I don’t know how to deal with a stressful relationship?

[ohso]

We know we can just end it because we’re not compatible so I’m looking for constructive advices that work. It’s been almost 7 years since we’ve been together and of course lots of ups and downs. Every love story has 2 sides so this is mine, and then his, written by me.

 

I’m a laid back person who hates fights. I wish to be always happy or at least peaceful. I like us to hang out alone or with friends, go everywhere and do everything. But I also like to be alone and need tons of time just for myself. I do things my own way and I’m selfish for that. But when being in a relationship I easily do what is good for the sake of it instead of what I’d do if I were alone. I’m almost always kind except when someone is rude to me or I have a bad day. If my bf makes me feel good I’m basically an angel.

 

He is in some ways a lot like me but is much less into spending close time together, and much more into just being apart, literally and emotionally. Which is fine but what I dislike about it is the way he demands it instead of nicely asking for it. He is very impulsive, blows things out of proportion, snaps for tiny things, likes to argue and even more to be right all the time, puts himself first a lot, doesn’t like compromises. He has things he obsessively needs to do in a certain way or he’ll have a breakdown. :mad:In that way he is controlling because he can’t let go. I have my freedom so he is not a jealous type but if it’s not going his way, he’ll be in the mood for days or until I come to repair the damage. He is difficult with everybody and has this ego thing, drama queen going on.

 

So the problems when you put us together are pretty clear. I’m asking you please to suggest solutions. The best we came up with is that he just goes away to his place until he cools off. And then things get back to normal until something bothers him again. I can’t stand us being in a house together when he avoids me for days. Or I just shut down because I’m hypersensitive to it so I can’t be around him. I can’t take being criticized every day.

 

Frankly, I see it at his problem we can’t solve. I think he should go to psychotherapy. He actually agreed, but never went. My problem is that I’m being nice and putting up with him. Even when he blames me that I am at fault because I made him explode by not thinking like he does and that is the correct way.

 

And yes, we love each other but can’t work this out. And yes, we do have fun together and days when we understand another and when everything is great most of the time.

 

I am obviously the one who is doing most of the fixing and he is destroying. Problem is also that when something bad happens between us he gets stuck with that last bad memory of us and doesn’t remember the good times and often just tells me he is not in love anymore and wants to breakup. My reaction is that I respect his decision but he always stays and apologizes in his way by cleaning the house or making me a dinner or taking me out or things like that. But we’re not moving forward.

 

On the other hand I too initiate breakups as much as him because I feel my hands are tied. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[Adele0908]

What it looks like to me, is that he is a man with more feminine energy and you are a woman with more masculine energy.

 

For relationships to last and to produce attraction, one person has to embody masculine energy and one person has to embody feminine energy. This is also true in gay relationships, where one man is feminine (emotionally crazy) like Nathan Lane in the the movie "The Birdcage", and the other man is more masculine (emotionally controlled) like Robin Williams' character. Or in lesbian relationships, like Ellen and Portia di Rossi.

 

In your case, it seems like you suppress your emotions to keep the peace, because you hate fighting, and so subconsciously he picks up the slack and that emotion and releases it.

 

You say he is controlling, but I think you are also controlling, because you try to control the outcome of things. To keep the peace you minimize situations (masculine), spend time alone (masculine), view his emotions as a problem to be solved (masculine) and you need your freedom (masculine)

 

So he picks up the feminine energy...remember, someone has to. He becomes a drama queen (feminine), blows things out of proportion (feminine), is impulsive (feminine), destroys (feminine), and holds on to bad memories (feminine).

 

I'm not saying you are completely masculine, but I think you handle your emotions in a masculine way. Even more important than the masculine/feminine thing I described is that you seem to suppress your emotions. When one person suppresses emotion in a relationship, the other person will show up as emotionally unstable.

 

But up you seem to like this type of dynamic in the relationship because him being unstable allows you to be in a relationship without having to change, compromise much and keep your freedom.

