How would you respond to this?

[Mommame2]

So I posted here before. Husband knew a few weeks ago that I needed to have his help to access 2k to pay for a surgery that was coming up. He failed to do so in time because he said that he didn't have 10 min to spare on a Monday to make the call. When he got home he said he was shocked that I had to cancel the surgery. He knew. He was just playing dumb. Oddly enough he said be really wanted me to have the surgery!

 

Anyway I had to reschedule it. It was moved to this past Wednesday. I told him I thought it was a bad idea to have our 8 year old come. It was a 4 hr surgery under general. I drove the 3 he drive myself and then he came w our son (despite my concern) a few hours later. He even brought the darn dog.

 

He arrived angry. Frustrated. Our son and dog were annoying him.

 

They did drop my off for surgery the next morning and drive me back to the hotel. They then left and saw the town. But my husband was clearly frustrated. He even said to me as I was trying to recover "I hope you recognize the sacrifice making for you. Son is driving me crazy".

 

The next morning he and son went to my follow up appt. I was not supposed to drive yet. But against doctor orders he said that I should just follow him home. I did the best I could. It was very very hard for me. He pulled over a few times and checked on me. Other than that I felt pretty alone.

 

Today he got a sitter and left a lot of the day for work stuff. He asked me to clean up the house while he made calls. And asked if he could go out with a friend tomorrow while I watch our son.

 

I'm pretty emotional tight now since I'm in pain. We are already near divorce (he says he doesn't want) and I'm wondering how others feel about this situation.

 

Does this sound reasonable? Or goes it sound like emotional abuse?

[oldshirt]

not abusive, just not very nice.

 

 

Was this cosmetic surgery? Was it at his urging or your own wishes?

[Keenly]

I think for the context of the story, the type of surgery you got is necessary knowledge.

[Mommame2]

I had sinus surgery. They took cartlidge from behind my ear and placed it in my nose and opened my sinuses/airway.

 

He had actually wanted me to do this mainly because I snored at night and he wanted that to stop.

Edited June 28, 2014 by Mommame2

[oldshirt]

I've read some of your other posts.

 

 

I think your husband is simply an ass and isn't any good. I'm not sure what advice you are seeking here.

 

 

You really only have two options, either accept that he is an ass and is just going to be a thorn in your side and never really benefit you at all.

 

 

Or move on with your life and get away from him and not have him dragging you down and holding you back.

[veryhappy]

Restricting access to money is financial abuse.

 

 

Forcing you to drive when you weren't able to...well that put your life in danger recklessly, wouldn't you say?

 

 

He comes across as very not supportive with becoming manipulative and abusive when not getting his way which seems to be all the time.

[Mommame2]

I think the hardest thing is that I see some of the "sacrifices" he's made and I think well he is trying.... I haven't been difficult. I have asked him to get me a smoothie a couple times but that is all. He hasn't had to pick up after me or change bandages etc. I have taken care of myself.

 

I think overall I'm ready to leave. But I just can't seem to get the guts. I keep thinking I will regret it and that I will be alone for rest of my life. I see some people are so lonely when they are divorced. I guess I'm just lonely whole married.

 

Our son is the one who will end up suffering. And my family is very catholic and they are very much against me leaving. Even when a few years ago we were concerned my husband was abusive to my son ... My mother was against me leaving. She said it was better to be there to monitor husband behavior. Than to not know what's happening 50 percent of the time.

[oldshirt]

I think the hardest thing is that I see some of the "sacrifices" he's made and I think well he is trying.

 

 

What you are calling 'sacrifices' are what normal, decent people just naturally do. The fact that it is a 'sacrifice' for him is evidence that he isn't any good.

 

 

 

 

He hasn't had to pick up after me or change bandages etc. I have taken care of myself.

 

 

 

 

Again, a normal, decent person would just naturally help you out of their own nature. They would be uncomfortable and anxious if they weren't able to help.

 

I think overall I'm ready to leave.

 

 

Good.

 

 

But I just can't seem to get the guts.

 

 

 

 

What will give you the guts? what conditions and criteria need to be met for you to move on with your life without this toxic burden holding you back??

 

 

I keep thinking I will regret it and that I will be alone for rest of my life.

 

 

What you aren't seeing is that he is toxic and a burden to you. That means that even if you will be alone the rest of your life (which is a silly and inaccurate notion to begin with) you will still be better off than you are with him in your life. Without him you will be able to do things you want and that are to your benefit and well being and you won't have him dragging you down and holding you back. Without having to support him and take care of him, you will have more time, energy, money and happiness in your own life.

 

 

 

 

I see some people are so lonely when they are divorced.

 

 

yes and what you aren't seeing is that they were sad and lonely in their dysfunctional marriages and they may have moaned and whined for awhile and then wipes their eyes and got out and moved on and lived a better life after they got over their self-induced pity party.

