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what if you found out your spouse was planning to leave when kids reach 18?


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I read a thread here where several people stated they were very dissatisfied and were only staying for the kids. They were planning to leave once the kids were adults.

 

This got me thinking about their spouses and what their reactions might be not only when they get dumped the after the kids 18th bday, but what people would do if they found out about their partners intentions with a number of years to go before the kids reach adulthood.

 

So let's say your kids have several years untill they are adults and you uncover positive proof your spouse is just marking time and sucking it up while making plans and preparations to leave once the kids are of age..

 

....What do you do?

 

Do you feel a sense of relief that they are going to be in the house for a few years and not planning to leaving while kids are still in the house??

 

Do you figure you might as well start your new life now and get the divorce ball rolling now?

 

I'm sure the pat-answer for a lot of folks is try to reconcile and save the marriage but what do you think you would really do in the real world?

 

I need to clarify that this is not a " should-people-stay-for-the-kids?" Question, but rather what would you do if you found out your spouse had made a conscious decision to they were going to just tolerate you and Mark time untill the kids reached a certain milestone in the future then drop the ax.

 

What do you do now?

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I would leave as long as the kids were old enough for me to handle on my own. As long as the youngest was 5, I would leave. Life is too short to settle.

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Perhaps the greatest offense I took at my wife's affair was the blatant disregard for the years of my life wasted on our commitment. I will never get those years back.

 

If I discovered that a spouse had deliberate intentions to waste years of my life, things would change.

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Perhaps the greatest offense I took at my wife's affair was the blatant disregard for the years of my life wasted on our commitment. I will never get those years back.

 

If I discovered that a spouse had deliberate intentions to waste years of my life, things would change.

 

 

 

I think that is what I see as the crux of the issue. I think it is just intentionally using someone for childcare assistance and dumping them like a bad habit once their babysitting needs are over.

 

 

While they are marking time, checking off the days until they can be free and do what they want, they are keeping their unsuspecting spouse trapped in a dead-end relationship thinking that things are at least stable.

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If I knew about the plan I would tell him to go ahead and get it over with. I don't want to live my life under false pretenses.

 

If I found out my husband was involved with someone else and planned to leave when the kids were grown...I'd set him free immediately to follow his bliss. :laugh:

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Michelle ma Belle

I'd kick him to the curb the moment I found out.

 

If he really wanted out, then get out. I'll be happy to not only hold the door open for him but slam it on his ass on the way out.

 

I'm no charity case.

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What do you do now?

 

Enjoy the now.

 

No way would I have ever thought of that before being married.

 

Heck, I could be dead long before the kids got to 18. Why worry about things which are nebulous at best and far into the future at worst?

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In a way it's kind of a catch-22 isn't it? people bitch that their spouse left them when they had minor kids and church ladies click their tongues and gasp and shake their heads in disgust.

 

 

...but people seem to be about just as appalled if someone is planning to stay until the kids reach adulthood and then leave.

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depends on what sort of relationship you have with your wife... if it's bearable, no problem...

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In a way it's kind of a catch-22 isn't it? people bitch that their spouse left them when they had minor kids and church ladies click their tongues and gasp and shake their heads in disgust.

 

 

...but people seem to be about just as appalled if someone is planning to stay until the kids reach adulthood and then leave.

 

Sometimes...but I wouldn't want to be with someone who was just toughing it out.

 

It might be different if BOTH parties agreed to this arrangement... but even then I think the kids get hurt and angry because there was something "fake" about their lives.

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but even then I think the kids get hurt and angry because there was something "fake" about their lives.

 

or, if family life is perfectly fine, they might be very grateful that their parents stayed together for their long term benefit...

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If my spouse hadn’t told me and we hadn't decided to do that together, I’d file for divorce.

 

BUT FIRST, after my head stopped spinning, I’d do a complete financial analysis, forensic if necessary, and make sure I had documentation of everything several years back.

 

In my experience, folks who secretly hang in there for any reason also start “planning” (euphemism) financially for their exit to maximize their financial standing for the upcoming divorce. They don’t just wait passively. They prepare financially, even if only subconsciously, but usually intentionally.

