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Wife on facebook getting sexual message from new coworker


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Troubled1136

Okay, i remember vaguely a few weeks ago my wife telling me about some new guy at work a few years younger than us (we're 31). I didn't listen entirely (there's always someone new at her job, i can't keep up). His first name was the same as mine, just spelled differently, so it stuck slightly.

 

I then also vaguely remember her texting him to ask him some question at some random point, i'm not sure if it was through facebook or just a cell phone text.

 

Then last night, i picked her up at work, she was waiting outside near her car, no doubt playing with her phone as i was running late from work. I was picking her up to go to a "relay for life" event, that she got me into.

 

While sitting at a tent at the "relay for life", i had her phone and received a text message from this new coworker through facebook, her facebook. Obviously i knew enough that it was a coworker of hers and i recognized his name. It said "Maybe" followed by "Come **** Me." I immediately say something to her and she says he must be drunk, thinking that he messaged someone else.

 

I have to believe my wife. We have, what i thought, was a strong relationship. I give her everything i can. Love, a newly built house, we have a 2 1/2 year old girl we both adore, i buy her everything she wants. I'm the one that is the sex maniac and can't get enough. She's not even close there...so it's not like i'm not trying to please her.

 

So what am i to make of this? I have it in my head that if this really is just a misunderstanding, that she would be more adamant about it. She didn't say anything else about it all night, even though i put the cold shoulder on heavy.

 

I asked her at one point, "there's nothing i should know, right?", she said "of course not."

 

We get back to our home and she falls asleep (we both had about 2 hours of sleep). I login into her facebook from my laptop and see that's he's been "poking" her on facebook at least once a day for the last few weeks. Is this poking thing something people would do to everyone? I'm on facebook, but no pro.

 

Also, i'm savy enough to know that all conversations stay in your chat log. There's only the above message from him to her in it. I know you can click a setting to clear the history. I check his cell phone, which she appears to have on her phone and i also see no messages. So either she's deleting them or they've never messaged each other through facebook.

 

Should i be waking her up and confronting her? This is not even in the realm of something i'd think she'd partake in. But am i just being paranoid?

 

Thank you for any responses. This is no joke.

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No. He wasn't drunk dialing. He was on Facebook answering your wife's questions!!! Your being played!!! But now, your wife knows so she deleting the evidence. Look up apps that will bring up deleted texts and FB messages.

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Quiet Storm

I'm sorry, but I think you've only found the tip of the iceberg.

 

Try to mentally prepare yourself. Unfortunately, buying her a house and being good to her doesnt change a persons bad boundaries or poor character. She should be protecting your marriage.

 

He probably sees your wife as easy sex and thinks you are a dumb chump. His message to her says it all. She is enjoying that kind of talk from him. He wouldn't just send that unsolicited.

 

Know that this isnt about you. Its all her. If she isnt happy being married, there are options besides cheating. Its normal for married people to feel attracted to other people sometimes. But instead of avoiding him and telling him to get lost, she reciprocated. She has no respect for your marriage or your little family. I'm sorry, you and your daughter deserve better.

 

You need to make it clear that this will not be tolerated. You are accepting her explanations, when you should be saying "I'm not stupid. Please have more respect for me than to tell me these lies. I will not tolerate this disrespect.". She is hoping you will just accept her explanation and let it go.

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Poppygoodwill

I'm sorry to say that it is incredibly unlikely that his text was a random mistake. The fact that they're even on FB as friends I find a bit odd, given that he's new to her work. Still, it's all only circumstantial, but I"m afraid it bears your vigilance.

 

She will of course deny that have anything to worry about. She might not even have admitted it yet to herself. He may be trying to seduce her and she is trying to keep him at arm's length, while also perhaps being flattered and trying to establish the boundaries for herself.

 

While there is no excuse for disloyalty, I think it's worth remembering that women *are* socialized not to kick up a huge fuss but to try to manage the advances of men to avoid escalation.