 

 

 

 

I guess I'm just lonely whole married.

 

 

IMHO it's better to be sad and lonely single than sad and lonely with in a dysfunctional marriage with a loser. if you are single each day is a new day with new options, new opportunities and the chance that "today might be the day!"

When you are stuck with a loser, you are simply stuck. You can't move forward and you can't go back. You are shackled and your options are limited.

 

 

Our son is the one who will end up suffering.

 

 

Why? How? Take an honest hard look into your chrystal ball and tell me how your son will suffer if you move on???

 

 

 

 

And my family is very catholic and they are very much against me leaving.

 

 

Tell them if they are so worried about it, they can move in with him and support him and put up with his crap. See how many of them step up to the plate on that one.

 

 

 

 

Even when a few years ago we were concerned my husband was abusive to my son ..

 

 

 

 

If they are wanting you and your son to stay in a dangerous environment because some priest told them so, then they are evil.

 

 

 

 

. My mother was against me leaving. She said it was better to be there to monitor husband behavior.

 

 

Was your presence making your husband's behavior any less bad?

 

 

 

 

Than to not know what's happening 50 percent of the time.

 

 

OK, then this is a key piece of the puzzle. If there is valid reason to believe that your husband will not provide a safe and healthy and nurturing environment for your son, then you need to address this with the court so that his custody is such he does not have unsupervised time with your son!

Quite frankly, you husband sounds so detached and undomesticated and so unfatherly, I doubt if he would actually even want any kind of custody.

He may fight for some custody a little bit just to turn the knife in your heart a little bit, but when push comes to shove I doubt if he will actually want any kids around. That will just cramp his style.

There is a good chance when push comes to shove he will just let you have full custody and go on his merry way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Responses above.

[oldshirt]

OK now I'm really confused. I tried to do a little more background research and you have posts about being divorced and dating on OLD, you have a thread with dozens of pages on some guy you met that was seducing you with massages and discussions of exclusivity etc etc

 

 

What the heck is the real story here?? Are you married or are you divorced???? Are you married but screwing around? Do you have an open marriage? Were you separated and back together now?

 

 

Are you just a psycho that just dreams up wild stories and scenarios and can't them all straight or are you really this schizophrenic???

 

 

What is your true status here???????????

[Mommame2]

There was a post about this. I was sharing my account. Then was asked to get new account. Which I did. It is well documented.

 

Thank you again for your reply. I'm still digesting it. It is spot on.

[whichwayisup]

So I posted here before. Husband knew a few weeks ago that I needed to have his help to access 2k to pay for a surgery that was coming up. He failed to do so in time because he said that he didn't have 10 min to spare on a Monday to make the call. When he got home he said he was shocked that I had to cancel the surgery. He knew. He was just playing dumb. Oddly enough he said be really wanted me to have the surgery!

 

Anyway I had to reschedule it. It was moved to this past Wednesday. I told him I thought it was a bad idea to have our 8 year old come. It was a 4 hr surgery under general. I drove the 3 he drive myself and then he came w our son (despite my concern) a few hours later. He even brought the darn dog.

 

He arrived angry. Frustrated. Our son and dog were annoying him.

 

They did drop my off for surgery the next morning and drive me back to the hotel. They then left and saw the town. But my husband was clearly frustrated. He even said to me as I was trying to recover "I hope you recognize the sacrifice making for you. Son is driving me crazy".

 

The next morning he and son went to my follow up appt. I was not supposed to drive yet. But against doctor orders he said that I should just follow him home. I did the best I could. It was very very hard for me. He pulled over a few times and checked on me. Other than that I felt pretty alone.

 

Today he got a sitter and left a lot of the day for work stuff. He asked me to clean up the house while he made calls. And asked if he could go out with a friend tomorrow while I watch our son.

 

I'm pretty emotional tight now since I'm in pain. We are already near divorce (he says he doesn't want) and I'm wondering how others feel about this situation.

 

Does this sound reasonable? Or goes it sound like emotional abuse?

 

Your H doesn't have your back and he's a real sh.itty husband to you. How selfish can one be? WTF, reading what you wrote really is upsetting. you should be resting and HE should be doing EVERYTHING in the house and not letting you lift a finger. This is disgusting behaviour and it'll only get worse as you two age.

 

so he wants you to look after your son while he goes out and has fun!! Speechless, really, what else is there to say except w..t...f, selfish man!

 

Get a family member or a trusted friend you can rely on to come help you out, or ask if a friend can take your son for a sleepover so you can rest.

 

Feel better soon.

[whichwayisup]

I think the hardest thing is that I see some of the "sacrifices" he's made and I think well he is trying.... I haven't been difficult. I have asked him to get me a smoothie a couple times but that is all. He hasn't had to pick up after me or change bandages etc. I have taken care of myself.

