Finances in marriage?

[cheruvu]

I am 30, professional woman, totally capable of taking care of myself financially. Married to a guy who is also a professional but makes 8x more than I do. I know for a fact he is not having an affair or anything like that but I have some serious concerns...

 

 

1. Our job gives life insurance. When my husband assigned a beneficiary, he assigned it to his sister (I found out by chance). He never discussed it with me. I had assigned him as the beneficiary for my life insurance and I felt very bad when I found this information. Is this acceptable? I do not even know how to bring this issue up with him.

 

2. When my husband purchased the house, he did not want to put my name on the house. When I brought up the issue, he said, "you are still young, you have a lot of time to obtain property."

 

I felt very bad that he did not feel it was important to include me. When I discussed it, he said that I should realize the house was purchased for both of us and that I should not be worried about whether my name is on it or not. Is this acceptable? Or is it just his way of avoiding being financially connected with me?

 

 

3. He does not allow me to see any of his bank accounts or credit card statements. He gets angry if I open any mail that is addressed to him. Is it normal for him to keep things so separated?

[d0nnivain]

No. It's not "normal". Marriage is supposed to be a partnership where things especially finances are discussed openly.

 

The point of life insurance is so that you can keep the house if he dies. If you aren't the beneficiary, how does he expect that to happen.

 

He seems very selfish in at least this aspect. If there is more to his selfishness then just money you have a problem on your hands.

[CarrieT]

Wow, do you have a bunch of red flags... For starters, how long have you two been married? Secondly, do you live in a community property state?

 

1. The Life Insurance - I do not think listing his sister as beneficiary is acceptable. He doesn't view you as a partner and is not looking out for your well-being.

 

2. The House - Again, do you live in a community property state? You might be due half of the house, but it may depend on how he set-up the purchase and why he precluded you would infuriate me.

 

3.The Bank Statements - Another huge red flag. What do you do with your paycheck? How are household purchases like groceries or furnishings handled?

 

 

I just recently got married. I'm 50 years old and my fiancé and I discussed finances extensively before we got married to the extent of signing a pre-nup, changing our life insurance policies, and opening a joint account for household items (we both still maintain separate accounts for business reasons).

[Michelle ma Belle]

Something smells rotten in Denmark as they say.

 

Not only is this NOT normal but it is cause for some serious concern in my humble opinion.

[dichotomy]

Worried here.

 

 

Do you have kids? plan to?

 

Does his sister need his money if he dies (she is not well - or poor - and he supports her?) How much Life insurance we talking here?

 

Depending on where you live - if the home was purchased prior to the legal marriage - its premarital property. After marriage it should be martial property and if it was after marriage I am surprised he was able to get it without putting your name on the title with his. Was this an all out cash buy? Are you paying towards a mortgage or other household expenses?

 

Yes this is all very different - sounds like he wants an easy out and his assets protected. Surprised he did not ask you to sign a prenup. Or perhaps - just maybe if he is really that well off, maybe he is just used to buying what he wants and being in control of his money.

[dichotomy]

By the way - my wife came with notable legal and financial issues (at first) into the marriage and moved into my own home.

 

She stayed off my home documents, accounts, credit... etc.... and was not a direct name on my Life insurance or will (used a trust)...until we got things straightened out from her past disasters. We did and its all pretty straightforward now.

 

But this does not sound like your case.

[pink_sugar]

Something is definitely off. It sounds like he doesn't see a future with you to be quite honest. The whole house and life insurance thing...

[Got it]

I am 30, professional woman, totally capable of taking care of myself financially. Married to a guy who is also a professional but makes 8x more than I do. I know for a fact he is not having an affair or anything like that but I have some serious concerns...

 

 

1. Our job gives life insurance. When my husband assigned a beneficiary, he assigned it to his sister (I found out by chance). He never discussed it with me. I had assigned him as the beneficiary for my life insurance and I felt very bad when I found this information. Is this acceptable? I do not even know how to bring this issue up with him.

 

2. When my husband purchased the house, he did not want to put my name on the house. When I brought up the issue, he said, "you are still young, you have a lot of time to obtain property."

 

I felt very bad that he did not feel it was important to include me. When I discussed it, he said that I should realize the house was purchased for both of us and that I should not be worried about whether my name is on it or not. Is this acceptable? Or is it just his way of avoiding being financially connected with me?

 

 

3. He does not allow me to see any of his bank accounts or credit card statements. He gets angry if I open any mail that is addressed to him. Is it normal for him to keep things so separated?

 

Big, huge, ginormous red flags. Massive. Deal breakers for me and immediate appointment with a financial professional and marriage counselor.

[jackslife]

You should be very concerned.

 

When my wife and I had our son and moved house we put both names on the mortgage and property and took out life insurances to benefit each other in the case of one of us dying.

