Why do people even get married if they cant handle the fact that bodies change?

[polynomial]

Nothing to add here really, just weird to read stories about people losing their attraction to their partners and leaving them because they got fat or something. Why even marry then? There are so many things that could happen to a person that would make them look different. If you're not prepared to stand by the person you love, do everyone involved a favour and don't marry them.

[SammySammy]

There's a difference between bodies changing and letting yourself go. There's no real excuse for getting fat and expecting your mate to accept it.

[pink_sugar]

I think there is one thing about being shallow and not accepting changes that do come with age and then it is another thing entirely if someone just lets themselves go and stops taking care of themselves...lack of hygiene...eating nothing but junk food. Of course in those cases, if someone adds 100lbs, there might be some loss of attraction. I think there are too many people out there who think they don't have to keep themselves up when they get married.

[polynomial]

There's a difference between bodies changing and letting yourself go. There's no real excuse for getting fat and expecting your mate to accept it.

 

What if you get some kind of illness or have to take medication that causes weight gain and you cannot control it?

 

I understand the distinction between letting yourself go and taking care of yourself but sometimes stuff that our bodies do can be out of control.

 

Or I've read about men who have dumped their wives after having breast masectomy..

[pink_sugar]

Well, if it's an illness or medication, that is one thing (happened to my aunt in fact with some of her medications), but there are still ways to reduce the weight gain. A lot of gain that happens with medication is usually between 5 and 20 pounds...definitely not enough to make you obese. (my aunt lost a few pounds by monitoring her diet more closely and joining Weight Watchers) When it comes down to it though, over 90% of those obese is from poor eating habits or lack of exercise. There is a small percentage of those obese due to glandular issues or etc, but the reason most people are obese is due to diet and exercise.

[Keenly]

What if you get some kind of illness or have to take medication that causes weight gain and you cannot control it?

 

I understand the distinction between letting yourself go and taking care of yourself but sometimes stuff that our bodies do can be out of control.

 

Or I've read about men who have dumped their wives after having breast masectomy..

 

These are cop out excuses.

 

 

If a person really dates about their appearance, they will make the effort.

 

 

If they don't, they make excuses.

 

 

 

There is one particular girl on my Facebook, she was with her S.O. for 5 years. She gained WRLL over 120 lbs. This girl weighs almost twice as much as she did in HS and she is only 25.

 

She then proceeded with the obligatory " he is a terrible person for dumping me because of.my weight " and trying to get the sympathy card.

 

Needless to say, its difficult to care about some one when they don't even care about themselves.

[GorillaTheater]

Or I've read about men who have dumped their wives after having breast masectomy..

 

A crappy, crappy thing to do, but I agree with Pink Sugar. To the extent we have control over the situation, it's reasonable for us all, men and women, to be the best spouse we can be, mentally, emotionally, and yes, physically.

 

Age and gravity gets us all, eventually and to some point. But you don't have to be a fitness fanatic to keep the effects to a reasonable minimum.

[polynomial]

These are cop out excuses.

 

 

If a person really dates about their appearance, they will make the effort.

 

 

If they don't, they make excuses.

 

 

 

There is one particular girl on my Facebook, she was with her S.O. for 5 years. She gained WRLL over 120 lbs. This girl weighs almost twice as much as she did in HS and she is only 25.

 

She then proceeded with the obligatory " he is a terrible person for dumping me because of.my weight " and trying to get the sympathy card.

 

Needless to say, its difficult to care about some one when they don't even care about themselves.

 

Err.. Gaining THAT much is such short time to me shows some kind of medical condition going on.. :/ If not, then obviously her lifestyle has changed A LOT and that makes me wonder as well..

[thefooloftheyear]

Depends on the people....

 

Ive seen cases where both let themselves go and they are still happy..I guess as long as they are on the same page, so be it...

 

The problem arises when the balance shifts..Rarely does one not begin to resent the other if one cares and the other doesnt

 

TFY

[notserene]

There are all kinds of age-related changes that you have to accept in your partner, some of which are beyond our control (e.g., hair loss). I wouldn't reasonably expect my husband to be attracted to me if I gained 100 pounds. I wouldn't find him attractive either if he were that heavy. I do think that an emotionally mature person can cope with the other changes.

