Why won't he just propose already? I need serious !

[MandyNichkole]

This is going to be long and possibly confusing so I'm going to put this into a bullet points format to make it easier:

 

-We met when I was three months shy of 17 and he was 22.

 

-I basically moved in with him a few months after dating (I was staying at his house all the time and rarely went home)

 

-he got kicked out of the place he was staying and we were homeless. We had to stay at friend's house every night and occasionally sleep in my car. I had to option to go to my parents house and sleep in a cozy bed but I wasn't going to abandon him and leave him without a car too so I stayed by his side.

 

-a few months into being homeless we found out we were pregnant (I was 17 by this time and he was 23). Even though I had the option of going to my parents house I chose to couch surf and sleep in the car while pregnant because, as I said above, I was not about to abandon him.

 

-After being homeless for about 7 months we got an apartment when I was about 6 month pregnant.

 

-we had our daughter on 12/7/13.

 

-things were going fine for a few months and then when our daughter was about five or six months old I had a moment of realization and knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and marry him. *two years into our relationship now*

 

-I revealed my feeling to him and he gave me the "I'm not ready but i do want to marry you SOMEDAY" response. I got depressed and cried to him almost nightly about how bad I wanted him to be my husband.

 

-After a few months of that I finally told him that I'm not going to be strung along any more and I need to move on if this is going nowhere.

 

-the next day he "proposed" to me. I was in our livingroom, in my pajamas, eating a burrito when he asked.

 

-I was pretty disappointed with the half-asked proposal and the bought-on-a-whim ring. (I know, that may sound shallow but I didn't take him seriously)

 

-I took the ring and said I'd think about it and went outside to call my friend.

 

-I went back inside and we just sat there like nothing happened and my friend calls to congratulate him. He then replies in a very monotone manner with "thanks...but don't tell anyone".

 

-it was then that I realized that he didn't mean it (the proposal) and he wasn't excited about it and honestly, neither was I.

 

-I rejected the proposal because I was wrong by pressuring him and that made the proposal ingenuous.

 

-I kind of felt like maybe he just isn't the marriage type right now and won't be for a very long time. I mean, he has said that he wants to marry me so isn't the next step to ask? Why did I have to pressure him and basically give him an ultimatum to make him propose? If he felt as passionately about me as I do him then we would be getting this show on the road, right?

 

-*fast forward about three months to now* Since the botched proposal I've been feeling resentful towards him and don't really care much about our relationship anymore. I let go of the marriage topic and have been trying to come to terms that I won't be walking down the aisle any time soon if I stay with him. I've been bottling up all my resentment towards him for not making me his wife as much as I could. I've been trying to convince myself that marriage is just stupid and I don't NEED it. However, whenever I see my friends getting married and engaged I just want to punch him and cry. I think to myself...

"why am I not good enough? " "If I were truly his dream girl then he would have been ecstatic when I sat there in a puddle of tears pouring my heart out to him about how bad I want to be his wife and he would have given me a genuine proposal" "What is wrong with me?".

 

-Well, we got into it last night because I blurted out all my feelings that I've been trying to bottle up and hide from him regarding marriage. He says that he still isn't ready. I asked him "answer me this, am I the one?". He replies saying something along the lines of "it's hard to say...relationships take time...blah blah blah". Ok, red flag! We've been living together for two and a half years and have a 10 month old daughter together and you're not sure if I'm the one? It's not like I've ever cheated on him or given him a reason to second guess me...I've been 100% faithful.

 

Now I just don't know what to do. I'm stuck in limbo--I can't imagine myself without him but i want to settle down and have a "real" family.

We haven't had any major issues up until it dawned on my that I wanted to marry him but now my resentment is growing and it's effecting a lot of things in our daily lives because I just want to punch him in the throat and say "I'VE BEEN NOTHING BUT GOOD TO YOU. COME ON, WE'RE GETTING MARRIED RIGHT NOW! QUIT FIGHTING IT...I LOVE YOU DAMMIT!!!"

 

What do I do?

 

We've lived together for two and a half years, have a child, he will be 25 in January, and I am 19 (I'm young, I know, you don't have to tell me).

[MandyNichkole]

Anyone???????????

