Has my low sex drive driven him away

[iamtotallylost]

I have been married to my husband for 26 years. I think I have ruined everything. I have a problem wanting sex, and I think he has given up on me. I found out that he is checking out websites for sex with women in our area.

He is a good person, he would do anything for anyone that needs help. Always did whatever I needed, and put up with all my crap. He would do anything for our children, loves them with every ounce of his being even when they do stupid stuff.

I have had sexual problems for years, but managed to do enough to keep him. For the last year he has been working out of town 2 weeks a month. The second he walks in the door he is all over me and he tells me "you know you want it". I feel disgusting during sex and after we are done I go to the shower and cry. I have been unhappy in our marriage for years, not sure how we lasted this long. We never talk about how we are feeling, we don't argue, we just ignore each other when one of us is angry at the other one. He has commented about my body in negative ways a couple of times. And now when I think of sex with him or while we are doing it all I think of is the things he has said. I keep thinking he can't possibly love me if he doesn't like these things he has brought up, he is on top of me only because he "needs it". Now, with what I have found, I know that I will be thinking even more awful thoughts the next time. And, yes he is right I do want sex, but I can't. I am a mess!

I probably have no right to be angry with what he is doing, but it hurts so bad and all I ever wanted was to make him happy and grow old together.

I am thinking I should divorce him (before he breaks my heart) so he can find someone with more sex drive and a better body. But, I really don't want to live without him.

 

Can anyone help me, I feel like I am drowning.

[goodyblue]

I have been married to my husband for 26 years. I think I have ruined everything. I have a problem wanting sex, and I think he has given up on me. I found out that he is checking out websites for sex with women in our area.

He is a good person, he would do anything for anyone that needs help. Always did whatever I needed, and put up with all my crap. He would do anything for our children, loves them with every ounce of his being even when they do stupid stuff.

I have had sexual problems for years, but managed to do enough to keep him. For the last year he has been working out of town 2 weeks a month. The second he walks in the door he is all over me and he tells me "you know you want it". I feel disgusting during sex and after we are done I go to the shower and cry. I have been unhappy in our marriage for years, not sure how we lasted this long. We never talk about how we are feeling, we don't argue, we just ignore each other when one of us is angry at the other one. He has commented about my body in negative ways a couple of times. And now when I think of sex with him or while we are doing it all I think of is the things he has said. I keep thinking he can't possibly love me if he doesn't like these things he has brought up, he is on top of me only because he "needs it". Now, with what I have found, I know that I will be thinking even more awful thoughts the next time. And, yes he is right I do want sex, but I can't. I am a mess!

I probably have no right to be angry with what he is doing, but it hurts so bad and all I ever wanted was to make him happy and grow old together.

I am thinking I should divorce him (before he breaks my heart) so he can find someone with more sex drive and a better body. But, I really don't want to live without him.

 

Can anyone help me, I feel like I am drowning.

 

You are going to get a lot of answers. But the simple answer is, you need to seek therapy and find out why you feel the way you do about yourself, and why you have hang ups about sex. Nobody here is qualified to answer such a deep question. Don't listen to anyone... just find a therapist. I wish you well.

[SawtoothMars]

I have been married to my husband for 26 years. I think I have ruined everything. I have a problem wanting sex, and I think he has given up on me. I found out that he is checking out websites for sex with women in our area.

 

I feel disgusting during sex and after we are done I go to the shower and cry.

 

I am thinking I should divorce him (before he breaks my heart) so he can find someone with more sex drive and a better body. But, I really don't want to live without him.

 

Can anyone help me, I feel like I am drowning.

 

So... you don't like sex because you have body issues? Or because you are angry with how he talks to you?

 

I think it would help to know what specifically is the problem. I can tell you as a guy that sex=love. If your wife doesn't want sex with you... she doesn't love you. I can't tell you whether he is taking this step because he is done with the marriage or he just wants to feel like somebody wants him. I think you should answer that question ONLY after you figure out why you can't be intimate. Let's face it... if the problem can't be fixed... then what's the point of sticking around?

[HereNorThere]

Have you seen a doctor or therapist regarding your sex problem?

 

It seems as though you already want a divorce and are looking for a reason. I read nothing in there about how you are trying to solve the issues, only blame them on something.

