truncated Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 friend of mine came to mw with a problem, and I honestly didn't know what to tell her, as I was afraid I might end up giving her some really bad advice. Maybe someone on here can help. She's been married about ten years now, and they have a small son. I was visiting with them the other day, and I could tell something was off. her husband seemed really short with her, and after her left she became very sad and told me what was wrong. She said that he's been upset with her lately because he feels they don't have enough sex, and that when they do, it's always him that wants it, not her. I asked her if that was true, and she said it was. When I asked her why, I got a few moments of silence, and figured I'd get a response along the lines of she was tired, just didn't feel like it but didn't know why, etc. Instead, her answer is that he's just not really good at it. I didn't ask for details ( and don't want any), but I did ask her if she'd tried to talk to him about it. She said she had, but when it comes to sex, his ego is really big and he thinks he's really great at pleasing a woman ( she says he's not). She tried to be gentle with him and not hurt his feelings, but he got angry with her and has been upset ever since. She's a really kind person, who loves him to death,and I can't see her saying something that would intentionally hurt him. She told me that he sees himself as being really great at sex, when the opposite is true, but it's a big part of how he sees himself as a man. She asked me how to talk to him about it without making it worse, as she finds it really hard to want to have sex with him and now that he knows how she feels, she can't hide it anymore. It almost sounds like the thing of when a woman asks her if a dress makes her look fat. Tell her the truth, and she'll be hurt, lie and she may be embarrassed later on. I feel bad, as they are both wonderful people who really do love each other.You can see it in the way he looks at her, that he loves her so much, and I think that it made him happy to think he was making her happy. She asked for my advice, but, as I said, I didn't want to make things worse. Does anyone here have any ideas I could pass along? hoe can a wife talk to her hsuabnd ( or vice versa) about their sex life without hurting his feelings or wounding his ego? Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 She needs to tell him in a sincere manner that NO ONE knows her body better than she does. Because of that FACT, he can become a Master of her orgasms if he would listen to her direction During sex (make it sexy) then respond accordingly when he listens and gets it right. His return on this is he becomes a better lover AND gets sex more often Does your friend really 'know' what she likes? (it took me a long time to figure out Everything I liked)* Good Luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 She should focus on telling him what SHE likes and wants, without insulting him in the process. "You know what would turn me on, honey? If you _______." "I've always had this fantasy that __________." Be descriptive and coy and make it sexy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 The difficulty is that she waited ten years to even broach a subject that should have been dealt with in the first, budding months of their relationship. Now she has an albatross around her neck and the only method I could see working would be couples therapy; she has to be able to be open in a secure setting and with a mediator as to why she wasn't able to discuss this before and he will need to be able to hear the real reasons there isn't as much sex as he wants. If he really wants more sex, he has to be able to understand the reasons why in a nonjudgmental fashion. If she really wants a better marriage, she will have to learn that the truth WILL hurt and get through the inevitable pain and struggle it will cause. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 Oh and then if he does it, react VERY well. Moan and groan and just keep gushing about how awesome that was. Since we know he is ego-driven, give him a major ego stroke. Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 Oh and then if he does it, react VERY well. Moan and groan and just keep gushing about how awesome that was. Since we know he is ego-driven, give him a major ego stroke. ...you said it so much better than me Pteromom! Link to post Share on other sites
Appreciate Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 She just socked his manhood. Not very wise. She sort of screwed the pooch there. It sounds like maybe she doesn't know what she wants. If she's been married 10 years, then he's the only one she knows. If she's not satisfied, she needs to spice it up and be more verbal (as others as indicated). Married Man Sex Life Primer. They should read it together. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 She can take the blame for not being honest with him. Ten years? This doesn't just happen to be something new! If she's not honest - it's only HER fault for not speaking up about what she likes and what she doesn't. I'd be skeptical that she's having an affair. If sex was so bad why has she stayed SO long? Why have a child if it's that crappy? She can only blame herself for ALLOWING him to think it's adequate all those years when it's not been adequate. She essentially trained him to be lousy by not telling him honestly what he could be doing differently. If needed - he can sit back and watch her help herself - then he can get the idea of what it looks like for her - when it feels good. