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Looking to date other women while married


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I've been married about seven years and my marriage isn't what it used to be. We have one very young child. During our first two to three years of marriage, we did all kinds of fun things together, outdoor activities, movies, sporting events, picnics, dancing, running, bicycling, hiking, etc. Our sex life was very good. Now, perhaps 95-99% of the waking time we spend together is at home. Although we enjoy each others company as much as we did during our first years together, she never wants to go out on any of the aforementioned activities anymore. This started around two to three years into our marriage and long before we had our child. The sex is still good, but the frequency has declined drastically. The changes were gradual, and I started doing a lot of these activities on my own or with groups - and she was very supportive of me doing these things on my own. She almost never complains about me doing these activities on my own and seldom asks about details. Other than the fact our frequency of sex has declined and that she never wants to do things away from the house together, there isn't anything else to complain about. My wife is otherwise very dedicated to my happiness, giving me attention, valuing time together at home, seldom complaining about anything, seldom creating any issues. In other words, she has never done anything egregious enough that I'd consider divorce or separation. Although I tried to get my wife to go to counseling, I never pushed it very hard, nor did I consider divorce, as I thought she was doing the honorable thing by allowing me to go on these activities on my own.

 

Over the last couple years, there has been a part of me that has been wanting more and more to have female companionship for the aforementioned types of activities and outings. I've tried to get my wife to go, but she almost always refuses. If she does go, she completely lacks interest. So I've gotten to the point where I want to find another female companion for such outings and activities.

 

Perhaps others have some feedback. Also, please feel free to ask questions, as I may have left out some details

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It sounds like something you could, can, and should discuss with your wife. It seems like she wouldn't mind, unless you are thinking of an affair (which becomes more possible and likely if you engage in such activities with other women). If an affair is something you're considering, ask about an open relationship instead - if she agrees, you wouldn't be cheating, and wouldn't have to hide anything, etc.

 

Of course, many such activities can be done with groups of people that include women, which shouldn't be a problem. Basically, what are your intentions here?

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Hormones, after pregnancy... Sometimes women change in brain chemistry after a child, and sometimes they go from blonde to brunette.

 

She could be in depression, and not be showing it deeply, but enough to make you feel detachment in your relationship.

 

To me you are tossing your marriage out the door before looking at fixing it.

 

Seems so unfair, and a bit greedy in that you are taking a side step in having two for the price of one.

 

Get her to a professional about this, it can be treatable, and it's a lot easier than having a EMA be clinging at you.

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It sounds like something you could, can, and should discuss with your wife. It seems like she wouldn't mind, unless you are thinking of an affair (which becomes more possible and likely if you engage in such activities with other women). If an affair is something you're considering, ask about an open relationship instead - if she agrees, you wouldn't be cheating, and wouldn't have to hide anything, etc.

 

Of course, many such activities can be done with groups of people that include women, which shouldn't be a problem. Basically, what are your intentions here?

Thanks for the response. With respect to intentions, my initial goal is to have female companionship on activities I like to undertake. As I'm married, I have avoided that in a 1 on 1 capacity and done things either by myself, with a male friend or with a larger group of people. If the companionship developed in such a way that it looked like it could become intimate or sexual, I'd cross that bridge when I come to it.

 

I haven't yet approached my wife about doing these activities with other women, as she'd probably interpret my mere desire to do that as cheating. (different people have different ideas of what "cheating" actually is).

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A psychologist could probably drill down to the basic issues but, on the surface, it sounds like one more example of lack of strong basic attraction at the beginning. There was sufficient attraction but not elemental, glue-type, attraction. As time went by, the mask slipped a bit, not in a bad way but rather in an honest way. Think about it....someone you really are attracted to, you want to spend time with them and share life with them. It's energizing being with them, even if you've been married for years.

 

Yep, I've been married. Did the EMA stuff. Seen a bunch.

 

Pass on the EMA or any other inappropriate association. You've got kids man. You're their role model. Exception: If your wife is disclosed and approves.

 

Make a MC appointment and invite her to join you. If she's there, that's an answer. If not, that. Good luck!