[Got it]

Mandy - I would take a step back, a very deep breath, and try and look at the big picture. Maybe his hesitation is a very big silver lining.

 

I get you want to get married but are either one of you actually ready for marriage? Yes you have a daughter but what have you two done to grow up to be able to put the best foot forward into this marriage? Are you sure he is actually the right guy or the guy right now?

 

Instead of looking at marriage, I would really really focus on your own financial and life development plans. Did you finish high school? If not, get your GED, start looking at college classes. Can you afford to find a home? Start developing yourself, for the sake of your child and yourself, and then evaluate if he is really someone you want to marry.

 

I get you love him and want to marry him but that will not change your situation one iota. And your situation needs improvement, for both of you.

 

Just take a deep breath, ignore the wedding industry right now, and really start to look at what is best for your long term plans. If he is, then he will be in 5 years. But you are young and may very easily change your mind in the next few years.

 

Please please please, focus on yourself and your development and start working on your skill sets that will be there to support you with or without a significant other.

[oldshirt]

(Side bar comment - I don't know what to tell Mandy, but I do know I need to keep a good healthy relationship with my soon to be 13 year old daughter )

[Keenly]

Okay... let me try and wrap my head around this.

 

 

You pressured him into proposing once before , and then you rejected that proposal because you felt it was meaningless, and that he only did it because you pressured him.... and noe you sit here pressuring him again...

 

 

 

 

 

YOU clearly are not ready for marriage, because you are in love with the fantasy of what s marriage is, rather than the reality of what it is.

 

 

You have a lot of years to go before you are mentally and emotionally mature enough to even think about marriage seriously.

 

 

The more times I read your story the more sick it makes me.

 

 

 

You clearly are more in love with a wedding than a marriage because look how ridiculous you get about something stupid like " I was in my pajamas eating a burrito " implying you want to make a big show of it and soak up all the attention.

 

 

 

You are lying to him. You don't want to be his wife, you just want a wedding. If you really wanted to marry him you would not have flat out rejected him when he asked you.

Edited October 7, 2014 by Keenly

[SawtoothMars]

What do I do?

 

We've lived together for two and a half years, have a child, he will be 25 in January, and I am 19 (I'm young, I know, you don't have to tell me).

 

You are 19... so I get it.

 

What do you feel being married going to change for you?

[veryhappy]

Because men aren't that keen on marriage at such a young age. Because life with a baby doesn't necessarily scream happiness - after barely not being homeless anymore. Look this guy seems the bee's knees, but you may be wrong. Getting married to him might actually hurt you. You have a very romantic view of life that may not fit how men think in general. You think he'll appreciate you being on the streets with him and you'll be crushed if he moves on with another lady in his life. Focus on your life and your daughter and quite frankly prepare for a future without him.

 

 

Oh and a piece of advice for life. Take people at face value and do not try to change them. If he's telling you that he doesn't want to marry you and you aren't the one, accept that. The worst thing you can do is spend your life convincing him you are worthy of his love.

Edited October 7, 2014 by cutedragon

[Elliotte]

You both should be working on nothing but being parents and establishing yourselves financially. You sound like you're expecting a marriage to "fix" all the madness with your situation and it most definitely won't, in fact your pressure is making it worse. You are 19, you don't get everything you want in life without hard work and taking the time to do things properly.

 

Focus on your careers and raising your child, and occasionally getting out and doing all that discovering yourself stuff that people in their twenties are supposed to do as new adults. Rushing into the domestic habits of older, experienced adults and thinking thats going to make you happy is 99.999999% likely to end in you getting very depressed because it is not as great as you think it is.

[MissBee]

It doesn't seem like this guy is ready to marry you.

 

You are both pretty young and it seemed like you catapulted yourselves into a ready made family, living together, having a baby and all this before really taking the time to grow your relationship and grow as individuals.

 

Most people in their early twenties and late teens date a lot before they are ready to settle down and the thing with having kids and moving in too soon at this age sometimes is you feel locked in, because you now have a family and live together, but in your heart you don't want to marry this person. You guys have responsibilities together, your child and your bills, but I think for example, if you didn't have a child or didn't live together, you'd see a different relationship...where maybe you wouldn't have stayed together.

