We don't communicate, we have sex...

[Southern_Momma1013]

Ok. Here goes nothing. I am new to any kind of forum and 10 minutes ago when I registered on this site is the first time I ever even considered trying this. So just try to bear with me.

 

Some background info..I am 23, as is DH. I have been with DH for 3 years, married for only 5 months now. My youngest son will be 1 on the 30th and my oldest son (who is from a previous relationship) will be 4.

 

When my DH and I first met, I was 6 months post 4 year long break up. He was an excellent friend and helped me through a lot. We come to an agreement of friends with benefits. During this time he was still a good friend and would talk to me about things deeper than the weather. We got really close and eventually became more than friends with benefits...Fast forward 1 year.. We decided I should move in with him after finding out I was pregnant. This is where things began to change. I expected change. Communicating became extremely harder. And little by little he stopped talking. We had LOTS of relationship problems during the pregnancy and would not talk to me about any of them. Soon after I gave birth to out son, I discovered he had been talking to one of his female friends all the time. Which isnt what bothers me. What bothers me is that he was helping her with her relationship problems. But couldn't and still cant talk to me about ours. And will still drop what he is doing to be there when she needs him. Which is what a good friend does. However, he will not talk to me the way I need him to.

I just recently found out I have a 3cm cyst on my ovary AND after 2 years of back problems, scans show that i need a spinal fusion AND in between learning of those problems (1 month time span) we learned his step dads bone cancer is back for the 2nd time. He will NOT talk to me about any of these issues! Last night he told me the reason is because talking about it makes it feel real and scares him. And that I am going to have to accept and understand that he will not talk because of those reasons...But here is the twist.. We still have sex. And lots of it. I am aware that I use sex as a coping mechanism when there is a lack of communication. It is the only way I get to feel intimately close to him. So when he is not in the mood, for whatever reason, I get beyond mad. And we FIGHT. Horribly. And it always goes back to he will not talk to me. I have tried explaining that talking is another form of intimacy and sex is only half of it.. But that doesn't matter to him because of his reasons for not talking to begin with..

I don't know what to do anymore. Sex isn't enough to fulfill me anymore.. I have tried calmly talking and explaining how this all makes me feel. But when I do that, he always tries to hug or kiss me to distract me and turn it into sex..And I used to let him do that.. For a long time I did because I thought that meant we had resolved the issue. And for a week, maybe 2, all was well again. But I finally realized that was making it worse because the issue was not getting discussed. I only realized this after many months because I kept wondering why we were still fighting about the same thing. Finally figured it out one night when I was trying to get him to open up and I asked "Why are we constantly fighting about the same thing?" He said his famous line, "I'm sorry. I will try to do better", then made his move, making me realize what he had been doing. "****ing me into oblivion" if you will. I've tried to back off and ignore it but that makes me hurt more and even angrier in the long run.. He has shot down counseling.. I do not know what else to do. And i feel like if this problem is not resolved it will destroy our marriage. Somebody, anybody, HELP!!!!!

 

(Sorry this is so long, but this is actually the shortened version)

Edited September 22, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[oldshirt]

 

We come to an agreement of friends with benefits.

 

he is still living according to that agreement. He's just not as much of a friend as you'd like.

 

We got really close and eventually became more than friends with benefits

 

 

I'm not sure he's in agreement with that

 

 

 

 

... I expected change.

 

always a mistake. You have to mindfully create change. You should never expect it to just occur with men. If you originally sign up for FWB, you have to mindfully rewrite the contract for that to change

 

, I discovered he had been talking to one of his female friends all the time. Which isnt what bothers me. What bothers me is that he was helping her with her relationship problems. But couldn't and still cant talk to me about ours. And will still drop what he is doing to be there when she needs him. Which is what a good friend does. However, he will not talk to me the way I need him to.

 

 

 

this can be considered an emotional affair and there may even be a physical affair taking place. 23 year old don't spend much time and energy with women unless there's poontang or potential poontang involved. (He's getting it for free with you, more on that later)

 

 

 

. We still have sex. And lots of it. I am aware that I use sex as a coping mechanism when there is a lack of communication. It is the only way I get to feel intimately close to him.

 

that's not going to last much longer. Your legs are going to slam shut from the lack of intimacy and appreciation soon and then things are going to really get interesting.