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Michelle ma Belle

I'm sorry but as a woman, mother, companion, I am outraged by your blatant selfishness.

 

I get it that things can and do change the longer couples are together regardless if they're married or not. Having children also changes things but to sit there and spout off all the wonderful attributes your wife possesses including how she encourages you and makes your happiness a priority you're STILL not satisfied? Yet another classic case of a man wanting to have his cake and eat it too.

 

Give me a break.

 

Do you really think dating another woman is going to be the answer to all your prayers? Are you planning on letting your wife know about your search for a new playmate or will that be your dirty little secret?

 

You can't be this naive to think this is a good idea for anyone.

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Hormones, after pregnancy... Sometimes women change in brain chemistry after a child, and sometimes they go from blonde to brunette.

This started LONG before we had our child, by perhaps 3-4 years.

 

She could be in depression, and not be showing it deeply, but enough to make you feel detachment in your relationship.

 

To me you are tossing your marriage out the door before looking at fixing it.

 

Seems so unfair, and a bit greedy in that you are taking a side step in having two for the price of one.

 

Get her to a professional about this, it can be treatable, and it's a lot easier than having a EMA be clinging at you.

I've already done everything I can to get her to be a companion with me on away from the home activities, but her desire is to stay at the home. She's not even close to being an invalid. We both wanted to have children, and I didn't consider her behavior (or should I say lack of behavior) egregious enough that I would leave her.

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Tell your wife you're this close to going outside of the marriage or you're considering divorce, then explain why. Maybe that will light the fire under her butt to make more of an effort to spend time with you doing fun stuff and having date nights.

 

How old is your child? Is it possible your wife is suffering from PPD?

 

Also, when was the last time you brought your wife home flowers? It takes two to make a marriage work, but takes one to ruin it.

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This started LONG before we had our child, by perhaps 3-4 years.

 

 

I've already done everything I can to get her to be a companion with me on away from the home activities, but her desire is to stay at the home. She's not even close to being an invalid. We both wanted to have children, and I didn't consider her behavior (or should I say lack of behavior) egregious enough that I would leave her.

 

So you'd rather cheat on her, betray her and go against your vows than divorce her?

 

You two had problems before having kids and now having a kid it's magnified and made the problems worse.

 

Talk to her, be honest. Having an affair will only make things worse, not better.

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I'm sorry but as a woman, mother, companion, I am outraged by your blatant selfishness.

 

I get it that things can and do change the longer couples are together regardless if they're married or not. Having children also changes things but to sit there and spout off all the wonderful attributes your wife possesses including how she encourages you and makes your happiness a priority you're STILL not satisfied? Yet another classic case of a man wanting to have his cake and eat it too.

 

Give me a break.

 

Do you really think dating another woman is going to be the answer to all your prayers? Are you planning on letting your wife know about your search for a new playmate or will that be your dirty little secret?

 

You can't be this naive to think this is a good idea for anyone.

When I'm out doing activities on my own, I feel like I'm single again. Single but not allowed to pursue other women. Can you imagine being single but not allowed to pursue other men?

 

If I'm on a mixed group outing, the other men who are single are connecting with the single women. When on solo outings, it pains me to see other couples enjoying similar activities together. When I go on activities with a guy friend (especially the type of activities which aren't "guy activities") and see couples, it pains me that I'm on this activity with a guy friend and not a female companion.

 

I'm sorry, but I can't shake these feelings.

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I have to agree with Michelle ma belle on this one. My first thought was "are you shi$$ing me right now?!!" :eek:

Dude, if you love your wife, heck if you even just like her as a person right now, pull up big boy pants, as in man up and demand that she see a professional then tell her why.

For God's sake man, at least put it all on the table so she KNOWS exactly, IN DETAIL what you want and need from your marriage as well as what you are actually considering ie; "if it turns sexual I'll cross that bridge when I come to it" SERIOUSLY?! Tell her your line of thinking so she FULLY understands where you are so she can decide to seek counseling to work on the marriage or leave you to save her heart BEFORE you inevitably cheat on her and your child. :(:(

 

Sorry for being harsh but GEEEEZ...

