is common in relationships with much older men, is a dynamic where the older man feels intellectually superior over the younger woman. So he will often keep things from her, disregard her opinions, think she's immature, etc.

 

So I would be concerned that he is keeping things from you, to avoid conflict with you, like he is doing with her.

 

Thanks for this. That's some really intelligent insight.

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