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My husband wont initiate sex


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I have been with my husband a little over 2 yrs (we are in our mid 40's), when we first got together, he couldn't get my clothes off fast enough, he wanted and got sex everyday, I never turned him down, now I cant get him to initiate sex with me. I ALWAYS have to do it, once I get him going he never tells me know and the sex is still amazing every time and he agrees, he says that its always so intense and he loves our sex life, nothing is off limits either, we have a spicy sex life once I get him going. I have tried not initiating thinking he would eventually do it and after over 2 weeks, I couldn't stand it and I initiated again. I also give him oral sex and hand jobs all the time and he very rarely returns the favor unless I ask him to do it, ( I havent gained weight either) he NEVER has to ask I'm always willing, yet he has made the comment that he should never have to ask for either one I should just do it for him, but when I say the same should be for me he agrees but still nothing. I make sure that things are the way he likes it down there as well, every day I shower a second time before he gets home, I have not let myself go either. We will be sitting watching TV and I will just go over and start giving to him without being asked, again he gets a blow job almost every other day without him asking me to do so. He will give me oral if I ask but if I dont ask I dont get it. I'm starting to feel unwanted and undesired and I want to change this I just dont know what to do. Any suggestions please.

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Ask him why he stopped initiating.

 

Ask him to start initiating more because it would help you feel more sexy.

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I have asked him why he dont initiate and he said he didnt realize he wasn't, and when I tell him how it hurts me that I feel unwanted etc, he does make some effort for a small amount of time, and I tell him how wonderful it was that he did it and how sexy and desired I feel afterwards, but after a few days he stops again going right back to where we were to begin with.

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I'd love to but he wont do it unless I initiate. I dont want him to do it every time just once in a while would be nice.

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Have you tried holding off on anything sexual for a couple weeks?

 

 

I ask this because sometimes a man just needs to let his body and hormones replenish over time. Constant sex or orgasms makes men less interested in sex as compared to when its been a while ( a week for me ) and the urge is spilling over into unclntrallable desire.

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Smilecharmer

Men like a little chase so you doing the chasing all the time emasculated him. Let him rest.

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I did try that I waited just over 2 weeks and still nothing from him, I couldn't stand it any longer so I caved and his comment was "We need to do that more often" and I said, "well, why didnt you initiate it then, I would never tell you no, you know I always want you" And to that I got nothing.

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Smilecharmer

Have his testosterone checked...he needs to see his doctor. You can try spicing it up but two years is pretty soon for staleness unless he is a porn star.

Have you just told him straightforwardly what you need for intimacy?

 

Sit him down and say in order to feel connected and desired I need you to initiate sex with me four times a week and I will initiate four times also. Do you want to initiate weekdays or weekends?

 

This is how my husband taught me to get what I want. Ask for what I want, be specific in numbers or times and give an option to make him feel he gets a say.

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I will try that, i have told him what I want and need and like I said it works for a short period of time, but I dont get that specific maybe thats what I need to do. We do keep it pretty spicy its never routine, I do dress up for him especially when we go out, but I still do when we stay home too.

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I have been with my husband a little over 2 yrs (we are in our mid 40's), when we first got together, he couldn't get my clothes off fast enough, he wanted and got sex everyday, I never turned him down, now I cant get him to initiate sex with me. I ALWAYS have to do it, once I get him going he never tells me know and the sex is still amazing every time and he agrees, he says that its always so intense and he loves our sex life, nothing is off limits either, we have a spicy sex life once I get him going. I have tried not initiating thinking he would eventually do it and after over 2 weeks, I couldn't stand it and I initiated again. I also give him oral sex and hand jobs all the time and he very rarely returns the favor unless I ask him to do it, ( I havent gained weight either) he NEVER has to ask I'm always willing, yet he has made the comment that he should never have to ask for either one I should just do it for him, but when I say the same should be for me he agrees but still nothing. I make sure that things are the way he likes it down there as well, every day I shower a second time before he gets home, I have not let myself go either. We will be sitting watching TV and I will just go over and start giving to him without being asked, again he gets a blow job almost every other day without him asking me to do so. He will give me oral if I ask but if I dont ask I dont get it. I'm starting to feel unwanted and undesired and I want to change this I just dont know what to do. Any suggestions please.

 

The good thing is that at least you still enjoy one another. Not that it lessens your feelings. Not sure what the main issue is here to be honest. It may be that he is getting older and that his drive is just not what it used to be. Or, perhaps he has gotten comfortable since he still gets sex without having to initiate it.

 

I do think he is still into you. Based on all you have offered. But, the issue of you not feeling desirable does need to keep being addressed going forward. Whether he feels it is an issue or not, you do. That is all which happens to matter.

