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I don't want to have sex with my husband. I know that sounds awful but it's true. He's still very attractive and he's always been very good in bed. The problem is emotional. We are on a bit of a probation with our relationship to see if we want to continue at all. He doesn't hug me or kiss me anytime but when he's trying to initiate sex. We rarely spend any alone time. Most of the time, it's us and the kids but we could have a few hours just to ourselves every night once the kids get to sleep. Instead, he invites his friends to come over at 8 pm or he goes and hangs out at his friend's house who happens to be our neighbor. (The neighbor friend is going thru a divorce. My husband says he has to go because the guy is so lonely.)

 

I've asked him directly to spend more time with me. He says we will but then he still does the things above. I've tried being more affectionate with him in hopes he will reciprocate, but he pushes me off, saying he is busy.

 

Yesterday, was the best it's been between us since we've been considering divorcing. We were pretending to be Pokemon with the kids. He would "body slam" me and then kiss me. I finally felt like he liked me. He went to see his neighbor friend while I was trying to get the baby to sleep but he came back less than ten minutes later. We were able to cuddle while watching a movie together.

 

When we were in bed, I tried to discuss why we weren't having sex with him. I probably didn't explain myself well enough. I had said something along the lines of "if you acted like this more often, we'd have sex." He got mad. He said I was cruel for withholding sex. All I meant was that I want to feel like he wants me, not my parts. I want to feel like I can't be swapped out and have it not make a difference to him. Should I do it with him anyway, even though I feel like this? Should I try explaining myself better to him?

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In general i find the internet to be at best a waste of time at best and at worst a damaging place to my sense of community and worth. This however is not one of those times. I feel I may offer some perspective that might actually be helpful.

 

Although my wife never really "withheld" sex there was a period were it wasn't as plentiful and certainly not enthusiastically engaged in on her part. She said the same things you are saying but I really didn't hear them. It's amazing to me now how little I understood about responsive desire in women. I suspect the same thing with your husband- he isn't really hearing you and viewing your position as being arbitrarily withholding or worse, vindictive.

 

My suggestion is to point him to either books that talk about the difference in male/female desire or even show him various threads on LS. It may take a while; what eventually opened my eyes was my wife continually be laboring the point.

Through time we solidified our emotional connection even more and at that point her desire went through the roof. The light bulb finally went off at that point.

She now gets just as grumpy as I do if we don't have sex (usually due to schedule issues).

 

Keep hammering home the message. If he's worth keeping then he will eventually get it.

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Doing it with him "anyway" will lead to further resentment and bitterness on your part and it will be cold "starfish sex" to him and it will lead to further frustration and disconnect on his part.

 

If you just put out starfish sex, he will not be able to make the connection that you are dissatisfied in the relationship and will just think that you are bad in bed or that you are no longer sexually interested in him and he will be vulnerable to someone else. .....well actually you both will be vulnerable to that.

 

What's their real issue here is you are telling him of the your unhappiness but he isn't hearing it. It's not soaking in.

 

You have to make yourself heard and be taken seriously. In worse case scenarios guys don't get it untill they haven't had sex for 6 months to a year or untill they catch their wife in an affair and some still don't even get it untill their wife moves out and they received divorce papers.

 

You want to get his attention and level with him and get him to hear you before it gets that extreme.

 

My recommendation is get a sitter and tell him to clear his schedule and meet you for dinner somewhere for something very important to discuss.

 

Then look him in the eye and with a straight face and calm serious voice tell him what you told us.

 

From a guy's perspective you need to tell him in terms that meaningful to him. He has no grasp of your happiness and women complain about a hundred things a day so don't whine about your happiness and fulfilment. Explain what it means to him in that your desire and attraction for him (and hence his sexlife) is dependent on his time and attention and connection to you.

 

If you are contemplating leaving or finding interest in other men, be honest about that and be honest about what is at stake.

 

If you think you are at the point of needing marital counseling, insist on that and maybe the counselor can get him to take it seriously.

 

If he refuses all of this and still has no time for you, then You have your answer.

 

Do not have sex with him unless you are sincerely having the attraction and desire. A man will think everything is chunky-dory as long as sex is happening. If he hasn't had it in 6 months, he may start to wonder why and you may be able to get him to the negotiation table.

 

It does sound like sexual manipulation and extortion but If you aren't feeling the attraction or desire it's really not. The goal here is to feel connected and appreciated and loved enough that the desire is legitimate and natural.

