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Better off, these days, not getting married?


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My father, being as old school as he was and a devoted husband, talked to me about dating and marriage and so on. My parents had no real concern (like most parents) about me finding a girlfriend or anything.

 

In fact, with the kind of divorce nightmares of the people that they knew around them, including family, had treacherous divorce/marital situations that would make one's skin crawl.

 

For a man who had been married 44 years, even he admits that one is better off not even getting married these days considering how often it happens and the nightmareish dramas that can occur.

 

Now, he wasn't completely against it, he was like, "Yeah, you might meet that special woman, so it would be good"...but his overall consensus was that one is better off not getting married....with an emphasis on "these days".

 

Anyone in agreement?

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My father, being as old school as he was and a devoted husband, talked to me about dating and marriage and so on. My parents had no real concern (like most parents) about me finding a girlfriend or anything.

 

In fact, with the kind of divorce nightmares of the people that they knew around them, including family, had treacherous divorce/marital situations that would make one's skin crawl.

 

For a man who had been married 44 years, even he admits that one is better off not even getting married these days considering how often it happens and the nightmareish dramas that can occur.

 

Now, he wasn't completely against it, he was like, "Yeah, you might meet that special woman, so it would be good"...but his overall consensus was that one is better off not getting married....with an emphasis on "these days".

 

Anyone in agreement?

 

 

 

I am 50 years old. I lived the single bachelor life until I became engaged and then married to my wife at 31 years old and have been married with a home and children since then, so I do see a couple different sides to this.

 

 

My thoughts in no particular order are -

 

 

- if someone values their independence and freedom and has no real interest in baring and raising children and has no financial need to rely and depend on someone else and feels no burning desire to have someone be exclusively committed to them or vice versa, then there is simply no practical reason to marry.

 

 

- if someone wants to multi-date and play the field and not be committed or tied down to any one particular person, then that person should not marry.

 

 

- However on the other hand, if someone does want the security and stability of an exclusive, socially and legally committed relationship and does want a safe and stable home in which to bare and raise children, then I think marriage is the legitimate choice but people need to go into prepared for bumps in the road.

 

 

- think of it like an analogy of driving a car. For people under the age of 50 or so, dying in a traffic accident is probably their highest statistical chance of premature death so we take precautions. we take driver's ed to learn how to drive a car. We learn the rules of the road. We don't drink and drive. We don't text. we keep our eyes on the road and hands at 10 and 2 oclock position of the wheel. we wear seatbelts. we maintain our vehicles and we carry insurance for when things go wrong anyway.

 

 

I think marriage is the same way. if marriage is the better option for you, learn the rules and develop the skills of marriage. and then carry insurance for when things go bad anyway. Marriage insurance is things like both parties having self-supporting educations and careers so they do not have to rely on someone else's income. It's things like maintaining your own bank accounts and investments and insurance and retirement accounts so if your spouse packs up and leaves one day or if you have to flee in the middle of the night you can get a roof over your head a meal in your belly on the lamb.

 

 

It's things having independent life skills like maintaining a household budget, cooking meals, paying bills, maintaining a home, keeping a car in running order, having a support system of friends and family etc.

 

 

Those things will not prevent a divorce, but they make it so that you can get one (or have one handed to you out of the blue) and you will still be able to carry on living a reasonably stable and healthy life.

 

 

Divorce insurance is having self-supporting, basic life skills and resources. Divorce may be inevitable for many people but the drama and chaos and the destruction that you talk about doesn't have to be.

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Marrying young & for all the wrong reasons has always been a bad idea.

 

 

I do think too many people think marriage is disposable these days but if you find somebody who takes vows seriously, I think marriage can still be a good thing. The trick is finding them.

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Hmm...

 

Funny, to me, anecdote yesterday about marriage. Friend and wife are on vacation. They go for a walk. Friend's leg (sciatica) starts bothering him and he has to sit down occasionally to let the pain subside. His wife, thinking she'll be helpful, goes back to the campground to get the truck to pick him up. It had been windy so friend had strapped one end of the trailer awning to the truck bumper.

