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Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

 
 
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Old 26th July 2014, 3:17 AM   #1
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scatter brain

hi
i just need some opinion. or something to wake me up. i basically know what to do. but why im still feeling the same way. i do not know.
my story starts years ago. i had an affair. by the time my husband found out about it, it was over. but by then, i did not want to get back together. in fairness, he tried. but due to shame, i couldnt make myself. on the other hand, the marriage i guess crumbled due to some problems he thinks i and only i perceives. he is very unaffectionate and many times, weve already discussed it. i did my best and one day i just got tired and stopped. he never noticed i stopped then the affair started.
anyway, for 2.5 years we were separated, technically. but we were living in the same house. we both come and goes as we pleases. but mainly, i work and tend to our kids ages 19, 15 and 10. i never repeated that one affair mistake. but i know that i didnt want to be with my husband anymore. we stopped talking and fighting. to each his own was the drama.
the last year i found out he had someone else. i was so hurt. so we talked and we decided to give the marriage another try. he told me he ended it with the other woman. we discuss expectations. and needs. his, mine.
it has been 6 months now since we gave each other chances but im not settled.
im still very doubtful and jealous and suspicious. especially that they are working together. in fairness to him, he has been patiently explaining and assuring me but i cant get over it.
ive analyzed things and i know where i stand. i am to be blamed as much as him as to why were going through this. but why is my mind riddled with suspicous? i cant trust him. its eating me alive. im a wreck and i cant stop thinking they are meeting or texting or face timing.
when i ask his multiple times he said it is truly over that it was clear right from the start that if he and his wife would get back together she would give way. same with him, if she and her boyfriend (she is single and 15 years younger than him).
my real problem is me. my mind is very chaotic. weve thought of seeing a marriage counsellor but he is not very keen. because he said all i have to do is accept it happened and that he assures me it is over. and we forgive each other. he has not once asked or confronted me with my affair since we got back.
he said we need to move forward and stop bringing up the past. i need to accept that they are still together at work for now. but it has ended and its me he love.
help me move forward please. i know if i keep on like this, i will be the one who will destroy our marriage. how can i stop being suspicious?
i have access to his fb,email and phone. he calls me many times when he is at work. what else does he have to do because i can see that he is losing his patience at times due to my accusations.
help
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Old 26th July 2014, 3:29 AM   #2
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So you cheat on your husband, throw him aside like garage and now you're upset that he is seeing someone?

You taught him this is acceptable in your marriage through your actions. Reminds me off my dad yelling to me about smoking with a lit cigarette in his hand.
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Old 26th July 2014, 6:03 AM   #3
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i guess i deserve that...
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Old 26th July 2014, 6:31 PM   #4
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Why do you really want to work on this marriage & relationship anymore, arlin? With all the past history, it will never be an easy road, it will be very arduous. That is one of the thing you have to accept. So look into yourself first. Can you be very patient, not just for weeks, but for months, and years to come? Will the past mistakes be too big, too condemning for you to be honest and open about it, or to look straight into it? Does your love for your husband has/can ever be as deep as you have has for your AP? (Does it even exist?). What if suddenly another very attractive and available man steps in, that can make your life (and your kids) so much easier? Will you yield or be steadfast? There are so many more questions you can find within yourself, and hopefully, the subsequent sincere answers as well. IC can be a big help here. I hope, they will prepare you well on starting this all over again.

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he said we need to move forward and stop bringing up the past... help me move forward please...
You agree with that? Move forward in what sense arlin, rugsweeping style? He's taking the easy way out, the easiest of all indeed. If he's reluctant to go for MC, then plan the discussion yourself. Go step by step. Convey it to him thoroughly and properly of how important it is to learn from the past, how much it actually holding you and the marriage from moving forward. Let him know all that. Slowly persuade him and push him to open up. Did he know as much as we know from your first thread?

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im still very doubtful and jealous and suspicious... why is my mind riddled with suspicous?... how can i stop being suspicious?
Just accept that you can't stop being suspicious or jealous, at least at this stage. What you could try however is to (partially?) conceal it within yourself, tone down, and avoid directly being accusative and confronting about it, especially during random, unplanned interactions. Find activities to vent off, don't let the negatives cloud your thought and action. From my point of view, your husband is doing quite okay in being open about it, in helping you overcome those feelings. Frequently calling you is actually quite a commendable effort. Be gentle and understanding, and raise his patience slowly. It will benefits both of you. Of course, always be aware and keep your eyes open.

Good luck on this journey. Be patient and strong. Sorry if I make all this sounds so daunting.
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Old 26th July 2014, 11:57 PM   #5
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thats the thing; he said he does not want to speak about my past anymore. and has not asked about it. but on numberous times during fights, he would throw it in my face when i ask him about HIS activitivies. im willing to answer everything and anything about that part of my life, but he would rather forget it and not bring it up anymore.
i want him to understand why it happened. but i can sense that he was deeply deeply hurt by that. but just wouldnt acknowledge the feelings.
i regret that part in our lives. and i realized now that i do love him. not for our kids. but for us. but i cant stop being doubtful. i will take your advice and tone it down. but im hurting. i dont have any outlet. as he is tired of listening to me because he said what else does he have to say when it is over (his). but you know? were not communicationg.
if there is one thing im sure is that were both committed to make the marriage work. and i guess strong. but how to get there, thats the million dollar question.
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Old 27th July 2014, 3:00 PM   #6
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Yet another woman saves a dead marriage. Good for you, bad for her.


You were separated in the same house, you were sexless, you told him you didn't want him and yet you expected him to be faithful. Is that correct? And you are baffled that he went outside that arrangement?
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Old 27th July 2014, 3:48 PM   #7
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Quote:
...but on numberous times during fights, he would throw it in my face when i ask him about HIS activitivies.
I know it's enraging and hurtful to be spit on the face like that, but try to be strong and indifferent towards it (at that moment at least). Forget the initial reason, instead take that chance, and maneuver it so that he would reveal more about what he's hurtling at you. Mould to his sentiments, appear to agree, or just plainly ask more about it. Hopefully by times, he would realize the importance of addressing them. Of course always be careful not to let him simply bully you.

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...tone it down. but im hurting. i dont have any outlet.
Perhaps just tone it down in a sense of not being too brazen, or too accusative. Maybe he would be more accepting and understanding if you are just projecting your hurt benignly, and looking for affection and confirmation rather than confrontation.

Take your time, and be patient. Good Luck.
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