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Not sharing each others' passions: deal breaker?


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 15th July 2014, 9:19 AM   #31
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Oldshirt, what is a sheriff of music?
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Old 15th July 2014, 9:30 AM   #32
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Oldshirt, what is a sheriff of music?
LOL it's a damn Kindle with a way over active auto-correct!
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Old 15th July 2014, 10:06 AM   #33
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LOL it's a damn Kindle with a way over active auto-correct!
Ugh. I can't use my kindle for typing. I thought maybe it was an expression I'd never heard of. I tried googling it with no luck.
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Old 15th July 2014, 11:53 AM   #34
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Does that sound like a recipe for a breakup? Probably. But if he wants someone who "gets" it more than i do, he should probably date a musician...
Parts of your situation remind me of the movie "Juno" where the wife wants to start a family (through adoption in this case) and her husband decides he'd rather chase his muse. Spoiler alert - doesn't work out for them as a couple ...

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Old 15th July 2014, 12:15 PM   #35
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OP, relevant to not sharing each other's passions, a couple of questions:

1. You state you've been together a couple of years. Do you live together and, if so, how long now?

2. When was the last time he proactively sought you out with interest in one of your passions and/or responded in an enthusiastic and interested manner to you sharing one of your passions with him?

I ask because it appears this thread is predominantly about him and I smell a marked imbalance here.

I have a phrase I use universally with friends, family and also with my ex-spouse, who often pursued her passions to the detriment of our M: "Everything in life isn't about you'.

Harsh? Yep! That's the concrete wall of my boundary of decorum. It hurts. Lots of freedom in between. If they don't like it, the door is right there. Done.
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Old 15th July 2014, 4:11 PM   #36
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OP, relevant to not sharing each other's passions, a couple of questions:

1. You state you've been together a couple of years. Do you live together and, if so, how long now?

2. When was the last time he proactively sought you out with interest in one of your passions and/or responded in an enthusiastic and interested manner to you sharing one of your passions with him?

I ask because it appears this thread is predominantly about him and I smell a marked imbalance here.

I have a phrase I use universally with friends, family and also with my ex-spouse, who often pursued her passions to the detriment of our M: "Everything in life isn't about you'.

Harsh? Yep! That's the concrete wall of my boundary of decorum. It hurts. Lots of freedom in between. If they don't like it, the door is right there. Done.

1. 3+ years dating. We are not living together. I own my own place, he rents. Last time we visited the topic (about 6 months ago) he was not ready to live together. Yes, the lack of progression in the relationship is a bit of an issue for me.

2. Never? This was an issue throughout the relationship that caused us to break up for a while. It used to make me really unhappy that he shows 0 interest in my hobbies but I've accepted that it won't change. He does nt see it as a problem and would prefer a separate social lives type setup.
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Old 15th July 2014, 4:20 PM   #37
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Here's another phrase life and marriage brought to me:

"They let me love them"

Watch for the balance part. IME, it's key, if you want a relationship that grows and strengthens over time.

Your part is communication. People can't read minds, much as we'd like to think they do when they appear to love us. Clear communication. Sometimes that's painful, but it can be positive too. Try phrasing things in positive ways.

In his defense, he's probably a pretty attractive guy because this kind of behavior with a less attractive man would have found him out the door long ago for most women I know. Charisma has a power all its own. I've seen that with certain women. Loved a few. They let me. That's good information. Good luck!
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Old 16th July 2014, 9:44 AM   #38
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1. 3+ years dating. We are not living together. I own my own place, he rents. Last time we visited the topic (about 6 months ago) he was not ready to live together. Yes, the lack of progression in the relationship is a bit of an issue for me.

2. Never? This was an issue throughout the relationship that caused us to break up for a while. It used to make me really unhappy that he shows 0 interest in my hobbies but I've accepted that it won't change. He does nt see it as a problem and would prefer a separate social lives type setup.
I think the lack of progression is definitely an issue. It seems he's happy with a girlfriend and that's it. Usually 2 - 3 years is around the time to make the living together commitment. I think this issue is as important as the compatibility one.

I don't want to be negative L-I-D, but it does seem to me that this relationship isn't going to go anywhere.

Reminds me of the line in Annie Hall - "A relationship is like a shark, it has to move forward to survive. And what we have here is a dead shark."
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Old 17th July 2014, 3:25 AM   #39
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Originally Posted by lucy_in_disguise View Post
1. 3+ years dating. We are not living together. I own my own place, he rents. Last time we visited the topic (about 6 months ago) he was not ready to live together. Yes, the lack of progression in the relationship is a bit of an issue for me.

2. Never? This was an issue throughout the relationship that caused us to break up for a while. It used to make me really unhappy that he shows 0 interest in my hobbies but I've accepted that it won't change. He does nt see it as a problem and would prefer a separate social lives type setup.
The more I read about your R, OP, the more I think you should leave.

There are clearly multiple aspects of this R that you are unhappy with. You seem incompatible with him on multiple fronts.

Were you staying hoping that he would change?
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Old 19th July 2014, 3:54 PM   #40
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I've had a knot of anxiety in the pit of my stomach over the last couple days. I am angry and sad about the relationship but I can't seem to be able to express exactly why.

I'm not sure if his hobby is the real source of contention, or merely something I am picking to avoid dealing with bigger issues. I honestly cannot even say with certainty what the "bigger issues" really are.

There is the fact that i want more out of a relationship than this one is providing me. I want to get to the part where we are involved in planning for the future. We have never been able to get there but I'm not sure if it's me- my inability to lead the conversations I want to be having, my inability to feel- and elicit- that feeling of connectedness and emotional intimacy that motivates those conversations.

Or maybe it's him- he's not a planner, he's not much for romance or conversation, either.

On the other hand, for all our issues, we love each other, I trust him, we can have good times. He says he wants marriahe and kids and I think he'd be a good husband and father. I'm just not sure how to bring that out from some unattainable future and apply it to our relationship.

This weekend he is at another hippie fest, and I am attending a different music festival with my friends. He could have skipped a day of his to come with me, but chose not to. We were supposed to have breakfast this morning but he was too hungover.
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