Why are some marriage-minded women finding themselves in the ''forever gf'' dilemna?

[Shaina2]

I've noticed this in certain friends of mine and by reading endless threads here and elsewhere, where these women are waiting 3+ years and their man isn't proposing still and she has to then question him why not.

 

Men obviously know those women want marriage and how it's important to them but are playing dumb instead of walking away. If they wanted to propose I don't think they even need the woman to remind him or even bring up the topic. Why do I say that? Because with me it was really the opposite nearly 3 years ago. He didn't told how he felt in advance and I was taken by surprise and so declined it. It was me who wasn't ready. Needlessly to say he reacted very similar to those women that want marriage and their bf refuses, then within a short time went completely NC on me. We haven't spoken even since and just heard from others he got engaged in the beginning of this year.

 

Seems to me that men actually still will propose but not to every women. This gets me thinking. I have never been in the ''forever gf'' dilemna but my best friends and others women I know have been there. Why are some of those women finding themselves in that position and others (including me who had to decline a marriage proposal) aren't?

Edited June 27, 2014 by Shaina2

[Snakechammah]

Hmm.. I always believe that what you project out is what you get.

 

I enter guns ablazing into any relationship stating I want a husband, not a boyfriend. Any relationship I go into, I make it clear from the get go that marriage is the eventual destination. If the dude ain't happy, he's free to leave. If he's in the same mindset, we can explore the relationship further to see if we're compatible enough to make it to the aisle.

 

With my boyfriend, I've made it known to him in the beginning of dating that I have marriage in mind. (Thankfully) He believes in the same thing. Kaboosh! Compatible. So that's the road we're heading.

 

It's all about communication. If you want something, you gotta make it known. Never let the guy string you along for years and live in the unknown. You know what you want and you should strive to get it.

 

"If a man does not know to which port he is sailing, no wind is favourable." -Lucius Annaeus Seneca

 

Compatibility means shared values about life's journey - be it marriage, commitment, fidelity, contact with exes, finances, child rearing... all these things must be expressed and discussed early in the relationship so you know where you stand. And you can start working on a compromise before you waste anymore ytime on something that may crumble in future because of differences in values.

 

So ladies, don't sell yourself short. If you want marriage, you have to make sure you express it early and brace for the reply, whatever it may be!

[Shaina2]

I agree with that perspective. It's mainly lack of communication and maybe they are just simply waiting for things to happen just like that.

 

Snakechammah, yes you are doing the right thing mentioning it right in the beginning if that is what you want and that both are on the same page. Otherwise, there is no point if one party wants marriage and is ready while the other doesn't.

[d0nnivain]

I was a forever GF because in the beginning of that relationship I was too young, imo, to care about marriage & it wasn't a priority for me. As I aged, my values & goals changed but he was happy with the status quo. After a long while -- probably too long -- I finally voted with my feet & left the relationship.

 

 

If the people in these relationships are OK with the status quo, leave it alone. If they are unhappy the know where the door is.

[SummerDreams]

Because the women who want to get married stay there and wait and sometimes they make big sacrifices. Women who won't take bull**** from a man leave ,and these are the ones who don't care about marriage. A woman who reposits her happiness on a man will stay and tolerate everything in order to complete her goal. That's why sometimes women who have waited so long to get married subconsciously want revenge after the wedding and they lose all their patience, they start acting without tolerance, they may quit sex or start acting really bad. Everything happens for a reason.

[MissBee]

I don't think many of these men know actually....

 

Half of these stories are women who move in, date for years but never really made it plain what they expected or wanted but expected the man to just one day get up and surprise them with a ring...which is totally bizarre to me and a recipe for being a forever gf. I do think some men have no interest in marriage no matter who, then some it depends on the woman and some would be fine being forever bf-gf with one woman and want to marry another....but I think a lot also has to do with both people making it clear what they want.

 

At this point in my life I'm not going to get into a relationship with a man who doesn't express that he hopes to be married and have a family...period. I'm not gonna just date some guy for years, move in, have his kids and then wait with bated breath for years to see if he will marry me someday. No. With my current bf while we were just talking, before we even went on a date we talked about what we were looking for...he told me at this point he only dates women whom he sees as wife potential and he does want to be married and have kids. I felt the same. So we went on our first date already knowing this and as we continued seeing each other, when we became exclusive it was with the awareness that he and I at least see each other as marriage potential so our relationship will either end in marriage or end. We've talked a lot about the future, marriage kids etc. I think a man who wants marriage esp with you will bring these things up on his own and as things progress you'll have more and more serious conversations about it and things won't go on for years and years with you having NO CLUE where you stand.