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Tell your wife you're this close to going outside of the marriage or you're considering divorce, then explain why. Maybe that will light the fire under her butt to make more of an effort to spend time with you doing fun stuff and having date nights.

This sounds like sound advice. You're probably right if I present it as simply being tempted rather than something I'm intending on doing, she'd take it a little less negatively.

 

How old is your child? Is it possible your wife is suffering from PPD?

 

Also, when was the last time you brought your wife home flowers? It takes two to make a marriage work, but takes one to ruin it.

I appreciate your feedback. Our child is about one year old. But as I mentioned earlier, my wife ceased having interest in doing things away from the home LONG before we had our child.

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Michelle ma Belle
When I'm out doing activities on my own, I feel like I'm single again. Single but not allowed to pursue other women. Can you imagine being single but not allowed to pursue other men?

 

If I'm on a mixed group outing, the other men who are single are connecting with the single women. When on solo outings, it pains me to see other couples enjoying similar activities together. When I go on activities with a guy friend (especially the type of activities which aren't "guy activities") and see couples, it pains me that I'm on this activity with a guy friend and not a female companion.

 

I'm sorry, but I can't shake these feelings.

 

As a matter of fact I DO. I was with my ex for 20 years (16 married) and I spend a great deal of that time ALONE doing things outside the home or not.

 

I didn't go around looking for a playmate because I loved my husband and he didn't deserve being disrespected in that way. As much as I wanted to do things with HIM, it was clear that he wasn't interested in the same things I was and it was indeed frustrating.

 

There were other factors but after so many years of being alone and neglected and miserable I opted for separation / divorce. I didn't want to be that woman. A woman who lived a double life. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself.

 

You're taking the path of least resistance. You don't even realize that you're in a MUCH better predicament than most men in similar scenarios and yet you're listening to your c*ck rather than your head or heart.

 

You're wife (and son) deserve better.

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I have to agree with Michelle ma belle on this one. My first thought was "are you shi$$ing me right now?!!" :eek:

Dude, if you love your wife, heck if you even just like her as a person right now, pull up big boy pants, as in man up and demand that she see a professional then tell her why.

For God's sake man, at least put it all on the table so she KNOWS exactly, IN DETAIL what you want and need from your marriage as well as what you are actually considering ie; "if it turns sexual I'll cross that bridge when I come to it" SERIOUSLY?! Tell her your line of thinking so she FULLY understands where you are so she can decide to seek counseling to work on the marriage or leave you to save her heart BEFORE you inevitably cheat on her and your child. :(:(

 

Sorry for being harsh but GEEEEZ...

I appreciate your straightforwardness. I did touch on some of these things with her a few years ago, and she responded by saying those types of activities didn't interest her anymore. Her actions clearly showed she was supportive of me doing things on my own. But just as single people desire to have a partner of the opposite sex to go on activities with, so do I. It's a desire I can't shake off.

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I appreciate your straightforwardness. I did touch on some of these things with her a few years ago, and she responded by saying those types of activities didn't interest her anymore. Her actions clearly showed she was supportive of me doing things on my own. But just as single people desire to have a partner of the opposite sex to go on activities with, so do I. It's a desire I can't shake off.

 

I completely and TOTALLY understand what you are saying. So, playing the honesty card is still on the table for you. TELL HER.

example:

Honey, I love you and I NEED to tell you some things and I NEED you to listen.

1. I NEED A PARTNER who WANTS do a.____ b. _____ & c. ______ with me.

2. I NEED MORE EXCITEMENT AND WANT TO TRY a. ____ b.____ & c.____ with you

3. I NEED TO FEEL THIS __________ from you

Honey, I am not getting these things from you and as much as I have asked, you just don't seem willing. Here are our choices as I see it: A.) You play an active role in meeting said needs above in a 100% positive manner B.) We have an open marriage where BOTH of us can seek outside companionship with the opposite sex which may or may not INCLUDE SEX (then work out babysitting details) C.) If you chose not to meet the needs that I have or agree to B.) then we need to separate.