 

So, if talking to him does not work, perhaps not initiating as much might be a possibility. You cannot possibly miss what is actually not taken away.

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The only way I do get anything is by asking, and I dont want to have to ask nor should I have to ask every time.

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First off let me say that if am very envious of him. He is one lucky SOB!!! ;-)

 

 

As he complies when you initiate and a good time is had by all when you do have sex, I'd say he's just gotten lazy. He doesn't initiate or romance you or seduce you or go all caveman and carry you to the bedroom because he doesn't have to.

 

Your sex drive is probably a little higher than his and he knows it's just a matter of time before you'll be coming on to him. He doesn't have to lift a finger or work for it in any way.

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Have his testosterone checked...he needs to see his doctor. You can try spicing it up but two years is pretty soon for staleness unless he is a porn star.

Have you just told him straightforwardly what you need for intimacy?

 

Sit him down and say in order to feel connected and desired I need you to initiate sex with me four times a week and I will initiate four times also. Do you want to initiate weekdays or weekends?

 

This is how my husband taught me to get what I want. Ask for what I want, be specific in numbers or times and give an option to make him feel he gets a say.

 

With all due respect, keeping a scorecard is absolutely not necessary. Not in all cases, at least. It can actually even have a reverse effect by making things so technical. Not that you cannot plan to have some fun on those special occasions. Nor, should one person always have to be the only one to initiate. It's just best perhaps when all is in the moment.

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Its not about keeping score, I want to feel wanted and desired again, him not initiating is taking its toll, if your SO never approached you and never made you feel wanted or sexy or anything it wouldnt feel very good after a while, it wears down on your psyche and makes you second guess if there is something wrong with you.

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Smilecharmer
With all due respect, keeping a scorecard is absolutely not necessary. Not in all cases, at least. It can actually even have a reverse effect by making things so technical. Not that you cannot plan to have some fun on those special occasions. Nor, should one person always have to be the only one to initiate. It's just best perhaps when all is in the moment.

 

With all due respect, she tried that. Some men, my husband for one, likes when I tell him exactly what and how often I need something from him because he loves me and wants us both to be satisfied and happy.

She waited for him to initiate and he doesn't but she knows he loves the sex, so if it isn't testosterone or health related, he is just being lazy and needs goals.

It isn't a scorecard but a template for success. If he feels weird about planning sex, he probably shouldn't have became complacent. This is why so many men get on here and say I didn't know anything was wrong because people think planning isn't romantic. Well, it is much more romantic than his wife feeling not wanted, neglected and horny all the time.

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With all due respect, she tried that. Some men, my husband for one, likes when I tell him exactly what and how often I need something from him because he loves me and wants us both to be satisfied and happy.

She waited for him to initiate and he doesn't but she knows he loves the sex, so if it isn't testosterone or health related, he is just being lazy and needs goals.

It isn't a scorecard but a template for success. If he feels weird about planning sex, he probably shouldn't have became complacent. This is why so many men get on here and say I didn't know anything was wrong because people think planning isn't romantic. Well, it is much more romantic than his wife feeling not wanted, neglected and horny all the time.

 

Then again, I think that she tried to wait once. Unless, I maybe missed something. Being persistent and patient can have it's rewards.

 

Planning provides a great pathway to success. It also is smart to be organized. But, I have found that when it comes to the passionate arts, trying to be too proactive is a possible recipe for disaster. Not in every single case, necessarily. I am thrilled that things work for you and your husband!

 

Planning can be rather romantic. The thing is that things should also sometimes happen naturally. It is fun to get lost in the moment. Sex and love should be less about thinking and more about feeling.

 

It is definitely important to have open communication at all times. She should let him know that this is not working on her end. Not good that she should feel not wanted, neglected, and horny.

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Smilecharmer
Then again, I think that she tried to wait once. Unless, I maybe missed something. Being persistent and patient can have it's rewards.

 

Planning provides a great pathway to success. It also is smart to be organized. But, I have found that when it comes to the passionate arts, trying to be too proactive is a possible recipe for disaster. Not in every single case, necessarily. I am thrilled that things work for you and your husband!

 

Planning can be rather romantic. The thing is that things should also sometimes happen naturally. It is fun to get lost in the moment. Sex and love should be less about thinking and more about feeling.

 

It is definitely important to have open communication at all times. She should let him know that this is not working on her end. Not good that she should feel not wanted, neglected, and horny.

 

 

I'm with you. I agree it SHOULD be about feeling, but if initiation by him doesn't happen, if there is no action, then there is nothing for her to feel passionate about unless she just resigns herself to initiate all the time. I have to admit it would hurt me too if my lover never initiated, maybe it is just a female thing and men don't like women who initiate?

