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Not sharing each others' passions: deal breaker?


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Old 14th July 2014, 2:27 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by lucy_in_disguise View Post
We have discussed the time allocation issues but to no real satisfying conclusion. He just tells me I should do what I need to do.

translation = he is doing this with or without you and you are free to go.

When I follow that advice it's easy not to see him for days tho since he doesn't make a ton of effort to join me (only when asked).

translation = he means it. His words and his actions are congruent. He's being upfront and honest with you. He is doing it with or without your approval and he won't try to stop you or hold it against you if you go
Responses in bold above.

One of the questions you have to ask yourself is, Are you willing to live with that?
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Old 14th July 2014, 2:30 PM   #17
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Do you realize how many times you have used the term "real job" in your posts??

Does he and his bandmates also see this as a silly little past time that interfere with their 'real' jobs and family life or do you think they may see their music lifestyle as their real job and their career aspirations? Do you think that they will also view music interfering with family life and childrearing or will they see children as happering their music efforts?

The bottom line line here is you don't see the music aspirations as serious or legitimate and they do.

This is what I was talking about when I said that differing lifestyle preferences, values and mores is critical.
As I have said, he is the only one in the band with a "real" job. His bandmates view music as their primary career. With regards to family life/ children, they are all either younger where that's not yet a consideration, or don't ever want kids.

I should add that all of them have super-supportive gf's who are either musicians themselves, or really into the scene. This adds to my feeling like we may not be compatible since I feel he desires the same level of support from me (which I am incapable of giving without compromising my own career and interests).

You are right, the goal for them is to do this full time. That's a lot for me to think about.
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Old 14th July 2014, 2:35 PM   #18
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Responses in bold above.

One of the questions you have to ask yourself is, Are you willing to live with that?
Oldshirt, that would be an accurate assessment. Am I willing to live with it? That's what I'm hoping to figure out by seeking feedback from you married folks. Does it sound like a situation that has a good chance of working, assuming we are committed to each other? Or is the discrepancy large enough to cause resentment, fights, or plain old drifting apart?
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Old 14th July 2014, 2:45 PM   #19
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a couple other points to make here and I'm surprised no-one else has addressed this yet


It's ironic that most chicks dig musicians, but I wish he'd focus on his (primary boring) career instead.

sure a lot of chicks dig musicians, but you're not other chicks. Musicians don't seem to mean squat to you and you respect, admire and are attracted to guys who pursue what you consider a "real" career.


I feel pretty insecure abiut it. There are a ton of young hot free hippie chicks who would think my bf is amazing for being in a band. I know all things being equal, he would want me to be one of them.
Is it going to be an issue that I'm not?

i think this is a huge issue for a number of reasons. The first is if he really does wish you were groupie material (which we don't know if he actually does) You are not only not a groupie but seem to have actual disgust for them. You seem to even think lesser of yourself for being associated with these guys and their groupies.

Regardless of whether he actually wants a groupie for a GF or not, you believe he does and thus do not believe you are a match for him.

If this mindset continues, it will not end well.


Another difference is my interests generally don't involve consuming large quantities of alcohol amongst topless women.

You simply do not take his music aspirations seriously as a legitimate pursuit. You have lost a lot of respect for him since seeing this side of him and seeing that this is something he takes seriously. Bad juju here.


.
More thoughts in bold above.
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Old 14th July 2014, 3:02 PM   #20
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Oldshirt, that would be an accurate assessment. Am I willing to live with it? That's what I'm hoping to figure out by seeking feedback from you married folks. Does it sound like a situation that has a good chance of working, assuming we are committed to each other? Or is the discrepancy large enough to cause resentment, fights, or plain old drifting apart?
Marriages that DO have similar passions, goals, dreams, values, priorities etc etc often have resentments, fights and plain old drifting apart.

Your situation here is setting up for resentments, fights and drifting apart on steroids.