 

We made quite a number of marriage jokes on the phone last night, all of which helped diffuse his response to yet another multi-thousand dollar 'fix' to a very expensive RV.

 

The way it'll go is I'll show up in a couple weeks, she'll light into me, the 'friend', and he'll sit back and smile. That's how it goes! Me, I'm happy. Marriage freed me from the bonds of caring. I can't even get worked up by a hot younger woman any more, even if she likes me. I worked things out that I'll only get involved with someone seriously if I want to marry them and I don't want to marry anyone. I'd rather sit back and watch the wives of others spend their retirement or pull awnings off the side of RV's with trucks. It's quite entertaining. In fact, making this post reminded me to pull my special spectator chair out of my RV so I can take it with me. Never know what action one is going to run into. Sit back, remove beer from holder and sip. Life is good.

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I am 50 years old. I lived the single bachelor life until I became engaged and then married to my wife at 31 years old and have been married with a home and children since then, so I do see a couple different sides to this.

 

 

My thoughts in no particular order are -

 

 

- if someone values their independence and freedom and has no real interest in baring and raising children and has no financial need to rely and depend on someone else and feels no burning desire to have someone be exclusively committed to them or vice versa, then there is simply no practical reason to marry.

 

 

- if someone wants to multi-date and play the field and not be committed or tied down to any one particular person, then that person should not marry.

 

 

- However on the other hand, if someone does want the security and stability of an exclusive, socially and legally committed relationship and does want a safe and stable home in which to bare and raise children, then I think marriage is the legitimate choice but people need to go into prepared for bumps in the road.

 

 

- think of it like an analogy of driving a car. For people under the age of 50 or so, dying in a traffic accident is probably their highest statistical chance of premature death so we take precautions. we take driver's ed to learn how to drive a car. We learn the rules of the road. We don't drink and drive. We don't text. we keep our eyes on the road and hands at 10 and 2 oclock position of the wheel. we wear seatbelts. we maintain our vehicles and we carry insurance for when things go wrong anyway.

 

 

I think marriage is the same way. if marriage is the better option for you, learn the rules and develop the skills of marriage. and then carry insurance for when things go bad anyway. Marriage insurance is things like both parties having self-supporting educations and careers so they do not have to rely on someone else's income. It's things like maintaining your own bank accounts and investments and insurance and retirement accounts so if your spouse packs up and leaves one day or if you have to flee in the middle of the night you can get a roof over your head a meal in your belly on the lamb.

 

 

It's things having independent life skills like maintaining a household budget, cooking meals, paying bills, maintaining a home, keeping a car in running order, having a support system of friends and family etc.

 

 

Those things will not prevent a divorce, but they make it so that you can get one (or have one handed to you out of the blue) and you will still be able to carry on living a reasonably stable and healthy life.

 

 

Divorce insurance is having self-supporting, basic life skills and resources. Divorce may be inevitable for many people but the drama and chaos and the destruction that you talk about doesn't have to be.

 

I do want to say I very much agree with everything you have stated. Very insightful, if I do say so myself. I have a question though, and in my own mind, I have wondered this prior to you stating it.

 

Do you think women becoming more independent in this day in age, women with "insurance" of their own, just decide to not marry at all, because they have the self-supporting, basic life skills and resources, whereas, our ancestors did not always have that luxury? Women who, like my grandmother, did not have education past grade 8, where my grandfather was able to further his education and go to University even. My grandmothers were both stay at home mothers, who had no education, 2 kids each and stayed home, cleaned, cooked and was the good little June Cleaver housewife. They didnt have the same options available to them I do.

 

I ask because for me, (and I am being very honest here, so please dont hate me for this...) but I did rely more on my ex financially, than I do in my life now, with my boyfriend now. I was 3 months to my wedding day when I walked away. The security that came with him, was comfortable, and I was planning on marrying him and having children. Now, I am not so sure I want that, and Im having a tough time trying to figure out whether it is because of me, the man I am dating, the idea of marriage just not being the same anymore, or the fact that I am not dependent on anyone anymore.

