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Husband and boundaries


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So we tried working on things in our marriage. He admits to avoiding talking with me about anything serious because it makes him uncomfortable. We basically are unable to get through our issues because of his avoidance tendencies.

 

Went to one marriage counseling session and haven't been back because of his workaholic ways.

 

One of the issues he has with me is that I call/text him too much. He wants me to leave him alone unless it's an emergency because he's trying to focus on work.

 

For the past few months I have done that and barely talk/text him unless he initiates it.

 

This past month or so he had his Assistant Store Manager quit because of some family drama and she moved away. Ever since then she has called him for advice about her Marriage/divorce and sometimes chitchat about work stuff. Usually the work convo is about how things are going for her at her new workplace.

 

He considers a close friend, even though, he didn't say anything like this about her until after they were no longer coworkers. He likes helping people with their problems and giving advice but can not handle one serious conversation with me without shutting down.

 

As of late, she and he are texting quite often. I am allowed to see such conversations but he also seems nervous about it because he thinks I'm looking for something. I just want to know what is so important to talk about that takes up a whole day.

 

I tried calling him today at work to let him know that I am on my way to the doctors office in case he tried to call. His phone went straight to VM and so I called his workplace. He tells me he is on the phone with someone and tells me its her when I ask. Then he said " yeah she needed to tell me about something". I told him I would let him go back to his phone call. I call 15 min later and he's still talking to her.

 

Now, I have nothing against her and don't think anything is going on but I have an issue with the increased frequency of this.

 

Yesterday was his one day off he gets per week. He spent several hours talking/texting her about bs. He said he doesn't understand why I am upset because he still went places with me even though he was texting her the whole time.

 

The main reason I told him I am upset about it is because she is allowed to text/call him anytime when I am not allowed to text/call him unless he isn't working.

 

Now he says I can call/text him anytime but I can't talk about stuff involving us or him.

 

I have told him why this bothers me till I'm blue in the face but he says I'm disrespecting him by being upset because he's not messing around (I've never accused him of this).

 

I most likely will be moving out this weekend. This kind of thing has happened before but the difference is that he hide it from me and would delete messages.

 

Is it a lost cause to get him to understand me?

Edited by winterpast
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Well, since he doesn't see that the way he's participating with her is causing you pain - I'm left thinking he doesn't intend to change.

 

And since he's not planning to change - you have a H that isn't invested in your M.

 

Since he makes HER his priority - it may be an emotional affair with her.

 

I don't blame you for wanting a better partner than someone who's distant and distracted.

 

Make decision in YOUR best interest.

 

 

I think he checked out long ago.

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He says that's why he doesn't have a problem talking to her about her personal problems is because it won't effect him. He doesn't really care if his advice is right or wrong for other people. But he lives with me and can't handle serious with me because he has to live with the circumstances.

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I think you should talk to him with the expectation that things will change and then be ready to leave if it doesnt. That is what i would do but that is me.

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I'm sorry but his actions are unacceptable to me. His mind is mentally with her while he's physically with you. It sounds like nothing is going on, but if I did this to my husband, it would also be unacceptable.

 

I hope I didn't upset you, those are just my feelings.

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I'm sorry but his actions are unacceptable to me. His mind is mentally with her while he's physically with you. It sounds like nothing is going on, but if I did this to my husband, it would also be unacceptable.

 

I hope I didn't upset you, those are just my feelings.

 

No, you don't upset me. I agree that this is completely unacceptable. I went through this once before for a 4 month period with him and will not do it again. The last time started like this before he got secretive about it.

 

The funny thing is, when I asked him how he would feel if it was the other way around, he said he understands my point of view and wouldn't like it if I did it. But he still insists that there is nothing wrong with it if he is:

 

1. Not hiding it.

2. Not cheating

 

His compromise is to allow me to talk to him more but not to cut back on his contact with her because that's his friend.

 

Last time we went through this he would stop talking to the girl but would text and then say "you said not to talk to her not that I couldn't text". Then when I told him no contact through phone/text/computer, he would talk to her through Xbox live. The reason was the same "You said nothing about talking through this".

 

I realize now that it was just a game, trying to find a flaw or loop hole that justified what he did.

 

I can't believe I was fooled into thinking he would be a better man.

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I think he's being a complete jerk.

 

He won't pay attention to you, is controlling yet he wants to act like it's ok to spend all his time and energy focused on another woman instead of paying attention to his wife?

 

NO WAY!!! I don't know ONE single wife that would be ok with that!

