unodos1011 Posted August 14, 2014 Share Posted August 14, 2014 This is a somewhat confusing story I guess, but I'll try to give shortcuts. The last time I was on LS I had just found out that my DH was having an affair with my friend. I hadn't learned the full extent of it yet, but it turned out to be a 7 month PA with 2 DDays and lots of gaslighting. We've worked through a lot of it, I feel like I did most of the hard work as he was very angry and defensiveness that defined the first 2 years, but we're in a better place. Sort of. We've moved away, and my circle of friends is much smaller. Only 2 close friends to be exact. Well, the husband is home drinking, and my best friend since HS is hanging out with her kids. He begins to be very inappropriate, he's saying "adult" things in front of her 9 year old daughter, asking my friend about her sex life, commenting on and touching her breasts. It just becomes really uncomfortable. She knows our history and she laughed it off but she made a comment to him about not wanting to upset me. We had dinner plans and she offered to watch our 3 small kids while we went out. When we left, I was annoyed because I didn't want to deal with a drunk, and I told him that he needed to knock it off because he was making everyone uncomfortable. I made sure that I said I wasn't mad, he just needed to stop. His reply was "do you think she wants me"? Then he passes out until we get to the restaurant. We were meeting his parents actually so it wasn't something that I could just call and cancel. It's hard to explain that his actions didn't really bother me, as much as the reaction I got when I brought it up, and the extreme double standard. I've never acted like this with his friends. ever. Someone told him a story about someone else they knew (swinging), and he woke up in the middle of the night visibly shaking so hard that he couldn't even use the bathroom. He kept saying he didn't want to share me, this was out of nowhere. He went to the bathroom and got into the shower and I came in and held him all night long, trying to calm him down. He constantly talks about how he can't stand the thought of another man touching me, he puts me down for people I've been with in my past. I can't be friends with any guys on facebook, I was in the military and it was always a fight if I texted ANYTHING to anyone, even though my phone was there for him to look at any time he wanted. I'm so angry that I have so many "rules" but then he acts the way he did towards my friend after what we've been through. He has no idea the hell I've been through and then he gets angry at me for even bringing his actions to his attention. When I tell him how he acted he denied it, even though he was so drunk that he doesn't remember. He says to me "well now you've made me feel awkward". It's so frustrating because I didn't make him feel any way, he did that himself with his drinking and his actions. When I try to bring it up to talk about it I get anger in return. I just needed to vent because I feel like I have no one to talk to about it. Ideas of how to approach a person like this would be appreciated as I don't have a clue. I've always been strong headed and I don't meekly take his crap, but I just feel like I've outgrown this silly stuff and I want a partner that I can talk to, not battle with. I also feel very stuck as I am a SAHM with very small children, and I'm just not ready to give up...it's just very, very frustrating. Thanks for listening Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted August 14, 2014 Share Posted August 14, 2014 He's using psychological projection to control you. He's a cheater, so he expects that everyone has the same character defects that he does. Since he's unwilling to punish himself for his actions, he punishes you indirectly for them. It's the ultimate form of manipulation. He commits the crime, but you have to do the time. Do you really think this is going to get any better? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 15, 2014 Share Posted August 15, 2014 It's hard to explain that his actions didn't really bother me, as much as the reaction I got when I brought it up, and the extreme double standard. What :eek: ??? Unodos, I have to ask what does bother you? If groping your BF and pawing her breasts in front of her 9 year old daughter doesn't cross the line, what behavior does? IMHO, you're totally focused on the wrong thing. If his affair was strike one, this display and his reaction afterwards should be two and three. Why would you put up with this ? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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