 

I think overall I'm ready to leave. But I just can't seem to get the guts. I keep thinking I will regret it and that I will be alone for rest of my life. I see some people are so lonely when they are divorced. I guess I'm just lonely whole married.

 

Our son is the one who will end up suffering. And my family is very catholic and they are very much against me leaving. Even when a few years ago we were concerned my husband was abusive to my son ... My mother was against me leaving. She said it was better to be there to monitor husband behavior. Than to not know what's happening 50 percent of the time.

 

What counts is you and your son. Your H is a selfish person, a crappy husband and not a family man. Trust me, your son sees this and sure it won' be easy to be separated/divorced but your son will be happier, less stress and the energy level will be more positive. Your mom should be loving and supporting you, regardless if this is against the religion to divorce! You've suffered enough and now it's time to put you and your kid first - DO what you need to do and those who can't understand and are judging you or looking down at you on your decision to leave, well, that's their problem! IT isn't their life so they get NO say in how you live yours.

[TAV]

Responses above.

 

Agree with every remark oldshirt made. Just want to add that you have no idea now how much of your energy this man consumes. Energy you could use to be a better mom to your son..Energy you could use on yourself. Or do you think you are not worth spending your energy on making YOU happy instead of this poor excuse for a man and your unsupportive family.

 

I can see you feel quite comfortable in the role of the victim. Is that really how you want people (your son?) to remember you?

[Mommame2]

That is such a good way for me to look at this. I have perpetually made myself out to be the victim. Meanwhile I am a strong woman professionally... Just a total mess personally. I am casting myself as a victim. The prob is I often feel trapped by my circumstances.

 

Also the suggestion about energy that I put out to deal with this stuff, that's true. I recognized that when I was out of town for surgery. Even the day before... It is such a production for him to do anything and I am so laid back. But I was just getting to my limit.

 

Old shirt made so many amazing points ... I'm still trying to digest that as well. I will say that my husband says that he loves working from home so he can be with our son. But since I've been off sick I can see my son is not attended to. Daddy is always on his computer. Strange reality twisting.

 

Another point. Last week I met a surgeon at a work dinner. I was not wearing my ring. He asked me if I was married. I told him yes but on process of divorcing. I could not believe this gorgeous successful man was complimenting me. I guess it was just a moment for me hear this because I think so poorly of myself. And I can tell it will take a lot more therapy to get my confidence back to where it should be.

[TAV]

That is such a good way for me to look at this. I have perpetually made myself out to be the victim. Meanwhile I am a strong woman professionally... Just a total mess personally. I am casting myself as a victim. The prob is I often feel trapped by my circumstances.

 

Also the suggestion about energy that I put out to deal with this stuff, that's true. I recognized that when I was out of town for surgery. Even the day before... It is such a production for him to do anything and I am so laid back. But I was just getting to my limit.

 

Old shirt made so many amazing points ... I'm still trying to digest that as well. I will say that my husband says that he loves working from home so he can be with our son. But since I've been off sick I can see my son is not attended to. Daddy is always on his computer. Strange reality twisting.

 

Another point. Last week I met a surgeon at a work dinner. I was not wearing my ring. He asked me if I was married. I told him yes but on process of divorcing. I could not believe this gorgeous successful man was complimenting me. I guess it was just a moment for me hear this because I think so poorly of myself. And I can tell it will take a lot more therapy to get my confidence back to where it should be.

 

I know you are a strong woman in the workforce. So you know what you have to do. I know you don't want to and wonder why you got this raw deal when it comes to your private life but sometimes that's just the way it is. You are the only one holding the key to get away from this and towards a better life.

 

Also, it's nice to get validation from other men, but an affair is not the right way to get out of this marriage. If you want to portray yourself as a woman who is in the process of getting divorced make sure you have started proceedings indeed.

 

I've been where you are right now and trust me things are not so bad on the other side. There if nothing to fear but fear itself

[Mommame2]

Well that's the crazy part of all this. I filed for divorce last week. My husband believes it is just part of a paper trail to go through w filing bankruptcy on my own. I know he thinks that this is all just "paper" and that all will be fine after the bankruptcy.

 

He knows I filed paperwork but hasn't said a single word to me about it. Didn't ask how the bankruptcy would go down (I didn't file and don't plan to)

 

My point is I am living such a weird time right now. I filed divorce. It will be official aug 20th but my husband and I are living as if nothing has changed. He knows we have to get an apartment because we have to legally have 2 addresses... But he hasn't yet. I haven't mentioned it to him. I think I will just go do it as soon as I'm healed.

 

So I have already taken the proper steps... Now I just have to get my heart/mind to follow through.

[TAV]

Your husband think your divorce is just a paper trail?? He expects you to keep living like man and wife?? Where did he get that notion?

 

I think you will have a fight on your hands. Do you have anyone, a friend, family member, colleague who is really in your corner and can keep you focused through all this?

