DH wants to move out of State to be near his mom

[OneLife2Live]

My DH and I have been M 22 years. We have two adult children. DH mother lives 1200 miles from us for the last 25 years. Dh is an only child.

We lived 90 miles from my parents and siblings first 11 years of our M.

After 11 years of M Dh wanted a D. I moved back to my hometown with our children to be near my family. We reconciled 6 mos later and he moved in with me and our children. Been here for 11 years.

Several months ago my mil told us a good friend of her's put a lot of money in a trust for her and my sfil when friend passes on. Mil said she will buy us another house when the money comes as she doesn't need all of it. Right now we rent a farm house as we can't afford to buy an acreage. I grew up in the country. When I moved back to my hometown I rented a farm house. My plan was to get another horse when I could afford it.

Ever since she told us about the money Dh said he wants to move to where his mom is. He said when we move there we will not be living in the country. Dh told me I might as well give up on my dreams of living in the country or ever having a horse of my own.

So, he wants me to leave my family and give up on my dreams. I know I should support my DH decision to move close to his mom and happily go where he is happy. But I'm not ready to leave my family yet. This man she's inheriting money from can pass away any time. Also, I know that I shouldn't be worried if he decides he wants a D again leaving me 1200 miles from my family. But, it's crossed my mind. He's pretty much told me if I don't want to move there I can stay here and he'll go. Oh, I forgot to mention, he has been looking online at million dollar real estate! We don't need that much of a house! He will not budge on this either. He said that's what he wants and if we can afford it why not. He told me if I can't agree on that much of a house he will move without me.

I don't know how to take this? He wants me to give up on my dreams and if I don't agree to his wants of buying a million dollars dollar home I can stay living near my family. He wants a million dollar house but I can't have a horse or live in a rural area? I wish my mil never told us about the inheritance!

[Mr. Lucky]

Oh, I forgot to mention, he has been looking online at million dollar real estate! We don't need that much of a house! He will not budge on this either. He said that's what he wants and if we can afford it why not. He told me if I can't agree on that much of a house he will move without me.

I don't know how to take this? He wants me to give up on my dreams and if I don't agree to his wants of buying a million dollars dollar home I can stay living near my family. He wants a million dollar house but I can't have a horse or live in a rural area? I wish my mil never told us about the inheritance!

Is the money your MIL is passing through to him enough to pay cash for a seven figure home? And even if there isn't a mortgage, there's still taxes, insurance, repairs, maintenance, utilities, etc. so could still be expensive.

 

How about a small second or vacation home there? As a couple you could split your time, he could at times go solo and other family members could use. Might be a good compromise that allows both of you to get what you want...

 

Mr. Lucky

[OneLife2Live]

Thank you Mr. Lucky for you're advice.

I did talk to him about buying a vacation home there that wasn't so expensive and also having a reasonable priced home where we live now but he still insist on the seven figure one. He wants there to be enough room for us to have family and friends come stay with us without having them stay in a hotel. He told me if she gives us half of the inheritance it will pay for the house and we could live off the interest of the remaining amount.

 

I don't know how much my mil is willing to share with us at this point. She knows he is looking at houses online and the price but all she said is " It doesn't cost anything to dream. "

 

I looked online at real estate there. I found a nice home for $800,000. Still more than what we need. But, it was more rural and was zoned for horses and came with stables. When I showed him all he said was "You're never going to give up on having a horse are you?" Then proceeded to complain about what he didn't like about it. I don't want neighbors right next door. Our closet one now is a mile away and that's the way I like it.

 

I have a feeling this inheritance is going to be the end of our marriage. He refuses to listen to me that we don't need that expensive of a house. I don't want to shatter his dreams but I'm trying to be realistic.

[Grumpybutfun]

This woman could be telling your mom lies, have dementia or a number of things. You are planning a move based on words which may or may not be true. Do nothing until you verify the paperwork and get his mothers house purchase promise in writing. This sounds like wishful thinking as trusts are usually reserved for family members and your Hs mom is not her family. They usually also come with stipulations or family members suing each other for money. This sounds bizarre and your husband is not being pragmatic or logical.

