I know I'm wrong, but how wrong?

[78Celia]

My husband and I have been married for 5 years, and so far we're planning on staying married. Unfortunately we've been living in separate homes for the past year. We went through a very rough patch, we were trying to work on being in the same house, but there are so many factors at play - we now live in different cities, we have kids who are still in school (no kids together - kids from previous marriages). There are a million things we have to take into account before moving back in together.

 

All that being said - about two months ago my husband suddenly - abruptly told me that he hated me. He said he hated me, I was the reason for everything bad that happened to him in the time we were married, and he never wanted to talk to me again. I begged him to have a discussion, but he ignored me. He wouldn't talk to me, see me, answer texts, answer e-mails, etc. I felt like this was just a finality to a series of BS fights and it was over. I felt like our relationship was so up and down I just wanted to do something that would make me never go back with him. I did the worst thing I could ever have done.

 

I slept with someone else. It was horrible. It was just a disgusting experience. It was with a friend, but I can't even talk to the guy anymore. I felt justified up until the second the other man and I started having sex - then I felt like there is NO EXCUSE to sleep with someone else when you're married even though the words "it's over" were said, we did not get a divorce. I have been beating myself up over this.

 

To make matters worse, we're talking again and we're seriously doing work to repair what's been broken. I just haven't told him about the other man. I don't know how. I don't know if I should. All I know is I can't sleep. I can't function because I am scared to death this will wreck all the work we've been putting into the marriage.

 

I keep trying to remind myself that he told me he hated me because he wanted me to hate him back and he wanted me to move on. He purposefully said something to me to make me feel like we were done.

 

I just don't know what to do. Is it worth it to tell him just to ease my own mind? Then again shouldn't I tell him in case someone else does? We live in a small community and he's bound to find out eventually.

 

I know I did something wrong. But just how wrong was it. Anyone ever been in a similar situation? Tell him? I can't sleep. I am fretting over this to the point of physical and mental exhaustion.

[heartshaped]

Tell him and face the music.

 

Honestly, it sounds like this marriage is doomed and I'm not saying that to be mean, but to give you a wake up call. You both have children still in school from previous marriages, are not living in the same homes, and have had a horrific time of things and now you've slept with someone else.

 

I don't think there's any coming back from this and that may be for the best as much as you love him.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have been beating myself up over this.

As the previous poster said, the truth will set you free. With the additional "small town" complication, best he hear it from you.

 

You two have a lot of challenges and this is just one more. Given the confusing circumstances (how long did you go NC at your H's wishes?), you're due some latitude and forgiveness. Time to take it up with the only person that can offer it. Good luck and keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lollipopspot]

All that being said - about two months ago my husband suddenly - abruptly told me that he hated me. He said he hated me, I was the reason for everything bad that happened to him in the time we were married, and he never wanted to talk to me again. I begged him to have a discussion, but he ignored me. He wouldn't talk to me, see me, answer texts, answer e-mails, etc. I felt like this was just a finality to a series of BS fights and it was over.

 

AS the other poster asked, for how long did he stop communicating with you?

 

If this is accurate, and there was a sufficient time of NC, I probably would have felt we were broken up and it was over. At that point, if I really felt that it was over, and my partner hated me and wouldn't communicate with me, I'd consider myself a free agent.

 

If you're sure he's going to be told at some point (why?) then I guess tell him.

 

But you two really need to work on better communication. I'm not sure that you did something "worse" than he did, because there isn't enough to this story. If he really ended it, and that was very clear from his communication, then he's got little to say about it.

[2sunny]

Sure tell him.

 

It's the right thing to do.

[78Celia]

It was a solid month of zero contact. I even attempted to get to him through family. He made it clear this wasn't a break. We have an attorney friend and he was going to go through him to draft joint divorce papers.

[CC12]

I can't function because I am scared to death this will wreck all the work we've been putting into the marriage.

 

It will wreck all the work you've both done, but you're both working for something that's been broken for a long time. If living in separate houses was a voluntary choice, I think that's really when the marriage failed. And if not, it really shouldn't be that hard of a decision for a married couple to choose to live together again. You two are clinging to something that just isn't there anymore.

 

You both chose to take the nuclear option and did things that solidified, in your minds, the absolute end of the relationship. He knew, and you knew, that there was no going back after he told you he hated you and after you slept with someone else. You both did things that would hurt the other in such a deep way that you thought you wouldn't be able to forgive each other. Yet here you both are, trying to make this doomed relationship work, for some reason.

