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Okay, so I have a husband that uses porn everyday for at least 30 minutes a session and usually 2 sessions.

 

He usually searches for the same porn stars or same type.

I have noticed in public that when he sees someone (a waitress, etc) he will zone out and almost become zombie like. I assume he is fantasizing. I've even had to snap him out of it, which I hate to do, because snapping is so disrespectful for a wife to do to her husband.

 

 

How often do you use porn?

Do you usually search for the same stars or genres?

If so, do you ever encounter real life situations with a look alike that will make you zone out?

Or do you not think about the similarities if there happens to be one?

Also, the women that he watches in porn are very natural beauties, not fantasy types so to speak - but they look nothing like me. I am beautiful too, but not the same as he watches, should I be concerned that he's not attracted to me in the hot lustful way he is for these porn stars? Our sex life could be a lot better as far as I'm concerned.

 

Thank you in advance for your replies. I'm trying to understand my husbands behavior.

 

Anytime I've ever said anything to him about zoning out, he gets seriously defensive, and I'm not even bringing up the similarities.

Edited by 15yearsin
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Our sex life could be a lot better as far as I'm concerned.

Think you're asking the wrong questions. If your sex life is subpar, why is he using - and I'm assuming jerking off to - porn twice a day?

 

Are you approachable? Have you asked him directly to send his sexual energy your way? These points would be at the top of my list rather than wondering what hair color his fantasy babe has. Some things missing from your post...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Okay, so I have a husband that uses porn everyday for at least 30 minutes a session and usually 2 sessions.

 

That is a hell of a lot of porn for a married guy. If you don't mind me asking, how many times a week do you have sex? Does he ever turn you down?

He usually searches for the same porn stars or same type.

I have noticed in public that when he sees someone (a waitress, etc) he will zone out and almost become zombie like. I assume he is fantasizing. I've even had to snap him out of it, which I hate to do, because snapping is so disrespectful for a wife to do to her husband.

 

That's just weird.

 

How often do you use porn?

2-3 times a day on average. Granted I'm single right now. I would never use porn the same day that I see my girl.

 

Do you usually search for the same stars or genres?

 

Yup.

 

If so, do you ever encounter real life situations with a look alike that will make you zone out?

 

I never zone out unless I come across a woman with huge breasts and lots of cleavage :o

 

But that doesn't have anything to do with porn.

 

Also, the women that he watches in porn are very natural beauties, not fantasy types so to speak - but they look nothing like me. I am beautiful too, but not the same as he watches, should I be concerned that he's not attracted to me in the hot lustful way he is for these porn stars? Our sex life could be a lot better as far as I'm concerned.

 

It may be an issue if the amount of sex he has with you is very limited.

 

For example, if you are white and blond, and he looks at porn that is nothing but Asian girls, and he never has sex with you; that's probably a sign that you're not his type.

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I have definitely always been there and approachable with him. He has turned me down before because he'll say it's not appropriate now because he's working on a spreadsheet or something. I've bought sexy teddies and he hated them. Told me to throw them away. I'm really just starting to feel like I'm not his type. I know he likes 2 certain types of girls that I've seen, mainly young sweet looking girls to grannies. It doesn't even matter what I look like, Im neither of what he gets off to. The only similarities is that we are all Caucasian.

 

I've tried telling him what I want and all he can tell me is what he wants more of (tits) which are my average sized b/c tits. I'm 5'8" 160 lbs. maybe that's the problem. My breasts aren't big enough, but look small on my body frame as compared to the porn stars. He has totally zoned out on me on 3 occasions that I've noticed in the last 6 months.

 

He mostly searches for granny porn, but is this so he doesn't feel do guty about looking at beautiful women? Since about 5% of the time it is beautiful women he searches for. I've told him I'm considering a boob job and he totally against it.

 

I'm just do confused as to why he's doing and acting like this. I can't imagine that he even loves me when I type this all out like I am and see it foryself in writing. What gives?

 

Oh, and I totally want sex all the time. I've told him this, told him I wNt it in the kitchen, bathroom, I'd like him to surprise me sometimes. Aggressively, but that's a no go with him. 2 years ago when I was 38, I told him I was needing more because I going through the 40 surge of hormones and all he cared about were his needs. Do women really have to beg and beg for the sex they want? This is not normal I should think.

Sorry, I think my frustrations are coming out here.

 

Thanks for all your input. Since I told him I know about his watching porn, which he denies, he's asked that I live in our other 2nd home. So I'm a bit frustrated with the whole thing.

 

Sorry for any typos, I'm on a mobile device at our other home with no wifi.

Edited by 15yearsin
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How often do you use porn?

 

As described generally, meaning sexual content for the stimulation of desire, very rarely anymore. While married, it was mainly either research (BDSM) or escape (from marital issues) and probably a couple times a week.

Do you usually search for the same stars or genres?

 

Generally, no, but I was a Playboy subscriber for about 20 years (while single) so perhaps that was one 'genre' of porn I dabbled in consistently. I didn't subscribe just for the articles ;)

If so, do you ever encounter real life situations with a look alike that will make you zone out?