[Mommame2]

Yes he does. It stemmed from something I did in a previous state. We were in a place where we needed to file for bankruptcy about 1.6 years ago. I agreed to list us as separated, so he didn't have to file too... but that required us living in seperate locations. Well we never really did. I ended up lying under oath to the trustee and then freaking out and asking to withdraw the case because I couldn't live with myself. It was gut wrenching. I was horrified at what I had become.

 

So we have hit that financial point again. And he wanted me to do the same. I said I couldn't do it without being honest. He said "do what you have to do". "I will do whatever you need me to do".

 

About 1 week later he found an email chain that I had with a catholic forum. It was anonymous. I was describing this and the people we're telling me to file divorce and do NOT go back. I admitted in the forum that I had met w an attorney.

 

He approached me. I told him I think we needs to divorce for real. I have said this several times over the years. He just scoffed that he was sorry he couldn't make enough money to save the day and that he's never been good enough etc etc.

 

I told him that it was his lack of desire to serve his family was the prob. Not the lack of money. Also that when I asked to cut back on working so much (he works from home about 15 hrs a week) he told me that he's ask his old cancer ridden parents to pay our bills temporarily. Of course I told him no.

 

Anyway he ended that conversation and never mentioned it again ...has been making me dinner from time to time etc. He's acting like it never happened.

 

Well I went ahead and filed the paperwork. I told him that I "filed papers". He may not know if it's divorce or bankruptcy. He just responded via text and told me he would make me a great dinner to relieve my stress....

 

So now... We sit. Living as if nothing is happening. Elephant in the room. He SHOULD know I'm serious... But I'm guessing he is still deep in denial.

 

I mean what do you make of that?!

[Mommame2]

This is interesting, too. He is supposedly on good behavior. You know the... I don't want to rock the boat .. Everything is fine behavior. But, he was tiered last night. We went oh bed. I had nasal surgery 4 days ago so I have to sleep upright and in specific spots. Then our 8 year old screams out... Scared from a nightmare. He goes up and checks on him. He comes back very annoyed. Then about 30 min later it happens again.. I'm basically unconscious since I'm still feeling the effects of surgery. He gets angry.

 

He is complaining about son being scared and not sleeping. So on the third occasion this happens he screams out at our son to go back to bed. He's angry. So I grab my weird pillows and tissues and he says..."can you take care if this.. I'm tired. And now because of him I'm wide awake."

 

Of course I tried to come out of my coma and went up and slept with our son... After spending awhile trying to set up the best scenario for me to sleep ... Asy face/sinus/nose is swollen and pulsing.

 

 

Is that common? Or is that just another example of him being a jerk?

[TAV]

What do I make of that? That he knows how to play you like a fiddle. He does not take you serious because you probably have not taken yourself serious on many occassions in the past.

 

The only way to deal with such a man/situation is to be determined and push through. Do I make it sound easy? Yes, maybe. But I know what I'm talking about. I was married to a narcistic man and when I finally had the courage to tell him I wanted to divorce him he tried every trick in the book, that admittedly worked on me earlier on in our marriage. I was in the process of putting our house only in my name and he still refused to leave. We had both already signed the divorce documents and he still thought we could just forget about it and go back to living the way we were before. In the end we were already officially divorced for a few months when he finally gave in to my demands and left what had then become my house before I had to involve the police to have him removed.

 

I and especially my children went through hell that year living like this. He only cared about getting what he wanted. Not so much me but the life that he lived before. But I held my ground because after being with him for 18 yrs, I knew that was the only way to get what I wanted; my freedom.

 

Your last post about your son makes me question again why you stay with this man under the pretence of doing what's best for your son. Can't you see that you are doing everything on your own already? That he is just a log on your leg? A big child who, unlike your son, will never grow up. On top of that he is the role model for your son; this is how he will think a man has to be.

 

As for your last question; your are an intelligent woman, surely you know the answer yourself.

[Mommame2]

Tav... I give you so much credit. What you describe of your ex sort of sounds like my situation. Not seeing reality and just pretending that he could go on the way things are. I think it is denial and an element of narcissism.

 

The prob is his actions have worked on me for a long time. So he has no doubt I'm sure that this will work again. I'm sure it seems like no question to him.

 

The problem is really going to be when he recognizes that I'm dead serious.

 

I mean today he even mentioned that he knew he needed to find an apartment so I could properly file the paperwork. He is totally ready for this and thinks this all arouse.

 

My question here. Why am I not excited about getting out of this? Why does it seem surreal? And will this get easier sooner than later?

 

I mean a few years ago he "accidentally" hurt our son by kicking him in the ribs. Again he said it was a total accident. But regardless even THEN I was horrified to leave. There's something wrong with me!

 

I am trying to move forward. I guess I just don't understand why it isn't easy for me.