Honestly, you need to live and be where you want to be. He will need a place to come home to when this farce falls through due to delusion, family infighting or money mismanagement.

Good luck,

Grumps

[d0nnivain]

Even if your MIL's friend was telling the truth & this person put "a lot" of money in trust for your MIL, you don't know what "a lot" is. Even if it is $1M there will be inheritance taxes etc. You don't know the terms of the trust. You may only get a little at a time. The person can change their mind before they die. The upkeep costs on a million dollar house are high -- taxes, insurance, heat, AC etc. If the inheritance goes to your MIL 1st, she probably needs to consult a elder care planning attorney to make sure that her giving $$$ to your husband doesn't trigger look back periods & therefore prevent her from getting appropriate long term care when the time comes.

 

Nobody seems to be looking at the big picture here.

 

You need to sit your DH down & have a talk about priorities. If he wants to move by his mom because she's in failing health that may be one thing. Just to get $$$ is a bit distasteful.

 

Talk about a way to compromise on the dreams. If you move, would you be open to getting a horse & stabling it nearby? Could you get a moderate country house in your rural area & an apartment in the "city" then spend weekends & vacation in the country?

[OneLife2Live]

This woman could be telling your mom lies, have dementia or a number of things. You are planning a move based on words which may or may not be true. Do nothing until you verify the paperwork and get his mothers house purchase promise in writing. This sounds like wishful thinking as trusts are usually reserved for family members and your Hs mom is not her family. They usually also come with stipulations or family members suing each other for money. This sounds bizarre and your husband is not being pragmatic or logical.

Honestly, you need to live and be where you want to be. He will need a place to come home to when this farce falls through due to delusion, family infighting or money mismanagement.

Good luck,

Grumps

Thanks Grumps for your reply. The friend is an elderly gentleman. I have met him. He doesn't have dementia or any other serious health issues that I know off. He is a widower. He has one child that will also being getting a trust and so will his grandkids. He has no other close family alive.

My inlaws have already signed all the legal documents for the trust.

I don't think dh mom is too thrilled he's wanting a seven figure home. When he first told her she looked at him like he was nuts.

I can't talk to him about this as he refuses to listen and becomes upset. So, while he was at work I texted him my feelings. I told him that I would move there with him but asked if we could buy something rural and not have neighbors right next door. To make this short, he said no. He knows what he wants and that he is going to pick out the house he wants. But, I would be the one to pick out the furnishing and home decor. So, me being the smart ass I am asked if I could build a 10 foot sound proof fence around the house to drown out the sound of the neighbors. He texted back maybe I need to stay where we are.

He pretty much said I don't get a say of where we move. It's not just about the horse. It's about living where I want to and that's not in the city. He wants to live in a gated community, I don't. He refuses to budge on this. He said last night that it looks like when the time comes for the inheritance we will no longer be together. He said it saddens him we wont be together in the future. Guess if a house is more important than our marriage then maybe we should just get divorced.

[OneLife2Live]

Even if your MIL's friend was telling the truth & this person put "a lot" of money in trust for your MIL, you don't know what "a lot" is. Even if it is $1M there will be inheritance taxes etc. You don't know the terms of the trust. You may only get a little at a time. The person can change their mind before they die. The upkeep costs on a million dollar house are high -- taxes, insurance, heat, AC etc. If the inheritance goes to your MIL 1st, she probably needs to consult a elder care planning attorney to make sure that her giving $$$ to your husband doesn't trigger look back periods & therefore prevent her from getting appropriate long term care when the time comes.

 

Nobody seems to be looking at the big picture here.

 

You need to sit your DH down & have a talk about priorities. If he wants to move by his mom because she's in failing health that may be one thing. Just to get $$$ is a bit distasteful.

 

Talk about a way to compromise on the dreams. If you move, would you be open to getting a horse & stabling it nearby? Could you get a moderate country house in your rural area & an apartment in the "city" then spend weekends & vacation in the country?

Thanks for reply. Oh, I know how much it is, just rather not say.