There is a reason the other guys have GF s that are supportive and passionate and that is because women that value stability and security and consistent incomes that don't want stoned topless women blowing their BF s every weekend wont give these guys the time of day.

They are the women that share the same interests and passion so they put up with the sporadic income, the rehearsals, the drugs, the women etc.
Most importantly though is they understand and respect their pursuit of a music career and think it is time and energy well spent.

You do not. You think it is frivolous and irresponsible. You not only don't admire it or respect it, you think it is a waste and dumb.

Women can't desire a man they don't respect. And a man can't support, love and cherish a woman that doesn't respect and desire him.

With your current feelings contempt and disgust and feelings that this is a silly and frivolous and immature pursuit, my predictions aren't favorable at all.

That's just me though, others mileage may very.

What I think will be the death toll on this relationship is your values and beliefs on what constitutes a "real" job and what doesn't.

Last edited by oldshirt; 14th July 2014 at 3:10 PM..
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Old 14th July 2014, 3:27 PM   #21
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I'm nt sure where you are picking up disgust/ contempt. I do respect my bf's musical ability. That's not the issue. Not being able to spend quality time as a result of his increasing commitment to it is the issue. I don't think he is making the wrong choice to pick his passion. It's a no brainier as far as I am concerned. I just don't know if I see this relationship progressing within this framework.

My disgust/ contempt is directed at some types of people in the venue. Not the musicians or even the groupies but the (yes, irresponsible) older drug addicts who have no problem bringing their 6 month old child to a festival to sit in a drug circle and pop pills. Yes, that behaivior disgusts me and I am disturbed that my boyfriend does not bat an eye.

Re: whether he wishes I was musician myself. I think he does, because he has said as much. All other things being equal, he wishes he could share that with me. He stressed that most times, all other things are not equal.

Re: "real" jobs. I'd say what constitutes a real job is something that pays the bills. The reality is that jam bands do not. Note he is also in his mid-thirties. By my assessment, if he hasn't "made it" by now, the train is leaving the station.

Last edited by lucy_in_disguise; 14th July 2014 at 3:31 PM..
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Old 14th July 2014, 5:16 PM   #22
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I do respect my bf's musical ability. That's not the issue.



you may respect his ability but are disturbed that he has a higher passion for it than a "real job". I'm not implying that you are mistreating your BF or dissing him intentionally. When I talk of disrespect I mean that you don't hold it in esteem or believe that it is a valid pursuit.


Not being able to spend quality time as a result of his increasing commitment to it is the issue.



he will spend a minimum of 40 hours a week in corporate America and likely much much more if he is to achieve any success but you aren't complaining of that. That is because you respect a 9 to 5 profession and deem it a legitimate pursuits.


I don't think he is making the wrong choice to pick his passion. It's a no brainier as far as I am concerned. I just don't know if I see this relationship progressing within this framework.

that's fair.

I work in the health care profession. If I met and started dating a nurse and after we had developed a relationship, she started pursuing her real passion to be a stripper and ultimately make a lot more money and be doing what she loved. I would feel much the same as you.

I wouldn't have the right to judge or condemn her nor the right to ask her to curtail her passions and dreams for me but I would probably lose respect and admiration for her and seek someone who had what I deem as a more honorable profession.

Your situation is similar. You aren't condemning him nor asking him to put his toys away and stop playing rock star. You are questioning your compatibility of lifestyles and values.


My disgust/ contempt is directed at some types of people in the venue. that's what I meant. However you really can't separate the two. Groupies, drugs, free love, irresponsible parenting etc are all part of that work environment for them and in many ways they have to cater to and accommodate that element.

It will be hard to dislike the druggies, hippies, groupies etc but yet love the person that must entertain and cater to them in their environment.



Yes, that behaivior disgusts me and I am disturbed that my boyfriend does not bat an eye.





that is analogous to me trying to love a stripper but hating the greasy, slimy, perverts that put her paycheck in her g-string.