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 (edited) My advice? Look what works for someone sexually changes sometimes over the years - right ? I mean what you liked sexually ten years ago my get old, or your body changes, or your interest changes right? So tell your friend to lie.... and use this idea Suggest she break down in crocodile tears and say "I have been hiding something from you....you are such an amazing lover you always have been, but something changed in my body, I mean the multiple vaginal orgasms I got from that wonderful penis of yours. Just slamming into me for 5 mins, ?... well now... now.... sniff, sob.........I need something different...my body changed, I don't know why... the doctor told me he thinks I need you to do XXX, and YYY, and ZZZ for me to get off, I am so ashamed dear, this new condition of mine... can you help me with this - your such an amazing lover can you make me have orgasms like you used to with my new changed body? can you fix it with some new amazing skills? I know you can, let me show you what will work know on this new me" :lmao::lmao::lmao: In other words praise his sexual skills, tell him its all your issue, and he needs to "help" you with a new set of moves... Edited September 29, 2014 by dichotomy Link to post Share on other sites
Author truncated Posted September 29, 2014 Author Share Posted September 29, 2014 The difficulty is that she waited ten years to even broach a subject that should have been dealt with in the first, budding months of their relationship. Now she has an albatross around her neck and the only method I could see working would be couples therapy; she has to be able to be open in a secure setting and with a mediator as to why she wasn't able to discuss this before and he will need to be able to hear the real reasons there isn't as much sex as he wants. If he really wants more sex, he has to be able to understand the reasons why in a nonjudgmental fashion. If she really wants a better marriage, she will have to learn that the truth WILL hurt and get through the inevitable pain and struggle it will cause. This is good advice, and I think it could be broached in a way that will be quite loving. Given what I have seen of their interactions, they both what to make the other happy,and this will be a a way to further that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author truncated Posted September 29, 2014 Author Share Posted September 29, 2014 She can take the blame for not being honest with him. Ten years? This doesn't just happen to be something new! If she's not honest - it's only HER fault for not speaking up about what she likes and what she doesn't. I'd be skeptical that she's having an affair. If sex was so bad why has she stayed SO long? Why have a child if it's that crappy? She can only blame herself for ALLOWING him to think it's adequate all those years when it's not been adequate. She essentially trained him to be lousy by not telling him honestly what he could be doing differently. If needed - he can sit back and watch her help herself - then he can get the idea of what it looks like for her - when it feels good. Judgmental much? Um, how on earth do you get that she's having an affair? The whole reason she got so upset was that she's afraid she really hurt him. You think that just because he wasn't able to "rock her world' in the bedroom that she should have left him? yes, ten years was a long time for her to keep her feelings bottled up, and if I'd been in her shoes, I would have spoken up sooner, but she didn't. If he reacted as she says he did, maybe that's why. Maybe she tried and he flew off the handle, I don't know. What I do know, from what she told me, their marriage is great, they have lots of physical intimacy ( touching, cuddling, kissing, snuggling up together), it's just this one area where there is a disconnect. The counselling idea mentioned above makes so much sense. having a third party to help him understand that she feels that way because she loves him and wants to be with him for the long haul with things as good as they can possibly be will hopefully make sense to him too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author truncated Posted September 29, 2014 Author Share Posted September 29, 2014 She just socked his manhood. Not very wise. She sort of screwed the pooch there. It sounds like maybe she doesn't know what she wants. If she's been married 10 years, then he's the only one she knows. If she's not satisfied, she needs to spice it up and be more verbal (as others as indicated). Married Man Sex Life Primer. They should read it together. I don't know if this has always been an issue for her, or if it's something new, butit does sound like something they can resolve, s long as the rest of their marriage is strong, and as far as I can tell, it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author truncated Posted September 29, 2014 Author Share Posted September 29, 2014 My advice? Look what works for someone sexually changes sometimes over the years - right ? I mean what you liked sexually