Realized my husband is a loser.

[RealConfused]

Me and my now husband are childhood partners. We met when I was 15 and we fell madly in love. At this point, I'm now 24, we are married, and we have 3 children. But I'm not happy. My husband is still in love with me and treats me great, but he can never seem to find a decent job that pays well to help support our family. Due to this, we are piss poor now. I work, but it's not enough to support us alone. I want to be able to enjoy life, have my own home, be able to buy nice things, but I.can't. It's been this way for a long time now. I recently find myself fantasizing about being with other men who can support me and give me things my husband hasn't been able to. I feel like I may have ruined my life settling down with him. idk.

 

I feel like I'm at the point where I want more. We have family together though. i don't know what to do. Any suggestions or insight from any wise people here?

[CarrieT]

This is the classic story we have heard over-and-over.

 

In short, scientifically, the decision-making processes in your brain are not fully attached until sometime around your 27th year. Read this article about it.

 

Consequently, many of us that have been around the block a few times -- and remember our early 20s as well - heartily recommend that NO ONE get married until their late 20s and they have a clearer vision of who they are and what they want.

 

Now you are stuck because of decisions made in your youth and with ignorance. Some marriages survive this time when/if both partners can be open and honest about the changes that inevitably occur in a person. Every one grows and changes and everyone does so at different rates. A marriage can survive those changes if there are open lines of communication and understanding that there are times of dissatisfaction.

 

You need to find a good counselor and make a personal decision; do you want to honor your vows and try to stay married? If not, that you need to start taking steps towards a divorce: start saving money, get a separate account, learn how to support yourself and give yourself a life you want.

 

You can NEVER expect or hope for another person to do that for you. If you do, you will always be wanting more or expecting things that can never be.

 

And - lastly - tell your husband your plans. He deserves to know that you are not happy and want more. See if there are ways you can work together to get this life you want and it may be possible to strive together towards those goals.

[Mr. Lucky]

My husband is still in love with me and treats me great, but he can never seem to find a decent job that pays well to help support our family. Due to this, we are piss poor now. I work, but it's not enough to support us alone.

Does he work full time? Is he a high school and/or college graduate? What is your expectation for his income?

 

Mr. Lucky

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Gosh, I know how stressful it is not being able to make a living, but to have extra mouths to feed just makes you feel even more stressed.

 

I am not saying you're selfish, but I have been through such matters in my past. I also had more than what most have had as well.

 

Sure having money and being able to live without having to look for the next check, would remove you from your feelings you have at this time.

 

For me, being in such a bad time, I felt more love and happiness than I ever had, having all that I ever needed.

 

Right now you have resentment for your husband's lack of financial support, you should be thankful that is all you have against your marriage. As that can be corrected easier than an affair or abuse. So with all that said, there is hope for a wonderful life, just your husband needs to do what he can to do what ever he needs to do, even if he must work at night. Allowing for child care if times conflict at home.

 

You need to talk to him and have him search even if he can't be home as much as the both of you would like.

 

I don't know both your education and work experiance, and times are tough for peeps who have had college, just hope he has skills that can take him to a job that he may not have performed in, or allows for training.

 

But again that is easier said than done, by location and size of your area.

[carhill]

Not an uncommon problem in the current employment environment, especially in some parts of the country (presuming U.S.).

 

IMO, save for clear abrogations of the marital contract, and considering the health and welfare of the children, I'd exhaust all potential remedies before throwing in the towel.

 

Do either of you have faith? If so, most faiths offer their constituents counseling opportunities as well as some financial assistance, especially for children. They can also offer networking opportunities to better employment positions.

 

IMO, if your H is out there working but is struggling to find work sufficient to bookend your income in the family support area, then it's a matter of directing his work ethic to better matched opportunities. IME, that comes from who you know.

 

If you work this as a team, my instinct is you'll get through it. FWIW, the reality of living with a man, like the men in your fantasies, is far different than the fantasy. That's because the fantasy is focusing only on one thing, escape from perceived poverty. There's a lot more to life than that, and people. Ask any wife married to a workaholic (and wealthy) husband she never sees. It might seem like nirvana to someone struggling to make ends meet but the reality is quite different.

 

I'd start with networking and getting a neutral third party involved to work out a plan of action both to improve your financial situation as well as to foster a greater sense of teamwork from the spouses.