 

Sucky conversation but at least at that point, you still have your integrity. You continue with your line of thinking and that will be gone as well.*

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As a matter of fact I DO. I was with my ex for 20 years (16 married) and I spend a great deal of that time ALONE doing things outside the home or not.

 

I didn't go around looking for a playmate because I loved my husband and he didn't deserve being disrespected in that way. As much as I wanted to do things with HIM, it was clear that he wasn't interested in the same things I was and it was indeed frustrating.

This echoes precisely how I feel. I don't think my wife deserves to be disrespected.

 

There were other factors but after so many years of being alone and neglected and miserable I opted for separation / divorce. I didn't want to be that woman. A woman who lived a double life. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself.

 

You're taking the path of least resistance. You don't even realize that you're in a MUCH better predicament than most men in similar scenarios and yet you're listening to your c*ck rather than your head or heart.

 

You're wife (and son) deserve better.

Your values are probably different from mine. I don't have any moral issues with having a female companion while I'm married. And it's even easier to feel OK about it because my wife isn't willing to go on any of these outings with me.

 

Am I listening to my c*ck rather than my head or heart? Although my wife's interest level in sex has declined, I could have sex with her far more often than we used to. But I don't feel good about pushing her or coercing her to have sex.

 

It sounds like you have some issues with me saying "I'll cross that bridge when I come to it". I'm curious why. I'm sure many of us don't have a plan for what we would do if overcome by someone we're far more passionate about than our significant other. It's easy to say "I'd never do that". But if that's true, then why do so many relationships ultimately fall apart?

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I completely and TOTALLY understand what you are saying. So, playing the honesty card is still on the table for you. TELL HER.

example:

Honey, I love you and I NEED to tell you some things and I NEED you to listen.

1. I NEED A PARTNER who WANTS do a.____ b. _____ & c. ______ with me.

2. I NEED MORE EXCITEMENT AND WANT TO TRY a. ____ b.____ & c.____ with you

3. I NEED TO FEEL THIS __________ from you

Honey, I am not getting these things from you and as much as I have asked, you just don't seem willing. Here are our choices as I see it: A.) You play an active role in meeting said needs above in a 100% positive manner B.) We have an open marriage where BOTH of us can seek outside companionship with the opposite sex which may or may not INCLUDE SEX (then work out babysitting details) C.) If you chose not to meet the needs that I have or agree to B.) then we need to separate.

 

Sucky conversation but at least at that point, you still have your integrity. You continue with your line of thinking and that will be gone as well.*

Very well put. I never thought of it in these simple terms, but I think I'll try something like this.

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GorillaTheater
Your values are probably different from mine. I don't have any moral issues with having a female companion while I'm married.

 

I'm not sure I do either, so long as you're transparent with your wife as to what you're doing together and what your intentions are.

 

How does this kind of transparency fit into your value system?

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I completely and TOTALLY understand what you are saying. So, playing the honesty card is still on the table for you. TELL HER.

example:

Honey, I love you and I NEED to tell you some things and I NEED you to listen.

1. I NEED A PARTNER who WANTS do a.____ b. _____ & c. ______ with me.

2. I NEED MORE EXCITEMENT AND WANT TO TRY a. ____ b.____ & c.____ with you

3. I NEED TO FEEL THIS __________ from you

Honey, I am not getting these things from you and as much as I have asked, you just don't seem willing. Here are our choices as I see it: A.) You play an active role in meeting said needs above in a 100% positive manner B.) We have an open marriage where BOTH of us can seek outside companionship with the opposite sex which may or may not INCLUDE SEX (then work out babysitting details) C.) If you chose not to meet the needs that I have or agree to B.) then we need to separate.

 

Sucky conversation but at least at that point, you still have your integrity. You continue with your line of thinking and that will be gone as well.*

Very well put. I never thought of it in these simple terms, but I think I'll try something like this. However, I know her well enough to know that when I suggest option B, she'll flip out such that she won't consider option A. If I give her option A and if she refuses, simply skip option B and go straight to option C, then I don't think she'll flip out - at least not until I file for separation or move out.