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If I had an otherwise tolerable relationship with her, AND they were providing for the family (either financially or by caring well for the children and home), I would probably stay (and plan my own exit too, of course)... true, you know the relationship is not going anywhere in the long term, but that's a long time away... there is a lot of stuff to worry about in the meantime. And it would really take the pressure off not having to worry about the relationship's future since you already know there isn't one. Visit to your parents? Nah hun, go ahead and take the kids, I'll just go do my thing. Say hi to grandma & grandpa for me.

 

If we were fighting every other day or if she was intent on just leeching as much as possible off of me while she could, that would be a different story. But if life is otherwise OK and we both are doing a fair share of the work, who is to say 2 responsible adults, in or out of love, can't do a good job raising a family? That's the way it was done most of the time in the past before divorce became so easy.

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So let's say your kids have several years untill they are adults and you uncover positive proof your spouse is just marking time and sucking it up while making plans and preparations to leave once the kids are of age..

What do you do now?

I think it's rare it's this overt, that there's some secret cache of plans for a spouse to stumble upon.

 

But your point is well-taken in that many spouses in stalled marriages make a mental note to reassess when the kids are out, circling a date on the future calendar.

 

And it's likely that, if you're doing so mentally, so is your partner. Which begs a slightly different question - if you're in that type of marriage, why are you staying :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

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If we were fighting every other day or if she was intent on just leeching as much as possible off of me while she could, that would be a different story. But if life is otherwise OK and we both are doing a fair share of the work, who is to say 2 responsible adults, in or out of love, can't do a good job raising a family? That's the way it was done most of the time in the past before divorce became so easy.

 

 

 

I understand your point, but if you know that is all it is, why not do that from 2 separate households and be free to live your own life?

 

 

If two people are going to be responsible and cooperative and work together to coparent, why not do it from two houses and be able to live their own life without interference from the other?

 

 

If the plan and intention is to ultimately split, why not split now and continue to coparent as effectively as you can as individuals?

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And it's likely that, if you're doing so mentally, so is your partner.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don't know how true that is. You are always hearing about someone taking off and moving on and it seems their life is almost seamless while their partner is dumbstruck and was clueless that anything was wrong and they are completely behind the eight ball.

 

 

Now perhaps they should have been a little more aware and there should have been some signs along the way, but I am convinced some people really do make pretty detailed exit plans for years before dropping the bomb and making their escape.

 

 

I can see doing that in cases of severe abuse or addiction, but the people I personally know that have had that happen we perfectly normal and were not mean or abusive or drunkards or anything at all. Their partners just decided they didn't want to be married to them any more and wanted the kids to grow up more and be less dependent and they bided their time and made plans and squirreled away money and kept their partners completely in the dark and then one day transferred their share of the funds into an individual account, put down deposits and signed leases, packed their bags and left and within days, weeks or a couple months had a completely new life while their partner left behind was still reeling from the shock and wondering what happened and what they should do.

My question for everyone is, what would you do if you happened to stumble on that your spouse was one of these people planning on doing that?

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My reaction would be to tell them to leave now and not wait.

 

I would be hurt and would feel disrespected if they chose not to discuss this with me maturely. If I found out through some other way it would hurt and I would address it. I would feel very uncomfortable living with them if that was the case...however perhaps if we had discussed it together before I would have felt less awkward about it. But this is assuming I'm totally blindsided.

 

If we had been already having problems maybe I'd be relieved. But I can't really say without being in the situation.

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Interesting question.

 

If I had certain knowledge of the future (through magic or something), and thus knew for certain that my partner would be leaving, without any chance of changing that plan, then I see little reason to staying other than perhaps temporary practical reasons...none of which apply to me now. Someone with one foot out the door, but choosing to conceal/dodge (as I believe is your idea) doesn't make a good partner, so may as well get that over with now.

 

But that's magic clairvoyance land. In a real case, where I suspect or know that my partner has thoughts or plans of leaving, but the future is not preordained, I'd probably try to ask and talk about the reasons and whether we could/should try to correct whatever's at issue.

 

If I'd known with certainty (or even statistical likelihood) that my then-fiance and I were headed for marriage and then divorce, I would not have married him. I hope.

