Jump to content

Wife feels we don't have enough intimacy


Recommended Posts

Hi everyone. I have lurked on this forum for a while but have not found a situation that matches our own, so I decided to start this thread. I apologise in advance for its length.

 

I am 34, my wife is 29. We met in 2003. For the first few years we had an amazing sex life. She worked part time and I was on the road a lot as a pre sales consultant but we were both young and there were no intimacy issues.

 

In 2005 I was promoted to pre sales manager but although my salary increased, my commission did not because I was tied up with both administration and technical work. So I decided to leave and start my own company in 2006. This was also the year we got married.

 

Things went well and the company grew steadily. From 2 employees in 2006 to 18 today. From 2006 my wifeet quit her job and started studying. In 2009 we had our first child, a son.

 

We were still very happy at this stage. In 2011 we had another son. We had hoped for a girl. Last year we had another son. We are trying again for a girl.

 

Now she is complaining that I am not into her enough. We have sex about 5 to 6 times a week. I try to show her I appreciate and love her in a lot of ways.

 

I help with the house most days, and hired someone to clean twice a week.

 

I take over with many of the child care tasks as soon as I get home from work.

 

I make sure I cook at least twice a week to give her a break.

 

I arrange with my family and hers to take the children ato least one week night per week, sometimes 2, so I can arrange a date night.

 

She enjoys it but if we don't have a lot of sex that night and the next day she gets upset.

 

The reality is I'm tired. I am drowning in work and then I get home and do chores and look after the kids, and Ince they are asleep I work for an hour or two in my study most days. After all that sometimes I just want to sleep or watch TV.

 

I know I should be grateful after reading about six starved guys on this site, but I am nit sure what to do. Sometimes I just give in and do it and think about work.

 

She is happier after we are intimate but if I skip a day the accusations that I am not into her start again .

 

I don't really know what to do. Help!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Is she working? If not, she should then she would be able to relate. ijs

 

She isn't at the moment. She wants to start a small events company. I'm supportive... but it's going to take a while to get going.

Link to post
Share on other sites
evanescentworld

I think, from your post that it sounds as if you are doing all the right things, so to be honest, I'm not sure what she's complaining about...! Have you actually taken time out to discuss this in detail? Do YOU know what she means by it? :confused:

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I think, from your post that it sounds as if you are doing all the right things, so to be honest, I'm not sure what she's complaining about...! Have you actually taken time out to discuss this in detail? Do YOU know what she means by it? :confused:

 

I think it's just a matter of not enough intimacy for her. If we have set every day she stops complaining. If we miss it for even 2 days she starts getting moody. I love her a lot and in general she's such a sweet and loving person. I am very lucky to have her.

 

But I can't really keep up with her desired pace right now.

Link to post
Share on other sites
evanescentworld
I think it's just a matter of not enough intimacy for her. If we have set every day she stops complaining. If we miss it for even 2 days she starts getting moody. I love her a lot and in general she's such a sweet and loving person. I am very lucky to have her.

 

But I can't really keep up with her desired pace right now.

 

Then you have to tell her that because an uneven sex drive between you will prove a stumbling point and it will make your relationship worse. You need to discuss this away from the bedroom and even maybe with a psychosexual counsellor because it will cause a rift, I guarantee it.

Does she equate sex with love and affection? Or is she simply very horny?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Then you have to tell her that because an uneven sex drive between you will prove a stumbling point and it will make your relationship worse. You need to discuss this away from the bedroom and even maybe with a psychosexual counsellor because it will cause a rift, I guarantee it.

Does she equate sex with love and affection? Or is she simply very horny?

 

I'm not sure. She has just always been very touchy feely and lovey dovey. We usually go to sleep cuddling. When we watch TV she puts her head on my chest. Usually when we cuddle she tries to push it further. This was fine for the first few years. But now I'm just too tired. It's not that I don't want to. I'm just exhausted much of the time.

 

I know she gets tired too but in my opinion it's a different type of tired.

 

My average week:

 

6 am. Get up, feed and change the kids, feed the dogs, make breakfast and coffee for my wife. Get ready for work and leave.

 

8 am to 4 PM. Drive to clients, deal with clients and technical problems, manage staff and administration issues, draw up proposals, sit in meetings.

 

5 PM. Get home. Look after the kids. Unless it's dathe night. Then arrange family to look after them and take my wife on a date.

 

6 PM. Feed the kids, bath the kids, spend time with them and then pit them to sleep. Depending on the day make dinner for us and feed the dogs. Sometimes wife does this.

 

8 PM. Catch up on work.

 

9 PM. Shower and get into bed.

 

Her days:

 

Depending on the day, sometimes the kids go to my mom or to her mom. This happens 3 days per week. She goes to pilates, aqua aerobics or for a facial, or shopping.

 

The other 2 days she looks after the kids for the whole day. But these days are usually date nights so the kids will go to family members in the evening.

 

I'm not saying she does less. She's great with the kids and they are very happy kids. But work stresses drain me sometimes. I don't feel she experiences that.