 

You know, I actually had a relationship almost exactly like yours when I was age 19 and 20. I was very emotionally suppressed but I didn't know it. I smoked cigarettes and weed to chill and numb myself. My boyfriend at that time was very much like yours. He was emotionally volatile, would have outbursts, fits of rage, and was even diagnosed as bipolar. I know your situation is still unique but even though I complained about him, I secretly liked having more self control than him. I realize now that I was controlling in a different way. I would get to feel superior and also valuable for "helping" this guy, while never ever begin challenged or called out on my own bull****.

 

Now, I'm too old for all that. I'm 31. I want a man who can see through my bull****. I need men in my life who can help me grow. I no longer need to feel superior because I know that I am not. I don't need or want to be in control all the time. And I do my best not to hold in my feelings just to keep the peace, which I used to do.

 

This may not apply to you or your situation...good luck either way.

[ohso]

Thank you so much. I find your answer very interesting.

 

You are right, I am controlling too. I don’t think I need to feel superior; not in a relationship, I want us to be equal. I feel he fights against me so that he doesn’t feel inferior. But is that my fault? He has his own perception of himself and I don’t think of him badly. Our relationship feels like a competition instead of an union.

 

I am suppressing my emotions and that’s why I have anxiety and panic attacks but I just don’t know what to do with feelings. I dislike negative emotions. I’m only this open with my bf.

 

We talk about everything. But when we have disagreements, not necessarily fights, if I cry, and I do now and then, he hates it. He is then mostly cold like a typical man and don’t know what to do or says the wrong things. So I handle my mess on my own.

 

I still don’t know what should we do? I’m willing to change too, I just don’t know what? How exactly feminine I need to become? This is who we are so how to make us work? I can't seem to find the balance.

[Downtown]

He is very impulsive, blows things out of proportion, snaps for tiny things, likes to argue and even more to be right all the time, puts himself first a lot, doesn’t like compromises. He has things he obsessively needs to do in a certain way or he’ll have a breakdown. In that way he is controlling because he can’t let go.

OhSo, welcome to the LoveShack forum. The behaviors you describe -- i.e., lack of impulse control, very controlling behavior, always "being right" and "being The Victim," and the repeated cycles of push-you-away and pull-you-back -- are some of the warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and/or narcissism. Significantly, I am not saying your BF has the full-blown disorders (only a professional can determine that). Rather, I'm saying that he may be exhibiting the traits of those disorders at a moderate to strong level.

 

Although you and I are not capable of diagnosing his issue, you are capable of spotting the warning signs if you take a little time to learn what red flags to look for. I therefore suggest you read about them so you are able to protect yourself. If you then decide you are seeing most of the warning signs for a disorder like BPD or narcissism, I would suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with.

 

I think he should go to psychotherapy. He actually agreed, but never went.

If he really does have strong traits of BPD or narcissism, it is very unlikely he will seek therapy or -- if he does -- it is unlikely it will help. Although there are some excellent treatment programs for BPDers (but not NPDers) in major cities, it is rare for a BPDer to be willing to stay in such programs long enough to make a difference. What usually happens is that they simply play mind games with the therapist and then quit. That is what my BPDer exW did with six different psychologists and 3 MCs.

 

Importantly, even if your BF does seek therapy, you should not rely on HIS therapist to speak candidly with you. Even in the unlikely event you can persuade him to see a therapist and he allows the therapist to speak with you, that therapist is unlikely to tell him (much less tell you) the name of the disorder if it is BPD or narcissism. Generally, therapists withhold the name of those disorders from high functioning clients to prevent them from losing insurance coverage and from immediately quitting therapy. It therefore is important to seek guidance from a professional who is ethically bound to protect only YOUR best interests, not those of your BF.

 

if it’s not going his way, he’ll be in the mood for days or until I come to repair the damage. He is difficult with everybody and has this ego thing, drama queen going on.... he just goes away to his place until he cools off.

You are describing a man who has great difficulty controlling his own emotions. This suggests he never learned the basic emotional regulation skills, e.g., how to do self soothing and how to distract your own thinking to avoid the obsessive loops. I mention this because the inability to regulate emotions is the key hallmark of having strong BPD traits. Indeed, a large segment of the psychiatric community has been lobbying the APA for two decades to change the name of this disorder to "Emotional Regulation Disorder."