 

This isn't a case of just not being in the mood or being bogged down with childcare and bills and work etc. This is a case of serious underlying relationship problems.

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I hear where you are coming from. My wife stated the same with me. that I don't put her as a priority. that I'm always working or riding my bike or tired. Which is all true, but what also is true is that I'm providing. I'm protecting. she pushes me away and says I don't give her attention. says the same thing you say with he only touches you when he wants sex. Well, that's not the case. If you show him some love, so actually caring, some respect then he will turn back to you instead of his friends. My wife has found a friend, a male friend, think I've lost her... but you can still fight.

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Have you considered turning the problem on its head and considering that maybe he doesn't feel like being lovey dovey cuddley when you never put out? It's a two-way street.

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I don't want to have sex with my husband. I know that sounds awful but it's true. He's still very attractive and he's always been very good in bed. The problem is emotional. We are on a bit of a probation with our relationship to see if we want to continue at all. He doesn't hug me or kiss me anytime but when he's trying to initiate sex. We rarely spend any alone time. Most of the time, it's us and the kids but we could have a few hours just to ourselves every night once the kids get to sleep. Instead, he invites his friends to come over at 8 pm or he goes and hangs out at his friend's house who happens to be our neighbor. (The neighbor friend is going thru a divorce. My husband says he has to go because the guy is so lonely.)

 

I've asked him directly to spend more time with me. He says we will but then he still does the things above. I've tried being more affectionate with him in hopes he will reciprocate, but he pushes me off, saying he is busy.

 

Yesterday, was the best it's been between us since we've been considering divorcing. We were pretending to be Pokemon with the kids. He would "body slam" me and then kiss me. I finally felt like he liked me. He went to see his neighbor friend while I was trying to get the baby to sleep but he came back less than ten minutes later. We were able to cuddle while watching a movie together.

 

When we were in bed, I tried to discuss why we weren't having sex with him. I probably didn't explain myself well enough. I had said something along the lines of "if you acted like this more often, we'd have sex." He got mad. He said I was cruel for withholding sex. All I meant was that I want to feel like he wants me, not my parts. I want to feel like I can't be swapped out and have it not make a difference to him. Should I do it with him anyway, even though I feel like this? Should I try explaining myself better to him?

 

That is nice that he is being nice to the neighbor and all. But, he basically may need to balance his time a little more. You deserve just as much quality time as his friend.

 

If he is not being intimate while initiating sex, this could continue to be an issue as time goes on. For a woman, sometimes sex starts outside of the actual bedroom. At the end of the day, you are a woman and have the desire to be wanted. I think this is some of what you were basically trying to get at. He needs to appreciate this as a fact.

 

I absolutely would not have sex with him if you do not feel right about it. I would not give in when he initiates it just so as to keep him happy when he is not really respecting your feelings.

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Thanks everyone! I'll try to talk to him about it again. This time I won't wait until right before we fall asleep. I'll do my best to convey how important I feel about this.

 

Have you considered turning the problem on its head and considering that maybe he doesn't feel like being lovey dovey cuddley when you never put out? It's a two-way street.

 

To Turtles - his behavior in this regard doesn't change whether I put out or not.

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To Turtles - his behavior in this regard doesn't change whether I put out or not.

 

It will change in time if it turns in to starfish sex or dries up completely.

 

Turtles makes a valid point. Men need sex in order to feel cuddley and lovely-dovey.

 

The difference is men aren't as in tune with relationship dynamics and there is a lag-time between when things start going bad and men begin to notice....If they notice at all.

 

Another problem is as I mentioned earlier, if sex is taking place, they'll think everything is ok and just keep doing what their doing. If you are putting out even though you don't feel the love, he'll think everything is ok and won't put any effort into changing his methods.

 

If he still gets the good stuff even if he's never home and hanging with the buddies, then he'll keep doing it.

 

This is why guys feel so blind sounded and come home to find another man in their bed or come home to find the wife has packed the bags and left.

 

They thought everything was fine because they had sex on the 3rd Saturday of the month just like they have every month for the last 3 years.

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Thanks everyone! I'll try to talk to him about it again. This time I won't wait until right before we fall asleep. I'll do my best to convey how important I feel about this.

 

 

 

To Turtles - his behavior in this regard doesn't change whether I put out or not.

 

True, and I was not accusing you, just encouraging you to keep an open mind.