[d0nnivain]

If you otherwise love him how can you to work together to get both of you better jobs? If finances are the only things driving you apart, a divorce is only going to make your situation more dire.

[beach]

You are a product of your choices. If you want those things then work hard to earn them yourself.

 

If you don't think your H is a good partner/provider then you can end the marriage.

 

But looking to someone else to provide you with what you want isn't going to solve YOUR problem.

 

How can you get those things YOURSELF?

 

And why would you have 3 kids when you knew he wasn't providing to your expectations? Do you get government assistance now?

[pink_sugar]

Man, I have had similar experiences and I thank god everyday that I do not have children. Things would be 110% worse. I feel for you. It's a struggle for my husband and I just to support ourselves and pay off debts we can't afford. If I could go back, I wish I would have made better decisions, but I am 25 and have been determined not to have children until there is financial stability...and we've been living check to check for the last 7 years and I'm growing tired of it. This past year hasn't been that good since job stability for me has been so up and down. And for my husband, he's being led on by his company. He's supposed to start a new position that is a steady 30 hours a week, but they're dragging their feet. He's been on call for the better part of 6 months. I told him he needs to start looking for other work until this other position is greenlit. But the job situation with him in the past hasn't been wonderful. We can't even live on our own because of this.

[oldshirt]

Tell us more about your husband and what he does with his time and energy.

 

Is he currently employed? If yes, what does he do and how many hours a week?

 

What is he doing to work on the family budget and what plans is he making towards a better financial future?

 

Is he unemployed or working part time for minimum wage and no benefits? If so, what is doing to find a livable fulltime job?

 

Does he have an education/job training? Is he currently taking classes.

 

In other words what is he doing to support his family and make a better future? All you have given us is you are dissatisfied with your current lifestyle (aren't we all?)

 

There is a big difference between a guy that sits on the couch, drinking, smoking and eating Cheetos all day vs a clean, sober hard working guy who busts his ass 60 hours a week at a couple jobs and has his nose to the grindstone budgeting and squirreling away savings for the future but his wife wants a new Lexus SUV rather than the Ford Taurus with 150,000 miles on it.

 

From how you've worded your post, You sound closer to wanting a Lexus rather than him actually being a "loser."

 

More info on what he is actually doing to support the family is needed.

[SJS]

Newsflash...not many 24 year olds have what you want, even with a college degree. Sounds like he's a decent guy, treats you and the kids well. The grass isn't always greener.

[Keenly]

Was there some kind of agreement reached that he would be the sole person responsible to support the family? You said yourself that you don't make enough, so why are you placing the responsibility on him? Shouldn't it be 50 50?

[MuscleCarFan]

Was there some kind of agreement reached that he would be the sole person responsible to support the family? You said yourself that you don't make enough, so why are you placing the responsibility on him? Shouldn't it be 50 50?

 

I completely agree with this.

[mrs rubble]

I think you're being pretty harsh calling him a loser!!! He's working!! He's caring!!

 

Let me describe a real loser (my ex-hubby)...quailified top of his profession in the whole country, but is too drunk every day to actually work any more at all. Can't legally drive due to too many drink/driving convictions.

Physically abused all 3 of our children while drunk. Crashed his ute into a power pole with our son in the car. Kicked our 7 yo son out of his house, who then had to walk for 15km to my house tears streaming down his face.

 

I actually find your post pretty disturbing, you're looking for a "better" catch right? With you having 3 children and a poor paying job, what make's you think you have the good's to attract Mr. Super provider??

 

I think you should count your blessings and go and look for better paying work, or further educate yourself in order to land a job with better pay.

[Radu]

Don't be so mean to the poster fellas, realize that unlike many other women in her position she at least realizes it is happening inside of her.

 

OP, i don't have any kids, and i'm older than you, but i don't think that pursuing that fantasy is viable.

You have constructed the ideal man in your head [the one who is 'better' than your husband at that one thing], and the chances of actually getting that in your situation are ... beyond slim.

As the poster above me mentioned, be happy with what you got, realize it could be far worse, and try to improve on that through smart education for both of you.

 

By smart education i don't mean college, it could be college, but it has to be in a field that will be in demand for 1 decade or more from the time you start studying it.

 

Also, try to talk this over with your husband [though be carefull because men are conditioned to think of themselves only in terms of how well they provide], since he is your partner, and because with these feelings most likely you will end up with another problem in the near future ... a decline in sex life [which just adds to the problem list].