 

Problem is also that when something bad happens between us he gets stuck with that last bad memory of us and doesn’t remember the good times and often just tells me he is not in love anymore and wants to breakup.

You are describing what is called "black-white thinking," which is one of the hallmarks of BPD and narcissism. BPDers are so emotionally immature that they cannot tolerate experiencing strong conflicting feelings. They therefore "split off" the conflicting feeling, putting it out of reach of their conscious mind. In this way, they are able to experience only one strong feeling at a time.

 

The result is that a BPDer (or a narcissist) can flip from adoring you to devaluing you (or even hating you) in ten seconds. This flip typically occurs so rapidly because it is triggered by some minor thing you said or did (or that he imagined you did). This is why BPDer typically go through many breakup/makeup cycles before eventually ending. And this is why BPDer usually exhibit a cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back. And this is why, with BPDers and NPDers, it's always "What have you done for me lately?"

 

He has things he obsessively needs to do in a certain way or he’ll have a breakdown. In that way he is controlling because he can’t let go.

If your BF actually does have strong traits of one disorder, he likely also has strong traits of one or two others as well. About 23% of BPDers, for example, also have strong traits of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). About 17% of those with full-blown OCD also suffer full-blown BPD. About 40% of BPDers also have full-blown narcissism. (See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP.)

 

I’m looking for constructive advices that work.

I cannot tell what will make your relationship "work" because I don't know what your BF's primary issue is. Indeed, I've never even met the man. I can tell you, however, how you can learn to spot any BPD or NPD warning signs that may be occurring. These signs are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about red flags such as impulsiveness, verbal abuse, black-white thinking, and selfishness.

 

An easy place to start reading is my list of BPD red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my post in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings some bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, OhSo.

[Adele0908]

Thank you so much. I find your answer very interesting.

 

You are right, I am controlling too. I don’t think I need to feel superior; not in a relationship, I want us to be equal. I feel he fights against me so that he doesn’t feel inferior. But is that my fault? He has his own perception of himself and I don’t think of him badly. Our relationship feels like a competition instead of an union.

 

I am suppressing my emotions and that’s why I have anxiety and panic attacks but I just don’t know what to do with feelings. I dislike negative emotions. I’m only this open with my bf.

 

We talk about everything. But when we have disagreements, not necessarily fights, if I cry, and I do now and then, he hates it. He is then mostly cold like a typical man and don’t know what to do or says the wrong things. So I handle my mess on my own.

 

I still don’t know what should we do? I’m willing to change too, I just don’t know what? How exactly feminine I need to become? This is who we are so how to make us work? I can't seem to find the balance.

 

Wow, I am the same way. I get sooooooo uncomfortable with negative emotions, which is why I drank/smoked and distracted myself by blaming other people for stuff. I still deal with this all the time but it's gotten so much better.

 

When I feel negative emotions now, I sit with them. I just sit, either on my bed, couch or floor, and just let them be there. It usually lasts 5 to 10 minutes and then I'm fine. Sometimes, like at work, I'll wait until later, but then I let myself feel the negative emotion. It takes practice, but at least you won't be suppressing it anymore. Think of it like a rainy day or dark clouds or a storm...it will pass, but you have to let it pass.

 

Once you are able to accept and honor your own emotions, you WILL attract a man who will be able to accept and honor your emotions.

 

People can only treat you how you treat yourself.

 

I used to attract very shallow men who could not handle my emotions and expected me to swallow them. My dad was always that way with me, expecting me to "shut up and deal" like a man. My dad actually raised me to be more masculine in my thinking. But as I got older, I felt that something was so wrong. The guys I attracted were usually weak masculine guys with a lot of feminine energy. I didn't understand it until I realized that it was because of me suppressing my emotions.

 

If you want to get more in touch with your feminine energy, there are so many resources, websites and books out there to help with that. When you get into that feminine side and learn how to stay there when dealing with men, things will become so much easier for you. Your man may actually become more masculine in response to you being more feminine. OR, you will attract a better man for you.