 

Marriage is not a reward for being good to someone or not cheating. You keep saying how good you are to him and are faithful as some kind of reason he should marry you. I don't think you should force it. He is the father of your child and you've been together for a bit so I understand the desire to make it official...but I think you should respect his pace and also really consider for yourself if you two are even compatible for the long term. You're still young and lots of young marriages go south because people were too young when they decided to do it. Give yourself time to grow more and figure out if you even want to spend your life with his man. It is evident he is not sure about that with you, and I don't blame him, as lots of guys his age aren't ready and it is better you accept he's not ready than force him to marry you then he's not really into it anyway and you have an unhappy marriage.

[thenotemakers]

@MandyNichkole: I’m glad you had the courage to share your story, friend. I am so sorry you are hurting. While I wish I had some quick fixes to your situation, I believe it needs more serious thought. Mainly, because this involves your little child. Have you thought about speaking to a counselor? How’s your relationship with your family? May be they can offer you some helpful advice? I’d encourage you not to make any big decisions until you’ve gathered enough (wise) input into your circumstances. I just said a prayer for you and hope all goes well. “Hugs”

 

TheNoteMakers

[Poppygoodwill]

Lots of wisdom here, but the main point is: you want to be married and he clearly doesn't right now, and you have no idea when, or if, he ever will.

 

He's being honest at least, and telling you that he's not sure if he wants to marry you. Better than putting a ring on your finger and stepping out on you because he shouldn't have been there in the first place.

 

But anyhow - he doesn't want to get married for the forseeable future. It's a fact.

 

And you clearly want to be married. It's very important to you. That's also a fact. Both are perfectly valid.

 

The other poster is right: marriage is not the prize for being a good partner, or for being loyal to him through the difficult period of homelessness. You can't expect it to come to you if you just wait long enough and be good enough. It's unreasonable to expect another person to give such a huge commitment under those conditions. And BTW - you don't want a man who feels duty bound to marry you. You want, and deserve, a husband who couldn't wait to marry you, who loves the idea of being married to you.

 

So what does that mean for what you decide to do with your life now?

 

Maybe you give yourself a time limit - another year, perhaps - for a change in the situation, and then if he still doesn't want to marry, you walk away adn get on with finding a partner who wants the same things you do?

[Sunlight72]

Dear Mandy,

I'm sorry you are feeling unhappy and frustrated with your relationship status.

 

There is really a lot of good advice above this, please read what people have written to you 3 or 4 times.

 

I'm 42. I've been married and divorced twice.

 

Then I started to look really hard at myself and get honest with how I behave in a relationship and how I see the world, and learned a lot!

 

I used to hope and dream that if I loved my wife enough, and worked hard enough, and sacrificed for our marriage, she would become a happy person and love me, and love herself more days than she was depressed and indifferent toward me and toward herself.

 

It didn't work, in either marriage even though I worked so very hard to make them happy that I thought I would die.

 

It really, really hurts. After y.e.a.r.s. of hard emotional struggles though, I now am Much, Much better for it.

 

Being married is no great thing. It will still be the same two people, with the same bills, the same habits.

 

Please consider this lesson I learned through a lot of pain and trouble;

in a relationship you should do what you are comfortable and happy to do at the time (period).

 

Do not sacrifice anything more than you are happy and content to sacrifice. Once you sacrifice something, it is gone. There is no savings bank of pain that can be cashed in later.

 

If you can step back, or ask a friend who knows your life story, you might see that your boyfriend's actions are telling you this. You did not 'earn' a deposit slip by sacrificing for him, that you can now redeem to get the marriage proposal you want.

 

You do not earn credit for your suffering. Only do what you can do with a happy heart right now.

 

Separately, I learned that however the relationship is *right now* is probably better than it will ever be again. Don't hope it will change, because it will change, but not in the direction you dream of. Your partner will get more bored and take you more for granted from now on into the future.

 

If you married your boyfriend soon, would you still be happy to be married to him after 5 years of fading love from him? 15 years of fading? 25 years of fading?