[Arieswoman]

RealConfused,

I think it's mean to say that your husband is a "loser" because he's not making big bucks. You knew that when you married him.

 

What's to stop YOU skilling-up and making more money?

 

Instead of moaning about something you have no control over (his behaviour) why not take the initiative yourself?

 

Just my 6-penneth.

[beatcuff]

... I'm now 24, we are married, and we have 3 children. But I'm not happy.

I feel like I'm at the point where I want more... Any suggestions or insight from any wise people here?

 

i give you props for realizing you have a problem, now it time to deal with it with your partner (rather than running to the guy down the street)

 

...but he can never seem to find a decent job that pays well to help support our family. Due to this, we are piss poor now...

 

you are 24. nearly all 20-somethings are "piss poor". while i agree money certainly smooths over those rough spots --- you have something many of those 'well-off' persons desire: a partner that loves them.

 

so what to do:

you need to stop watching those phony 'reality' tv shows showing you 'what could be'.

 

next sit down with H and have a discussion about your feelings.

 

then come up with a plan to head in the right direction. putting aside even modest amounts EVERY week will grow over time --- something you have plenty of.

 

BTW i did not own my first home until i was 31.

[oldshirt]

 

BTW i did not own my first home until i was 31.

 

32, almost 33 hear.

[RealConfused]

Does he work full time? Is he a high school and/or college graduate? What is your expectation for his income?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

He is a high school graduate. He is not employed. He's been employed on and off for several years of us being together.

 

My expectation is that he can maintain a full time job so we can have a sustainable future, as well as take care of our needs for right now.

[RealConfused]

Gosh, I know how stressful it is not being able to make a living, but to have extra mouths to feed just makes you feel even more stressed.

 

I am not saying you're selfish, but I have been through such matters in my past. I also had more than what most have had as well.

 

Sure having money and being able to live without having to look for the next check, would remove you from your feelings you have at this time.

 

For me, being in such a bad time, I felt more love and happiness than I ever had, having all that I ever needed.

 

Right now you have resentment for your husband's lack of financial support, you should be thankful that is all you have against your marriage. As that can be corrected easier than an affair or abuse. So with all that said, there is hope for a wonderful life, just your husband needs to do what he can to do what ever he needs to do, even if he must work at night. Allowing for child care if times conflict at home.

 

You need to talk to him and have him search even if he can't be home as much as the both of you would like.

 

I don't know both your education and work experiance, and times are tough for peeps who have had college, just hope he has skills that can take him to a job that he may not have performed in, or allows for training.

 

But again that is easier said than done, by location and size of your area.

 

Thanks for your reply! I appreciate it. I understand what you're saying and it helps put things in perspective for me.

[RealConfused]

Not an uncommon problem in the current employment environment, especially in some parts of the country (presuming U.S.).

 

IMO, save for clear abrogations of the marital contract, and considering the health and welfare of the children, I'd exhaust all potential remedies before throwing in the towel.

 

Do either of you have faith? If so, most faiths offer their constituents counseling opportunities as well as some financial assistance, especially for children. They can also offer networking opportunities to better employment positions.

 

IMO, if your H is out there working but is struggling to find work sufficient to bookend your income in the family support area, then it's a matter of directing his work ethic to better matched opportunities. IME, that comes from who you know.

 

If you work this as a team, my instinct is you'll get through it. FWIW, the reality of living with a man, like the men in your fantasies, is far different than the fantasy. That's because the fantasy is focusing only on one thing, escape from perceived poverty. There's a lot more to life than that, and people. Ask any wife married to a workaholic (and wealthy) husband she never sees. It might seem like nirvana to someone struggling to make ends meet but the reality is quite different.

 

I'd start with networking and getting a neutral third party involved to work out a plan of action both to improve your financial situation as well as to foster a greater sense of teamwork from the spouses.

 

Yes, we do have faith. We have spoken about having a faith based counselor, but I'm not completely sure my husband is open to that. I don't exactly know how to go about networking, but I can explore our options. We live in a pretty small city.

[RealConfused]

You are a product of your choices. If you want those things then work hard to earn them yourself.

 

If you don't think your H is a good partner/provider then you can end the marriage.

 

But looking to someone else to provide you with what you want isn't going to solve YOUR problem.

