Kamina48 Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 (edited) My husband of nearly 5 years has kept in touch with a female coworker from a year ago (they no longer work together). He doesn't contact anyone through texting/social media/etc. first (he doesn't talk to anyone unless they reach out to him first), but she is the exception. He contacts her through text/social media multiple times a week, and in the past has said things like he misses her and how upset he is that he hasn't heard from her (I'm sure he still says it, but multiple texts just so happen to go missing). He flirts with her through text, but swears it's not flirting. He also reaches out to her when he has a problem instead of me. She is also married, and reaches out to my husband to tell him how much she hates her husband and bad mouths her husband constantly. My husband also rarely if ever comes on to me, and my attempts at anything end up with excuses out of him, sex MAYBE once a month or he just doesn't let me push for anything more than giving him a HJ/BJ. When he does say something to show he was interested earlier that day (before making his excuses) it's on a day he's been talking to her all day. I understand I can't tell him who he can/can't talk to, or tell him who he can be friends with. We've fought about this constantly for over a year now, and he just ignores my feelings about it. During the fights, he constantly tells me he's tired of me and how bad of a wife I am. I'm just wondering if there's feelings for her more than he's letting on, or if I'm just reading too much into this. Edited October 4, 2014 by Kamina48 Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 My husband of nearly 5 years has kept in touch with a female coworker from a year ago (they no longer work together). He doesn't contact anyone through texting/social media/etc. first (he doesn't talk to anyone unless they reach out to him first), but she is the exception. He contacts her through text/social media multiple times a week, and in the past has said things like he misses her and how upset he is that he hasn't heard from her (I'm sure he still says it, but multiple texts just so happen to go missing). I'm just wondering if there's feelings for her more than he's letting on, or if I'm just reading too much into this. He tells YOU that he misses her, or did you read their mesages, where he tells her he misses her? If you feel uneasy about their friendship you probably have a reason. Unless you're a paranoid person, a gut feeling is usually a reliable indicator, esp. combined with how he treats you. I would not let that slide. He definitely gets a kick out of that "friendship". Could be an EA. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamina48 Posted October 4, 2014 Author Share Posted October 4, 2014 I've read messages that he tells her these things. I should also add that he did cheat early on in our relationship with an ex. He says that he's not that person anymore, but never does anything to prove it. If he tells me he has a problem with ANYONE at all that I talk to, I nip it right there to show him that person doesn't mean a thing to me and my husband's more important, but he doesn't do the same. Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 He SHOULD be doing the same, though. His behavior is disrespectful, to say the least. Does he know you have read the messaes? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 If his behavior is making you feel uneasy you have every right to tell him to stop that behavior. What he does from there will allow you to understand if he values you or not. If he's not willing to consider that he's been hurting you by his actions then counseling may help. If he's cheating what do you plan to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamina48 Posted October 4, 2014 Author Share Posted October 4, 2014 If I ask him for his phone, he'll give it to me. So yes, he allows me to read the texts, but as I said some of them randomly go missing (usually in the beginning where he'd tell her he misses her or how upset he is). I have unseriously asked him to stop talking to her (as I've said I can't tell him who he can/can't be friends with), and he downright refused saying he's not going to lose a "friend" because of me. During fights he also pulls out the "at least she does this/that (supports him, doesn't bitch at him, etc.) for me" excuses. I don't think he would physically cheat on me again (at least I like to think so), but his actions really make me think there's something going on. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 Again? Did he cheat before? Do you have kids together? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamina48 Posted October 4, 2014 Author Share Posted October 4, 2014 Again? Did he cheat before? Do you have kids together? He cheated early on in our relationship ~8 years ago. We don't have kids yet (I have infertility issues)... Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyRock Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 He is cheating on you with her already. It's called an emotional affair. Read not just friends by Shirley glass. I would call a lawyer if I was you. You have a man that's cheated on you twice now and won't give up his affair partner for your security. You have no marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 You have no kids. I would sit him down and lay down the rules. You have nothing to lose. Link to post Share on other sites
SawtoothMars Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 She is also married, and reaches out to my husband to tell him how much she hates her husband and bad mouths her husband constantly. My husband also rarely if ever comes on to me, and my attempts at anything end up with excuses out of him, sex MAYBE once a month or he just doesn't let me push for anything more than giving him a HJ/BJ. When he does say something to show he was interested earlier that day (before making his excuses) it's on a day he's been talking to her all day. I understand I can't tell him who he can/can't talk to, or tell him who he can be friends with. We've fought about this constantly for over a year now, and he just ignores my feelings about it. During the fights, he constantly tells me he's tired of me and how bad of a wife I am. I'm just wondering if there's feelings for her more than he's letting on, or if I'm just reading too much into this. Hmmm.... I don't think your marriage problems are caused by this woman. I think she is most likely a symptom of the underlying problem. That said... if she is telling your husband bad things about her husband... that is affair starting behavior! IF he isn't interested in sex... check him for porn. This guy seems to be extremely upset with you. Why? I think that needs to be your top priority and number one goal. Fix whatever is driving a wedge