 

I don't ever recall doing that while married, nor did I generally have eyes for anyone else in public other than my wife.

Or do you not think about the similarities if there happens to be one?

 

When encountering dopplegangers, whether they be 'familiar' due to some porn similarity or perhaps that of a celebrity (my exW was visually similar to Eddie Van Halen's exW, as example), it was more a brain puzzle or curiosity than fantasy.

Also, the women that he watches in porn are very natural beauties, not fantasy types so to speak - but they look nothing like me.

 

TBH, my history is all over the place. There have been grandmas who had that certain 'aura' that was, well, simply hot. Heck, I dated one for awhile. Your H may have a 'type', which isn't uncommon in men. I'm not wired that way so perhaps am outlier.

 

I am beautiful too, but not the same as he watches, should I be concerned that he's not attracted to me in the hot lustful way he is for these porn stars? Our sex life could be a lot better as far as I'm concerned.

 

Beauty is nice for fantasy but the nuts and bolts of emotional bonding and mutual love and respect go a long ways to cement relations in the real. In the latter, physical beauty becomes a part of the 'package' of stuff, and the love and emotional bonding can enhance one's perception of it. I noted that aspect at work while married.

 

IMO, if this issue is inhibiting the maintenance of a healthy marriage, it bears scrutiny. Your H may not have an issue with his behavior but you do. The marriage has a problem. If you and he can't or won't communicate to address it, perhaps engage a neutral third part to do so. If you need or want help balancing the sexual side of things, perhaps a therapist who specializes in matters sexual could be of assistance. DIY works good for some marital stuff, and is surely worth trying, but there are times getting some professional help is indicated and healthy. You know your M best. Good luck!

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How often do you use porn?

Do you usually search for the same stars or genres?

If so, do you ever encounter real life situations with a look alike that will make you zone out?

Or do you not think about the similarities if there happens to be one?

Also, the women that he watches in porn are very natural beauties, not fantasy types so to speak - but they look nothing like me. I am beautiful too, but not the same as he watches, should I be concerned that he's not attracted to me in the hot lustful way he is for these porn stars? Our sex life could be a lot better as far as I'm concerned.

 

Thank you in advance for your replies. I'm trying to understand my husbands behavior.

 

Anytime I've ever said anything to him about zoning out, he gets seriously defensive, and I'm not even bringing up the similarities.

 

I came up in a different era before porn was free. At most it was a couple of times a week when I wasn't with a sex worker. With fewer "stars" and the product being sold by their name some where chosen for their performance,meaning they made it look like they enjoyed it but occasionally I tried someone new and I was exposed to different types. After all the most beautiful did not work in porn

 

As a married man I had no need, except when we were in a long distance relationship. Having lost track of the "stars" since the 80s and early 90s era is long over the search went by type and the advertised sex acts. Although today many of the straight people have taken on the looks, such as tattoos which were once the province of the outsider sex worker class.

 

Being in our 50s many women pass the looks test and cause a slight what if fantasy but that has nothing to do with porn.

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I think this is beyond a guy looking at a bit of porn for titillation. He is spending a lot of his day doing this and not looking after the needs of his wife.

 

To be honest I think he needs counselling.

 

The one thing I've learned personally and through reading posts on here is that when the sex stops in a marriage - (for whatever reason) the marriage is in trouble. Your marriage is in trouble.

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Thank you Jack, you are definitely right. I mean he acts like there's nothing wrong emotionally and if I remotely tell him I feel like we're not connecting he blames it on me and my accusations of him staging at girls and watching porn. Both of which he does but will not own up to. I really have just lost trust in him.

I don't mind if he looks at the occasional girl, but when he zones out after seeing one and isnt present with me it does become a problem.

Well I don't know how much I help he'll be responsive to, but thank you for all your responses.

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Hopefully you'll get some more feedback. Some of the posters on here offer excellent advice.

 

I think you need to take a step back and have a long hard look at your marriage. We often take marriage for granted and assume we'll be together forever drifting along. Then the alarm bells suddenly start ringing and the whole lot crashes down. Have a look at the infidelity threads. I don't think your man is but this is not healthy.

 

If he was drinking heavily, taking drugs or gambling to an extent that damaged the family you'd be concerned and would want to address the problem. This situation is no different.

 

It might be worth talking to and independent counsellor to get their feedback. But the bottom line is you are not happy with your husbands behaviour and he needs to address it. It's just how you go about it.

 

As I said there are some excellent posters on here and hopefully they can give you some good advice.

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Okay, so I have a husband that uses porn everyday for at least 30 minutes a session and usually 2 sessions.

 

This bothers me, not because of frequency but by the "systematic/chronic" nature I am getting from this statement. As if he were to miss a "session" what happens? I am alluding to an addiction but need more specifics.

 

He usually searches for the same porn stars or same type.

I have noticed in public that when he sees someone (a waitress, etc) he will zone out and almost become zombie like. I assume he is fantasizing. I've even had to snap him out of it, which I hate to do, because snapping is so disrespectful for a wife to do to her husband.

 

Ok, dig deep here and be as honest as possible, could it be that you just notice he zones out when women tend to be around (because you are on the defensive), think about if there is any other time? Zoning out could be based on many things and this could be a separate issue to look into.

 

How often do you use porn?

 

I only use it when i cannot get it in with my wife. I have no set sessions or time limits. Just a release when my wife cannot as I have a much higher libido

 

Do you usually search for the same stars or genres?

 

I search for what turns me on, so i guess yes.

 

If so, do you ever encounter real life situations with a look alike that will make you zone out?

 

No, I don't walk around looking at women to see if there is a look a like porn star and i am not sure this zoning out is related. I do however like to get ideas from porn, as with lite BDSM or unique positions, techniques and such.

 

Also, the women that he watches in porn are very natural beauties, not fantasy types so to speak - but they look nothing like me.

 

This is why a lot, a lot of women knee-jerk against porn... instant insecurity... same goes for men when their other gets a vibrator... just to throw that in as to balance things out ;)

 

My wife is latina, and i get turned on by blondes, asian, black.. what have you, it just depends on what catches my eye and they look nothing like my wife but that does not make my wife second fiddle either.

 

I am beautiful too, but not the same as he watches, should I be concerned that he's not attracted to me in the hot lustful way he is for these porn stars? Our sex life could be a lot better as far as I'm concerned.

 

I am concerned that he has an addiction... we are also just hearing one side of the story.... could you elaborate on what he says when he turns you down? When you have sex, is he limp? Can he get it up? Is he passionate with you?

 

As for porn... what happens if he cannot get his session? Has he ever missed a session? He sounds like he has an addiction with the little to go off of.

 

As for you... he probably thinks of you as the "good girl" and thus "throw that away" is indicative that you are the "angel" type in his eyes and his fantasies are darker and he does not want to merge the two. I have seen this before, and it can be dangerous because most women like the "dark side" too and it will take some work to pump that into your H's head.

 

Zoning out... i would need more information, this could be many things not related.

Edited by atreides
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leavesonautumn

My ex boyfriend had an addiction to porn. Thankfully, it didn't really affect our sex life unless he couldn't stay hard. There were a lot of times that he literally could not keep his hands off of me and there were other times that he was upset that we would be hanging out in a non-sexual setting and I'd be chilling in my underwear and a t-shirt. His brain had a weird association with sex.

 

On the other hand, he had described to me what the porn addiction was like. He suffered from depression and low self esteem so it was an escape for him in an unhealthy setting as he would feel immense guilt afterward. He had a lot of issues with sex that stemmed from his childhood and was a guy who was not interested in pursuing women for sex but to browse the internet.

 

Basically he would start a session just like any other guy, browsing, searching whatever. He didn't seek specific porn stars as he viewed his sessions as a hunt. To find the hottest, most sexually deviant videos he could find. It had nothing specifically to do with women (yes, I'm sure the majority were beautiful but that's not the point) but the act of sex itself.

 

At some point in his 20s he eventually came to a point where straight porn was not as arousing. He thought he might be gay but the gay porn didn't do anything for him. And that's when he found shemale porn.

 

Now, I understand fetish, I understand arousal. But imagine what it's like to be a woman who could never, ever fullfill this! It was an extremely tough time when I found out and I had even felt like I wasn't in love with him anymore. The only point since I've met him that I felt this way and I probably did not fully recover from it.

 

It was a struggle because our sex life did not suffer except for the time I find this out but at the same time he was obviously still struggling with something internally. He was and probably still is addicted to shemale porn and has been since his early 20s. He's now 35 and has no interest in women or dating.

 

My whole point here is that there is something happening to your husband that goes beyond porn or beautiful women. When you mentioned granny porn that's when I could tell that he is now on the hunt for more devious sexual behavior. Yes, granny porn is quite tame but it won't be enough. Nothing is ever enough.

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If he is spanking daily or even multiple times a day, of course your sexlife isn't good. He is draining the tank on his time and not leaving anything for you. He might as well be having an affair and giving all his love and attention and sexual energy to another woman.

 

This has anything to do with boobs or grannies or girls who look different. This is about a chronic, dysfunctional, compulsive behavior that is eroding the normal, natural response to a living, breathing female.

 

This is not just bad behavior or a character issue, this is an illness. It needs to be treated and corrected if he is to have a normal sexual response in real life.

 

I like my porn and I am not an anti-porn crusader, but daily porn/masturbation is not healthy for anyone.

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How often do you use porn?

Do you usually search for the same stars or genres?

If so, do you ever encounter real life situations with a look alike that will make you zone out?

 

I use porn pretty much every day. I would like sex once a day. (My fiance and I only been having sex every two weeks because of her work stress and long work days.)

I'm pretty consistent in the porn that I look at.

That hardly ever happens to me that I zone out. If I do which is rarely, I don't make it obvious. I really don't look at other women when I'm out with my fiance. It's disrespectful to her.

Edited by Soxfaninfl
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Your husband has a problem. Rude men stare at women, look for too long, turn their heads, but do not zone out. He's also using porn in an addictive way, so like any addiction it might be covering bigger issues.

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