Discjockey80 Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 (edited) Never thought I'd ask one of these questions here.... Earlier this year my wife made a causal 'half-joking' comment about something that while otherwise harmless and other wise a non-issue...made me take notice.She came upstairs one night after being online for a bit and in a excited half joking way asked "Can I go to the Motley Crue concert with 'Dave' since 'Cindy' won't go with him?" (Cindy is Dave's wife) It was in her fake pouty, goofy, little girl voice. I just looked at her and smiled and laughed and shook it off and shook my head giggling. She then sort of looked aside and sighed it off and explained more. There was no dead serious follow up or otherwise asking if she could go. She is Crue fan. (I'm 34 and she is 41) A couple who she knows from many years back recently moved back to our area from out of state a couple years ago. (Dave and Cindy) Dave and my wife used to sleep together many many years back long before her and I ever met and before he was with Cindy. As an aside, we were at a function for some of her relatives just before this and Dave and Cindy were there. Dave is a decent guy, he wasn't overly flirty with my wife, other than some old jokes from the 'old days'. Whatever... She otherwise doesn't talk to him that I know of and has never carried on any sort of communication much at all since we have been together over the past decade. My question is...am I wrong to feel at least somewhat disrespected and out of ease at even an otherwise light hearted joke like that? She has never brought him up or otherwise even mentioned him at all since or before. But the fact that she would even joke about being able to go to a concert with him, likely getting somewhat drunk and them having a past.... It just took me back. It was a bit out of place for her in general terms. We have been married 8 years and have two kids. We both work full time. We have really been working at our marriage more this last year as well as the few years before had taken a stressful toll on us (House, jobs, kids, etc.) Its just funny how the slightest goofy comment seemed to get at me like that. Perhaps I am being too sensitive. Edited October 7, 2014 by Discjockey80 Link to post Share on other sites
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 Tell her in your best voice... "Sure you can go with him to the concert, I'll take Cindy out for the night. I may be back in the wee hours in the morning, so leave the porch light on for me." 5 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 no she shouldnt go with dave but maybe if she is a fan you can see your way clear to taking her on a date night to the motley crue concert as a surprise an unexpected pleasure can go a long way in helping your 8 year marriage in having some really really ....good and wild sex after a concert she adored........deb Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 NEVER talk yourself out of your instincts to be perceived as the "good guy." Tell her the truth. I am not comfortable with it. Maybe I am crazy but it makes me uncomfortable. Guess I'm jealous. Can I take you next time they are in town? Or, better yet, surprise her with tix, two of them, and you both go and meet up with Dave and whomever he takes beforehand. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 NEVER talk yourself out of your instincts to be perceived as the "good guy." . I don't really have any comments on this specific situation, but this is one of the best statements I have come across in quite some time. I think this is very applicable to many situations. Probably including this one as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Elliotte Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 Why do people think the "pouty, little kid voice" thing is cute? Especially when they're saying something obnoxious? If she wants to act like a kid when bringing up a sensitive subject about going out with a guy she used to have sex with, treat her like a kid and tell her "NO, YOU'RE GROUNDED YOUNG LADY". Hopefully that snaps her out of her silly behavior and then you can explain to her that this is in fact a volatile issue. I've been on both sides of this situation, and the fact is if you choose to marry someone, but you stay close friends with people you've screwed around with, 99.99% of the time the other person will not like it. Is maintaining a friendship worth regularly making your partner feel uncomfortable!? To me the answer is a big fat NO. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Turtles Posted October 9, 2014 Share Posted October 9, 2014 Yep, I agree. She absolutely wanted to go. Thing is there wasn't a lot of thought put into how Dave and their associated past played into that little joke. And I should add the 'joke' stemmed from the post she saw on FB where he was asking for someone to take the other ticket since his wife wouldn't go with him. Here is the thing...even in a casual comment like that if it had been me I would never include the name of an ex lover whether the situation just happened to involve them or not. Even if it didn't have anything to do with Dave. Rather just say...'hey honey I'd love to go to the concert'...etc. But it did have something to do with Dave since he had the extra ticket. It doesn't sound like she was making a serious request for it, or that there is a very volatile history between her, you and Dave. If she had cheated on you with him, or even cheated on him with you, I can see being upset, but as it is I think you are insecure, are making a mountain of a molehill, and it was pretty funny. Just my take on the situation, mind you, based on how me and my SO would react to that type of joke, but we've both made similar comments in the past and laughed about it so it would not be out of character for us. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted October 9, 2014 Share Posted October 9, 2014 (edited) Never thought I'd ask one of these questions here.... Earlier this year my wife made a causal 'half-joking' comment about something that while otherwise harmless and other wise a non-issue...made me take notice.She came upstairs one night after being online for a bit and in a excited half joking way asked "Can I go to the Motley Crue concert with 'Dave' since 'Cindy' won't go with him?" (Cindy is Dave's wife) It was in her fake pouty, goofy, little girl voice. I just looked at her and smiled and laughed and shook it off and shook my head giggling. She then sort of looked aside and sighed it off and explained more. There was no dead serious follow up or otherwise asking if she could go. She is Crue fan. (I'm 34 and she is 41) A couple who she knows from many years back recently moved back to our area from out of state a couple years ago. (Dave and Cindy) Dave and my wife used to sleep together many many years back long before her and I ever met and before he was with Cindy. . (Slamming on brakes noise) I kind of stopped reading your story after I read this last part. In no way shape or form should these two be left alone to go out