[goodyblue]

I have been married to my husband for 26 years. I think I have ruined everything. I have a problem wanting sex, and I think he has given up on me. I found out that he is checking out websites for sex with women in our area.

He is a good person, he would do anything for anyone that needs help. Always did whatever I needed, and put up with all my crap. He would do anything for our children, loves them with every ounce of his being even when they do stupid stuff.

I have had sexual problems for years, but managed to do enough to keep him. For the last year he has been working out of town 2 weeks a month. The second he walks in the door he is all over me and he tells me "you know you want it". I feel disgusting during sex and after we are done I go to the shower and cry. I have been unhappy in our marriage for years, not sure how we lasted this long. We never talk about how we are feeling, we don't argue, we just ignore each other when one of us is angry at the other one. He has commented about my body in negative ways a couple of times. And now when I think of sex with him or while we are doing it all I think of is the things he has said. I keep thinking he can't possibly love me if he doesn't like these things he has brought up, he is on top of me only because he "needs it". Now, with what I have found, I know that I will be thinking even more awful thoughts the next time. And, yes he is right I do want sex, but I can't. I am a mess!

I probably have no right to be angry with what he is doing, but it hurts so bad and all I ever wanted was to make him happy and grow old together.

I am thinking I should divorce him (before he breaks my heart) so he can find someone with more sex drive and a better body. But, I really don't want to live without him.

 

 

 

Can anyone help me, I feel like I am drowning.

 

I am going to post again, because the sentence about the 'better body' is bugging the crap out of me. I am a little fat girl, and my guy LOVES me. Loves to be intimate, and the reason he does is that I am not ashamed of my body, something he has never encountered.

 

There comes a time when you have to own your body whatever it is. If he is saying things that blow your self esteem he is a sh*t. If it is you and past hurts that is causing this crag in your relationship, it needs to be addressed. It sounds like you love him. But you don't trust him.

 

I have NO fear in being naked with my guy, because I know he loves ME. And that is what you need to look for. Is there a way you can talk to him about your feelings? communication could turn it around if you both are wiling.

 

Again, I'm recommending therapy. You need some self love, sweetheart. Our bodies are not perfect, nobody's is, but our body allows us to feel. To feel the person we love's hands on us, to feel them embrace us, to want to be as close to us as possible.

 

I just can't help feeling that you need to have a clear, concise conversation with your guy about how you are feeling, and also about seeking a third party to help you take those steps.

 

We are so lucky to have bodies, no matter how they look. We can feel our lover's warm hand on our arm, feel the heat of their body when we stand close, and so much more that is non sexual. Think of holding a tiny baby, how they just warm up your body with their heat, and how when a friend hugs you, how you can just let a little bit of your worry go.

 

You have to get to know your body. Then you'll be okay. Talk to your husband. I think you'll be surprised at how he reacts. If he loves you, he'll want to work with you.

[iamtotallylost]

Thanks to all of you for answering me. You all confirmed what I was thinking I needed to do.

[oldshirt]

This is likely a very complex issue with no singular clear cut answer. It's something that both of you will need to address and will likely take a lot of work and some professional counseling and intervention.

 

 

Or it will likely be quicker and easier to divorce and just move on.

 

 

See below for some responses in bold to some of your statements -

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think I have ruined everything.

 

 

you probably had a lot of help ruining things.

 

 

I have a problem wanting sex,

 

 

If you ran into George Clooney and he started seducing you, would you have a problem wanting sex???

 

 

 

 

and I think he has given up on me.

 

 

.....or have you given up on him?

 

 

 

 

 

 

I found out that he is checking out websites for sex with women in our area.

 

 

 

 

has he had any success in finding any though? Have you asked about it???

 

 

 

I have had sexual problems for years, but managed to do enough to keep him.

 

 

So in other words, sex was a "price" you paid to keep him around to so some household chores???

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For the last year he has been working out of town 2 weeks a month. The second he walks in the door he is all over me and he tells me "you know you want it".

 

 

 

 

He sounds like a real charmer. I don't see how you can resist

(sarcasm in case you missed it LOL)

 

 

 

 

 

 

I feel disgusting during sex and after we are done I go to the shower and cry.