[central]

My wife and I don't believe that you can or should overlook any and all changes, depending on what they are, and the circumstances. We are very realistic that some things can be deal breakers, and you may not know in advance what they will be. The only reason we will stay together is out of love - if that's gone, there's no expectation or obligation to stay around, nor would we want it otherwise. We want each other to be happy, but not at the expense of our own happiness to any significant degree.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Apart from illness or glandular issues, often times excessive weight gain has very little to do with food itself but rather what food represents.

 

Just like drugs and alcohol, food can be a powerful drug that is used as a substitution for love, intimacy and fulfillment. This can be seen not only in relationships but in other areas such as career and family.

 

And just like drugs and alcohol and even sex, abusing food is often a desperate attempt at trying to numb uncomfortable feelings and/or fill a great void which is exasperated due to emotional and/or spiritual deprivations.

 

If one person in the relationship has gained a huge amount of weight, it's a visual que that they are unhappy about something in their life and/or relationship.

 

There are countless books that support this theory.

 

Just another take on the issue. Not everything is as it seems on the surface.

Edited July 14, 2014 by Michelle ma Belle

[jay1983]

Err.. Gaining THAT much is such short time to me shows some kind of medical condition going on.. :/ If not, then obviously her lifestyle has changed A LOT and that makes me wonder as well..

 

5 years is not a short time. I can easily gain 10 lbs in a month. Once I got sick, I was stuck at home on taking pain killers, ordering pizza and not getting any exercise. I gained 13 pound in 3 weeks. Not only that, but my body had gotten use to eating a days' worth of calories in one meal.

[polynomial]

5 years is not a short time. I can easily gain 10 lbs in a month. Once I got sick, I was stuck at home on taking pain killers, ordering pizza and not getting any exercise. I gained 13 pound in 3 weeks. Not only that, but my body had gotten use to eating a days' worth of calories in one meal.

 

Well, true I guess. 120lb weight gain still seems weird, I mean, if you already gain 20, wouldn't you consider something's wrong (even your lifestyle)?

[Dirt]

Well, true I guess. 120lb weight gain still seems weird, I mean, if you already gain 20, wouldn't you consider something's wrong (even your lifestyle)?

 

Some people just don't care. I know some people who got fat or are fat and they continue to eat poorly and don't exercise. They laugh at themselves for being fat or getting fat.

 

I myself couldn't be that way because I'm kinda vain and don't want to piss money away in expensive preventable healthcare.

[Mr. Lucky]

If you're not prepared to stand by the person you love, do everyone involved a favour and don't marry them.

So polynomial, there's no weight gain that would be a dealbreaker for you ??? Your average weight bf/husband could get to 400 lbs? 500 lbs? and you'd hang in there through all the attendant health and lifestyle issues?

 

Mr. Lucky

[polynomial]

So polynomial, there's no weight gain that would be a dealbreaker for you ??? Your average weight bf/husband could get to 400 lbs? 500 lbs? and you'd hang in there through all the attendant health and lifestyle issues?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I realise "getting fat" was the only example I brought up in my original post but it wasn't THE ONLY change I had in mind (in another post I talked about masectomy). There are countless other changes as well.

 

And if someone actually suddenly boosted up to 400lbs then there would have to be some serious issues behind that. I mean of course if I person did a complete 180Degree change in their lifestyle and it affected them poorly, there would be a problem. But what I was trying to discuss in this thread was the things that people cannot control and sometimes, it may happen they can't control their weight. But gaining weight wasn't the only example I wanted this thread to hae but it seems to be so..

[Keenly]

I realise "getting fat" was the only example I brought up in my original post but it wasn't THE ONLY change I had in mind (in another post I talked about masectomy). There are countless other changes as well.

 

And if someone actually suddenly boosted up to 400lbs then there would have to be some serious issues behind that. I mean of course if I person did a complete 180Degree change in their lifestyle and it affected them poorly, there would be a problem. But what I was trying to discuss in this thread was the things that people cannot control and sometimes, it may happen they can't control their weight. But gaining weight wasn't the only example I wanted this thread to hae but it seems to be so..

 

Can you provide specific examples of things that would cause a break up that are out of a persons control?

 

I can't really think of any, except for dumping a cancer patient because they have no hair .

[carhill]

Why do people even get married if they cant handle the fact that bodies change?

 

When feelings impel proposals and nuptials, the persons those feelings inhabit are living in the now, today, and want to marry today. They have no way of knowing, nor should they, how they'll feel a week from now, a month from now, a year from now, a decade from now, a lifetime from now, nor how they'll handle the fact that their bodies change. They can, of course, speculate.