 

You both were right, there is no going back after deliberately hurting the other in these ways. Tell him that you slept with someone else, and just end this relationship once and for all. It was over a long time ago.

[CC12]

It was a solid month of zero contact. I even attempted to get to him through family. He made it clear this wasn't a break. We have an attorney friend and he was going to go through him to draft joint divorce papers.

 

Hang on, he went to your attorney friend for legal advice? Then that's his lawyer, not yours. That attorney friend is not working in your best interests and you should hire your own lawyer.

[78Celia]

I honestly thought I would post my original message and I'd get a bunch of hateful responses about how much of a crazy whore I am. Basically because that is the reaction I'm expecting from him. I really appreciate all of the useful feedback.

 

The choice to live separately was at first not a decision made together. If I were to get into the whole story, I'd have to start my own entire forum. Essentially, it wasn't working the way we were doing things, so I left until he could figure out his priorities. Turns out that took more than a year and still - here we are.

 

The bottom line is this: I decided to sleep with someone else because I needed to do something I felt he could never forgive. I was at a breaking point after the no contact for so long (he is a stonewaller and I know that's one of the four horsemen ... it will lead to divorce if not addressed) I couldn't take any more. I knew if I did this one thing I would be forced to tell him eventually and he would never take me back. That would hurt, but I didn't trust myself with myself. I didn't trust that I would be able to walk away from him forever. So that right there should tell me a lot. I shouldn't need a forum to tell me I need to just turn and run. I shouldn't even tell him about the sex. Why bother if I'm going to leave. I don't want to leave looking like the bad guy. These are things I tell myself when I'm clear - then I talk to him and I forget all rationality.

[angie2443]

Essentially, it wasn't working the way we were doing things, so I left until he could figure out his priorities. Turns out that took more than a year and still - here we are.

 

.

 

Could you be more specific? From all you've said so far, I think I agree with LadyLuck. This marriage sounds bad, and your husband sounds like sounds like a selfish, manipulative jerk. I think if you could explain what priorities he had to figure out, the situation would be even more clear and you would get even better advice. I wish you luck.

[oldshirt]

Please do give us the background story. Living apart in separate homes for a year, saying he hates you, zero contact for a month etc etc are very serious signs of deep conflict and disconnect, Your background story and events leading up to this are relevant.

 

Please give us some background including your ages, how long together, prior marriages/children, ages of children, how your relationship was in the beginning, when started to go bad, what caused all the conflict and turmoil, what you have done to try to fix it, any health/medical/psychiatric problems etc.

 

All we have to go on so far is a Jerry Springer saga of some guy being a butthole and cocking off to his estranged wife and her banging some dude in retaliation. We need the background info to put the bigger picture into context.

[78Celia]

Ok - background.

I'm 36 he's 42. He has 3 kids aged 13-18, I have 2 aged 6 and 13. We met 12 years ago and were friends - he was married and I assumed that marriage was dissolved - or dissolving and our friendship turned into an affair. That ended when I realized he was staying with his wife "for the kids." I moved on had a 3 year relationship which didn't work out - for no significant reason. Shortly thereafter we reconnected. He divorced his wife, I was single and we decided to be together. Within a few months we were married. I moved myself, my kids, my life into his home - it wasn't an ideal home but he promised we wouldn't be there for longer than a year. The only one of our kids who had their own room was his daughter - because she is the only girl - everyone else was crammed into bedrooms. I stopped working and became a stay-home mom/wife/nanny/housekeeper/etc. That was against my grain, but I made it work. I found hobbies, I pursued a MA online, and I was feeling pretty good about life. But the conversation of getting out of the house and into a better one (we lived in a neighborhood where people got shot on the street corner) kept coming up and he kept putting it off. Finally I lost it. I could not live there anymore. We had a fight - the biggest one we ever had - no hitting, but a lot of yelling - and I moved in with my mother. I stayed with my mom and two kids up until about 3 months ago when she bought a house. This whole past year we've been apart but committed. We have been trying to make time for each other, date, keep the family together (getting the kids together, etc.) and I thought things were going o.k. It was rough, because we live 20 minutes from each other, but we made it work. It was also supposed to be a temporary situation. Right before my mother moved out to her new house, I told him I had to decide then whether I was going to sign a year lease or if we were going to do this living together thing. I forgot to mention - about a month after I moved out he moved himself and his kids out of that house finally. But he moved into a small apartment - all 7 of us could NOT live there. This summer we were really focusing on spending more and more time together to get back into that habit of every day life seeing each other, dealing with the little spats that come up in a relationship, etc. Everything was going smoothly. Our last conversation about living together was that he didn't know if he was ready yet. So I told him I had no choice but to sign another year lease. We didn't argue about that - there was not much of a discussion. I saw him on a Friday, I didn't talk to him all that weekend. I asked him the following Monday what the problem was, he said nothing he was just busy. That Monday I also took his mom to the doctor, ran errands, etc. and he didn't talk to me that day. Then he didn't talk to me the next ... and I realized it's been 5 days since we talked. I tried to call him, no answer. I texted, no answer. Finally that Sunday I got a message stating that he hated me and I was the reason for every bad thing that ever happened to him.