 

Be very careful dear Mandy, and I do wish you the best of luck and happiness, what ever you decide

[Sunlight72]

Also,

where I wrote,

"You do not earn credit for your suffering. Only do what you can do with a happy heart right now.",

 

that goes for your boyfriend from his perspective also.

 

He should only propose to marry you if he has a happy, loving heart that wants him to do it for his own wonderful, loving reasons.

[Arieswoman]

MandyNichcole,

 

The most important thing in both your lives right now should be your daughter and making sure she has a stable, safe, comfortable home where she feels loved, nurtured and is able to develop into a well-rounded person.

 

Forget all this crap about marriage and start thinking about this little life that you both lay down and created. Then start being the best parents you can be.

 

Then, only then, when the pair of you have a happy, secure and meaningful relationship can you think about marriage.

 

GROW UP and do it fast - your daughter needs you !

[Quiet Storm]

You think that because you sacrificed so much for him, it should make him see how loyal you are and what a great wife you would be. I understand that mindset, and it's a very common one, but it doesn't work like that.

 

When you sacrifice, tolerate and accept things that YOU SHOULD NOT ACCEPT (like being homeless), then there is a chance that the person you are with will devalue you. Often, people will form an opinion about the worth of others based on how much they value themselves. Accepting poor treatment and/or tolerating bad situations sends the message that you do not value yourself. (I'm not saying its true or that I agree, I'm just pointing out what others may perceive).

 

So the choices you have made- having blind faith in him, choosing to be homeless when you have better options, getting pregnant when you were homeless, etc.- may have sent subtle messages that you don't value yourself, which affected your worthiness TO HIM. I am not saying you are unworthy of a great relationship- you are. I am just talking about how he may perceive your value to his life. You can walk to the ends of the earth for someone, but if they don't value its, it's meaningless to them. We all want to be appreciated, but if we spend all day in the kitchen making a pot roast dinner for a vegetarian, our expectations are unreasonable.

 

You want him to treasure you and feel proud that you want to be his wife, which is how it is supposed to be. Marriage should be a step that both people want to take. He is just not feeling it, which I know must be very disappointing to you. But its much better that you know this truth, than to have him marry you out of duty or obligation.

 

I am very pro family and genuinely feel that in most cases, kids do better with both parents together. However, your child is young enough now that the loss of an intact family won't have as big of an impact. If you are considering ending the relationship, it would be much easier on your child to end it now. A baby is more resilient and won't grieve the loss of their intact family as much as an older child will.

 

I can feel the resentment in your post, and carrying that around isn't good for you or your daughter. You feel that you have given so much to this relationship, and you want that investment to progress into marriage. I get that. But you can't make him want that, too. You also can't make him appreciate or value you. I know you want your little family to thrive & grow, but for that to happen, he must want it, too. If he doesn't, you have to evaluate the relationship based on what it IS- not what you want it to be.

 

When we are emotionally involved with people- whether romantically, friendship or family- it is very easy to see potential, and ignore reality. That is what I think you are doing- you see his potential, and you want to have faith because you KNOW he could be what you want- but you also minimize the reality. He may have the potential to be a good husband, but he's just ever not going to be that if he doesn't want to be married. So you have to say to yourself "If this is all it ever is, will it be enough for me?" And it sounds like it's not enough for you.

 

This is a time sensitive decision, too, because of the age of your daughter. If you split up now, your daughter will have a much easier time adjusting than if you split a few years down the line. Don't waste years in a hopeless situation waiting for him to change, because your child will cope much easier now in this stage of development.

[MuscleCarFan]

MandyNichcole,

 

The most important thing in both your lives right now should be your daughter and making sure she has a stable, safe, comfortable home where she feels loved, nurtured and is able to develop into a well-rounded person.

 

Forget all this crap about marriage and start thinking about this little life that you both lay down and created. Then start being the best parents you can be.

 

Then, only then, when the pair of you have a happy, secure and meaningful relationship can you think about marriage.

 

GROW UP and do it fast - your daughter needs you !

 

This sums what I think about this thread. You need to focus on raising your daughter is a safe stable environment, not getting married. There is plenty of time for that later on.

[travelbug1996]

Where are you in terms of your education and a career. Did you graduate from high school? College?

 

Gotta build a foundation first. Marriage can come later.