 

Whether it be the stuff we see, like body parts, weight, etc, or stuff we don't see, like psychology, cognitive state/health, we're always changing. When feelings and changes don't match up, then the interesting stuff begins.

 

In a way, I think our MC was referring to this when he opined that life's challenges and changes either bind a couple together or tear them apart. It depends on the couple. We make plans, think we have everything 'handled', and then life happens.

[polynomial]

Can you provide specific examples of things that would cause a break up that are out of a persons control?

 

I can't really think of any, except for dumping a cancer patient because they have no hair .

 

I was gonna mention masectomy, getting wheelchair bound.etc but then I realised.. nah. people can fall out of love for so many reasons. it really all depends on the couple. i guess my faith in love is now completely gone though. i do not believe that two people can both be happy together until the end.

[RoseMadder]

Can you provide specific examples of things that would cause a break up that are out of a persons control?

 

I can't really think of any, except for dumping a cancer patient because they have no hair .

 

I can provide several.

 

1. My Dad says he left my mom (after 30+ yrs marriage) because he couldn't cope when she became disabled and the impact it had on his quality of life.

 

2. Friends brother got his leg blown off in Iraq, developed PTSD as well as being in a wheelchair, wife left him because "she couldn't cope."

 

3. I worked with a lady who's husband left her when she got cancer in her labia and she couldn't have sex anymore.

 

None of them 'had control' over what happened to them, they were dealt $hitty hands and the people who they trusted to stand by them 'til death do us part' were too weak and selfish to stick to their promises.

[tommyr]

Nothing to add here really, just weird to read stories about people losing their ability to control their appetite or something. Why even marry then? There are so many things that a person could do (excercise, diet) to sustain their best possible appearance well into old age. If you're not prepared to maintain a decent weight for the person you love, do everyone involved a favour and don't marry them.

[Elliotte]

Seeing as how a lot of people get married still expecting their spouse to change, and then divorce when they don't change, why wouldn't the opposite also be true? Of course a lot of people cannot be completely ready for all changes life brings them and their partners, you may THINK you know what you want for your future, but do you ever get exactly that thing and it makes you 100% happy with it? People get divorced for a lot of reasons these days, I don't think there is a "WRONG" reason for leaving someone, we all have our own strong feelings about what we want in life and the partner we share it with, and NONE of us are saints! There are certainly more agreeable reasons to leave someone according to the majority of people out there, but it's about YOUR life and what YOU want, not about being happy with someone just because most people say "hey that's superficial!" if a change in your partner makes you not attracted to them anymore. I certainly shouldn't say anyone should cut and run immediately if you find out your wife needs to get her breasts removed or she will DIE, changes should be given time for reconciliation on everyone affected, but what if things don't get reconciled no matter the couples' best efforts?

 

Marriage is so odd because it hinges on staying together with someone NO MATTER what, when clearly, so many people reach a breaking point, and like Louis CK says "no GOOD marriage ended in divorce!"

[SammySammy]

I'm pushing 60. 5'4" and 118 lbs...the same weight as when before I had my daughters 25 years-ago. My guy is 5'9"...160 lbs...same weight as when he was in university.

 

Aging does not equal weight gain or getting flabby.

 

I'm a nurse. Some medications can effect weight but these are few...and most of the gain is still often from poor diet and lack of exercise

 

As for some of the reasons for people splitting up. Sorry, you do not know the whole story unless it was your own relationship. Because of this...because of that... 'I know someone who left their spouse because of... '....no, you do not. It is not right to call a person a jerk, selfish or anything else.

 

Exactly. I was thinking the same thing when people were using medication as an excuse for gaining weight. Even on medication, you have to consume more calories than you burn off to gain weight. Common sense, but having a nurse say it seems to be more credible.

[Clockwork]

By the way, we will ALL change. Women who have children might get their bodies back to their pre-pregnant era but not all do. Men can lose their hair. People go gray. God forbid they get wrinkles. These things happen gradually over a long period of time. A person truly in love still looks at their spouse as if they are 21 all over again. A wrinkle here and there doesn't matter. As long as the person inside doesn't change that is the most important part.

 

Now, you want to still remain attractive to your spouse and keep the spices alive. That's important too. But don't ever think you'll look the same in your 50s as you will in your 20s.