50/50ish Split Financial Marriage

[RonChalant]

Girlfriend keeps making slick comments about how I feel that a marriage should be split for the most part 50/50 when it comes to shared finances is "not traditional" or "not the way it should be" and it passes me off. Why wouldn't shared expenses like rent, gas/electricity, groceries, etc. be split, and other thing depend on the situation?

 

She compares how I feel to how he friends marriage is set up where they each take care of specific bill, but at the end of the day isn't that still 50/50 if they are deciding who gets what bills unless someone is paying 10 bills and the other person 2 or 3 bills...sound stupid to me.

 

Of course thing won't ALWAYS be 50/50 due to how certain situations play out, but that's how if feel thing should be when possible, is that a "nontraditional" way of thinking?

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't think many couples anymore dump both incomes into a shared account from which bills and all other expenses are paid. So from there (like most other things in a marriage :-), it becomes a discussion and some give and take from both sides.

 

Is she implying you should pay for everything?

 

Mr. Lucky

[newmoon]

well, traditionally men supported women, right? so yeah, it's non traditional and old fashioned to want a woman to split. but given how society has progressed since those eras it's not expected anymore for the man to carry the full weight. lots of couples go 50/50, some divide it other ways, and some stay traditional. it's whatever works for the couple.

[Smilecharmer]

We have a joint account in which we split everything as we make almost the same amount of money. If you feel like she is expecting you to foot the bills, you need to call off the engagement because you aren't compatible. A couple needs to agree on all financial matters before marriage as many divorces are caused by a different expectation for money. Can you ask her exactly what she wants? Also, do you earn more so she thinks she should pay less due to that?

I think there is no right or wrong way here, but what the couple decides is best for them. You two need to work this out before the wedding.

[iiiii]

You'll need to ask her exactly what she thinks is traditional.

 

It could mean that she expects you to always pay for her, because she is female (which is obviously a big red flag, unless she is going to stay home and raise the kids and do all the household chores in return).

 

Or it could just mean that she expects you both to pool your money and hold it in common, and negotiate a budget for how you spend that common financial pool. I wouldn't call that a red flag at all - just a different expectation. If she has been generous and giving so far in the relationship, it's quite possible that this what she expects from a marriage - and she might think your proposal is quite petty.

 

You'll need to talk this through before marriage.

[bathtub-row]

This is a serious issue and the two of you need to get it ironed out BEFORE you marry. If you don't, she will become resentful and your marriage will fall apart over something like this.

 

Her comments indicate that she's already resentful of how she thinks you'll treat her once you're married. I'd suggest that you find out how she thinks she'll be treated, how she wants to be treated, and then let her know what she can expect from you. If you can't be the man for her that she needs, then don't try to convince her that she's wrong. Just decide that you're not right for each other and save yourselves from a miserable marriage or the divorce courts.

 

What most women want to know about the guy she loves is if he's going to offer her and her children security to the best of his ability. When you start splitting things and deciding who will do what, it makes a lot of women feel very unloved and insecure on a very deep level. I know that comment will piss off a lot of people and I'm sure I'll hear about it. But it's a fact that keeps rearing it's head over and over again. Fight it, ignore it, debate it. It'll still be there when you're done.

[Astrolink]

I'll just add this: studies show that the #1 most important thing to women in marriage is security....which really means your earnings. Many believe in equality of expenses, but many don't. I run like heck from anyone that doesn't believe in equality.

[dogeared]

It sounds like you two are talking about exactly the same thing, so I don't understand what the problem is.

 

Is it that you want to have a joint checking account to pay bills and she does not?

[Got it]

Ahhh, welcome to a major hot spot in a marriage! Finances.

 

I would sit down with her and ask her what exactly she means. Put it down on paper.

 

My first husband and I kept separate accounts and paid separate bills. I am remarried and we have everything combined and then each person has a separate account (with the other having access to it) that has misc. monies.

 

But we combine our income to pay the bills. I agree that security is very important and so we have a financial plan in place on what gets paid and spent and what gets saved. From past experiences, we decided to have complete transparency with our funds and expenditures. With full bonuses he makes just a little under me.

 

Work as a team to figure out the best scenario for you two.

[d0nnivain]

I suppose the women's fear of a 50-50 financial split in a marriage comes from children. She will have to take some time off when you have kids. What happens during those months when she can't earn money to split the bills? What if she wants to be a SAHM rather than have your children raised by day care strangers? If she doesn't have an income, then what?

[MissBee]

It doesn't matter what we think...

 

If you and your gf are thinking of marriage it only matters that you all agree or come to a compromise.

 

It's not like going to her with LS's opinions will change anything.

 

People do their marriages in a way that works for them. The way I would set up my marriage may not be the way for someone else to do so.

 

I don't think 50/50 is literal, like we have to match the amounts of money spent, as chances are someone will make more. But I think things should be shared. How a couple chooses to share is their preference. Some do percentages, some split certain bills, some do literal half and half and some one person handles paying for everything. It is about what works for you both, regardless of if it is traditional or not.

[Astrolink]

I suppose the women's fear of a 50-50 financial split in a marriage comes from children. She will have to take some time off when you have kids. What happens during those months when she can't earn money to split the bills? What if she wants to be a SAHM rather than have your children raised by day care strangers? If she doesn't have an income, then what?

 

 

Because of divorce law, I would never marry someone who wanted to be a SAHP. It guarantees during divorce that you become a 4 overnight a month visitor to your child(ren), have to pay support because of losing them, and if you've been married any length of time, just about guaranteed to pay alimony.....and with no-fault divorce law, if your spouse is a lazy, do nothing deadbeat that cheats on you.....the result is the same...you are in financial servitude to them. No Thanks!

[todreaminblue]

i believe that am marriage should be harmonious i believe you walk in to a relationship and when you walk out you walk out the same way......if you walk out which you shouldnt.....i think every partner should feel responsible for the well running of a house....as far as security goes......looking at a marriage ending which is quite horrible to put first before one even starts.....money does not provide security ...because money is a commodity.....ti can be lost as quickly as it is found....personal security i have is knowing ill make it either lost or found with money ill fidn my way.....i look deeper than cash.....you can take it with you there are no pockets in shrouds i find that strangely comforting..i wouldnt fight over money......over food maybe tim tams in particular.......deb

[carhill]

OP, since this is all fairly new, IMO use the discourse to solidify your relationship financial style and also your style of communicating it and take things as they come in this 'getting to know' period. If things work out, they do; if not, not.

 

In practice, having been married and each of us having separate businesses, I came to accept that each couple's 'style' of finance is unique to their own M. What worked for friends, our parents, siblings, etc, might not work for us, or vice-versa. Become clear about what works for you and your girlfriend or potential spouse. Go with that. Good luck!

 

FWIW, my exW and I kept our finances separate and addressed 'bills'. Originally, that was my exW's idea. I saw nothing adverse so went with it.

[shermanator]

My wife and I dump everything into one checking account and I pay the bills. She knows, generally, how much we have coming in and going out and she has access if she ever wants to look at our bank statements... if she wants to buy something, she does. If I want to buy something, I do. We both have retirement accounts from our employers.

[dichotomy]

In my LTR or Marriages - I have always felt "to each according to their ability".... that is joint bills for living were dived up according to how much money was made for the home. So if the combined income for us was $100,000, with me making 60,000 and her 40,000 then she paid 40% of the joint bills and I paid 60%. When for justifiable reasons, a partner had no income, I picked up 100%. Other wise we kept out of each others finances.