I'm the only one looking at the big picture, he isn't. He's obsessed looking at real estate there. I am a live day by day person. Yes, I think about the future since I found out about the money but I don't obsess about it. I'd be happy in a $200-$300,000 house in the country.

His mom is very healthy so that is not the reason for wanting to be near her. He wants to get away from the cold winters and all the damn tornados and be closer to his mom. The money would make that possible.

I refuse to live in town. We did the first 11 years of our marriage and hated it. I'm a country girl. I told dh that I don't want to be in a community surrounded be wealthy, stuck up neighbors. Not saying all wealthy people are that way, but the ones around here are. It's not an environment I would be happy with.

As for the horse and boarding it elsewhere, BTDT and will not do it again. Long story.

I found a rural house with a place for a horse that was $200,000 less than what he wantd. Still will not budge because it's not what he picked out and it's not in a gated community.

Looks like the house of his dreams is more important than our marriage. He refuses to compromise on anything. I didn't get any say on the first house we bought, why would the next one be any different.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

He sounds like a selfish *******.

 

I say let him pack his **** and get out.

[OneLife2Live]

He sounds like a selfish *******.

 

I say let him pack his **** and get out.

 

Exactly Daisy! It's either his way or no way. I don't get a say in anything but the furnishing and the decor???? That's messed up!

 

I have been giving this a lot of thought the last couple of days and I have came to the conclusion that if he feels that strongly about having a certain house in a certain area that I must not be that important to him. I love him, but obviously he doesn't love me enough to put me before a house.

 

I am willing to move 1200 miles from my family and friends but he can't compromise on where we live? I don't get it. I guess he can go find someone else that has the same dreams he has. This maybe wrong to say but I hope the woman he finds is materialist and expects him to buy all sorts of expensive things.

[SJS]

I'm confused. If you're renting now because you can't afford acreage, how will you (he) afford a million dollar home after you move but don't have the inheritance yet?

 

 

The way I'm reading it, you're being as stubborn as he is. You don't want to move away from your family (stated in your OP, even though you've been relatively close to them for 22 years), you won't live in town or even a subdivision, and you have to have horses.

 

 

Sounds like you already made up your mind.

[OneLife2Live]

I'm confused. If you're renting now because you can't afford acreage, how will you (he) afford a million dollar home after you move but don't have the inheritance yet?

 

 

The way I'm reading it, you're being as stubborn as he is. You don't want to move away from your family (stated in your OP, even though you've been relatively close to them for 22 years), you won't live in town or even a subdivision, and you have to have horses.

 

 

Sounds like you already made up your mind.

Did you read all all my replies to other posters? If not, I did mention that we (he) will not be able to move until he gets the inheritance. You knows when that will be. But, dh has been looking at real estate near his mom since he found out about it. He's only looking for fun and what is all there for housing. It could be 5-10 years before his mom gets it.

 

I guess I'm selfish then. If he wants me to leave my family and friends, not let me have any choice where we live, then ya, I'm selfish.

[melodymatters]

Wow, it seems that many a cart are being put before the horses ! First of all, as far as I know, as long as someone is still alive, they can change the terms of any trusts they previously set up. Secondly, it doesn't sound like you and your husband are even friends, you haven't mentioned one good thing about him or your marriage yet you're both ready to divorce over a house that MIGHT be purchased 10 years from now ?

 

It sounds like there are a lot of other issues at play, and you are both using this, thus far imaginary, house to act out your marital problems.

[FitChick]

I'd consult a divorce attorney and ask if any of that inheritance would become community property in a divorce. Usually, an inheritance belongs to the person getting it and not to the spouse. In that case, get a divorce now. He will move far away and you will be done with him.

[SJS]

Did you read all all my replies to other posters? If not, I did mention that we (he) will not be able to move until he gets the inheritance. You knows when that will be. But, dh has been looking at real estate near his mom since he found out about it. He's only looking for fun and what is all there for housing. It could be 5-10 years before his mom gets it.

 

I guess I'm selfish then. If he wants me to leave my family and friends, not let me have any choice where we live, then ya, I'm selfish.