 

If you tell me "If you were like this more, we'd have sex", I feel like you have this set of tests for me to pass before you "grace" me with access to your genitals. What you're saying is, you ain't good enough for me. "Try harder." Next time we are together horsing around and having fun, I am thinking - "Well, is that good enough for you?" - and the thing is, it's never good enough, because that's not how sex and desire work. And pretty soon we are in a situation where I don't really care what you think, I'm just going to do my own thing, because who cares - I'll always fail your test. And you know what? Your genitals are not that special anyway. And yes, now we're at the point where you can be "swapped out", but it didn't have to be this way, and it wasn't always like that.

 

So, I know you can't take back what you said, but I know if you care about him and want to have a chance at love with him again, you need to be careful with that kind of comment, because any time you tell a man he's not good enough to have sex with you, it's going to be a big blow to his ego. To have a good day and feel like a bit of the connection coming back then have that bucket of water thrown on you... ouch. It's very emasculating. I winced when I read your post because I can totally see where he is coming from and I think that (based on your comment & replies) you can't. So that's all I'm trying to help you see here.

 

And finally, should you have sex with him anyway, even though you don't want to? I don't know, I guess it depends, if it can be something that you do with love, even though the desire may not be burning, then maybe? Don't do it if you already feel resentful. But if you have a nice day like that one? Think of it as positive reinforcement. Just like training a puppy :)

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Carrie, holding back sex is a sure fire way to kill your marriage. This dynamic can become the hamster wheel. You with hold sex, then he with holds the emotions, round and round you go.

 

Point being is, what your doing isn't working and its coming from anger. Communication is the key. The way you explain to him your needs is really important so that he doesn't feel attacked.

 

We are wired differently then men. For most of us, we need emotional connections to desire sex, for men they need sex to feel emotional connection. In a sense niether of you are getting what you need here. The problem, from what I see is your not understanding that.

 

One of you has to jump off the wheel. Since your the one that has a better grip on the issue maybe you should be the one to make the jump. Show him your sexually attracted and desire his touch. He will most likely then be more willing to fill your needs for intimate non sexual contact, and emotional connection.

 

Your way isn't working, try something new from your end. Hopefully he will follow. However in the end you can only control what you do, if your marriage falls apart at least you will know you did all you could.

 

Sending you best wishes on getting through this.

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If you tell me "If you were like this more, we'd have sex", I feel like you have this set of tests for me to pass before you "grace" me with access to your genitals. What you're saying is, you ain't good enough for me. "Try harder." Next time we are together horsing around and having fun, I am thinking - "Well, is that good enough for you?" - and the thing is, it's never good enough, because that's not how sex and desire work. And pretty soon we are in a situation where I don't really care what you think, I'm just going to do my own thing, because who cares - I'll always fail your test. And you know what? Your genitals are not that special anyway. And yes, now we're at the point where you can be "swapped out", but it didn't have to be this way, and it wasn't always like that.

 

I realized the way I said it was a mistake as soon as I said it. Oops!

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Well, we had a better weekend. He made an effort to be more affectionate. We did have sex. Unfortunately, I feel like this will all be for nothing because we had another fight and are no longer wearing our rings. :(

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cozycottagelg
It will change in time if it turns in to starfish sex or dries up completely.

 

Turtles makes a valid point. Men need sex in order to feel cuddley and lovely-dovey.

 

The difference is men aren't as in tune with relationship dynamics and there is a lag-time between when things start going bad and men begin to notice....If they notice at all.

 

Another problem is as I mentioned earlier, if sex is taking place, they'll think everything is ok and just keep doing what their doing. If you are putting out even though you don't feel the love, he'll think everything is ok and won't put any effort into changing his methods.

 

If he still gets the good stuff even if he's never home and hanging with the buddies, then he'll keep doing it.

 

This is why guys feel so blind sounded and come home to find another man in their bed or come home to find the wife has packed the bags and left.

 

They thought everything was fine because they had sex on the 3rd Saturday of the month just like they have every month for the last 3 years.

 

This is so true, and also so discouraging.

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Well, we had a better weekend. He made an effort to be more affectionate. We did have sex. Unfortunately, I feel like this will all be for nothing because we had another fight and are no longer wearing our rings. :(

 

Sorry Carrie, I hope you guys pull through, at least you are still fighting for it - don't give up!

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Candy_Pants

You are both rejecting each other's bids for attention/affection. Once this snowball starts rolling downhill, animosity builds, things get worse, and even less bids for attention/affection are noticed and/or reciprocated.