together. Sorry stick to your gut...and I would keep an eye out. Edited October 9, 2014 by dichotomy 5 Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted October 9, 2014 Share Posted October 9, 2014 Your wife used to sleep with him! Even if there is nothing in it now, under no circumstances should you leave them together to share an experience. Once potential scenario They: Go to concert, have a beer, talk about band, talk about old times, remember when?, moan about spouses, you still look great, so do you, remember that night... etc etc NO - do not risk it! Take your earplugs, take her and grin and bear it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beatcuff Posted October 9, 2014 Share Posted October 9, 2014 i think you are overreacting because you are misinterpreting: ...my wife made a causal 'half-joking' comment "Can I go to the Motley Crue concert with 'Dave' since 'Cindy' won't go with him?" (Cindy is Dave's wife) especially when you add: It was in her fake pouty, goofy, little girl voice. now replace Dave with you and Cindy with her... she wants to go to the concert with you. but you have no doubt made it clear this 'band' is the lowest form of [insert comment here]. what a 'romantic' move it would have been to take HER. i HATE country music and the world knows that. my W loves Kenny Rogers. i took her to his concert (unannounced) 20 some years ago, to this day she will say that was one of her top 10 days of her life. yes i like the 'crue'... Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted October 9, 2014 Share Posted October 9, 2014 I think instead of the advice leaping to extreme and seeing the worst under every bed. Why not use this as a great opportunity to start a discussion with your wife about it? Start off with "can we discuss the conversation the other day about you going to the concert . . . ". Use it to open the door to discuss boundaries, expectations, fears, appropriate interaction with exes, etc. That it is a great opportunity for you both to address interaction with exes as that doesn't seem like it has come up before. You two can really use this as a way to deepen your relationship and become stronger as a partnership. Each couple will define boundaries with exes. Some are more relaxed and others have strict boundaries. If there is no history of cheating in your relationship than you approach and decisions may differ from those who have dealt with infidelity. But this is really for the two of you to define. Keep it in "I" statements and discuss how it has made you feel. If you two have been focusing on strengthening your relationship the past year this should fall nicely into the conversation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Discjockey80 Posted October 9, 2014 Author Share Posted October 9, 2014 i think you are overreacting because you are misinterpreting: especially when you add: now replace Dave with you and Cindy with her... she wants to go to the concert with you. but you have no doubt made it clear this 'band' is the lowest form of [insert comment here]. what a 'romantic' move it would have been to take HER. i HATE country music and the world knows that. my W loves Kenny Rogers. i took her to his concert (unannounced) 20 some years ago, to this day she will say that was one of her top 10 days of her life. yes i like the 'crue'... Whoa...hold up. I never said or implied this band was bad. They're good. No doubt. We didn't realize they were in town until shortly before the concert and no, I didn't plan to take her then. We already had some other defacto plans. But yes...she probably would have liked to go for sure. Missed that opportunity. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Discjockey80 Posted October 9, 2014 Author Share Posted October 9, 2014 I think instead of the advice leaping to extreme and seeing the worst under every bed. Why not use this as a great opportunity to start a discussion with your wife about it? Start off with "can we discuss the conversation the other day about you going to the concert . . . ". Use it to open the door to discuss boundaries, expectations, fears, appropriate interaction with exes, etc. That it is a great opportunity for you both to address interaction with exes as that doesn't seem like it has come up before. You two can really use this as a way to deepen your relationship and become stronger as a partnership. Each couple will define boundaries with exes. Some are more relaxed and others have strict boundaries. If there is no history of cheating in your relationship than you approach and decisions may differ from those who have dealt with infidelity. But this is really for the two of you to define. Keep it in "I" statements and discuss how it has made you feel. If you two have been focusing on strengthening your relationship the past year this should fall nicely into the conversation. Overall, we have a healthy history in terms of no cheating or inappropriate behavior. This is probably a mountain out of a molehill in terms of the overall situation compared to a lot of instances we see and hear here but the insinuation behind the joke was disrespectful. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted October 9, 2014 Share Posted October 9, 2014 Overall, we have a healthy history in terms of no cheating or inappropriate behavior. This is probably a mountain out of a molehill in terms of the overall situation compared to a lot of instances we see and hear here but the insinuation behind the joke was disrespectful. First I would "seek to understand then be understood". So right now I feel like there is some assuming being down on the insinuation about the joke. It could have been as simple as wanting to go to the concert. It could have been a lack of understanding of the sensitivities of going with an ex. So what I do suggest is ask her what was the meaning behind the request? Why did she approach it in the manner she did? Did she see how it was overstepping some because it was with an ex/opposite sex? Discuss it and see if your assumptions are correct or maybe she can enlighten you on her thinking process or apologize for not thinking it through well enough. I don't think you are making a mountain out of a molehill. I just think it sounds like fairly uncharted territory and something you two don't have hammered out. Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted October 9, 2014 Share Posted October 9, 2014 Will Dave be going to this concert if Cidny cant go? No wiggle room to buy the tickets off him, take her yourself and win top-husband-points? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Discjockey80 Posted October 9, 2014 Author Share Posted October 9, 2014 Don't know if he did or not. The concert was back in the summer. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted October 9, 2014 Share Posted October 9, 2014 Don't know if he did or not. The concert was back in the summer. Obviously this happened a long time ago. This is really eating at you. Why haven't you addressed it with her yet? Link to post Share on other sites
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