 

Hehe. I am also trying to figure out why its even an issue or a problem. It has been on my mind though. I think, WHY dont I care for marriage and children the same way anymore? I look at what changed... but everything changed in my life, so it is hard to pinpoint what exactly changed my mind.

 

I do know I am not ready to think about children with anyone else, nor am I all that excited about a wedding anymore. Do I value these things less, now that I am doing just fine on my own, and did I value them more then because I needed my ex more then? Would I have felt differently IN our relationship had I had more of my own "insurance?"

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Candy_Pants

Marriage is a big deal. A legally binding relationship that may fail. I don't blame anyone for not wanting to take that step. Or for trying to protect their own ass in case of divorce when lawyers seem to go for the throat just to get assets. Children can be used as pawns. When marriage gets ugly it gets REAL ugly.

 

But when it's good it's very very good.

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I not against marriage since I am in a very happy one but people should be very very careful when picking a spouse.

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The other day my own father told me he was glad I'm not married. I'm approaching mid-30's but am in a LTR. I'm not religious and I don't want kids.

 

Theoretically I think it can be a beautiful thing but IMO the majority of people out there just aren't cut out for it. The changes over the last 60 years or so have made marriage quite different - no fault divorce, no stigma over being divorced, educated woman no longer being dependent on men, the pursuit of individual happiness, etc.

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Smilecharmer

I love being married. It is easy and happy for us because we love our life we've built together. It isn't for everyone, but I can't imagine anything else with my wonderful husband. If I do nothing else right in my life I know I have a beautiful marriage to a good man.

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truth_seeker

I gotta say I would like to be married and have kids. I really would... but the way people are today, who can you really trust? The only hang up I have not being in a relationship is boredom and lack of companionship.

 

Just too many people living double lives and just flat out lying through their teeth. Why bother...

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I ask because for me, (and I am being very honest here, so please dont hate me for this...) but I did rely more on my ex financially, than I do in my life now, with my boyfriend now. I was 3 months to my wedding day when I walked away. The security that came with him, was comfortable, and I was planning on marrying him and having children. Now, I am not so sure I want that, and Im having a tough time trying to figure out whether it is because of me, the man I am dating, the idea of marriage just not being the same anymore, or the fact that I am not dependent on anyone anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

The more options you have, the more opportunities for stress and anxiety over indecision you will have.

 

 

Many of our grandparents did not have options. women were told they were going to marry, pop out babies and cook and clean.

 

 

Men were told they were going to get an education or a job skill, go to work, marry, father some children then support a wife and children for the rest of their days.

 

 

Today women can still do those things provided they can find a man who's willing to get educated and work to support them instead of hanging with his homies smoking doobies and playing Xbox all day.

 

 

Or they can choose to get their own educations/job skills and have their own careers and support themselves and even support and raise children on their own if they want.

 

 

Men today have more options too. A guy can still choose to pursue an education/skills and a career and marry a woman and devote himself to supporting her and a home and children.

 

 

Or he can choose to live in his mom's basement and drink beer and play Xbox in his underwear all day and work part time at Best Buy for the spending money and discounts on video games and then hit the bars at night see what kind of chicks he can pick up for fun and frivolity.

 

 

When you don't have any options, you don't stress over what you are going to do because your future is determined for you. When you are responsible for your own choices and your own outcomes, you have to deal with more indecision and anxiety over making the 'right' choice.

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Do you think people are not wanting to get married because of the FEAR of divorce happening?

 

Of course, it's silly to fear such things in the future though.

 

CHances are the single people of a family had this one brother that had a helstrom of a wife rake him across the coals and they have THAT to go off of.

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When we got married we did a prenup because I was afraid of divorce.