 

That might look like mixed messages from the outside, but for us it often means not telling a guy to go to hell, but trying to deflect advances and send more subtle signals that they are not welcome.

 

What I'm saying is: if this is entirely unexpected, then let's give your wife the benefit of the doubt that is it not the worst case scenario.

 

Stay attentive, talk to her about your concerns, see how it goes.

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That message "come **** me" is way to explicit to be sent randomly to a co-worker.

 

Your a guy, no man sends a message like that unless at the very least he's been given the big come on. The minimum is she is seriously flirting with him. Don't believe me? Go into work on Monday and email that message to an attractive co-worker and watch the s**t storm.

 

Your wife wouldn't have an affair because she has a young daughter and a new house? Sorry people have affairs all the time in any circumstance.

 

You need to get this fact into your head right now, your wife at the very least is having an EA with a co-worker. More likely she's sleeping with him. Sorry buddy.

 

Go to a private eye and let them get the proof. BTW she's deleted all the phone and FB messages.

 

Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it is what it is.

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Quiet Storm

 

While there is no excuse for disloyalty, I think it's worth remembering that women *are* socialized not to kick up a huge fuss but to try to manage the advances of men to avoid escalation.

 

That might look like mixed messages from the outside, but for us it often means not telling a guy to go to hell, but trying to deflect advances and send more subtle signals that they are not welcome.

 

"Come **** Me"

 

It can only mean two things, IMO.

 

Some new guy at work isn't going to just go from "Hi Nice to meet you" to "come **** me" without some kind of encouragement.

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While sitting at a tent at the "relay for life", i had her phone and received a text message from this new coworker through facebook, her facebook. Obviously i knew enough that it was a coworker of hers and i recognized his name. It said "Maybe" followed by "Come **** Me." I immediately say something to her and she says he must be drunk, thinking that he messaged someone else.

 

I have to believe my wife.

 

Two things immediately:

 

1). Why wasn't your wife outraged? Wouldn't you expect her to find his text offensive, demeaning and disrespectful to your marriage?

 

2). Why didn't you set this ass*ole straight? If you believe your wife that this was accidental, it's still like having someone sh*t on your lawn. I'd have a few things to say...

 

Mr. Lucky

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It is extremely suspicious that she is so calm about it and did not text him back saying that that's inappropriate. I don't think I would be able to trust in this case.

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I agree with the others. a coworker would not send a message in writing that graphic without getting the green light beforehand. Having a message like that in writing would be a total smoking gun to take to HR as rock-solid proof of sexual harassment. For him to send that message, he would have to be assured beforehand that it was welcomed and consenting.

 

 

They are having some form of affair to one degree or another.

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Maybe? Refers to an answer she must have asked him. A question sexual in nature that he answered with his other response "come @@@ me".

 

Your wife participated...and she did it enough to have some new dude comfortable enough to demand sex from your wife!

 

You should be furious. Furious with her and furious with him.

 

Start doing something - something that shows her you know she's cheating.

 

And don't believe she's innocent. She knew exactly why he responded... She was flirting with him.

 

Your wife has poor boundaries and you need to get your info to find out what she's really been doing.

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Troubled1136

Just thought I needed to give an update on things. First off, I'm 100% sure that my wife has not cheated on me or has even used inappropriate language in a text message.

 

 

I know the evidence appears damning, but I'm able to believe her when she says that what she thought she had with him was just a friendship. At least, that is what she thought. If you've ever been in true love and really know your partner in life, then you could go along with what I'm saying/feeling. For the rest of you, I can easily understand why you wouldn't believe her.

 

 

My wife is very naïve and gullible in thinking that everyone she knows or meets is unable to have bad thoughts/actions. She simply thought that this "poking" back and forth was a innocent game, almost like tag, you're it.

 

What I got most upset with her about was that she almost defended him or believed him right away with his excuse until I had to break it down for her that for him to "accidentally" pick her out of all his friends on facebook to send this message to, was no accident. And then for him to say what he did, was obviously no minor thing as well. His response back to her was what she predicted, "I was drunk." Not "I'm horribly sorry and embarrassed", just drunk.