Re: whether he wishes I was musician myself. I think he does, because he has said as much. All other things being equal, he wishes he could share that with me. He stressed that most times, all other things are not equal.


analogous to a stripper wanting a man who digs strippers and believes the adult entertainment industry is an honorable profession. This would be like a stripper wanting a guy who was either a club owner, Party-Girl agency owner, bouncer or Chippendale himself.

Re: "real" jobs. I'd say what constitutes a real job is something that pays the bills. The reality is that jam bands do not. Note he is also in his mid-thirties. By my assessment, if he hasn't "made it" by now, the train is leaving the station.

i you see this as boys playing with toys playing rock star while they should be climbing to that next rung on the corporate ladder so they can afford to install the granite countertops you've been asking for and get game room converted to the nursery like a responsible husband and father would do.

Again, this is not about different passions and interests. It's about differing values, life priorities etc etc


More above.

I'm not saying you need to kick him to the curb today. You haven't said anything that implies he's not a good guy or has done anything wrong.

However I do think you are starting to see some warning signs that there may be some compatibility issues if you are wanting to lead a traditional 9 to 5 home and family life.
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Old 14th July 2014, 11:10 PM   #23
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Thank you for the feedback! I was hoping to hear from someone with some experience dating musicians and I feel like you have touched on many of the important considerations. Do you have any regrets about marrying your husband related to his career choice?
Not generally. At times I have resented the financial implications. It would certainly be easier if he had a steady paycheck rather than variable income. But since I work in non-profits, I do think that some day he'll make more money than me. (Not from gigging specifically...a musician must have multiple projects in order to succeed unless they hit the jackpot.) Just probably not any time soon.

But I am very very proud of him. He has grown so much as a musician in the time I've known him. Even if we broke up, I think I'd still follow his career. It's important to me to see what he does. I don't attend gigs often, because let's face it, it gets monotonous, so when I do, it's always incredible to see him do new things or play with different people, etc.

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Re: whether he wishes I was musician myself. I think he does, because he has said as much. All other things being equal, he wishes he could share that with me.
H has said a variety of things on this. He does wish he could share it with me. Over the years, we've developed a shorthand analogy of music as a language, since language is my thing and there are a lot of crossovers. This makes it a lot easier for me to understand where he's coming from. It also spawns lots of cool thought and ideas.

He's also told me that he likes that I'm not a musician, so we're not talking shop all the time. He says it helps keep him grounded.

As far as band wives go, I've seen a lot of musicians where the wife/gf was not entirely happy about his career. It never goes well. Usually she demands a lot of his time or requires him to work a 40-hour-a-week job, neither of which really allow enough time to pursue a career in music. This is fine if it's a hobby. But if it's a career, it's not.

As far as attending festivals...remember, he's at work. Does he go with you to your job every day? No. If he worked at a bar, would you be in there every shift drinking and having a good time? I hope not, and I imagine you'd get quite annoying after a while. So you do not have to be at every gig (unless he only plays 3 a year. If that's the case, then yes, you do have to go.)

Last edited by compulsivedancer; 14th July 2014 at 11:13 PM..
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Old 15th July 2014, 1:09 AM   #24
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I know there are several schools of thought when it comes to marriage and common interests. Some relationships are built around a focal shared passion. For others, spending tome together is a priority, and they compromise by getting interested in the others' hobbies.

Then there are relationships like mine. We have a few general interests in common: our taste in movies, working out. But our primary passions, we dont share.

Is this kind of setup sustainable? I think we are both mature enough to recognize one person does not need to fulfill all our needs, but are we settling by being with a partner who does not share our passions? I am sure it's a subjective question, but I am curious what others' experience have been over the long run.

This weekend opened my eyes to the fact that this might be a problem in my relationship. My long-term bfis a musician and lives for music. I accompanied him to a camping music festival this weekend which he was PSYCHED about... And I am disappointed to report, it was decidedly NOT my scene. Don't get me wrong, I like good music, drinking beer, and smoking weed, but in my opinion, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing, and for me, this point occurs somewhere around the 4th hour.