 

There are ways to manage expectations & guard against the downside without being so paranoid that you miss out on the good stuff.

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My father, being as old school as he was and a devoted husband, talked to me about dating and marriage and so on. My parents had no real concern (like most parents) about me finding a girlfriend or anything.

 

In fact, with the kind of divorce nightmares of the people that they knew around them, including family, had treacherous divorce/marital situations that would make one's skin crawl.

 

For a man who had been married 44 years, even he admits that one is better off not even getting married these days considering how often it happens and the nightmareish dramas that can occur.

 

Now, he wasn't completely against it, he was like, "Yeah, you might meet that special woman, so it would be good"...but his overall consensus was that one is better off not getting married....with an emphasis on "these days".

 

Anyone in agreement?

 

I don't think our society is "marriage friendly." Western culture is all about getting rid of old and upgrading. If I became single again I wouldn't remarry.

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In fact, with the kind of divorce nightmares of the people that they knew around them, including family, had treacherous divorce/marital situations that would make one's skin crawl.

 

The real pain of divorce is the personal part that comes from the relationship. Not being married doesn't protect you from that hurt if a split happens. The rest is mostly stuff that can be accounted for in advance.

 

Are you advising against getting that close to someone :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

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Having gone through a relatively painless divorce process, I can honestly say I will never wed again.

 

I strongly believe in the sanctity of marriage, I can say with absolutely honesty that the day I slipped those rings on my ex's fingers and said 'I do', was the single, happiest day of my life. The pride I felt, the overwhelming pride, it's beyond describing to be honest.

 

But I lost that, because she was already involved in affairs before our marriage. I ended up losing my house, my life and my Pug.

 

Call my cynical, but I will never allow that to happen again. And considering the age bracket I am in, I'm not all that certain I'd want to get that involved with a woman around my age.

 

The idea of marriage now scares the living bejesus out of me.

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I don't think anything is wrong with marriage itself and I think how it turns out is truly based on the two individuals, so I can't say I'd advice that it makes no sense for people to get married.

 

I think if one doesn't want to get married one should not and doesn't need to but I think it can and still does work for lots of people.

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My view is that people should only marry if they want to raise children. The vows and legal papers help keep the couple from quitting on each other when normal marital problems arise. The kids are better off with both parents as long as mom and dad have some level of respect for each other. But if you don't want kids there is no reason to get hitched. I think its more romantic to stay with someone because you want to rather then because you have to. Being able to make a clean break without a thought about lawyers and property settlements is sexy.

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Funny you mention that, a friend of mine said at the time her parents were married...that they should've been divorced LONG before that (at the time , her parents had reached the 18 year mark), but she claimed they ONLY stayed together because of the kids.

 

Which is usually a bad idea from what I understand.

 

 

My view is that people should only marry if they want to raise children. The vows and legal papers help keep the couple from quitting on each other when normal marital problems arise. The kids are better off with both parents as long as mom and dad have some level of respect for each other. But if you don't want kids there is no reason to get hitched. I think its more romantic to stay with someone because you want to rather then because you have to. Being able to make a clean break without a thought about lawyers and property settlements is sexy.
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One idea that occurred to me is a 7 year marriage contract. It sounds a bit clinical, but hear me out. The idea is that your marriage license runs out but every seven years you have to review and renew it.

 

Your happily married couples will just sign the forms and send them back, some may even have a huge party and renew their vows. So for them it's no big deal not having the permanent marriage certificate.

 

Those who are going to divorce can do so during the 7 year period so this wouldn't affect them either.

 

But for those in sexless marriages, or who are no longer sure, or who have concerns about the state of the marriage, it gives an opportunity to wave a red flag and review. It could lead to MC which helps the marriage, or even gives a wake up call to one of the spouses. What it does do is ask people to question if their marriage is working and if they are happy. So many people live life in a marriage rut the chance to take a look at it would be no bad thing.

 

We live soooo long now. How can we possibly be the same people who married at 25 when we are 55?

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