 

I can sometimes arrange my schedule to be home early but I have to keep the business running so have to make up the time.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It's not easy to run a company and this is something your wife needs to understand. If she wants to not have to worry about living then she will have to make compromises. I think you have already done a fairly good job being a good husband and being intimate with her. Let her know you are working hard not just for her but also for the future of your kids. Another suggestion would be for you to talk to her more about what you do - so that she can have a better idea (and appreciation) of what you and hopefully this can make her become more understanding.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'd say she has too much free time and is getting slightly bored. In that emptiness, she's starting to obsess about sex. She has to get back to work.

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks DreamLost

 

I am doing my best. I don't blame her for the way she feels. No one can control that. You feel how you feel. But I don't know what to do about it. She's a lovely person so I rarely say no, but I just am not into it anymore. Physically it's good of course but a lot of the time I'd rather just be sleeping.

 

 

 

 

It's not easy to run a company and this is something your wife needs to understand. If she wants to not have to worry about living then she will have to make compromises. I think you have already done a fairly good job being a good husband and being intimate with her. Let her know you are working hard not just for her but also for the future of your kids. Another suggestion would be for you to talk to her more about what you do - so that she can have a better idea (and appreciation) of what you and hopefully this can make her become more understanding.
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I'd say she has too much free time and is getting slightly bored. In that emptiness, she's starting to obsess about sex. She has to get back to work.

 

She had a part time job before but stopped when we had children.

 

She has a real talent for cake decorating and party planning so we are working on plans to start a company. It will likely only be after our next child.

Link to post
Share on other sites
evanescentworld

She has to understand that on the face of it, and judging by your account, there is an imbalance of activities here, and she's getting off lightly. You work hard and do much, both professionally and domestically, and it seems she's willing to let you.

 

This is why I believe speaking to a counsellor to explain everything and discuss matters openly - with no fear of it descending into a tit-for-tat argument, is important...

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks for the reply.

 

I have to say I don't resent anything I do for her. I appreciate what she does and just being with me and having my children.

 

The last thing I want her to do is get stressed. I want to try to work this out for both of us. If it's a problem on my side i will accept that.

 

She has to understand that on the face of it, and judging by your account, there is an imbalance of activities here, and she's getting off lightly. You work hard and do much, both professionally and domestically, and it seems she's willing to let you.

 

This is why I believe speaking to a counsellor to explain everything and discuss matters openly - with no fear of it descending into a tit-for-tat argument, is important...

Link to post
Share on other sites
If it's a problem on my side i will accept that.

It is an issue with the marriage that should be shared with your spouse and handled by both of you.

 

She is not being empathetic of your hectic schedule and you are bending to her will without discussing the fact that it is an issue for you.

 

It is not a problem on YOUR side other than the fact that you can't seem to be able to share the issue with her without repercussions. A marriage is a partnership and you should be able to openly discuss things like this with her.

 

All libidos ebb-and-flow and life and for many, there comes a point where one needs/wants less than another who made need/want more. A healthy relationship exists where partners understand that in one another and makes concessions accordingly. It sounds as though you have made concessions towards her needs long enough and she now needs to reciprocate.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

The issue with that is is that I just love her too much to hurt her. I agree with you. I should bring up the subject with her but I do not know how.

 

Anything I say will make it seem like I am not into her. Which isn't true.

 

Last night we had sex but I was literally thinking about code for a new plug in for one of our clients. I mean I actually started mentally writing the code during sex. How can I tell her that?

 

It is an issue with the marriage that should be shared with your spouse and handled by both of you.

 

She is not being empathetic of your hectic schedule and you are bending to her will without discussing the fact that it is an issue for you.

 

It is not a problem on YOUR side other than the fact that you can't seem to be able to share the issue with her without repercussions. A marriage is a partnership and you should be able to openly discuss things like this with her.

 

All libidos ebb-and-flow and life and for many, there comes a point where one needs/wants less than another who made need/want more. A healthy relationship exists where partners understand that in one another and makes concessions accordingly. It sounds as though you have made concessions towards her needs long enough and she now needs to reciprocate.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Last night we had sex but I was literally thinking about code for a new plug in for one of our clients. I mean I actually started mentally writing the code during sex. How can I tell her that?

 

You don't, of course...

 

But you DO need to be able to talk to her about your work load, expectations, etc.

 

I am a newly wed (in my 50s, but still) - and when my husband has a lot on his plate and is under stress, his libido diminishes. I understand that I do not make expectations during those times.

 

He doesn't tell me that while he is licking my clit, that he is actually mentally extracting a difficult cataract from an ailing patient. He simply tells me that he has a lot on his plate and hopes I understand he needs to concentrate to be able to be more effective for his job as a surgeon.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

OP, you're a victim of your own success. You are a catch and of course she is interested in you. What is all this work for? Maybe that will help answer your question of what to do.

 

Connecting with someone is so important. Maybe you need to do less, she needs to do more. Maybe she would feel connected if you sexted her in the day? Teased her a little? Dragged it out a day or more? Made it a game.