 

If you want marriage...talk about it, make it clear, see what the guy says before you decide to be his gf, move in, have his babies etc. If he seems opposed to marriage altogether, don't try to stick around hoping for a miracle if that is non-negotiable for you. If he seems to believe in marriage but says he has no interest until he's 40 and he's currently 20, if that doesn't work for you...walk away. If he claims he is interested in marriage but NEVER seems to bring you up as his future wife or talk about you and him together in his marriage ideas, avoids the topic, goes around it, changes the subject etc...then walk away.

[Eggplant]

I personally don't feel the woman should even commit to going steady in the first place before feeling that the man is serious and mad about her.

[dragon_fly_7]

Besides that both have to have the same goals and views towards marriage, I also get the feeling men are very perceptable beings that can smell desperation, those that depend on a man for their happiness and the ''because it's every women's dream'' (without even knowing the purpose of getting married) type of women from miles away.

 

SummerDreams says it all. The more overly passive and ''I'll do anything for a man'' the woman is, the more likely she'll end up in that position because honestly she's freaking boring. The more ''Whatever, I can be happy without you mister'', the more likely the guy might then follow her and even propose because he sees a purpose in her.

Edited June 28, 2014 by dragon_fly_7

[TiredFamilyGuy]

My 2c - In common with most young men I did not know what I wanted in my 20s beyond someone nice to hang around with an some occasional sex (the sex was really a bonus and not primary for me). My first serious girlfriend had been an alcoholic so I was a bit damaged and shy of anything too deep. wasted the time of perfectly nice young women because I lacked the courage to say "I like you but don't see you as my wife" and break it off. I saw it as being nice, instead it was weak.

 

I then reached thirty and bingo somehow I was ready to settle down. I married the first candidate who felt the same way. It would have worked better had I taken the time to understand all her issues and rages before getting married, but in common with many women, she took out all that stuff on me after marriage until years later I snapped.

 

Moral: men, don't waste women's time.

Women: be honest about what you are and what you want - don't marry the poor schmuck then "Gotcha!" Make him suffer for your various preexisting dissatisfactions.

[Mr. Lucky]

I personally don't feel the woman should even commit to going steady in the first place before feeling that the man is serious and mad about her.

Absent children, many men are happy with the benefits of a live-in GF and feel no need for the paperwork. The old "why buy the cow..." theory...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Clockwork]

Some women might not like my answer but I'll say it anyway. I asked my wife to marry me within 14 months. 6 months later we were married. Happily ever since. When you find the "one" you don't waste time. A real man in my mind doesn't. You should be proud to call her your wife in the end. That being said, the women who can't comprehend why their guy has gone years and years without asking her should come to this conclusion. There is something wrong with you. Or there is something wrong with him. Period. Maybe he is a plug, maybe he has commitment issues. Or maybe you aren't marriage material yourself. And believe me, it will have nothing to do with your looks. When a guy thinks about "forever" he wants to know that the woman he is walking down the aisle is someone he can stand for the rest of his life from a personality standpoint.

 

It is like the really bitchy girls who don't think they are complete bitches and can't understand why they get all the a**hole guys. Trust me ladies, everyone knows why you get those guys.

 

So it boils down to it being a problem with one of you. A guy doesn't need 10 years a shared mortgage with you and three children to finally decide you might be the "one".

[Eggplant]

Absent children, many men are happy with the benefits of a live-in GF and feel no need for the paperwork. The old "why buy the cow..." theory...

 

Mr. Lucky

A man who is comfortable getting milk is not madly in love. A man madly in love would marry in 2 seconds, would even throw away his life, just to make his woman happy. This is a tall order, and this kind of devotion must be earned, but let's not pretend that a comfortable milk-drinking man is madly in love.

 

 

It's the opposite of a catch-22, as a woman wanting love. If he truly does love her, then she already has what she needs. Marriage will follow easily, but it's not necessary.