 

 

 

 

And have you done anything to address all these years such as counseling, discussing it with him, seeing a doctor etc etc ?

 

 

 

 

I have been unhappy in our marriage for years, not sure how we lasted this long.

 

 

Same question as above

 

 

 

 

We never talk about how we are feeling, we don't argue, we just ignore each other when one of us is angry at the other one.

 

 

The opposite of love is not hate. It is apathy.

 

 

 

 

He has commented about my body in negative ways a couple of times. And now when I think of sex with him or while we are doing it all I think of is the things he has said. I keep thinking he can't possibly love me if he doesn't like these things he has brought up, he is on top of me only because he "needs it". Now, with what I have found, I know that I will be thinking even more awful thoughts the next time.

 

 

These are the things that therapists are used to dealing with. Have you ever consulted one?

 

 

 

 

And, yes he is right I do want sex, but I can't. I am a mess!

 

 

 

 

Bottom line here is you are just as much of a sexual being as anyone out there, you are just not sexually attracted to, comfortable with or compatible with him anymore.

My next question is, were you ever???

 

 

 

 

I probably have no right to be angry with what he is doing, but it hurts so bad and all I ever wanted was to make him happy and grow old together.

 

 

And again I ask, have you ever done anything to address your anger or addressed the things he was saying and doing that have been turning you off and poisoning your desire and love for him all these years or have you just been sulking to yourself and letting your bitterness and contempt for him grow and fester???

 

 

 

 

I am thinking I should divorce him (before he breaks my heart) so he can find someone with more sex drive and a better body.

 

 

and so you can find someone that you can respect and desire?

 

 

 

 

But, I really don't want to live without him.

 

 

Why not? So you are basically saying that you don't love him and don't feel any love or desire for him, but you want to keep him around for (tell me what again?) and for that you are willing to pay the price by letting him use your body once a month because you think that he "needs it."

Do you have any grasp of the depths of the dysfunction you have going here?

 

Can anyone help me,

 

 

a skilled marital therapist might be able to.

A good divorce lawyer might be able to as well.

 

 

 

 

I feel like I am drowning.

 

 

Do you feel like you are sitting at the bottom of pool and it is getting filled with water and the water level is getting higher and higher and higher until pretty soon the water level is at your nose and you are trying to stand on your tippy-toes but the water level just keeps getting higher and higher??

If that describes what's happening to you, you need to do one of a few things -

- start to swim

- climb out of the pool

- drain the pool

Think about that.

 

 

 

 

[Better]

Honestly, I left my marriage because my wife wouldn't have sex. I don't know if she didn't want to have sex at all or if she just didn't want it with *me*. Either way, I was in a sexless marriage and it was miserable. Post-divorce I am much happier and find that the women I have dated want to have sex with me.

 

You either need to fix the problem if it is within you or move on. It doesn't matter if it's an attraction issue with your spouse or if it's an issue you need to work on about sex in general. Your marriage is unlikely to work if one of you wants to have sex and the other does not.

[iamtotallylost]

Thanks for the comments.

 

Now I feel worse than I did. I see that I am completely wrong for letting this happen to us.

 

I am attracted to him, have never wanted any other man.

 

I haven't talked to him about the websites, I just found them yesterday and he is hunting. He won't be home for a few more days. So, I am sitting here crying like a baby and wondering how far it has gone.

 

The sex problems started a few years ago when we were having sex and he found a skin tag in my genital area and said "gross, that is disgusting what the hell is it?" a couple months later he decided to tell me that I need to take a shower right after sex, because he didn't like the smell that our fluids make when they mix in me. Before these comments we had sex 3-4 times a week. It is kinda hard to enjoy sex when you think you have things on or in your body that made him say gross. I don't think he said any of that to hurt me, it just slipped, but it is still in my mind. I am sure he has forgotten what was said, he has a bad memory. But, I can't tell him how I feel because I am afraid he will feel bad about why I am having problems. Before anybody starts screaming at the computer screen... I know that not having sex with him makes him feel bad too. So, this is why I am drowning, I have blocks tied to my ankles and my head is so far underwater that no one can hear me screaming for help.