 

How can you get those things YOURSELF?

 

And why would you have 3 kids when you knew he wasn't providing to your expectations? Do you get government assistance now?

 

I know that, I didn't make wise choices that will effect my entire life.

 

I've been really blessed to have a good paying job for someone my age making over $16/hour and we were doing okay..we had our own place, and were in a much better position.

 

But with my husband not being able to contribute at all for such an extended period of time, our financial situation got worse and worse.

 

Now, we've moved in with family and us and our kids share 1 room. The house is severely roach infested and it's not a situation I'm use to. I've never had to grow up poor thankfully, but experiencing this in my young adult life is hard and I'm having much difficulty adapting.

[juicygirl]

I know someone like you. Apart from the money thing what else is going on?

 

You are waiting for someone to come along with a pot of gold and rescue you from your life, why?

Does your husband help with the children?Is he looking for a job?how does he feel about the situation? Probably feels really emasculated. Less debts is less stress obviously but stuff isn't going to give you companionship or help you raise you're children. What are you doing to help the situation? Maybe seek debt management to work on your budget, have an account that's strictly for saving to move house, even if it only starts out small, buy less and pay off any debts.most people can get out of debt it's just a long road and your have to be committed to getting out and saving.

Is your husband really a loser or are you just going through a hard time?

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Thanks for your reply! I appreciate it. I understand what you're saying and it helps put things in perspective for me.

you're very welcome.

 

i know how bad it is through similar experiances in my life. The only thing that i can see that will help is for him to take a community college course. for the price and knowlege he may find a job easier. Welding, plumbing, heating and air... stuff like that. you may so a search for available jobs that fit the course material. you can always contact any company and talk with a manager and ask what requirements are needed if only having college course training.

 

 

it will take time, but is better than sitting and waiting for luck to change.

 

 

hope you are able to keep faith and push your husband to take initiative. things will get better once he does something. take care.

[Mr. Lucky]

He is a high school graduate. He is not employed. He's been employed on and off for several years of us being together.

 

My expectation is that he can maintain a full time job so we can have a sustainable future, as well as take care of our needs for right now.

Thanks for the clarification. He should be working even if it's flipping burgers on the night shift after you come home. No reason he can't bring in an income, even if it's not from the job or at the level you might both want.

 

Certainly good to have lofty goals and high ambitions but, in the meantime, still have to pay the bills. Why does he say he's not working RIGHT now?

 

Mr. Lucky

[RealConfused]

Tell us more about your husband and what he does with his time and energy.

 

Is he currently employed? If yes, what does he do and how many hours a week?

 

What is he doing to work on the family budget and what plans is he making towards a better financial future?

 

Is he unemployed or working part time for minimum wage and no benefits? If so, what is doing to find a livable fulltime job?

 

Does he have an education/job training? Is he currently taking classes.

 

In other words what is he doing to support his family and make a better future? All you have given us is you are dissatisfied with your current lifestyle (aren't we all?)

 

There is a big difference between a guy that sits on the couch, drinking, smoking and eating Cheetos all day vs a clean, sober hard working guy who busts his ass 60 hours a week at a couple jobs and has his nose to the grindstone budgeting and squirreling away savings for the future but his wife wants a new Lexus SUV rather than the Ford Taurus with 150,000 miles on it.

 

From how you've worded your post, You sound closer to wanting a Lexus rather than him actually being a "loser."

 

More info on what he is actually doing to support the family is needed.

 

He spends his days watching our kids and sometimes applies for jobs online.

 

He is not employed. We've been together for several years and he has an issue with chronic unemployment. For most of our relationship, I've been the breadwinner. So, now that we are hitting our mid 20s, I'm becoming fearful that he may never really be able to help support us.

 

He's recently started talking about going back to school. So that's something he may do in the future.

 

Trust me, I'm not the Lexus type. I wish we had a Taurus with 100,000 miles.

 

My husband has been unemployed more times than he's been working during our relationship. I've been the breadwinner, I've paid our rent, got us a SUV (which is now broken down and repairs are now too expensive to get it fixed).

 

Things have gotten worse with him not being employed and with me having time off of work due to bed rest with our last child. So because of that, we've had to move in with his family and share 1 room for our entire family. There is other family members living there too and it's roach infested. I hate this situation and naturally it has caused me to second guess my husband and our future.