 

 

The underlying issue in these 3+ year non-marriages, I speculate, isn't that he hasn't proposed, but rather that he doesn't love her enough to have proposed. If she tries to manipulate or cajole, it's really a futile, subconscious attempt to change what she has no power over: his heart.

[jay1983]

50% of marriages end in divorce and with the divorce laws, I'm not sure I'd purpose myself.

[Eggplant]

50% of marriages end in divorce and with the divorce laws, I'm not sure I'd purpose myself.

 

 

You know, investing yourself seriously, committing, is highly risky. I am extremely understanding of anybody who decides it's a bad idea. You can put all your cards in the wrong person and lose everything.

[Dirt]

Absent children, many men are happy with the benefits of a live-in GF and feel no need for the paperwork. The old "why buy the cow..." theory...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

This is such a poor, poor argument. It is based on the assumption that the man only benefits from this arrangement which is certainly not true.

[Shaina2]

That being said, the women who can't comprehend why their guy has gone years and years without asking her should come to this conclusion. There is something wrong with you. Or there is something wrong with him. Period. Maybe he is a plug, maybe he has commitment issues. Or maybe you aren't marriage material yourself.

With one of my friends, I think she's part of the problem. For the past month, she's been coming to me for advice on how to make her bf propose and that they've been dating for 4 years. I just keep telling her you can't make a man propose and to leave him if it's she's not happy. If even I get bored hearing her sounding like that, I can't imagine how is it with her live-in bf.

 

Needless to say it really amazes me seeing these women stuck in this situation. I don't think the man is 100% to blame, more like 50/50 to me.

[BetheButterfly]

I've noticed this in certain friends of mine and by reading endless threads here and elsewhere, where these women are waiting 3+ years and their man isn't proposing still and she has to then question him why not.

 

Men obviously know those women want marriage and how it's important to them but are playing dumb instead of walking away. If they wanted to propose I don't think they even need the woman to remind him or even bring up the topic. Why do I say that? Because with me it was really the opposite nearly 3 years ago. He didn't told how he felt in advance and I was taken by surprise and so declined it. It was me who wasn't ready. Needlessly to say he reacted very similar to those women that want marriage and their bf refuses, then within a short time went completely NC on me. We haven't spoken even since and just heard from others he got engaged in the beginning of this year.

 

Seems to me that men actually still will propose but not to every women. This gets me thinking. I have never been in the ''forever gf'' dilemna but my best friends and others women I know have been there. Why are some of those women finding themselves in that position and others (including me who had to decline a marriage proposal) aren't?

 

I think there are several reasons.

 

1. Some men today don't understand commitment and true love. Some men today only understand lust and lust satisfied. Equally, some women today don't understand commitment and true love. They only understand lust and lust satisfied.

 

2. Some women today do not understand that having sex before marriage does not motivate most men to marry them.

 

3. Marriage is a team. Sadly, so many marriages today become competitions where the married partners compete with each other, wanting to get their own individual needs/desires met instead of serving the other and working together as a team. Because many marriages are dying, many men are scared of it and don't see marriage as a way to be happy.

 

4. The idea that getting married will make one happy is faulty thinking, because marriage is not a magic formula of "happily ever after." Truly loving is the key, not marriage. Sadly, marriages exist without true love. True love is not a feeling, but rather action. Many men understand that simply getting married does not automatically equal happiness or success in the relationship, yet they do not understand that true love is action and not just how they feel.

 

5. Some men are more interested in lifestyles that do not include marriage, but rather include the freedom to do what they want without taking into consideration a team member. (Again, marriage is a team.)

 

6. Some women are not faithful or kind or trustworthy or ..., and this deters men from trusting them with marriage. Equally, some men are not faithful, kind, trustworthy.... and this deters them from marriage as well, or from being good marriage prospects.

 

7. Some men are happy how things are; they don't want to "rock the boat" so to speak by having a radical change, such as marriage where they are entering into a covenant. Marriage is a covenant.

[BetheButterfly]

With one of my friends, I think she's part of the problem. For the past month, she's been coming to me for advice on how to make her bf propose and that they've been dating for 4 years. I just keep telling her you can't make a man propose and to leave him if it's she's not happy. If even I get bored hearing her sounding like that, I can't imagine how is it with her live-in bf.