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I understand your point, but if you know that is all it is, why not do that from 2 separate households and be free to live your own life?

 

 

If two people are going to be responsible and cooperative and work together to coparent, why not do it from two houses and be able to live their own life without interference from the other?

 

 

If the plan and intention is to ultimately split, why not split now and continue to coparent as effectively as you can as individuals?

 

If you have the means to do that, sure, but that's not always a practical option!

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Interesting question.

 

If I had certain knowledge of the future (through magic or something), and thus knew for certain that my partner would be leaving, without any chance of changing that plan, then I see little reason to staying other than perhaps temporary practical reasons...none of which apply to me now. Someone with one foot out the door, but choosing to conceal/dodge (as I believe is your idea) doesn't make a good partner, so may as well get that over with now.

 

But that's magic clairvoyance land. In a real case, where I suspect or know that my partner has thoughts or plans of leaving, but the future is not preordained, I'd probably try to ask and talk about the reasons and whether we could/should try to correct whatever's at issue.

 

If I'd known with certainty (or even statistical likelihood) that my then-fiance and I were headed for marriage and then divorce, I would not have married him. I hope.

 

 

Good post.

 

Life is what happens when you are making other plans.

 

18 years (or lets say 12 or something if your kid is 6)....is a long long time. Neither you nor you spouse will likely be the same person or same views on the marriage at that time.

 

Your "plans" what ever they maybe for yourself and your marriage, will unlikely be the same in 12 years, unless you totally check out of the marriage now and your spouse is going to understand and see this. One couple I know basically did this - they both more or less understood this plan long ago, and even several years before their youngest went to college had actually fully checked out - lead different lives, and perhaps one or both were actually seeing someone. Almost an open marriage kind of at the end, no hard feelings - just kind of cooperative patenting .

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I think this is fairly common in a lot of marriages. I think there are many people who have said this out loud to their spouse at different times though the level of seriousness may vary.

 

From my experience, this was where my parents were. I know my father was firmly in this mindset and my mom was there at times. She didn't necessarily see a need/desire to make the marriage better but was fine in its less than idea state.

 

So they did divorce when the last kid was 18. There was no financial prepping as they were never in a state to do anything about it. I think it is wishful thinking that people think that they would automatically up and divorce if they found this out since the financial state, at least of the average American, is less than idea. A lot of people stay together because it is too financially difficult to divorce. In my parent's case, my dad could not support two households at that time.

 

I think, for the average person who is in this state of mind, they are thinking of divorce but there is no immediate action to do so. Just the fantasy/wishful thinking of finally having the "kid" burden off of them. I think when they are empty nester they reevaluate how things are. This period in life is one of the top times that couples divorce. So I think this is far more common than people realize. Couples no longer know how to interact with each other when the kids aren't the primary focus. The couple piece had gone to the wayside years prior and for some it is too far gone to try and get back.

 

I think the movie, "Hope Springs" is actually a very good look at just this time period and where a relationship can end up.

 

The time period leading up to the empty nest, where people are "biding their time" is a period ripe for affairs. They are no longer invested but can't make a move, or feel they can't make a move, so are in auto pilot and focus outside the marriage becomes stronger.

 

So it depends if I was in this situation and depends on my feelings for the marriage. Maybe I am biding time as well. Maybe I would see it as a deal breaker. Maybe I would rush to actively try and reconcile the marriage. I am not sure.

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I'm not specifically planning for divorce at any specific time, but I can say that I'd have probably already divorced if not for the children situation. Living with my wife is becoming exceedingly difficult and unhappy for me. She has some issues which are growing in intensity, and that I'm finding myself unable to cope with.

 

My absolute priority is to keep my children's lives stable and at their current level of comfort. I'm (by far) the bread-winner, and my wife has very low income potential. If we were to divorce, she would obviously get primary custody. I would give her the house and live in a cheap apartment, giving all my money to keep them living the same as they are now.. but I just don't have the money for that (to keep that household going and to keep myself alive on my sole income).

 

Further, with respect to custody and my wife's issue.. I'm getting more and more uneasy with the idea of her being left unchecked/unsupervised (long term) with them. Having 2 parents in the house allows each to act as a check-and-balance system, ensuring the parenting is done appropriately. I can be at work away from them all day, but she knows I'll be home later. But when someone knows they have nobody else to answer to, their behaviour changes.