 

 

 

 

I have tried calmly talking and explaining how this all makes me feel. But when I do that, he always tries to hug or kiss me to distract me and turn it into sex..And I used to let him do that..

 

 

which means it works for him so why should he change a system that is clearly working for him?????

 

If it ain't working for you, then you are going to have to be the one that changes things up.

 

 

Finally figured it out one night when I was trying to get him to open up and I asked "Why are we constantly fighting about the same thing?" He said his famous line, "I'm sorry. I will try to do better", then made his move, making me realize what he had been doing. "****ing me into oblivion" if you will.

 

ahh, the light comes on and now you can see.

 

 

 

I've tried to back off and ignore it but that makes me hurt more and even angrier in the long run..

 

that's usually what ignoring things does.

 

 

 

He has shot down counseling.. I do not know what else to do. And i feel like if this problem is not resolved it will destroy our marriage. Somebody, anybody, HELP!!!!!

 

 

it's not just a feeling, it is reality. Something does has to give here.

 

Unfortunately this may be a case of where you must be willing to blow up and end your marriage in order to try to save it.....and the chance of everyone living happily ever after here is small. Read more below.

 

(Sorry this is so long, but this is actually the shortened version)

 

I addressed a few point in bold above.

 

IMHO this guy is not as emotionally invested in this relationship as you, not by a long ways.

 

To him it is still just a FWB arraingement but he just has to put up with a crying baby and your whining about communication. He is not "present" in the relationship, it's just a steady source of sex for him.

 

I really think you need to do some serious investigation into this other woman. I'm pretty sure if you go through phone, records, emails, Facebook, credit cards etc, you will find they have a much friendlier version of a FWB thing going on.

 

...and if for some reason he isn't having sex with her, he wants to very badly and is trying his hardest.

 

I guarantee you that once you get losses off enough at him that his touch makes your skin crawl and you stop having sex with him on demand, that things will change. Once he has had his tank drained (by you) for a couple months he is going to be wondering why.

 

The very real risk here is once the poontang is gone, he may be gone as well.

 

It would be advisable to find another method of getting his attention about your needs.

 

My suggestion is to blow up the affair with this OW. Do some snooping on the down low and find the smoking gun and indisputable proof of their affair and then blow it up. Send her packing, expose the affair to HIS family and her BF. (Don't expose him to yours yet in case you reconcile. They will hate him forever if they find out and will really hamper having him be unblocked in your baby's life.)

 

This will only be resolved by drastic 'actions'. I can tell you are a talker and want things to be worked out and accomplished through talking, but talk is not going to fix this. You are going to have to actually Do things.

[travelbug1996]

whose idea was it to get married??

[Southern_Momma1013]

I've checked all phone records, bank statements, credit card statements, all social media profiles... The only thing was the few convos from back in match of 2013. I found that convo august of 2013 and have watched closely eveyday since. I know there couldn't be a physical affair cause this woman lives in Mississippi. It's someone he went to high school with... Since I confronted him last year with him talkin to her he lets me know his every move. Something I've told him time and time before he doesn't have to. Says he doesn't want to give me any reason to doubt.... So I just don't know.

And he asked me to marry him

[Almond_Joy]

Agree with oldshirt.

 

You have to be willing to stop having sex with him and throw in the towel on the marriage if he doesn't try to communicate. This marriage cannot have a foundation of intimacy if he will not be vulnerable with you and talk to you about what's bothering him.

 

It sounds like he's getting everything he wants right now - if he really wanted the kind of relationship you do you wouldn't have to resort to "taking away his perks" to get him to work on the marriage. Unfortunatey that's not the case here.

[ladyu]

dont ask for sex , dont expect him to talk u , just forget about him live in same bedroom , give him all the freedom if he doesnt want u let it be .... dont go after him, find friends or group of friends with whom u can share ur feelings, find a pet who u can cuddle , there is lot more on this earth than just thinking about husband , u can fulfill ur emotional needs by sharing with other people around , trust me when u find that right person u will be so happy and u will think how u wasted ur time discussing things with ur husband .... if he hugs or kisses just respond back as if u r not interested and dont let him turn it into sex he wont force u shud just give an excuse like u r tired ... after that u will see as human being u have many things apart from marriage and kids u will be much happier , he may try to come back to u and communicate but that time u will be busy and he will be just an option not a necessity (like for him u r just an option as he has female friend )