 

Needless to say it really amazes me seeing these women stuck in this situation. I don't think the man is 100% to blame, more like 50/50 to me.

 

I don't understand how anyone would want to make someone propose. That is suspicious, in my opinion, and actually takes away some of the manhood of a man. A strong man is not going to be made to propose. Rather, if and when he wants to, he's going to propose. It's worrying that she wants to make him propose. Does she think marriage is a magic formula that will make her happy? If she does, she is in for a rude awakening once she gets married.

 

Marriage doesn't work that way. Marriage is a team and a covenant, and trying to make someone else enter into that covenant/team with one is not the best way to start.

 

Sadly, some women try to de-man men, and that's one of the issues with marriage today. Men don't want to be forced to enter into a covenant/teamwork with a lady. A good strong man wants to decide for himself and invite the lady to enter into the covenant/teamwork with him. Very important!!!

[BetheButterfly]

Hmm.. I always believe that what you project out is what you get.

 

I enter guns ablazing into any relationship stating I want a husband, not a boyfriend. Any relationship I go into, I make it clear from the get go that marriage is the eventual destination. If the dude ain't happy, he's free to leave. If he's in the same mindset, we can explore the relationship further to see if we're compatible enough to make it to the aisle.

 

With my boyfriend, I've made it known to him in the beginning of dating that I have marriage in mind. (Thankfully) He believes in the same thing. Kaboosh! Compatible. So that's the road we're heading.

 

It's all about communication. If you want something, you gotta make it known. Never let the guy string you along for years and live in the unknown. You know what you want and you should strive to get it.

 

"If a man does not know to which port he is sailing, no wind is favourable." -Lucius Annaeus Seneca

 

Compatibility means shared values about life's journey - be it marriage, commitment, fidelity, contact with exes, finances, child rearing... all these things must be expressed and discussed early in the relationship so you know where you stand. And you can start working on a compromise before you waste anymore ytime on something that may crumble in future because of differences in values.

 

So ladies, don't sell yourself short. If you want marriage, you have to make sure you express it early and brace for the reply, whatever it may be!

 

Agreed. Me too. I told my husband before we even started dating that I'm looking for my husband, not a boyfriend or a friend with benefits. I told him if he wasn't considering me as his wife, to not even bother. He shares the same values as me and was very pleased. We believe God brought us together, and he proposed to me around 6 months after we met face to face. <3 I didn't make him; he did so cause he wanted to, and he showed me he wanted to by going to premarital counseling with me, which was awesome. I highly recommend it for any couple considering marriage.

 

We have been married for almost 3 years now and we are more in love now than when we were dating.

 

It's vital to find and be with someone who shares one's values.

[Mr. Lucky]

This is such a poor, poor argument. It is based on the assumption that the man only benefits from this arrangement which is certainly not true.

Certainly you're right, the woman's also benefits. And those benefits often accrue in every area except the one we're discussing - a marriage license. I've seen this first hand with several friends and family members...

 

Mr. Lucky

[rester]

FWIW, the healthiest marriages I've seen personally have been couples with years of thought and living together behind them. Some of them 10+ years before marriage. If it works for that couple, it works. No need for judgement.

 

Every couple is different and just because they aren't walking down the aisle after a few years doesn't mean they don't love each other.

[SJC2008]

Not every person/relationship falls into a box but more often than not the women are commitment phobes too, they just don't know it. If it's always the men with the problem they don't have to look at themselves!

[lucy_in_disguise]

What is the deal with continuing to divide this issue along gender lines? Women want to get married... Men only want to marry when madly in love with a cow who's not giving away the milk for free... Are those stereotypes even relevant anymore?

 

The way I see it, the person who is usually more afraid is the one who stands more to lose... Which historically has been the man, seeing as how women didn't make any money. As an independent woman I see the same benefits and drawbacks applying to both me and my partner.

 

Why assume after x years the woman must be eager and ready but if the man hasn't proposed, he's not that into her, a commitment- phobe, or their relationship sucks?

 

There are plenty of great reasons to stay un-married and continue to date for a while.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Not every person/relationship falls into a box but more often than not the women are commitment phobes too, they just don't know it. If it's always the men with the problem they don't have to look at themselves!

 

I gotta say I agree.