 

 

She has explained all of this to her office manager, who is actually a good friend of hers and mine. Of course this friend/manager had the same exact thoughts I did, in that this is not appropriate, for him and for her. She said I had every right to be upset and believe she was doing something behind my back.

 

 

I thank you all for your responses, I actually read them to her one at a time to defend that I'm not just some overprotective husband. She cried harder and harder with every response you all gave, that I read to her. She understands now that what she was doing, was leading him to believe that maybe she liked him in a way she didn't, by being too nice (which she always is, too nice to a fault).

 

 

To the people that will call me an idiot and who will say, "good luck down the road when you find out she slept with him or someone else" or "good luck with your future divorce" etc., again...I understand. When I was able to step back and look at things, and look at what my wife and I have and look deep into her face, I knew what happened was what she said happened. I welcome anymore responses as well. Negative, or positive.

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Did she show you all the messages to him? What was the question that resulted in a "maybe" response? Were they chatting during work hours?

 

I'm not trying to bust your balls, but it appears you two can recover from this. Maybe a *boundaries* talk is in order?

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Salvatore85

I've been in real love and refused to trust my instincts and listened to all of her excuses instead of going with the most obvious answer. I paid dearly for doing so and I hope the same doesn't happen to you...

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What was the exact question your wife had asked that he responded to with "Maybe"?

 

She asked him something sexual. That lead to him demanding sex.

 

If she denies that part - she's lying.

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Poppygoodwill

I disagree....it's entirely possible for a guy to send a random text like that and not have it provoked by her. Usually it's from a guy who has been pretending to be friends in order to get close and just look for his chance to come on to her. Especially if he's a bit of a loser who lacks the courage of his (sober) convictions. He'll wait until he's drunk and send a stupid text and then think he can blame it on the booze if he discovers - surprise surprise - that it's unwelcome.

 

I have been surprised by these sorts of out of the blue advances from guys I thought I was just friends with. I"m sure most women on here have, at least once.

 

I'm glad the OP feels that he can trust his wife on this one. That's great to hear. Also nice ot know that he used us to help her see the error of her ways; we're useful!! :-) Still - best keep one eye on that guy lest he think he can take another crack at her.

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She simply thought that this "poking" back and forth was a innocent game, almost like tag, you're it.

Have you seen these texts (hope they weren't deleted, even bigger red flag)? I'm curious what "poking back and forth" consists of :confused: ???

 

J She understands now that what she was doing, was leading him to believe that maybe she liked him in a way she didn't, by being too nice (which she always is, too nice to a fault).

This plus sexual innuendo is flirting. While you may have nipped this relationship in the bud, it doesn't feel as innocent as you're making it out to be...

 

Mr. Lucky

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She needs to block him on her phone and on her FB.

 

You say that she is too nice to everybody, and lots of girls are raised to believe they're mean if they say "no" or protect themselves. Maybe she would understand that this isn't really being "nice." It's prolonging a destructive dance.

 

I'm also wondering why the office manager didn't do anything about this. To me, it seems that your wife has made an HR report. Why isn't anyone telling this guy to knock it off right now?

Edited by BlueIris
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Quiet Storm

I believe in doing everything possible to keep marriages together, and I understand feeling deeply connected to your spouse, as I feel the same with my husband. I just think what she said doesn't make sense.

 

No matter how deep your love is, or how genuine she seems, or how naive she is , it just doesn't make sense. The maybe comment is a response to a previous question, and telling her employer makes absolutely no sense. She is going to tell her boss when she has been poking him on facebook? Even if she had innocent intentions, she understands now that those pokes were flirts. So why open that can of worms and risk your boss judging you - all over an accidental drunken text?

 

I wouldn't just accept that answer. I'd want to get to the bottom of it because I dont think you can have a genuine, intimate connection with secrets. If her explanation honestly does make sense to you, then trust that. But sometimes we subconsciously minimize or rationalize painful things because we aren't ready for the truth yet. I hope that your assessment is correct, but if it were my marriage I think it would warrant further exploration.