 

He's just so intent on being a jerk to you. I wouldn't want to live that way.

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I think he's being a complete jerk.

 

He won't pay attention to you, is controlling yet he wants to act like it's ok to spend all his time and energy focused on another woman instead of paying attention to his wife?

 

NO WAY!!! I don't know ONE single wife that would be ok with that!

 

He's just so intent on being a jerk to you. I wouldn't want to live that way.

 

 

Honestly, it's like he's making it his life mission to be a bigger jerk just because I have a complaint.

 

I'm not living like this anymore.

 

He thinks it's my job to inspire happiness in him. I've changed everything he's asked of me. The only thing that is making him miserable now is just the existence of me. I can only change so much. It's not my job to make him want to be with me.

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I'm sorry he's being this way. I can't see that you're doing anything wrong.

 

You're not asking for anything unreasonable. Most husbands would appreciate a wife that wanted to talk to them and be with them.

 

But since it looks so one sides and all his energy goes to her - it not right to live such an unbalanced life within a marriage.

 

He's acting like she is his wife - and it does make me wonder if they've had an affair. Heck, who wouldn't wonder?

 

But affairs come in many facets - and at the minimum he is too emotionally invested in her - and it leaves no room for you.

 

If he expects you to live basically alone - you may as well be on your own.

 

He's been sneaky and justifies his bad behavior - that doesn't look like a man who's considering your feelings, much less a man who intends to change.

 

And if it's not changing there's no sense in staying just to be miserable.

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He wants to talk this out and convince me that he's right and I'm wrong.

He's saying that he lives with me and comes home to me.

 

He's saying that I'm trying to keep him from having friends and basically that I am controlling. He thinks I'm asking him to not talk to anyone. at. all.

 

I'm saying that I just want him to show me the same attention that everyone else seems to have.

 

He's saying that I mad him distraught at work and now he may get fired because of his anger.

 

 

He keeps saying that he's not putting more energy into her because he doesn't care if she takes his advice or not and whether or not it helps her.

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I'm sorry he's being this way. I can't see that you're doing anything wrong.

 

You're not asking for anything unreasonable. Most husbands would appreciate a wife that wanted to talk to them and be with them.

 

But since it looks so one sides and all his energy goes to her - it not right to live such an unbalanced life within a marriage.

 

He's acting like she is his wife - and it does make me wonder if they've had an affair. Heck, who wouldn't wonder?

 

But affairs come in many facets - and at the minimum he is too emotionally invested in her - and it leaves no room for you.

 

If he expects you to live basically alone - you may as well be on your own.

 

He's been sneaky and justifies his bad behavior - that doesn't look like a man who's considering your feelings, much less a man who intends to change.

 

And if it's not changing there's no sense in staying just to be miserable.

 

I just don't see why he doesn't get any of this. He says HE wouldn't like this done to him but he doesn't see why I'm upset at why he does it. Sounds narcissistic to me.

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It does, doesn't it?

 

He knows exactly what he's doing and he knows he hurts you - yet he's not changing. That's a problem.

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He's now saying that if I want him to spend his time on me and family then I'm not allowed to use the computer, tv or speak to my mother or best friend (I don't talk to her much but have in the last two days because she is in the hospital) when he is home.

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He's now saying that if I want him to spend his time on me and family then I'm not allowed to use the computer, tv or speak to my mother or best friend (I don't talk to her much but have in the last two days because she is in the hospital) when he is home.

 

 

Wasn't 100% sure from your previous posts where exactly the problem was, as hearing one side is sometimes pretty jaded. However, with this post.....it's time for you to think if you want to remain in this controlling, abusive relationship.

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He's now saying that if I want him to spend his time on me and family then I'm not allowed to use the computer, tv or speak to my mother or best friend (I don't talk to her much but have in the last two days because she is in the hospital) when he is home.

 

That's just not right!

 

And he's just not being reasonable.

 

And I notice he didn't offer to make you a priority and cut off communicating with his OW. He deflecting - to make it seem like you're to blame.

 

Since he's not seeing his participation as what's hurting the M - it's time to think about not having him around.

 

His solution is NOT RIGHT!!!

 

He just keeps becoming an even bigger jerk.

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It's tough trying to reason with crazy.

 

He just isn't seeing that the way he participates is causing the harm.

 

And since he's not taking responsibility for his actions ( and inaction with you) nothing will change.

 

If he still wants to spend all his energy listening to his OW's woes = then he can have at it!

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