The round the clock jams and overfridndly, fcvked ip hippies annoyed me, not to mention, this festival made me uncomfortable in other ways. People doing drugs in front of children, people getting fcvked up to the point of oblivion on god k ows what, a general lack of teeth amongst the attendees. Someone even od-ed to the point of a coma. I was decidedly NOT enjoying myself, yet this is exactly his scene. He doesnt do drugs but after years of being around people who do, seems desensitized to it, and loves the nonstop music and the (drug induced) friendliness. He was excited telling me about future gigs at similar venues with his band.

Am I lame for holding this against him?mIt's ironic that most chicks dig musicians, but I wish he'd focus on his (primary boring) career instead. Is my lack of interest in his music a deal breaker? I feel pretty insecure abiut it. There are a ton of young hot free hippie chicks who would think my bf is amazing for being in a band. I know all things being equal, he would want me to be one of them. Is it going to be an issue that I'm not?

On the flip side, of course, there are interests I have that he doesn't share. It bugged me at first, but I don't think its a deal breaker, tho i am frequently irritated that i don't have enough time to pursue my interests, due to spending time supporting his. Another difference is my interests generally don't involve consuming large quantities of alcohol amongst topless women.

I have a couple thoughts. The first is that you're not lame for feeling the way you do. Feelings are always valid. It's how you handle them that can be an issue.


I don't think having different passions is the problem here. What makes me doubt the success of your relationship is that you say you're holding it against him - so more than having different passions, it sounds like he has a passion that you think isn't such a good use of his time - *and* you seem to feel you've had to put aside what you love in order to help him pursue this. Sounds like a recipe for resentment if you ask me.


If you're intent on working things out, then I think you might want to consider the following. Your boyfriend loves music and is pursuing it. That's ambitious, and ambition is a desirable quality. So while you may have trouble thinking that he's amazing for being in a band, maybe it's possible for you to think he's amazing for being ambitious enough to, forgive the cliche, follow his dreams. I think the flipside of it is that you need to be sure to keep open communication with him and let him know what makes you uncomfortable (as well as how he can help you feel more comfortable), let him know that you feel you're putting your own interests aside (or figure out a way to bring your focus back to them), and talk with him about how to handle future events.
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Old 15th July 2014, 6:49 AM   #25
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Based on all your posts, OP, IMO the two of you are just not compatible. This goes way beyond a couple who just have different hobbies. He's basically telling you that his band is going to take the majority of his free time, you will come in after his band, and you can take it or leave it. And your concerns about lack of stable income are valid, especially if you plan on having kids (which it sounds like you are).

Frankly, even though my SO and I share some hobbies, if he told me he was going to spend the next 3 weekends doing those hobbies and I had no say in it except as to whether I want to join him or not... I wouldn't be too happy. I'm fine with a man prioritizing his career. I'm not fine with a man prioritizing his hobbies over me - and yes, if he isn't making enough to live on, it's a hobby. It sounds like you are much the same.
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Old 15th July 2014, 7:30 AM   #26
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Based on all your posts, OP, IMO the two of you are just not compatible. This goes way beyond a couple who just have different hobbies. He's basically telling you that his band is going to take the majority of his free time, you will come in after his band, and you can take it or leave it. And your concerns about lack of stable income are valid, especially if you plan on having kids (which it sounds like you are).

Frankly, even though my SO and I share some hobbies, if he told me he was going to spend the next 3 weekends doing those hobbies and I had no say in it except as to whether I want to join him or not... I wouldn't be too happy. I'm fine with a man prioritizing his career. I'm not fine with a man prioritizing his hobbies over me - and yes, if he isn't making enough to live on, it's a hobby. It sounds like you are much the same.
Thanks. This basically sums up my feelings on the matter. In my book, it is a hobby until it pays the bills (I understand some people may think differently). The ways believe he views it is that it's his passion- more than a hobby, and more rewarding/ fulfilling (and thereby in a way more important) than the "real" job- but probably not something that will ever pay the bills. In the absence of children/ other commitments (including a greater level responsibility at work) this attitude is feasible, but I think most people simply don't have the luxury to value an extracurricular this highly.