 

I don't know what happened. It was abrupt. I know that many of our arguments over the past year were about the fact that we didn't live together. I felt unimportant to him - I didn't see him enough. I literally spent 48 hours a month with him (every other Friday night to Saturday). He said I demanded too much. He works 60 hour weeks, and I cannot find my way back into the workforce after five years of being a stay at home. I know - I really should step up my game on that, but I'm working on it.

 

That's pretty much it. I brought up a mutual lawyer friend - when we decided to separate last May (2013), we went to him to file a joint divorce. He didn't represent either of us - he just walked us through the process. He said he wouldn't be either of our attorney. He married us! He helped both of us with custody issues with our exes.

 

The more I think about this the more I think sometimes there's so much history starting over isn't an option. I don't know who I am anymore except a jilted wife. And I don't know who he is anymore except the person who makes me cry. I'm not prefect. I know a lot of my own dysfunctions have contributed to our downfall, but I also don't feel like he's been flexible at all.

 

I don't know what else to say now.

[78Celia]

It should be noted I am in intensive outpatient therapy for OCPD (obsessive compulsive personality disorder) which may have contributed to a lot of our early problems, but since therapy I weigh everything I say. I think before reacting. I practice allowing imperfection, it's difficult but it is part of my therapy. He knows and understands this condition, but I don't think he gives me enough credit for the strides I've made.

[Mr. Lucky]

It should be noted I am in intensive outpatient therapy for OCPD (obsessive compulsive personality disorder) which may have contributed to a lot of our early problems, but since therapy I weigh everything I say. I think before reacting. I practice allowing imperfection, it's difficult but it is part of my therapy. He knows and understands this condition, but I don't think he gives me enough credit for the strides I've made.

Your focus should be on your recovery and progress towards health and happiness. Everything else should go on the back burner for the simple reason that otherwise leaves you unable to participate in this or any other relationship.

 

I'd put your marriage and reconciliation on hold, a concept it sounds like your husband should be familiar with...

 

Mr. Lucky

[78Celia]

Now for the biggest challenge. We're "working on things," but he still doesn't want to even talk on the phone - much less see me. I mean - do I actually tell him anything of import via text or e-mail? I mean, that's how he told me he wanted it over with. That's how he came back and said he wanted to work on it. Who does that?? Who just doesn't want to talk?

[anika99]

Did his former wife ever learn of your affair with her husband and did that have any bearing on his divorce?

[78Celia]

Did his former wife ever learn of your affair with her husband and did that have any bearing on his divorce?

 

No. I know she didn't know. And I wasn't the impetus for their divorce. I stopped even communicating with him once I realized they weren't divorcing. I found out after we were married that she was extremely ill. Schizophrenia. I will never stop feeling guilty about that.

[78Celia]

Well update. I tried to talk to him. He told me forget it he doesn't want to be with me. I didn't even have to talk about the other guy. He refuses, for whatever crazy reason he may have, to file for divorce. We have no shared property, debts, or children. So i filed pro se today. I guess i can get off the marriage forum.

[Clay]

Sounds like a very sad mess. I wish you the best. I do agree about the sleeping with someone while your still married. Its never a good thing.

 

Hope all goes well on the divorce.

[CC12]

Well update. I tried to talk to him. He told me forget it he doesn't want to be with me. I didn't even have to talk about the other guy. He refuses, for whatever crazy reason he may have, to file for divorce. We have no shared property, debts, or children. So i filed pro se today. I guess i can get off the marriage forum.

 

I'm sorry that it's not working, but I think you're doing the right thing by filing. Once you've been out of this mess for a bit, your entire mindset is going to change and you'll wonder why you spent so much time and effort trying to make this work. You're going to be okay.

 

 

P.S. I "liked" your post, not because of your situation, but because it's always nice when OPs update their threads and don't just post a question then disappear forever. Thanks.