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Should you love your spouse more than your kids?


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 22nd July 2014, 5:14 PM   #46
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Originally Posted by GorillaTheater View Post
I remember being little and my mom telling me (unsolicited) that if my dad and I were both drowning, she'd save my dad. Wow. Traumatized the hell out of me. Never lay crap like that on a little kid, even if it's true.
Wow! Why the heck lay that on a kid! What a weird thing to say... Even if - for whatever reason - she actually felt that way, why would you stuff it in a kid's face? That blows me away.
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Old 22nd July 2014, 5:29 PM   #47
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Wow! Why the heck lay that on a kid! What a weird thing to say... Even if - for whatever reason - she actually felt that way, why would you stuff it in a kid's face? That blows me away.
Well, mom had issues. And gave me some to sort through as well.
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Old 22nd July 2014, 5:35 PM   #48
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Well, mom had issues. And gave me some to sort through as well.
Man, I'm so sorry to hear that...
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Old 22nd July 2014, 5:53 PM   #49
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When my ex asked me this, it was after being asked, "if a bus was coming at your wife and child, and you could only push one of them out of the way, who would it be?" My ex would have basically pushed me in front of the bus, because youre supposed to love your children more, apparently. That was his answer.
I would be upset if my husband chose to save me. I've already sacrificed so much for my children, I'd gladly sacrifice my life. I'm not sure if he'd say the same...

As for the original question, at this point in my life I love my kids more. I will help them no matter what and I plan on being in their lives as long as they let me. I willingly give up precious sleep for them. I spend a lot more money on them than on my husband. (Daycare costs are way too high!) My love for them is unconditional.

Then again, my husband and I are having problems. Although I don't want anything bad to happen to him, I can't say I love him as much as I did just a few months ago. Maybe my answer would be different if we were ok...
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Old 23rd July 2014, 1:38 AM   #50
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I have a different love for my kids. My love for my husband is somewhat conditional, and has many different facets. Also, it's quite selfish... I love him because he does X for me, or makes me feel Y.

My love for my children is very strong. I feel they are a part of me, every day, which I find quite profound.
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Old 24th July 2014, 12:05 PM   #51
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I would never quantify my love, love is too complicated for that, in my experience. I love my son in very different ways than I love my wife. To a certain extent I get the sentiment, you love your spouse "more" because you chose the person, and spend the rest of your life living with them (hopefully), whereas a child you do not choose, and only lives with you until their adulthood, so one could argue your love for your partner has to be more resilient throughout your life, but that's still a very case-by-case thing.
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Old 24th July 2014, 1:09 PM   #52
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I don't think it really should be a measure of more or less love , the logic behind it, which I've heard discussed before and believe wholeheartedly, is that you should prioritize your marriage and your relationship with your spouse even after having kids. I believe it. The way I see it is that the parents are the King and Queen of the castle and the kingdom so to speak and everything is from the top down, so if things aren't good between them, then it trickles down to the rest of the kingdom, i.e. the kids.

I think some people upon having kids allow their relationship to fall by the wayside and make everything about their kids and believe this is what being a good parent is...meanwhile the marriage suffers and unfortunately, often when that suffers it does affect the kids as well.

I don't believe that to raise healthy happy kids you have to make everything about them all the time. The relationships I admire and aspire to are where the marital relationship is strong and loving and there is a balance of family time and "mom and dad" time. When I have kids I don't want to just become a parent or co-parents but plan to prioritize my marriage and maintain a loving, romantic relationship. Kids needs are prioritized as necessary of course but my kids should also have an understanding that mom and dad need mom and dad time. My aunt and uncle for example always tell their kids, even when they were young, mom is dad's gf and dad is mom's bf and they made time to go on dates, even trips without the kids sometimes, time when it was "mom and dad time"to just relax at home etc. Their kids are happy and healthy and have everything they need and they have PLENTY of family time but I think theirs is an example of prioritizing the marriage and putting it first and then that naturally trickles down into the family unit.
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Old 26th July 2014, 3:06 AM   #53
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I do agree.

When my ex asked me this, it was after being asked, "if a bus was coming at your wife and child, and you could only push one of them out of the way, who would it be?" My ex would have basically pushed me in front of the bus, because youre supposed to love your children more, apparently. That was his answer.

He did not tell me what his response was. He asked for my answer. I told him that I would choose him. We lost our twins together, when we were together, and the one thing I thanked God for was that He didn't take my ex too. At least we still had a chance to be together and try again for more children. As weird as that may sound to some. I lost my babies and no one can ever discount their dear souls. I still grieve over losing them. It has been a few years now, and I am not really sure how I feel about it all. Sad. I feel sad. I don't know if it is right, or if its wrong. I felt blessed he was still in my life, and we could continue trying to have more children after we lost them. I felt blessed I wasn't raising twins alone without him. I have no idea what I would have done, down the road, or how I would have felt years into our lives. I didn't get that chance. My ex actually got angry at me for answering the way I did. Lol. I think he even used to the word awful to describe me, because i said him and not our children.

We are now in a very different spot than we ever were then, upon being asked this. If we had the twins together, in our current situation, my answer may be very different, I would think. We are no longer together for other reasons.
So sorry to hear about this. You know, you actually have the right attitude I think. Too bad you couldn't work things out. I really don't know who I would save if a bus was coming towards my children and wife. You know, I think it would just be a natural reaction. What an awful choice to have to make though if it ever happened. I don't know if that has much to do with which one you "love" more. I just think if you are with your spouse and love your spouse the way you are supposed to, then that love hits a level that is impossible to touch. Even for the kids. There are different degrees of love for your spouse. As much as I love our children, I love my wife at a higher level that can't be touched.
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