 

Are you serious about getting help? Not just for the sexual aspect, but for the emotional/mental aspects? If so, start by paying close attention to his bids for attention/affection. They come in many many shapes and forms, so return ANY AND ALL bids in a positive manner. If he sparks a conversation, put everything down, turn toward him, hold his hand or rub his back. He might be confused, continue. Make it a priority to focus on him in a positive way. He will start returning the favor, and things will improve. And the sexual aspect will fall naturally into place.

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Candy_Pants
Well, we had a better weekend. He made an effort to be more affectionate. We did have sex. Unfortunately, I feel like this will all be for nothing because we had another fight and are no longer wearing our rings. :(

 

Oh sweetheart :( (((((hugs))))). My husband and I were/are going through something similar. I wish you had private message privileges so I could help more!!

 

A very wise poster on here told me that the first rule of arguments is fighting fair. For us that means no name calling, no aggressive movements, no holding the relationship hostage (talking about divorce every time we argue), and we force ourselves to sit toward each other, hold hands, and look in each other's eyes (it minimizes the anger and increases the empathy).

 

We are reading an incredible book that's helping us immensely, I HIGHLY suggest it.

 

The Relationship Cure, by John M. Gottman, Ph.D.

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You are both rejecting each other's bids for attention/affection. Once this snowball starts rolling downhill, animosity builds, things get worse, and even less bids for attention/affection are noticed and/or reciprocated.

 

Are you serious about getting help? Not just for the sexual aspect, but for the emotional/mental aspects? If so, start by paying close attention to his bids for attention/affection. They come in many many shapes and forms, so return ANY AND ALL bids in a positive manner. If he sparks a conversation, put everything down, turn toward him, hold his hand or rub his back. He might be confused, continue. Make it a priority to focus on him in a positive way. He will start returning the favor, and things will improve. And the sexual aspect will fall naturally into place.

 

This is not so easy. We have two young kids. I'll try to do this when it's just the two of us but I can't really act like this during the day. At least some of my attention needs to be on keeping the two troublemakers in line!

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Candy_Pants
This is not so easy. We have two young kids. I'll try to do this when it's just the two of us but I can't really act like this during the day. At least some of my attention needs to be on keeping the two troublemakers in line!

 

I understand. I didn't mean to imply ALL your attention, but YES, an equal.amount. For instance you can say, "I'd love to hear about your day after I get the kids a snack." It's much better than blowing him off, wouldn't you say?

 

Here's the book I mentioned. It is truly an incredible help, but you (preferably both of you) have to be willing to try try try!!

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A very wise poster on here told me that the first rule of arguments is fighting fair. For us that means no name calling, no aggressive movements, no holding the relationship hostage (talking about divorce every time we argue), and we force ourselves to sit toward each other, hold hands, and look in each other's eyes (it minimizes the anger and increases the empathy).

 

We have these same rules! We have the most problems when he drinks with his friends. He gets so mad at me. Everything becomes my fault. All of the rules are ignored. He yells at me in front of his friends, tells me it's over, and walks out. This weekend was the last straw. I don't think any amount of affection can help us overcome this fight.

 

For what it's worth, the fight was completely stupid to begin with. The baby woke up while his friends were over. I tried to get her back to sleep for half an hour before I went to him to help. He refused, started calling me names, and said that it was my responsibility to get her to sleep. (She finally fell asleep again four hours later, after everyone left.)

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Candy_Pants

Yuck. The drinking has to stop. I don't like ultimatums but the drinking is grounds for a HUGE one. If he can't behave like an adult while drinking, much less a husband and father, then he shouldn't get the benefits of being a husband or father.

 

My H used to get very angry with me while drinking. So I told him it was rum, or me. He had reached the same conclusion thankfully and doesn't drink rum anymore. We also found out that he's hypoglycemic which means rum actually made him angry on a chemical level, not just an ******* level ;).

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Yuck. The drinking has to stop. I don't like ultimatums but the drinking is grounds for a HUGE one. If he can't behave like an adult while drinking, much less a husband and father, then he shouldn't get the benefits of being a husband or father.

 

I agree with you. I've told him before: "You are a dad. Act like it." All he agreed to was to drink less, which clearly hasn't happened.

 

His friends are all big drinkers. His family are too but we don't live in the same state as them anymore so he only drinks with his friends. None of his friends have kids. He's stuck in that mentality I guess. I don't think he will ever give up drinking, not even for me and the kids.

 

We've gotten into an argument before because he wanted to play beer pong in front of our four year old. He didn't want to wait AN HOUR until our boy's bedtime.

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