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when I was young :D I had a girlfriend who wanted sex all the time... like twice or three times a day... great at the beginning... I loved it, but with time sex just lost its magic... it wasn't exciting any more. I think you can have too much of a good thing. Basically, I was waiting for her to pounce...

 

If you are in your mid-forties, it could also be that he's reached his sexual peak and he is slowing down. A lot of sex when the relationship is new is normal, but then it will just settle down... or maybe he's feeling haunted a bit... I know it's difficult when you have a high drive and you want sex all the time, but slow down a bit and see if things improve...

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I think I'm going to wait him out a bit and see what happens again, last time I finally gave in, he didnt initiate but he did notice because of the comment that he made, and certain things improved for a short time. I am just so damn frustrated, I know sex slows down with time and age, and it dont have to be like it was in the beginning but a little give from him would be nice, honestly I am tired of giving and giving and giving and get very little in return.

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I have to admit it would hurt me too if my lover never initiated, maybe it is just a female thing and men don't like women who initiate?

 

 

I dont think its a case that they dont like women that initiate, when my husband and I first got together, he asked me to be more assertive and initiate more, he wanted me to be more assertive, he said its a big turn on, I listened and because I love him so much, I wanted to make him happy and I went beyond my comfort zone for him. Now the rolls have switched and he never initiates, I have talked to him and things change for a little bit, then right back to nothing.

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I think your first step should be to have him checked out by a Urologist to rule out any medical reason for the lowered sex drive. He could have low testosterone, or he may have a medical condition or be taking medication which negatively affects his sex drive.

 

 

I also agree with the poster who said he may be just getting lazy or bored. If you are initiating sex every day or several times a week, he's gotten conditioned to letting you do all the initiating. You need to turn that scenario around. It may have become a chore for him, if you are asking all the time and he feels required to comply.

 

 

I would say, first rule out a medical reason. Then have a discussion with him about how much you like it when he seduces you, and what he would like on the menu during your lovemaking sessions. In other words, you are helping him be more creative and take a more active role in the lovemaking/seduction. Then talk about frequency, and how often you would like to have sex. You may even learn the art of sensual massage and offer him massages on days that he doesn't initiate sex but you would like it. Very few men would pass up a massage because it feels so good, and that will likely get him in the mood, rather than coming on so strong with him where he feels that now he has to perform.

 

 

Adjust your expectations as well. Sex every day, or even every other day, can make it seem like a chore for some men after awhile. It takes a lot out of a man to have sex (assuming he's not just the one minute man), and as he is middle aged, he may need more time in between sessions to recharge and desire it again. So be patient. Get him to a Urologist, and communicate as I've mentioned above. And if what I've mentioned does not solve the problem, then you may want to consider seeing a therapist who specializes in sex therapy. She will help you with communication and strategies to improve your sexual compatibility.

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I'm with you. I agree it SHOULD be about feeling, but if initiation by him doesn't happen, if there is no action, then there is nothing for her to feel passionate about unless she just resigns herself to initiate all the time. I have to admit it would hurt me too if my lover never initiated, maybe it is just a female thing and men don't like women who initiate?

 

As a man, I have to say that when my girlfriend initiates, it is definitely a huge turn on. Even though the sex is always amazing, it absolutely makes me feel wanted.

 

I think that as the man, it should be our pleasure to make the woman we are lucky enough to be with feel desired. Thus, we should show her how special she is to us. But, part of the issue could be that men and women tend to think differently. As men, we are not always as analytical. Thus, we may not realize that by not initiating intimacy, it could have a huge impact on our partner. So, not that we do not love, just that we do not always show it the correct way. This is what it sounds like in relation to the initial post.

 

No matter what, everything happens in the moment. The initiation should simply be natural and it is a shame that this is not always the case. So, this does suggest that planning is better than not feeling wanted at all.

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I know he loves me I have no doubt, he wouldnt be with me if he didnt, I know that, he tells me he loves me several times a day, and for the most part does little things for me, hes a typical man and dont always notice the small things, but I know he cares. I just need him to show me he wants me like I show him I want him. I just dont want to live the rest of my life feeling like this.

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I know he loves me I have no doubt, he wouldnt be with me if he didnt, I know that, he tells me he loves me several times a day, and for the most part does little things for me, hes a typical man and dont always notice the small things, but I know he cares. I just need him to show me he wants me like I show him I want him. I just dont want to live the rest of my life feeling like this.

 

It is the small things which sometimes mean the most. Telling and showing are two separate things. The bottom line is that if this is an issue for you, he should do all possible to make it better. He is aware of the situation now and can no longer use ignorance as an excuse. Whether or not this is any issue for him, it's one for you. No matter if you decide to wait again or plan out your moments of passion. You have a right to feel desired and wanted.

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