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I'm not sure I do either, so long as you're transparent with your wife as to what you're doing together and what your intentions are.

 

How does this kind of transparency fit into your value system?

 

Others in here have suggested I let my wife know about my desire for outside female companionship. But I know my wife well enough to know she'd freak out at the mere suggestion of it such that our good home life together wouldn't be good anymore. That's a large part of why I feel more comfortable being "transparent" about it. She's just far too conservative to agree to an open marriage.

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My husband Did cheat. I will never feel the same about him again. Most everyone found out he cheated. He lost respect from friends, family, colleagues. All he had to do was tell me what he needed. I AM active and did all kinds of things with him. He just happened to be a douche and want 'extra' because he felt he deserved it. Well, he got it and it bit him right in the A$$. His world went to cr@p and he dragged me with him.

I hope you aren't like him. I hope the reasons you are giving are truly sincere. If you are and they are then you have a real shot at a better marriage with Your Wife (the one you said for better for worse for*) or ending up getting what you need in an honest way holding onto to your reputation with yourself and those around you as a 'good guy'.

Best o'luck to you*

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Very well put. I never thought of it in these simple terms, but I think I'll try something like this. However, I know her well enough to know that when I suggest option B, she'll flip out such that she won't consider option A. If I give her option A and if she refuses, simply skip option B and go straight to option C, then I don't think she'll flip out - at least not until I file for separation or move out.

 

 

Here's the thing, if you TELL HER EVERYTHING and she Freaks out, that is on her. She will HAVE to make choices. Even if she 'freaks out' then does nothing or makes no move on any of your options, that in and of itself is allowing you to tell her what you then are going to do.

She can stay or leave.

 

Seriously, women do freak out. I freak out. Then it's over and sh$t gets done.

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GorillaTheater
Others in here have suggested I let my wife know about my desire for outside female companionship. But I know my wife well enough to know she'd freak out at the mere suggestion of it such that our good home life together wouldn't be good anymore. That's a large part of why I feel more comfortable being "transparent" about it. She's just far too conservative to agree to an open marriage.

 

I'd suggest quit trying to read your wife's mind, and give your wife the opportunity to give informed consent or not.

 

By any value measurement, it's selfish to withhold information from your wife that impacts your marriage in such a fundamental way and deprives her of the ability to make her own decisions regarding her life.

 

Why the concern over what she may think of your idea? What are you afraid of? Divorce? Why?

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Michelle ma Belle
This echoes precisely how I feel. I don't think my wife deserves to be disrespected.

 

 

Your values are probably different from mine. I don't have any moral issues with having a female companion while I'm married. And it's even easier to feel OK about it because my wife isn't willing to go on any of these outings with me.

 

Am I listening to my c*ck rather than my head or heart? Although my wife's interest level in sex has declined, I could have sex with her far more often than we used to. But I don't feel good about pushing her or coercing her to have sex.

 

It sounds like you have some issues with me saying "I'll cross that bridge when I come to it". I'm curious why. I'm sure many of us don't have a plan for what we would do if overcome by someone we're far more passionate about than our significant other. It's easy to say "I'd never do that". But if that's true, then why do so many relationships ultimately fall apart?

 

Clearly we have different values.

 

I just think you're fooling yourself if you think you're true intentions aren't one of looking for an affair. And you're an even bigger fool if you think this will fix whatever problems you seem to think you have.

 

Relationships fall apart because partners do damaging things like THIS and NOT because they are denial about having or not having an affair. You can't be this naive. Unless you're in an open relationship this isn't respectful to your partner no matter how you want to slice it.

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With all these activities and whatnot you want to do, why does it have to be with FEMALES?

 

You realize that by spending time with other women, there will be bonding, flirting, attraction, and sexual desire.

 

It is a slippery slope of destruction that will lead to an affair and broken hearts.

 

You don't want to disrespect your wife, but how could this situation possibly end well?

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