 

My parents divorced when I was a kid, and I realize that I basically became an adult the day they officially separated. I lost out on a lot of my childhood, started worrying and stressing about financial issues, sacrificing my own well-being for the good of the household, etc.. all before the age of 10. I will not permit that to happen to my children. Plus, as mentioned above, without the check-and-balance of the 2nd parent in the household physical abuse started happening to me.

 

I don't have a set age or timeline, or even a certainty for divorce. I'm not making any financial plans or otherwise, but I am taking certain actions, I suppose.. such as not having any more kids and pushing my wife to take skills training (which I'm happy to pay for) and for her to find employment. If we were to divorce, I want life to be as easy for her as possible. In a way, I guess this is actually self-serving, because I would do whatever was necessary to ease difficulties for her.. so if she is making money for herself that means I will need to divert less of my own income. And yes, I know courts would say I'd have to spend X amount, but I would actually spend up to 100% of my income to keep them living as they are now. I feel it is my responsibility to my wife and kids.

 

I know many people say that you should leave, and if you stay your kids will know you are unhappy.. and that you are giving a bad message to them about how a marriage should be. For now, let's just say that I'm a very good actor. There are recent times, I admit, where the reality shows through some cracks... and that very well may start becoming more frequent. If I can't maintain the facade (and thus the damage to the children becomes worse by staying), then I will pursue divorce. If I make the dedicated decision that I DO absolutely intend to divorce, then I will be open and discuss with my wife and let her decide what she wants to do.

 

For now, though, I keep my thoughts to myself (aside from periodically discussing the problems with my wife, as far as her mental state permits). She frequently talks about how she couldn't survive without me, and is already on the verge of breakdown in our rather comfortable and reasonably wealthy life (some friends have said her behaviour is all an attempt to manipulate me, but I'm not sure if that is true - I think it's more related to her mental issues and obsessiveness). I know that if I were to bring the hardship of divorce on her, the ramifications will be serious.. even catastrophic. Whatever they might be, I am certain they will be harder on my children than living with me 'faking it' as I have been to keep the household functional as it is.

 

I know some people may see me as evil or selfish. I'm not sure on how selfish I am.. I'm driven by my sense of responsibility to keep my children's lives stable and happy. I'm willing to sacrifice my own happiness to do so. Some may say I'm also sacrificing my wife's long-term well-being, and yes I can see that with regards to relationship status.. but financially it is certainly untrue. I take complete care of her financially and she wouldn't live a fraction of how well she does on her own. People might say she could find someone else, and if I was certain of that then awesome.. that would be fantastic. But with her issues I don't think that is very likely.. certainly not for a long period of time, which is a critical time for my children's development. In the interim they would live an uncomfortable, unstable life with an unstable parent. There is no question in my mind that their quality of life would degrade significantly.

 

Some may say what I'm doing wrong is that I'm not communicating fully with my wife, and keeping my considerations to myself. But the reason I don't tell her everything is because doing so - with her mental state - would make life almost as bad for everyone as divorce... at *best*. Just talking to her about it would more than likely cause divorce. So communicating would almost certainly cause the hardship to my kids that I'm trying to avoid.

 

And for the record, yes, she is in counseling and on medications.

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ForeverTainted

I would leave if he did not want to work on what was wrong. I would never put that burden on my children's heads. I would never want to carry on such a long term deception that would cause then to have so many doubts an insecurities. I wouldn't want then to believe their life was a lie nor would I want them to feel they were responsible for us remaining unhappy.

 

I have seen too much damage caused by waiting to be empty nesters.

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This is my plan though probably not 18. Maybe 8-10. My youngest is 3. So maybe sucking up five years.

My husband thinks our life is perfect so its getting old for me. Talking in circles and feeling this way. Its not like it would be a surprise. He knows I am unhappy but expects me to get over it. So I do my own thing and have learned to deal with it all on my own. Living as if my relationship is casual and biding my time. I know it would be better for my kids in some ways to leave now. But then living on the streets is not a great idea either.

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