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My husband wont initiate sex

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Old 9th July 2014, 3:46 PM   #31
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: West Michigan
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Thats funny that you mentioned that, before I met my husband I never dressed like that, sexy, he made me feel so great about myself, that I started dressing sexy and omg he noticed big time. I would do that show a little cleavage a little butt and it would drive him nuts. I still dress that way, because I am very secure in who I am, but I dont always get the reaction I used to, unless he notices some other guy notice then he grabs my butt or my boobs and makes it clear I am with him. Every once in a while he will just grab my butt while we are in public, and he shows in other ways he wants me ect. Its just that one area thats driving me nuts. But thank you for the advice.
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Old 10th July 2014, 3:28 PM   #32
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I had that situation once. I love sex, so it made me sad. I whined, tried hard to be even more of a sex kitten, and became a therapist asking " what is upsetting you outside the bedroom? Tell me what I'm doing wrong???? Tell me."

It got worse with the pressure. I upped the number of blow jobs and hand jobs. I got nothing in return for months and months! Great sex, yes, but no real foreplay, and I still initiated every time. I felt undesirable. After a while, I felt mad. Either talk to me or f#ck me!

So I cut him off from bjs and hand jobs. I told him I was into reciprocity. If he touched me, I would touch him. I stopped trying to get his sexual attention. Of course, I continued to look pretty and sexy. I acted completely uninterested in sex. I would even yawn at bedtime and tell him how tired I was. I usually would have jumped on him.

After a week, he made a weak pass at me, but I acted uninterested. Nice, smiley, but not "in the mood." Long story short, he started asking me what I needed to be in the mood. He began to pursue me again.

I tell you this because he knew why I was upset and he wasn't changing his behavior. I stopped trying to fix it. It was up to him. Maybe he needed to chase a bit, or appreciate what he had taken for granted, or communicate with me about a problem with me...but HE needed to do something!

Same with you. You've done your part communicating your needs to him. He needs to do something! That's being a good, responsive partner.

Also, you are no doubt sexy and desirable. Any smart guy knows he needs to make sure his woman feels that way...and knows she is the most desirable woman in the world in his eyes!

Last edited by blueskyday; 10th July 2014 at 3:30 PM..
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Old 10th July 2014, 3:33 PM   #33
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Originally Posted by Meri25 View Post
I have been with my husband a little over 2 yrs (we are in our mid 40's), when we first got together, he couldn't get my clothes off fast enough, he wanted and got sex everyday, I never turned him down, now I cant get him to initiate sex with me.
Walk around the house naked, or buy something really skimpy and cute.

Seriously though, if being very clear that you want him to initiate doesn't work, I don't know... maybe come up with a code word that you could text him to let him know you are in the mood and that he should plan on initiating sex that night?

I also give him oral sex and hand jobs all the time and he very rarely returns the favor unless I ask him to do it, ( I havent gained weight either) he NEVER has to ask I'm always willing, yet he has made the comment that he should never have to ask for either one I should just do it for him, but when I say the same should be for me he agrees but still nothing.
Then you need to ask. Or tell him in a very sexy way during sex to get down there.

Any suggestions please.
- keep communicating
- be blunt about what you want
- enjoy what you have (if you are having great sex but just have to get him started, that's not so bad, and you can choose to be grateful for that!)
Life is full of pain and horrors. And it is also full of beauty and joy. It is up to you what you wish this day to be for you... horrible or beautiful. Your thoughts and feelings in this moment will define this day for you.
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Old 10th July 2014, 3:43 PM   #34
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Someone mentioned it, but there was no follow-up: have him get his testosterone levels checked. Anything under 600 to 700 is low, even if well within "normal" range. Without sufficient T, sex is simply not going to enter his mind very much. Without adequate T, he's not going to think to initiate.
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Old 11th July 2014, 12:47 PM   #35
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Location: West Michigan
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I had a nice long talk with him 2 days ago, I totally stopped initiating, after 4 days of no sex, no oral no nothing, he text me and asked what was up, so I told him, he needs to step up period. I did some investigating and I asked him questions and I found out that he is really frustrated with where we live, we are in West Michigan, and he hates the winters here, he wants to move out of state, he has no family here and I do, and I am not real hip on leaving, I have a 1 yr old granddaughter and my kids and parents that are here and I want to stay here. He didnt want to tell me because he knows that I really dont want to go. Also some meds he is taking are throwing things off as well, he is going to go to the doc to see if he has low T as well and see if they can tweek his meds. However I am happy to say that at least for now the last 2 nights, he has stepped up, I was very blunt with him that he needs to be more aggressive and initiate, I didnt have to tell him I wasnt going to any more until he picked it up, I think he figured it out, when I stopped and he asked me why, and he did initiate sex both nights, and this morning he told me that after we get back from the casino, I'd better watch out, hes feeling a bit frisky again. Its a start, I praised him and told him how fantastic it was and he REALLY needs to keep it up. He did apologize and said he does think about doing it but sometimes I get to it first and sometimes hes just being lazy, The last few times I talked to him about it he would initiate once or twice and thats it, hopefully this time will be better, I havent won the war, but I won a battle.
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Old 28th July 2014, 10:21 AM   #36
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Originally Posted by Meri25 View Post
Its not about keeping score, I want to feel wanted and desired again, him not initiating is taking its toll, if your SO never approached you and never made you feel wanted or sexy or anything it wouldnt feel very good after a while, it wears down on your psyche and makes you second guess if there is something wrong with you.
I understand. My husband has a low sex drive which has gotten lower as he's gotten older and now he really doesn't have too much interest in sex. He often tells me I'm beautiful and sexy but the fact that he doesn't want sex makes me feel very undesirable. I don't feel sexy anymore and have given up on having passion in my life. I'm in my 40's so I guess it isn't so bad. I try and tell myself that that part of my life is over and I need to move on to other activities.

I'm not saying my solution is right for you. You need to figure out what you can and cannot live with and proceed from there.
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