ten years ago my get old, or your body changes, or your interest changes right? So tell your friend to lie.... and use this idea Suggest she break down in crocodile tears and say "I have been hiding something from you....you are such an amazing lover you always have been, but something changed in my body, I mean the multiple vaginal orgasms I got from that wonderful penis of yours. Just slamming into me for 5 mins, ?... well now... now.... sniff, sob.........I need something different...my body changed, I don't know why... the doctor told me he thinks I need you to do XXX, and YYY, and ZZZ for me to get off, I am so ashamed dear, this new condition of mine... can you help me with this - your such an amazing lover can you make me have orgasms like you used to with my new changed body? can you fix it with some new amazing skills? I know you can, let me show you what will work know on this new me" :lmao::lmao::lmao: In other words praise his sexual skills, tell him its all your issue, and he needs to "help" you with a new set of moves... I see what you're saying, but that sounds so dishonest. and i don't think she'd go for that. it's strange as from what she's told me and from what I've seen, they really do make an effort to be honest with one another, except, it seems, in this one area. Link to post Share on other sites
Amaze 2000 Posted September 30, 2014 Share Posted September 30, 2014 I appreciate your concern for your friend and her husband. If they haven’t done so, I would highly recommend that they see a counselor. It might make a huge difference in working through their issues. Do you think they'd be open to that? Amaze Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted September 30, 2014 Share Posted September 30, 2014 It almost sounds like the thing of when a woman asks her if a dress makes her look fat. No, I don't think this is the same. The fat thing is judging someone's body, which for many people seems near impossible to change. The sex thing is just skill, and most any motivated person can learn it. If sex was so bad why has she stayed SO long?... She essentially trained him to be lousy by not telling him honestly what he could be doing differently. For a lot of women, sex itself isn't that important if the intimacy is there. After 10 years, bad sex probably just got old. I don't think she trained him to be lousy - he was already lousy at it, and he doesn't seem open to changing at this point. It's very forgivable to have poor skills. It's not so much to be unwilling to work with your partner though, and get your ego all tangled around something that can be changed without huge difficulty, by just listening to your partner. Link to post Share on other sites
Allumere Posted September 30, 2014 Share Posted September 30, 2014 My advice? Look what works for someone sexually changes sometimes over the years - right ? I mean what you liked sexually ten years ago my get old, or your body changes, or your interest changes right? So tell your friend to lie.... and use this idea Suggest she break down in crocodile tears and say "I have been hiding something from you....you are such an amazing lover you always have been, but something changed in my body, I mean the multiple vaginal orgasms I got from that wonderful penis of yours. Just slamming into me for 5 mins, ?... well now... now.... sniff, sob.........I need something different...my body changed, I don't know why... the doctor told me he thinks I need you to do XXX, and YYY, and ZZZ for me to get off, I am so ashamed dear, this new condition of mine... can you help me with this - your such an amazing lover can you make me have orgasms like you used to with my new changed body? can you fix it with some new amazing skills? I know you can, let me show you what will work know on this new me" :lmao::lmao::lmao: In other words praise his sexual skills, tell him its all your issue, and he needs to "help" you with a new set of moves... This...is...funny!!!! And to be honest given this gents ego may not be a bad approach. And maybe not completely dishonest as people's bodies, preferences etc. can change. If he doesn't put his man cape on and dive in to save her vagina from lack of use after an emotional plea then the ego is bigger than any elephant that might be hanging on the opposite wall. At that point counseling would be strongly recommended. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author truncated Posted September 30, 2014 Author Share Posted September 30, 2014 I spoke with her last night and suggested the counselling route. I got a quick text from her this morning saying" we talked. He'll go with me", which I am taking as a positive sign. Hopefully they'll be able to find someone who they both like and who's helpful to them. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted September 30, 2014 Share Posted September 30, 2014 I spoke with her last night and suggested the counselling route. I got a quick text from her this morning saying" we talked. He'll go with me", which I am taking as a positive sign. Hopefully they'll be able to find someone who they both like and who's helpful to them. Great, hope they can...here is one resource if they need to locate one - suggest a male therapist. http://www.aasect.org/referral-directory Link to post Share on other sites
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