 

If it's not something that may even happen in the near future, or at all, why are you freaking out about it now then? In ten years you both may have changed your minds several times over by then.

 

Like I said, it sounds like you already made up your mind. And you're just looking for validation.

[OneLife2Live]

Wow, it seems that many a cart are being put before the horses ! First of all, as far as I know, as long as someone is still alive, they can change the terms of any trusts they previously set up. Secondly, it doesn't sound like you and your husband are even friends, you haven't mentioned one good thing about him or your marriage yet you're both ready to divorce over a house that MIGHT be purchased 10 years from now ?

 

It sounds like there are a lot of other issues at play, and you are both using this, thus far imaginary, house to act out your marital problems.

 

Melody, yep, what you said is true. My dh is sooooo obsessed about the thought of this damn money! It's not only the house he has been talking about getting but also the cars he wants to buy, the guns, the safe for the guns, the vacations, I could go on. When he told my family and friends all this they just look at him like he's gone mad. He dreams big.

 

You're right, I haven't mentioned much about our M. Didn't really want to go into all that since no one mentioned it. But, since you did, I will tell you it's not a very strong marriage. The reason why he wanted a D 11 years ago is because he had an A. A month after I moved back to my hometown he called and wanted to R. Before his A our marriage was a mess. A lot of fighting. He was never home to help me raise our children. He was always gone drinking with his friends. I finally put my foot down and told him I wasn't putting up with it anymore. He stopped drinking and things got better. Six months later, he had an A and left me for her. When we got back together I told him before we make it official he would need to seek counseling for his anger. He did. About a year later it went to crap again. So, no, our marriage is not the best. I do love him but honestly don't want to risk moving 1200 miles from my family for us to continue to have problems. I don't think having money will end them like he seems to think it will. In fact, I think it will make it worse the more I think about it for the last couple of days.

[OneLife2Live]

If it's not something that may even happen in the near future, or at all, why are you freaking out about it now then? In ten years you both may have changed your minds several times over by then.

 

Like I said, it sounds like you already made up your mind. And you're just looking for validation.

 

Maybe that's what I am doing. Hell I don't know anymore. A part of me wants to go with him, the other doesn't want to. I guess I'm tired of him always talking about this damn money all the time.

If you read my above post you will get more info about our M and maybe you will get more of an idea why I feel the way I do.

[Mr. Lucky]

When he told my family and friends all this they just look at him like he's gone mad. He dreams big.

Dreams are goals that, by their own intrinsic valve, motivate us to put in the hard work necessary to make them come true.

 

Sorry to say, what your husband has are delusions...

 

Mr. Lucky

[OneLife2Live]

I'd consult a divorce attorney and ask if any of that inheritance would become community property in a divorce. Usually, an inheritance belongs to the person getting it and not to the spouse. In that case, get a divorce now. He will move far away and you will be done with him.

 

Sorry FC, just seen your reply. The money wouldn't even actually be going to my DH, but his mom. Since she is alive he wouldn't get any unless she chooses to. Which, I know she will. But, the tables could turn, she may pass away before the guy who's willing it to her. Hope not, but it could happen. Idk if the guy would transfer the trust to dh or his step dad.

 

I'm not miserable in my M, I still love my DH. Do I like his anger outburst, no, but I walk away and let him stew. When I come back, he's calmed down. He's not always an ass. He's done a lot for me. But, do I think it's fair of him to tell me I have no say in purchasing a house with him? No, I don't.

[OneLife2Live]

Dreams are goals that, by their own intrinsic valve, motivate us to put in the hard work necessary to make them come true.

 

Sorry to say, what your husband has are delusions...

 

Mr. Lucky

Yep! You can say that again! In away I can understand why he's delusional when your mother tells you how much money she is going to inherit some day. I don't think of buying classic muscle cars, corvette, a Viper, the list goes on, like he does. I'd like to own a newer Challenger when my Charger is paid off. But, I'm not going to think or talk about it all the time. If I can afford it great, if I can't, life goes on.