babedoll91 Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 (edited) Okay this might be a really long post, but I need some advice here. Me and my fiancé have been together for a year, we got engaged back on Valentines day. I am 23 and he is 25. We took no time moving in together, I moved 2 1/2 hours away from my parents house this past March for us to live together because his job was out there. So needless to say we had a long distance relationship till then. He pays the bills because I am a college student and he bought our town home for us and etc. We met back in March 2013 and were together for a month, due to personal issues with us (we both just got out of a relationship) we broke up. We started talking that summer again and got back together in August. Well things have been very very rocky. When we started talking again last summer he said some very very horrible things about me to his friends and his mom. He said he was sorry for those things and that he was just mad that we broke up, but it has stuck in my mind. I am not sure if I need to let the past go or what is my deal, but that's what he says that I just need to let it go. I knew about these things, but I still committed to him. Now I am seriously questioning why I did that. I think 50% of the reason why I committed so quick was that he was talking to his mom how much "it bothered him that I wouldn't commit after 2 months of talking to him and hes doing all these things for me and spending all this money on me". and "I don't care to see her but I need the help moving my stuff I guess." when I helped him move with his new job. And other things I will not mention to his friends. Well after I saw all this things I acted very immaturely out of spite. I did something to get him back which I should not have done. I know nothing is perfect and I have forgiven him for all those things, and forgiven each other. Well after I moved in I was super excited about the whole ordeal. Our relationship was great before we moved in together even though we were 1 1/2 hours away from each other. But now it is different. I am a college student, I am full time and do not have a job currently. We have a joint bank account and I think that was a huge mistake. He tells me he wants to know everything I spend on and when I take out money, which is completely pointless because he can see everything I do because he has a banking app with his bank. I feel incompetent and like im being treated like a child when the joint account was his idea cause he wants to take care of me. I am not an overly spender if anything I am more of a penny pincher than he is. As of 2 months ago we have been fighting a lot and I have started to fall into this deep depression and I cant exactly pinpoint why. I went on a trip to my parents and took out 80 dollars to get my dad a gift for fathers day and my brother a gift for his birthday, and to go eat with my friend that lived there. He texted me saying "I wish you wouldn't have taken out 80" I blew up on him. He took back what he said and said he meant that "he wished I would of told him before taking out 80 dollars". We fought about it and it came to a point where he said "F*ck you" to me and I got pissed and said it back. We both said we were sorry but he keeps saying he doesn't see my side of it, and that he had a budget worked out in his head for our bills and he just wished I would of let him know. I have a tendency to blow up on him when he says dramatic things or acts dramatic. He can be very emotional and I am not like that and I get irritated really quick. I realize that is something I need to fix is have more patience with his emotions. I have been sad, lethargic, and failing my classes from depression. I have been trying to be happy in a new town with him. I told him all of this and that I cant pinpoint what is going on with me. We made a counselors appointment to talk with one in a week, but I told him for me to keep my piece of mind that I need to go back to my parents house and focus on school. He was hurt and said he was going to miss me, and kept asking "how is this so easy for me". I felt like I needed to move out to keep my sanity and its the best decision because I have been very depressed. Advice? I am not sure what to do or how to pinpoint this. I love and care about him and he is not a bad guy. He supports my schooling and tries to make me happy. but I am at a loss. Edited July 3, 2014 by babedoll91 Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 There are way too many problems to get married at this point. Finish your schooling first and then decide if he's really the one you want. Seems like too much trouble. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxmusical Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 "I don't care to see her but I need the help moving my stuff I guess." Umm...what?! Why would he say that?! You two moved in and got engaged way too quickly. You're still a student - get your education sorted out first before even thinking of getting married. Moving out was a good decision on your part since you're obviously much happier. If possible, try to find a way and take back your share of money in that joint bank account. I honestly would never share a bank account with another person unless we're married. Link to post Share on other sites
GoBlue Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 (edited) The things that you have outlined are glaring red flags that need to be taken seriously. They WILL NOT get better if you get married. I will say it again, they WILL NOT get better if you get married. If he is controlling now (and by the way, this is still a relatively new relationship) then he will be controlling when you get married. I am very familiar with an article that lays out the facts behind cohabitation before marriage. It concludes three primary things: these couples have a higher divorce rate, have higher instances of domestic abuse, and they have a lower level of marital satisfaction. What are you planning on doing about your depression? I hope that you have a counselor lined up and that you can get that resolved. I am not saying that this relationship is doomed but both of you, with the help of individual counselors, need to look at yourselves and consider your expectations for marriage. Trying to get ready for it by living together may not be the best plan. I hope you find your joy. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Edited July 3, 2014 by GoBlue Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 O I went on a trip to my parents and took out 80 dollars to get my dad a gift for fathers day and my brother a gift for his birthday, and to go eat with my friend that lived there. He texted me saying "I wish you wouldn't have taken out 80" I blew up on him. He took back what he said and said he meant that "he wished I would of told him before taking out 80 dollars". We fought about it and it came to a point where he said "F*ck you" to me and I got pissed and said it back. We both said we were sorry but he keeps saying he doesn't see my side of it, and that he had a budget worked out in his head for our bills and he just wished I would of let him know. I'll echo that you're both too young and too new into the relationship to be playing house and considering marriage. What is your plan to pay for school without his financial support? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 Hate to sound like a broken record, but this doesn't sound like a great foundation for a marriage to me. it doesn't even sound like a great foundation for someone you'd just want to go out with for a while. End it, plenty of break up advice on here, finish school/college and think about your career. Plenty of time to find 'the one' and settle down. (TBH, I don't believe there is such a thing as 'the one', however if I did, he wouldn't be it!) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author babedoll91 Posted July 7, 2014 Author Share Posted July 7, 2014 My grand parents are paying for my schooling and loans. So that's not an issue, I think your right about the being too young part. Link to post Share on other sites
Author babedoll91 Posted July 7, 2014 Author Share Posted July 7, 2014 Thank you everyone for your advice it means a lot to me. I ended it and it hurts but I need to get on with my life and be happy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
xxmusical Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 Thank you everyone for your advice it means a lot to me. I ended it and it hurts but I need to get on with my life and be happy. Hope you feel better soon OP. Break-ups are never easy. Good luck with your studies and I'm sure you'll find a much better love Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 Thank you everyone for your advice it means a lot to me. I ended it and it hurts but I need to get on with my life and be happy. That was a responsible and wise move even though it may have stung a bit. No-one really committed any kind of foul or wrongdoing here, you just weren't ready and this was not the time yet. There were too many things going on and too many things up in the air. Get some stability and support back in your life. Get your head back in school and get that finished up. Get a means to support yourself effectively so you don't have to depend on anyone else and if at that time you two have some feelings and interest in other you can hit the 'reset' button and start to date again and see how things go then. Link to post Share on other sites
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