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todreaminblue

As far as poking goes i dont poke people on facebook unless they poke me i poke back and i mean nothing by it other than a return poke...lol...i am sure people who poke me also do it in a manner that is just friendly.....

 

 

 

the messages hwoever are inappropriate on your wifes behalf to ignore what he has said....she should delete him off face book and tell him that she is married and she will not tolerate disrespect towards her or you for that matter and making sexual innuendo is a huge no go zone....its isnt cute to have your husband disprespected that you could be balse abotu it, i would be extremely fast to nip this in the bud.....cutting if i had to ....from all contact and blocked... nor is it something to be brushed off...firm quick actions and thoughts need to be expressed do not let it slide.......thats my opinion anyway...drunk or not it was inappropriate.....deb

Edited by todreaminblue
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Here are some thoughts:

 

1. If you have not learned anything from this site, it is that women can be ridiculously good at deceiving and manipulating the men in their lives.

 

2. There is not just one bad sign here, but several. We can all overlook one thing, but so many.

 

3. It is irrelevant how "naive" she is. What matters is that she is putting out signals, engaging in behaviors and making herself available to other men. Period. That does not mean sexually, but let's be honest - what women who has had a baby does not get how sex works? It is insulting to read the follow up. Crying? Really?

 

4. Google "signs of cheating" or "signs that she WILL cheat" or "signs that she is cheating" or all three. Look at several links and get an idea of the signs of infidelity. If she is showing more than 1-2 things in those lists, coupled with this, it is damned near guaranteed that she is or has had sex with this guy.

 

I am sorry for you. I hope that we are all wrong about this, but like someone else said - prepare yourself. You are in for a rough ride brother.

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If or since your wife is completely THAT naive - is she willing to get intensive counseling to relearn what appropriate behavior looks like?

 

Seriously, a grown woman playing dumb like that - how can she live in the world and not realize she's teasing and manipulating men to feed her ego? She knows!

 

And if she doesn't know she should have learned what is appropriate when she got married.

 

I have a hard time believing it - has she seriously been this infantile throughout your entire relationship?

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It is possible.

 

I don't know how old she is, but when I was raised in the 60's I was raised to be silent and defer. (The Good Girl rule, plus, children are to be seen and not to be heard) When my parents were with other adults, I was not allowed to speak unless one of my parents said I could. But generally, I wasn't allowed in the room so it didn't come up much- haha.

 

But seriously, there are girls and women who have been taught to be nice and never embarrass anyone, cause a fuss, or stand up to people. I have female clients in their 50's and 60's who cry if they have to be confrontational in any way. They just won't and say they can't. It's shameful to them to be treated badly by someone else. So, it is possible that she doesn't know what to do or is overwhelmed by it.

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But he responded "maybe" - so did your wife ask him if he wanted to get together?

 

His response would make sense if she asked to see him.

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lucy_in_disguise

As someone who is probably a little younger and a lot more immature than most posters here, I can say I have gotten similar messages from Facebook "friends" that I rarely talk to. Some i have attributed to casual flirtation / sexual trolling, while others I assumed were not meant for me.

 

There are ppl who enjoy trolling online. Facebook is not immune from being trolled. Contrary to popular belief, it is very much possible to troll your friends. Just open up Facebook and start sending random/ provocative messages.

 

Come to think of it, some of the most random, offensive, and sexual messages that I receive are from someone I previously worked with. I doubt this guy is interested and its been probably 5 years since we spoke. But every now and then, he will message me something explicit/ racist, or just plain out of the blue. I don't take his messages personally, and would hope that bulksiht would never be grounds for someone I love and have been loyal to, leaving me.

 

(the second biggest troll on my friends list is my own brother...)

 

That said, it would help to put this in perspective to know what line of work your wife is in. Is it a good job in a professional environment? If so, I would think the likelihood of this being random trolling or weird one-sided flirtation would be lower.

Edited by lucy_in_disguise
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