 

I did enough to keep him, because I love him and I thought I could get over what was said, not for chores. I do all the housework, I do the yard work, I help him in the garage, I do all of the paperwork for our business, took care of the 4 kids we had, we do projects around the house together.

 

No, he is not a charmer, but he is a man who needs sexual gratification, and I am the worst wife in the world for not giving him what he needs.

 

I can't afford therapy everything we have is tied up in the business.

 

And yes, I have thought of divorce for quite a while, neither of us needs or wants to feel rejected sexually. Right now that is how we both feel.

 

So, I need to get over all this stuff in my head and show him how I feel deep down inside, and if I can't I need to let him go so he can be a happier person.

[BetrayedH]

Get the therapy. If money is such an issue, trust me that therapy is far cheaper than a divorce. Besides, it's clear that you don't want a divorce. You're just so conflict-avoidant that you'd rather get a divorce than talk about it.

 

Talk about it, wth the help of a therapist. No excuses.

[A.Moscote]

Agree very much with BetrayedH, your story reeks of instances of avoiding conflicts and ineffective communications.

Take the long road of addressing it all first, it is still rectifiable. Gather your strength and confidence, then be bold and disclose/confront him about this issue. Fight for what you want, improve your marriage.

 

However (hate that I have to mention this), please keep your awareness on, and always be realistic, there's nothing precluding the possibility of him already have someone else. It is very common that the lack of sex would make some of us prone to cheating, to having an affair. Many stories here have that background.

 

I hope you will make it through this, but always be careful and prepared. Good luck.

[Michelle ma Belle]

You are going to get a lot of answers. But the simple answer is, you need to seek therapy and find out why you feel the way you do about yourself, and why you have hang ups about sex. Nobody here is qualified to answer such a deep question. Don't listen to anyone... just find a therapist. I wish you well.

 

Agreed.

 

There is A LOT going on here and this isn't something you will be able to "fix" on your own.

 

You NEED to seek therapy. Not only couple's therapy but most especially personal therapy. You have a lot of demons that need to be exorcised.

 

Good luck.

[oldshirt]

Get the therapy. If money is such an issue, trust me that therapy is far cheaper than a divorce. Besides, it's clear that you don't want a divorce. You're just so conflict-avoidant that you'd rather get a divorce than talk about it.

 

Talk about it, wth the help of a therapist. No excuses.

 

Yes to this above^^^^^^^

 

Therapy will be penny's to the dollar of a divorce.

 

 

This is an instance where therapy and couples counseling will probably be quite effective. Like you said, your husband did not mean to hurt you or make you feel this bad. He is probably just a bit of an insensitive jerk at times but means no harm. He will probably be horrified to know how much he has hurt you.

 

He needs to learn that words can cut real deep and cause serious damage. He also needs to learn how to repair that damage.

 

And you need to learn how to communicate more effectively and how to stand up for your own best interests and learn to address problems and conflict much much better.

 

Therapy and counseling can be very effective at all of these things.

 

This situation CAN be resolved here. All is not lost at all. You just need to address it head on and do something effective about it.

 

Your husband may be a bit clueless about things like feelings and such but he has to know something is wrong and he will want to fix it once he knows the depths of your pain.

 

It is his obligation to try to make amends for the hurt he has caused. But you also have an obligation to make him aware of the hurt he has caused and make him aware of the potential ramifications.

[Popsicle]

I wish I was married to a man who wanted me sexually that much after 26 years. That is special.

 

You NEED to tell him to stop criticizing you and putting you down. It's not sexy.

Edited October 7, 2014 by Popsicle

[Discjockey80]

The core of the fundamental cycle between men and women in marriage is that women need love and men need respect. When neither get what they need it causes a downward spiral of confusion, miscommunication and anger between both people.

 

You are probably both starving each other of the very things you both need to flourish. Sex is a sign of respect which equals love to a man. His psyche NEEDS it for him to be emotionally balanced and healthy as a man. Likewise you need love from him which would in turn help you to want to have sex more often. I suspect when you both start addressing those two needs, things will improve dramatically.

[Elliotte]

This feels a lot more scattered than just a issue of differences with sex drives. I agree 100% that marriage counseling is what you both need to do.