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Outgrowing my marriage?

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Old 28th July 2014, 10:56 AM   #1
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Outgrowing my marriage?

I'm 28 and have been with my husband 8yrs, married for 2 of them, He is 36. I was never a big believer in marriage but he has always wanted the family thing, Together we have a 4yo son. Lately we are becoming easily annoyed with each other although, I feel like he doesn't trust me to some degree, i'll admit that I do talk to other guys when he is around, I talk to anyone, Im a social person, My family have a history of cheating & divorces, Which is part of why i feel like i do about marriage. We were at our friends wedding last week and it felt awkward between us, When i went to the bar i felt his eyes on me then he came after me and just put his head level with mine, told me that he loves me & kissed me. He works shifts and when im alone at home I feel as ease. Last week we had a heated argument when he asked me to drop something by his firehouse he had forgotten while rushing for work, I brought the wrong thing, He got annoyed and told me i had a two second memory, I called him an a**hole & walked away, though he was calling me back.

When he got home the fighting continued, When I confronted him about his trust issue and if he trusted me he just said "look at the rest of my family" I'd reached my limit at that point, I told him to get out, He stayed at a friends place for 2 nights. His sister told me he just lost the head alot to piss me off to get a reaction out of me because, even growing up, I was never good at showing my emotions. Im thinking of a separation, I think it might be a good break for us, I don't want to leave him but i feel awkward around him, At times I think maybe we have outgrown each other?, Our son doesn't deserve his parents acting like this. I love him but i know that our relationship is bringing him down as well as me only he never admits it, he just tells me he loves me regardless. Any advice?
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Old 28th July 2014, 1:30 PM   #2
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Originally Posted by Rayna View Post
Our son doesn't deserve his parents acting like this.
In my opinion what you son does deserve is parents that fight for their marriage, not during it.

Much of your disconnect seems to be communication based and you'd both benefit from counseling. You're awfully early is the process - and this is a fairly minor marital speed bump - to be discussing separation and divorce...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 28th July 2014, 1:52 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by Rayna View Post
I was never a big believer in marriage...

My family have a history of cheating & divorces, Which is part of why i feel like i do about marriage.
So you say you never really believed in marriage, which implies that you felt this way in the past and have now changed your views. But then you say you feel the way you do about marriage because of your family history, which implies that you're still not a big believer in marriage.

What I think is that while you may have a bad feeling about marriage in the abstract, your own marriage is what you and your partner make it. Now, I have to agree that if one person doesn't trust the other, it's not going to be a happy relationship. One person is always going to be suspicious, and the other is always going to feel accused, so to speak.

I also, however, agree with Mr. Lucky who already posted and said that you two should seek counseling, both to explore the trust thing and to learn to communicate better, even when you disagree.. It's never ok to demean each other, no matter how angry you are at each other (i.e., he shouldn't make cracks about your memory, and you shouldn't call him names).

I don't think separation is the right idea. If you already feel awkward around him, I don't quite understand how separation is going to solve the problem. It seems to me that you'll feel just as awkward, if not more, when the separation ends.
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Old 28th July 2014, 2:01 PM   #4
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Your FOO has given you a skewed vision of marriage. What you describe sounds like issues from not having good role models, expecting the worst, giving up because it's hard. You admit you build walls and don't like confrontation so ask yourself why that is. In a healthy relationship what you describe so not even a blip on the radar. Your mind intensifies his every action because you are expecting it to end poorly, and definitely expecting it to end in general. You need to talk to a professional about your beliefs stemming from your childhood and sit down with your spouse and tell him what you have told us. If you don't, you will be in a cycle like this with every man you get close to. This can be fixed and you are going to be ok.
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Old 28th July 2014, 8:51 PM   #5
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Try marriage counseling?

Holding in thoughts and not liking confrontation is not healthy. It means you'll typically side step some of the main issues. I'd encourage you to be open and embrace confrontation. Only then, will you be able to dig deep into what happened, and how you can try and fix it.
I love personalizing books for others to help improve relationships. Check it out:
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Old 28th July 2014, 10:41 PM   #6
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Don't make this more complicated than it is.

Do you enjoy his company? Do you see a positive future together? If you bared your soul would things get better?

Don't hang in there for the sake of it. Hang in there if you are optimistic about the future if you both make an effort.

I don't buy too much into role models. Those models are not your marriage. You know your husband and your husband knows you. You are both rational adults.
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Old 29th July 2014, 3:58 PM   #7
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Separation is a beneficial step towards divorcing and moving on with life.
In the absence of abuse/violence or danger, separation is a detriment to the reconciliation process.

In other words once the decision is reached to divorce or if there is abuse, separation is a beneficial step towards moving on. However if the goal is to improve the relationship separation is a big step backwards.

Is your actual reason for considering separation so you can try out some other guys for size and see if you'd rather have one of them instead?
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