 

My wife's job is low paid and she has never paid a penny toward the mortgage, I've always paid it, but that doesn't matter. If I died she should have the house and a lump sum to pay the mortgage and help her out. That's partly about what the marriage is about.

 

Your husband is behaving disgracefully. He has so little love for you that in the event of his death he is intending to leave you homeless and without money.

 

Why didn't you do joint wills? Why didn't you discuss beneficiaries before? Although not affair related I think that your husbands behaviour should be of huge concern to you...

[jackslife]

With respect to the finances. This is always a dodgy area with couples...

 

We have a joint bank account to cover bills, food etc although as the main earner it is only my money that goes in. My wife buys the food etc. We have our own accounts and we would never open each others mail.

[central]

This is not normal, and his secrecy on financial matters is a red flag issue. Is he hiding assets and transactions for some unethical or illegal reason, for instance? Does he plan to divorce you, and is trying to keep you ignorant of assets to which you'd have a claim?

 

As for the house, that's not necessarily bad - if you have joint bank accounts. But it depends on how assets are owned and divided upon divorce, in your state. Our house is in my name (I purchased it before we married), but our major bank accounts are joint. So, if we are ever forced into foreclosure, the bank cannot go after the substantial assets in the joint account.

[beatcuff]

seems the responders are ignoring the following:

 

I am (snip) totally capable of taking care of myself financially.

 

AND

 

When my husband purchased the house

 

it appears you agreed to keep your financial lives separate. if so then this ---

 

He does not allow me to see any of his bank accounts or credit card statements.

 

makes sense.

 

what was your agreement?

when did he purchase the home?

 

if you have an agreement, why are you changing it? and what was his response?

 

only then can i provide advice.

[DreamLost]

Hi Cheruvu, I think you will need to give us a bit more information.

 

When you say he makes 8 times as much as you do, I am assuming he is in the field of banking or a related industry. People in these fields are generally more sensitive (and protective) to their personal finance. Does he seem like this kind of person? Also, is he much older than you? Is this his first marriage? Is it possible that he has had some bad experience with someone else before?

 

As for the beneficiary for the insurance, is his sister able to support herself currently? Does she have a family? Some of these questions may explain for his actions.

[Lisey9]

Did he get a new job after you married? If so, I can see why you would question that he listed his sister as the beneficiary and not you. Are you the beneficiary on his 401k?

 

 

If he has had the same job since before you got married, the issue would be that he hasn't updated his life insurance beneficiary versus choosing his sister over you, correct?

 

 

Did he purchase the house before or after you married?

[CarrieT]

I think we have a hit-and-run...

 

The OP hasn't responded since the initial post, two days ago...

[jackslife]

I think we have a hit-and-run...

 

The OP hasn't responded since the initial post, two days ago...

 

Lot of those recently

[MissBee]

Wow, do you have a bunch of red flags... For starters, how long have you two been married? Secondly, do you live in a community property state?

 

1. The Life Insurance - I do not think listing his sister as beneficiary is acceptable. He doesn't view you as a partner and is not looking out for your well-being.

 

2. The House - Again, do you live in a community property state? You might be due half of the house, but it may depend on how he set-up the purchase and why he precluded you would infuriate me.

 

3.The Bank Statements - Another huge red flag. What do you do with your paycheck? How are household purchases like groceries or furnishings handled?

 

 

I just recently got married. I'm 50 years old and my fiancé and I discussed finances extensively before we got married to the extent of signing a pre-nup, changing our life insurance policies, and opening a joint account for household items (we both still maintain separate accounts for business reasons).

 

I agree with Carrie T.

 

Why did you even agree to him purchasing the house on his own?

 

Did you discuss finances AT ALL before marrying?

 

I am just dating and briefly my bf and I discussed living together, we didn't end up doing it, but in the discussion we were frank about the actual figures of our income, spending habits, monthly expenses and a host of other things which would become important if we were living together. So I can't imagine in a marriage how these things wouldn't be worked out beforehand.

 

If my spouse made 8 times as much as I did or was wealthy enough to where they wanted to purchase the marital home themselves, I don't think I'd agree. For me personally I'd at least want to put SOMETHING towards it so it feels like ours...or if they insist and decide to "gift" it to me in the marriage I would definitely need them to make it official by putting my name on it.

 

Does he go out of his way to hide financial statements and such from you?

 

I think you guys need to be a lot more open with each other and you should raise these concerns one day without seeming confrontational. Is your husband significantly older than you? As for opening mail, I'd be annoyed with this too personally. I don't open other people's mail, even if we're together. I don't see that as a necessity and I see that as one of the spaces in which a couple is allowed to have their own thing. I LOVE opening my own mail and packages and would be VERY annoyed if every time I come home I find all my mail or packages already opened by my SO. After I've opened them I don't care if they look at it but opening them before me would be aggravating.