between you and your husband... then get your sexlife back on track. If you do that, then this woman will just fall away. He won't have any interest in talking to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamina48 Posted October 4, 2014 Author Share Posted October 4, 2014 When I try to sit him down and talk to him about it he just blames me and tells me he's tired of me, that I ruined another day/weekend, that he doesn't care what I have to say/what happens between us anymore, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamina48 Posted October 4, 2014 Author Share Posted October 4, 2014 Hmmm.... I don't think your marriage problems are caused by this woman. I think she is most likely a symptom of the underlying problem. That said... if she is telling your husband bad things about her husband... that is affair starting behavior! IF he isn't interested in sex... check him for porn. This guy seems to be extremely upset with you. Why? I think that needs to be your top priority and number one goal. Fix whatever is driving a wedge between you and your husband... then get your sexlife back on track. If you do that, then this woman will just fall away. He won't have any interest in talking to her. I have found evidence of porn in the past, but he says it's to help our relationship/give him ideas. I obviously can't believe that, as he's never interested in doing anything and very rarely tries new things when we do have sex. I always ask what I'm doing wrong or what I need to fix in general for our relationship and he just ignores the questions or says "nothing". Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyRock Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 When I try to sit him down and talk to him about it he just blames me and tells me he's tired of me, that I ruined another day/weekend, that he doesn't care what I have to say/what happens between us anymore, etc. Any why haven't you filed for divorce yet? It's pretty clear it's what he wants. He is being passive aggressive about it so he doesn't have to be the one to do it. Empower yourself. You will do better then him! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 When I try to sit him down and talk to him about it he just blames me and tells me he's tired of me, that I ruined another day/weekend, that he doesn't care what I have to say/what happens between us anymore, etc. This is not good! He focuses his attention on another woman then expects to blame you? You can't fix HIS attitude! Are you thinking you need to stay married to him? Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 When I try to sit him down and talk to him about it he just blames me and tells me he's tired of me, that I ruined another day/weekend, that he doesn't care what I have to say/what happens between us anymore, etc. Isn't that your perfect answer to it all? In addition to another woman in the picture whose role in his life he's been downplaying, in order to get you off his back, and then the statements about it's all your fault blahblah....and the fact that he blames you and says you ruin eveything and he doesn't care??? Come on now. How much clearer do you need things to be? What do you expect? I feel for you, but you're in need of some TOUGH love here, my dear. Do you think he says these things to you and doesn't really mean them? Or what exactly is it that you - when listening to his disrespectful comments - are interpreting differently from how I and everyone else would interpret them? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 I'm left wondering if his gal friend would stick around if he talked to HER that way? Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 I'm left wondering if his gal friend would stick around if he talked to HER that way? Hahahaha. Right. Funny thing is, those guys never respect whom they should, but always those who don't do anything for them anyways. Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 He's more emotionally connected to her than you - red flag He refuses to loose a 'friendship' that mades you feel uncomfortable - red flag He doesn't initiate intimacy - red flag Only goes for HJ or BJ - red flag I'm sorry but you are not on a tandem bike anymore, he has transferred you guy on a trike. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 My short answer is yes. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 5, 2014 Share Posted October 5, 2014 I understand I can't tell him who he can/can't talk to, or tell him who he can be friends . Sure you can - and should! Both parties should discuss and set healthy boundaries, otherwise marriage becomes a free-for-all. Since your H is acting like a single person, perhaps he needs to become one... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted October 5, 2014 Share Posted October 5, 2014 He's telling you directly and with his actions that he's not interested in saving your marriage. He's already checked out of your marriage and is now in blame-shifting mode. It sounds like he wants you to get upset enough to leave so that he doesn't have to be the one to do it.... so that he can then say that you chose to leave and he did nothing wrong. Instead, give him the choice to go to counseling with you. If he chooses not to go, then you go by yourself. You've tried the "let's talk this out" path and it isn't working for you because he's not receptive to what you have to say. Quite honestly, he probably thinks that it's all your fault that he's doing what he's doing. If I were you, I'd start socking away money to be able to support yourself on without him and make an exit strategy. If he isn't going to respect you and will do nothing to help fix the problems then you'll be the only one fighting this losing battle. You can't fix him, you can't make him respect you and you can't treat him like a child that needs redirection. All you can do is figure out what you can handle and what you can't. Make that decision and then go from there. I'm not saying you should up and run out of your marriage without trying to work on it but I am saying that it sounds like there isn't much you can do to fix it without his input. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted October 6, 2014 Share Posted October 6, 2014 I don;t think he sounds like he wants to be married. But the good news is he sounds like a bit of s **** so you won't be losing much when you file for divorce. I am sorry x I know it isn't as easy as all that but the minimum you need is affection and respect. Link to post Share on other sites
darocksin2 Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 Hi Kamina48, I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult time in your marriage. Have you and your husband sought professional advice? A marriage counselor could probably be a real help. Praying for you!! Rb Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts