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Husband needs surgery but is refusing......


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Marriedgirl_07

So my husband needs to have surgery open heart surgery to be exact he is young late 20's and is obviously quite scared. Because they need to go in and fix something that has been giving him problems because he was born prematurely. Anyways he needs to have this done pretty soon but has been refusing and I don't know what to do our how to reassure him. He had this deathly fear of being put under and not waking back up. What should I do? I am so terrified but I haven't shown it because I am trying to be strong for the both of us, ya know?

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You need to get him to have an open and frank discussion with his doctor and anesthesiologist about his fears of being put under.

 

I doubt there is anything you can say to assuage his fears; it needs to come from the professionals. If they can't convince him, then I'm sorry to say that you need to have the discussion with him about preparing his end-of-life directives. Perhaps the fear of dying young will scare him into taking care of himself.

 

I wouldn't plead or beg. Just accept his decisions and do the things that one shouldn't have to do until their 70s or 80s, but suggest he start doing them now: Arranging his affairs for his eventual demise.

 

I'm sorry for how hard this is going to be for you...

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whichwayisup
So my husband needs to have surgery open heart surgery to be exact he is young late 20's and is obviously quite scared. Because they need to go in and fix something that has been giving him problems because he was born prematurely. Anyways he needs to have this done pretty soon but has been refusing and I don't know what to do our how to reassure him. He had this deathly fear of being put under and not waking back up. What should I do? I am so terrified but I haven't shown it because I am trying to be strong for the both of us, ya know?

 

The Dr's need to talk to him and all of you (full family, yours and his) give him lots of love and encouragement.

 

He has a fear and to him it's very real and scary ... The thing is, if he doesn't get the surgery he can die young. The chances of him not making it due to being put out are slim to none vs not having surgery, which is a death wish.

 

I am sorry that you're going through this, it can't be easy having to be strong for the two of you and put on a happy face. You're courageous and strong.

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amaysngrace
Should I invite my family and his family for tomorrow?

 

I wouldn't invite your family but I'd invite his parents to offer him support.

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amaysngrace

Also, have you researched the procedure he's going to have? Success rates and that kind of thing?

 

If you're stressed out it's not going to help calm him any. Or yourself or your children either. Be informed and it may just help put your mind at ease a little.

 

Best of luck to all of you. It must be a very difficult time.

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Hope Shimmers

His concerns about anesthesia are valid, real, and need to be taken as such. Right now he's probably not having symptoms or problems from his cardiac disorder (I'm pretty sure I know what he needs to have done if he was born prematurely) and the fear of anesthesia is surpassing that. It's easy to be in a sort of 'denial' about what could happen in the future if he chooses not to go ahead. Right now the fear of the surgery itself is much more pressing and real.

 

Good grief... I read this above... don't tell him to get his end-of-life directives in order! That isn't going to solve this and will only make it worse at this point. That may be a priority after he makes a decision but it's not going to help him make the right one, because right now he sees himself as being at more risk from the surgery itself rather than the underlying disorder that is requiring it.

 

Get him an appointment with his doctor, PRONTO. I would also recommend bypassing the anesthesiologist and seeing if you can meet with one of the nurse anesthetists on staff. What he needs is someone to talk to him very frankly about risk versus benefits, and apparently no one has done that. I don't blame him for being scared and he should know it's perfectly acceptable to feel the way he does and have these fears and questions.

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Hope Shimmers
We have an appointment with his doctors tomorrow but I feel helpless we have two young sons.

 

Okay, I just read this. Good. It should be just him (and you too, if he wants you there). The whole family will probably just be distracting.

 

If you are there, ask specific questions about risk versus benefit, both short- and long-term.

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Note...I'm a nurse. You don't invite anyone. This is his private issue. He can invite someone if it is his desire.

 

I'm sure his doctor has talked to him. If you have permission to talk to his doctor about his personal health issues, then ask to speak to him and express your concerns.

 

An aside. If your husband is this young and otherwise healthy, all the variables are in his favor. Best to take care of issues before there is any deterioration.

Edited by Eau Claire
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Marriedgirl_07

Ok than it will just be he and I. Should things go alright and he makes a decision might find out surgery date if he decides that route.

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whichwayisup
Ok than it will just be he and I. Should things go alright and he makes a decision might find out surgery date if he decides that route.

 

For the sake of your 2 young children he has to understand that this surgery is a must! They need their father, you need your husband, his parents need their son, your parents need their son in law, etc..etc..

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OP, a good friend I went to high school with became an anesthesiologist. I asked him if your husband should be scared, and my friend's response was to joke, "Only if he has a bad anesthesiologist."

 

I guess the point of my sharing that bit with you, is that I think your husband will be a lot more relaxed about the anesthesia after he meets with his anesthesiologist to go over all the basics.

 

General anesthesia is safer than driving a car without a seat belt on.

 

I found this website that explains general anesthesia. Here's an excerpt from it. I hope that it helps.

 

is anesthesia safe

 

  • A person undergoing general anesthesia is far from being nearly dead, or in a death-like state. General anesthesia is actually very safe, and some desperately sick patients are in better condition under general anesthesia than when awake and breathing by themselves. Their vital functions, such as blood pressure, the amount of blood pumped by their hearts, etc are improved by the anesthesia, extra medicines, and extra oxygen administered by the anesthesiologist.
     
  • The anesthesiologist monitors the volume of air entering the lungs, as well as the volumes of air returning out of the lungs.
     
  • The anesthesiologist continually monitors vital signs such as the concentrations of oxygen, carbon dioxide, and anesthetic drugs breathed by the patients.
     
  • The anesthesiologist monitors the circulation, by measuring whether the heart is doing anything (electrocardiogram and pulse rate), measuring whether the pumping action of the heart generates enough pressure to cause a flow of blood through the blood vessels of the body (blood pressure), whether this flow of blood is sufficient to remove waste products (capnogram, urine production), measuring whether the flow of blood transports sufficient oxygen to the organs and tissues of the body (oxygen saturation meter).
     
  • The anesthesiologist monitors and replaces the volumes of various fluids lost during surgery as blood, urine, pus, evaporation from large open wounds, exudation of plasma from wounds or body cavities, or as swelling of wounds, making sure that the blood volume, and fluid composition of the patients' bodies is maintained at normal levels. During some major operations the blood volume of a person may need to be replaced 1-5 times.
     
  • The anesthesiologist monitors the level of consciousness by clinical observation and special measures of the brain electrical activity, such as the electroencephalogram, or a derivative of the electroencephalogram.
     
  • So people under general anesthesia are far from being nearly dead. Instead they are very much alive, although they are unconscious, unable to speak, to move, to breathe, or to respond in any way to external stimuli.

Edited by writergal
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Marriedgirl_07
OP, a good friend I went to high school with became an anesthesiologist. I asked him if your husband should be scared, and my friend's response was to joke, "Only if he has a bad anesthesiologist."

 

I guess the point of my sharing that bit with you, is that I think your husband will be a lot more relaxed about the anesthesia after he meets with his anesthesiologist to go over all the basics.

 

General anesthesia is safer than driving a car without a seat belt on.

 

I found this website that explains general anesthesia. Here's an excerpt from it. I hope that it helps.

 

is anesthesia safe

 

  • A person undergoing general anesthesia is far from being nearly dead, or in a death-like state. General anesthesia is actually very safe, and some desperately sick patients are in better condition under general anesthesia than when awake and breathing by themselves. Their vital functions, such as blood pressure, the amount of blood pumped by their hearts, etc are improved by the anesthesia, extra medicines, and extra oxygen administered by the anesthesiologist.
     
  • The anesthesiologist monitors the volume of air entering the lungs, as well as the volumes of air returning out of the lungs.
     
  • The anesthesiologist continually monitors vital signs such as the concentrations of oxygen, carbon dioxide, and anesthetic drugs breathed by the patients.
     
  • The anesthesiologist monitors the circulation, by measuring whether the heart is doing anything (electrocardiogram and pulse rate), measuring whether the pumping action of the heart generates enough pressure to cause a flow of blood through the blood vessels of the body (blood pressure), whether this flow of blood is sufficient to remove waste products (capnogram, urine production), measuring whether the flow of blood transports sufficient oxygen to the organs and tissues of the body (oxygen saturation meter).
     
  • The anesthesiologist monitors and replaces the volumes of various fluids lost during surgery as blood, urine, pus, evaporation from large open wounds, exudation of plasma from wounds or body cavities, or as swelling of wounds, making sure that the blood volume, and fluid composition of the patients' bodies is maintained at normal levels. During some major operations the blood volume of a person may need to be replaced 1-5 times.
     
  • The anesthesiologist monitors the level of consciousness by clinical observation and special measures of the brain electrical activity, such as the electroencephalogram, or a derivative of the electroencephalogram.
     
  • So people under general anesthesia are far from being nearly dead. Instead they are very much alive, although they are unconscious, unable to speak, to move, to breathe, or to respond in any way to external stimuli.

 

Thank you so much sharing this with my hubby.

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Not to worry OP. There will be several people to monitor your husband's anesthesia, separate from the team who will operate on him. My cousin was born with a hole in her heart and has had several surgeries over the years, so she's an expert at handling anesthesia. Doctors didn't think she'd live past 5 years old but today shes 35, has her own apartment and a part-time job and is very happy. Tell your husband to focus on the good he has (you, your children, friends, family) to help him relax.

 

Also, aromatherapy works well for patients before surgery. The scent of orange, in particular, is supposed to have a relaxing and calming effect. It may help your husband deal with his anxiety about going under. Orange Aromatherapy for Anxiety | NutritionFacts.org

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It will all work out, OP. Just be there for your husband as his support system. Encourage him to ask questions tomorrow, share his anxieties with the doctors, and try to cover every possible doubt or question that he has, so on the day of surgery, all he'll need is a good sniff of an orange to help him relax.

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Hope Shimmers

I am a physician. He needs to NOT read random stuff on the internet but instead talk to his physician. I'm glad you have the appointment.

 

Yeah... and forget about orange aromatherapy.

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OP do NOT downplay his fears. while for some they are irrational (think airplanes), for him they are very real. downplaying them will only cause him to tune you out.

 

i assume your doctor is NOT aware of his concerns. let him know (before your appointment). while the doctor maybe restricted in talking with you does not mean he can not listen. so call his office and leave a voice mail.

 

for him you need to have the positives be more important than the negatives. so try these: stress this is a life threatening condition, the operation will 'solve' it, the benefits far outweigh the cost and stroke his ego: "honey i need you, your kids need you, i cant think of life without you".

 

best of luck.

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He decided for the surgery even though he is still pretty frightened. Next Friday for the surgery.

 

Thanks for the update OP. Good luck with your husband's surgery. :)

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