What I have noticed over the span of this thread is that I get very defensive when someone implies I am seeking someone who is committed to the 9-5. I don't think anyone here has meant that in a negative way, so I am not sure why that is. I guess I have spent enough time within the slice of society that looks down on the pursuit of money. But, I don't think I need to apologize for valuing financial stability over pursuit of passion in my own life. (Actually, my goal is to reconcile the two by having a career that incorporates some of my passions.)

It's not that I believe prioritizing financial stability is the right choice for everyone, but it's a choice I have made for myself on the behalf of my future children, and I want a partner who is on the same page with that.
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Old 15th July 2014, 7:39 AM   #27
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I have decided I am going to I've him the benefit of the doubt, and attempt to have a conversation about this when we have some free time.

My feelings are this. I am able to be supportive... To a point. If he really is attempting to make a career out of this and intends to continue prioritizing it as such... I can't stick around. It is not what I want for my life.

If he views it as a time-intensive hobby, I want to have more say in terms of which gigs he's committing to, since I probably don't want to go, but also dont think it's fair that I spend every weekend alone.

Does that sound like a recipe for a breakup? Probably. But if he wants someone who "gets" it more than i do, he should probably date a musician...
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Old 15th July 2014, 7:51 AM   #28
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I think there has been some very good advice on hear so I won't over egg the pudding.

My thoughts are would you be happy being where you are now in 5 years time? If not then how about 2 years or 3?

A guy I went to school with played in a band when he was 18 and still does now at 50. He's excellent and so are the band. But he has a career/job because the band doesn't pay the money he needs for mortgage, bills etc. It pays pin money.

He loves playing, loves the band, loves his life and makes some cash on the side. Mind you he's never been married and doesn't have children so make of that what you will.

Hope it all works out for you.

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Old 15th July 2014, 8:13 AM   #29
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I have decided I am going to I've him the benefit of the doubt, and attempt to have a conversation about this when we have some free time.

My feelings are this. I am able to be supportive... To a point. If he really is attempting to make a career out of this and intends to continue prioritizing it as such... I can't stick around. It is not what I want for my life.

If he views it as a time-intensive hobby, I want to have more say in terms of which gigs he's committing to, since I probably don't want to go, but also dont think it's fair that I spend every weekend alone.
This sounds fair, and a good idea, to me. Carrying on as you are just sounds like a recipe for resentment down the road. There is no shame in leaving due to incompatibility if a healthy compromise can't be worked out. He isn't wrong, but neither are you. And good on you for making a solid decision about what you will and won't accept in a partner.

Good luck!
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Old 15th July 2014, 8:54 AM   #30
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I have decided I am going to I've him the benefit of the doubt, and attempt to have a conversation about this when we have some free time.

My feelings are this. I am able to be supportive... To a point. If he really is attempting to make a career out of this and intends to continue prioritizing it as such... I can't stick around. It is not what I want for my life.

If he views it as a time-intensive hobby, I want to have more say in terms of which gigs he's committing to, since I probably don't want to go, but also dont think it's fair that I spend every weekend alone.

Does that sound like a recipe for a breakup? Probably. But if he wants someone who "gets" it more than i do, he should probably date a musician...
I think this is fair and reasonable also.

At it's core dating is a noncommited interview and probationary period where we do a variety of things with someone to get to know to determine if that is the person you want to enter into a commitment with and have a home and family with.

If during that interview and probationary period it is determined that you two are not a match and not on the same sheriff of music (no pun intended) either party can end the interview process and move on to another candidate without repercussion.

There is serious question as to your compatibility here and what you describe above sounds like a very reasonable game plan and sounds as if you are looking at things in a wise and realistic manner.
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