Addison312 Posted August 15, 2014 Share Posted August 15, 2014 Last night after my 12 hour shift, my boyfriend of 1.5 years picked an argument with me. We hadn't had a fight for about a month but it seems like he feels that he needs to blow up and let his stress out which results in a 5 hour long ordeal where I'm exhausted, begging him to stop, and he just escalates and tells me everything I've been doing that isn't up to par for him. In return I become quite angry. Last night he said he is sexually, emotionally, and physically bored with me and when I told him it was one of the most hurtful things anyone has ever said to me, he didn't get it. He said "hard truths" always hurt my feelings but he says I need to hear them anyway or else things won't change. Am I just being too sensitive? He also says I was selfish when I made dinner two nights ago because he had asked for a baked potato but I made mashed because it was 90 degrees and I didn't want to use the oven. I feel he makes mountains out of molehills and now he's questioning whether he wants to marry someone like me, he says. How much can someone actually change for their partner? I am very good to him and a loving girlfriend. We are both early 30s. Is this mean behavior? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Addison312 Posted August 15, 2014 Author Share Posted August 15, 2014 Also, is it selfish of me to ask to end a argument and return to it the following day? I got up at 5:30 am yesterday and we were up until about 1am arguing....at which point I told him enough and he said since I do not care about our relationship enough to finish the argument, he doesn't want to be with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Addison312 Posted August 15, 2014 Author Share Posted August 15, 2014 I do see it as mean behavior....I guess I just wanted to see if I'm being too sensitive or maybe if some of the things he says are me being selfish are actually selfish. Am I overreacting that his "bored" statement was really hurtful? He says he wouldn't be hurt if someone told him that. He would just wonder what changes he could make in the relationship to un-bore his partner. I'm just confused and feel this may be emotional abuse. We argue every 2-4 weeks...and it never is less than 2 hours in length. He rehashes old arguments and it's such a stressful time for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Addison312 Posted August 15, 2014 Author Share Posted August 15, 2014 He started out by saying that he's been thinking whether he should propose and all of these issues he has with our relationship are holding him back. Also he is super stressed over his work and may need to change locales. He's been wondering if it's fair to ask me to uproot my life for him when it has the possibility of not working out. It's funny because lately my confidence in the relationship has gone up while his has gone down and he has been questioning everything. I don't think it's fair to myself to be with someone who is on-the-fence as much as he is. Meanwhile he blames his wishy-washiness on the fact that he's a Pisces and that's just how he is with everything and it'll never change. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Addison312 Posted August 15, 2014 Author Share Posted August 15, 2014 Yes, we have discussed children. I am 33. (Also am a nurse.) Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted August 15, 2014 Share Posted August 15, 2014 It is indeed a mean statement and something that would make my blood boil. You simply do not say things like that to your partner and if he means it then you guys are certainly not compatible. He can't even see why that would be hurtful... You say that you are a good gf, but is HE a good bf? Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted August 15, 2014 Share Posted August 15, 2014 Meanwhile he blames his wishy-washiness on the fact that he's a Pisces and that's just how he is with everything and it'll never change. -_-. So he's mean AND stupid. What do you like about him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lernaean_Hydra Posted August 15, 2014 Share Posted August 15, 2014 Uh...yeah, your boyfriend is a jerk who is at BEST emotionally manipulative at worse, abusive. I'm not one of those people who likes to tell everyone in a bad situation to "end it" because some things definitely can be worked out but in your case, well that doesn't seem very plausible. Setting aside the original question(s) you posed in your OP, I have some questions of my own. Why are you okay with your boyfriend intentionally and OBVIOUSLY picking fights with you to 'let off steam'? Why are you so willing to be his verbal punching bag? And while he's so busy letting YOU know all the ways in which you have failed in the relationship recently are you just sitting there waiting for his tirade to end or actually saying something in return? Anyway getting back to your question, no. No you are not being too sensitive. Your boyfriend has just told you in no uncertain terms that he is bored with every single aspect of not just the relationship, but your entire being itself. You're right, that is hurtful, in fact it's one of the most hurtful things a partner can say and only the most sadistic would say it and have no remorse for doing so in the end. So, why are you staying with him? And please don't come back with how he's so nice when he's not upset or how otherwise, (apart from his verbal abuse and tirades) he's such a great boyfriend in every way or some other such nonsense because that isn't entirely true. I believe the bad far outweighs the good here. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Appreciate Posted August 15, 2014 Share Posted August 15, 2014 Do you need even to ask if it's mean? YES, it's mean. You should be in a relationship with someone who cares for you. This man does care for you and he's an A-hole. Break up with him and don't let him ever try to win you back. This is not one of those "downs" in an "ups and downs" thing. This is him being abusive. Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted August 15, 2014 Share Posted August 15, 2014 He's readying himself for a breakup, trying to make it so bad between you that either a) he doesn't feel guilty for ending something so dysfunctional or b) you end it for him. The talk about moving away and it not being fair to ask you to uproot your life is the kicker, for me, it's the key. He wants to move away alone and pretend that it's because he doesn't want to put you through a difficult move. It's actually because he wants the relationship to end and to move without you and is struggling to just tell you straight. He doesn't seem to like you, let alone love you. I think if somebody treated me like this or I had a relationship with so many massive arguments so frequently I would have been gone a long time ago. What's keeping you there? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 15, 2014 Share Posted August 15, 2014 He wants to move away alone and pretend that it's because he doesn't want to put you through a difficult move. It's actually because he wants the relationship to end and to move without you and is struggling to just tell you straight. He doesn't seem to like you, let alone love you. I think if somebody treated me like this or I had a relationship with so many massive arguments so frequently I would have been gone a long time ago. What's keeping you there? I don't know if all this is true though I can certainly see how ATU and other posters arrive at these conclusions. Look at it this way. Asking whether or not he's mean isn't the same as saying he's kind. Asking whether or not he's leaving isn't the same as stating he's committed. Rather than asking our opinion of his behavior, why aren't you asking yourself whether, at age 33, this is the type of man you want to marry and have children with ??? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 15, 2014 Share Posted August 15, 2014 Wake up, woman. He's an emotionally and verbally abusive jerk and not in love with you. What more is there to know? Get out now. Link to post Share on other sites
dogeared Posted August 15, 2014 Share Posted August 15, 2014 Um this is emotional abuse. Leave now. Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 Also, is it selfish of me to ask to end a argument and return to it the following day? I got up at 5:30 am yesterday and we were up until about 1am arguing....at which point I told him enough and he said since I do not care about our relationship enough to finish the argument, he doesn't want to be with me. No, it's not selfish at all to ask to pause an argument. What is selfish is to continue an argument with someone when they clearly don't want to participate any longer, and then accuse them of not caring when they want to stop. We argue every 2-4 weeks...and it never is less than 2 hours in length. I just want you to know that this is not at all normal or healthy. I cannot imagine how horrible and exhausting it would be to argue for hours. A huge part of being a good partner is to know how to "argue" and how to express your frustrations in a healthy way. It seems he doesn't know (or care about) how to communicate his frustrations without being hurtful. There are much nicer ways to tell your partner that you're "bored" with them. A loving person wouldn't reply "truth hurts" when their partner tells them they're hurt. It seems that he's trying to hurt you. I don't know if he's doing it because he wants to break up, or if he just can't help himself. Either way, it's not good. You should not put up with his treatment of you. Link to post Share on other sites
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