 

Often sex is a way to bond. Bonding can be done in other ways too. I think probably the more successful you are the more she wants to bond.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

 

Now she is complaining that I am not into her enough. We have sex about 5 to 6 times a week. I try to show her I appreciate and love her in a lot of ways.

 

 

5 to six times a week! after kids? and years of marriage. Lucky you I guess - but you got a lot on your plate these days.

 

 

I know I should be grateful after reading about sex starved guys on this site, but I am not sure what to do. Sometimes I just give in and do it and think about work. She is happier after we are intimate but if I skip a day the accusations that I am not into her start again .

 

I don't know what to say. Everyone has different sex drives, I guess she has a high one - always has I assume? and yes many men are starved here, but every day with work and kids - and if you skip one or two she is upset? Does she have a high sex drive, or self esteem insecurity issues? I guess I would just do as your saying and "just do it" and try to take care of her needs, that's marriage, but is she taking care of your needs as well? Is she a good wife to you?

 

 

 

 

 

Comments above

Edited by dichotomy
Link to post
Share on other sites

 

Last night we had sex but I was literally thinking about code for a new plug in for one of our clients. I mean I actually started mentally writing the code during sex. How can I tell her that?

 

 

I see nothing wrong with this - kind of like when I go to a performance or musical my wife wants to see at a theater... and I am thinking of the stuff I need to do at home the next day... while holding her hand and smiling.:o Her happiness is important to me.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You need to get the book about the 5 love languages and figure out what her love language is and what it is she needs to feel loved and connected.

 

It's a good get her love language is physical touch. If that's the case then she needs lots of physical touch and affection etc.

 

So that may also mean she does NOT need you to be doing all this cleaning and cooking and child are etc.

 

Oprah was the one that started this whole men need to cook and clean and change diapers stuff. There are tons if women that couldn't care less about guys doing that.

 

If your wife would rather you lay the lumber to her than mop the floor, then thank your lucky stars and let someone else take care of the floor

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Is your business success worth harming your marriage? Perhaps you need more employees to handle some of the workload. Do you expect them to work all hours and in the evening as well, routinely? That is not healthy or sustainable, if so. You seem to be doing that, yourself, though. I think you should set fixed work hours for yourself (except, perhaps, in emergencies - and there should NOT be emergencies every week or you're organized wrong!). If necessary, take on fewer new clients or manage their expectations better to ensure that you have a life. You need better boundaries.

 

Once you modify your business acitvities, instead of working or thinking about work, focus on your wife. Many men would kill to have a wife as interested in sex as is yours. She may be too demanding or insecure, but you can't change her. Perhaps her own business will result in somewhat lower expectations on you, so that is worth pursuing.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks oldshirt. I will definitely check that out. I've heard of it before. Unfortunately my reading list is mainly limited to technical material these days but I'll try to squeeze it in.

 

You need to get the book about the 5 love languages and figure out what her love language is and what it is she needs to feel loved and connected.

 

It's a good get her love language is physical touch. If that's the case then she needs lots of physical touch and affection etc.

 

So that may also mean she does NOT need you to be doing all this cleaning and cooking and child are etc.

 

Oprah was the one that started this whole men need to cook and clean and change diapers stuff. There are tons if women that couldn't care less about guys doing that.

 

If your wife would rather you lay the lumber to her than mop the floor, then thank your lucky stars and let someone else take care of the floor

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

It's true I probably work too hard. I obviously have a huge investment in the business growing and succeeding though as you can imagine.

 

Last year it was worse. At one point I was working 9 to 5, coming home and taking care of the kids, having see with my wife so she wouldn't be upset, waiting for her to sleep and then working from 10 or 11 until 3 am, sleeping for 3 hours and repeating.

 

One night I had a vivid dream about a configuration that was going wrong. I was in a server room that was on a timer. Once the timer reached 0, the room would be sucked dry of oxygen. I had to fix the configuration to open the door. I woke up sweating and screaming.

 

At that point I did hire more people but things are still too hectic for me to cut my own workload.

 

Is your business success worth harming your marriage? Perhaps you need more employees to handle some of the workload. Do you expect them to work all hours and in the evening as well, routinely? That is not healthy or sustainable, if so. You seem to be doing that, yourself, though. I think you should set fixed work hours for yourself (except, perhaps, in emergencies - and there should NOT be emergencies every week or you're organized wrong!). If necessary, take on fewer new clients or manage their expectations better to ensure that you have a life. You need better boundaries.

 

Once you modify your business acitvities, instead of working or thinking about work, focus on your wife. Many men would kill to have a wife as interested in sex as is yours. She may be too demanding or insecure, but you can't change her. Perhaps her own business will result in somewhat lower expectations on you, so that is worth pursuing.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Comments above

 

Sorry. Forgot to answer your question. Yes she is a good wife. More than good. She is the sweetest person. If she could she would do everything for me. I have to literally say no so that I can help her out and she can rest.

 

Everything she says and does males it obvious she is thinking about me.

 

She is also amazing with the kids. They are happy and well adjusted largely thanks to her.

 

She doesn't get upset often ... only about sex if she feels ignored... and never yells.

 

I am very lucky to be married to her.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...