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My husband ignores me


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ms.stressed

We work different schedules. I work during the week, he works 12 hour weekends. I go to his job to spend time with him and have lunch with him. We talk for 10 minutes and the rest of the time, he is on social media or texting his friends. He doesn't have sex with me unless I get upset. He doesn't deeply kiss me. He pecks me. He says it because his breath stinks.

 

I am not ugly. I have a nice body that I maintain by working out. He says I am attractive to him but he just does not feel like being intimate. He does not want an open relationship either. I am running out of options. I feel ugly, undesired and unwanted by my husband. I have talked to him about this already and there have been no changes. I love sex and intimacy but my husband is not giving me this. We have been together for 10 years married less than 1 year. He was not like this in the beginning of our relationship.

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You mean that he doesn't have sex with you... when you go to him during work? Or do you mean all the rest of the time as well?

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ms.stressed

He's off 3 days a week and doesn't want to have sex unless I say something about it.

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ms.stressed

Yep, same one. I believe in forgiveness. Everyone has the ability the change. I stayed up at night thinking how ironic that his libido was not an issue when he was cheating...now he's faithful and his libido is non existant. I feel like I am not his type (he always liked latinas, I am AA)

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Yep, same one. I believe in forgiveness. Everyone has the ability the change. I stayed up at night thinking how ironic that his libido was not an issue when he was cheating...now he's faithful and his libido is non existant. I feel like I am not his type (he always liked latinas, I am AA)

 

Does not seem like he's changing. I normally wouldn't jump to the cheating conclusion, but given your history, it seems quite likely. Have you thought that the reason for his 'non-existent' libido might be that he's still cheating on you?

 

Why are you still with him?

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We work different schedules. I work during the week, he works 12 hour weekends. I go to his job to spend time with him and have lunch with him. We talk for 10 minutes and the rest of the time, he is on social media or texting his friends. He doesn't have sex with me unless I get upset. He doesn't deeply kiss me. He pecks me. He says it because his breath stinks.

 

I am not ugly. I have a nice body that I maintain by working out. He says I am attractive to him but he just does not feel like being intimate. He does not want an open relationship either. I am running out of options. I feel ugly, undesired and unwanted by my husband. I have talked to him about this already and there have been no changes. I love sex and intimacy but my husband is not giving me this. We have been together for 10 years married less than 1 year. He was not like this in the beginning of our relationship.

To me he sounds like he needs the attraction and trying to win you over all over again. He is probably cheating and enjoying other women on the side. If you had to show signs of ignoring him, he will start to pursue you again in the interests of winning you over.

Making yourself too available to him and promising him you are all his, is making him desire you less. Most men are NOT like him, but he appears to be this type. Over time he will actually believe that he doesn't feel much desire for you, but will stay with you for all the benefits, perks, and your love and devotion to him.

He will blow hot and cold with you, according to his sense of whether you are pursuing him, or walking away from him, and will only pursue you if you seem disinterested.

Frankly, it's a lot of work on your part and not worth it.

Find out who he is having sex with. Do it discretely. He needs the Time and the Opportunity/location. He needs to Communicate with women.

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ms.stressed
Does not seem like he's changing. I normally wouldn't jump to the cheating conclusion, but given your history, it seems quite likely. Have you thought that the reason for his 'non-existent' libido might be that he's still cheating on you?

 

Why are you still with him?

 

I am in love with him and I thought love was enough. I know he isn't cheating on me. I had this notion that notion that if you love someone then the problems you face will not be enough to decemate a relationship. "Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." I believe that. I get the impression that if my marriage fails then this belief would be shattered. So, I gotta keep pushing. Everyone has boundaries but I have not reached my breaking point. Call me a glutton for hurt, but I belief our relationship can be saved. We already did counseling and therapy prior to getting married, btw.

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ms.stressed

You know what? You pretty much hit the nail on the head. When I am mad, he goes on the pursuit. When I am happy, he is disinterested, lmfao. Wow...that is a good assessment. I am not like that. I want to show my feelings. I thought that looking good would be enough but I guess not :-/

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You know what? You pretty much hit the nail on the head. When I am mad, he goes on the pursuit. When I am happy, he is disinterested, lmfao. Wow...that is a good assessment. I am not like that. I want to show my feelings. I thought that looking good would be enough but I guess not :-/

 

I think you have two threads about this going on at once. So, I am bringing my original response over here.

 

Sounds like a damn fool. Sorry to be so blunt. But, sounds like his priorities are a little out of whack. He should be on the social media's ten minutes and with you after that if anything. Pecking is best left for the birds. This is a grown ass man, here.

 

Not his breath that really stinks to be honest. More like his lackadaisical attitude.

 

You know that you got it going on. You deserve to be desired by a man who can appreciate you completely. Unless his actions change real quick, then perhaps it's lights out, and fire up the grill because his goose is cooked.

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ms.stressed

Thank you. This is a major problem because sex and *intimacy* is important to me. I need to feel desired and be desired by my spouse. I hate when he turns me away. This is a problem and it is hurting our marriage.

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Thank you. This is a major problem because sex and *intimacy* is important to me. I need to feel desired and be desired by my spouse. I hate when he turns me away. This is a problem and it is hurting our marriage.

 

This is obviously coming from a man's point of view. Yet even still, you definitely have every right to feel desired. When I was with my ex and we were never having sex, what was missed most of all was intimacy. She simply never made me feel desired. It was one of the last straws to be honest. I totally get what you seem to be throwing down. You are stressed because he seems to be playing the part of the fool.

 

What is such a damn shame is that some of us men fail to realize that you obviously are a strong, independent individual. This all alone should be embraced. Yet at the end of the day, you are still a woman. If that makes any sense at all.

 

He seriously needs to step up to the plate, here. Otherwise, he is going to perhaps find his behind being kicked to the curb for good.

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I am in love with him and I thought love was enough. I know he isn't cheating on me. I had this notion that notion that if you love someone then the problems you face will not be enough to decemate a relationship. "Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." I believe that. I get the impression that if my marriage fails then this belief would be shattered. So, I gotta keep pushing. Everyone has boundaries but I have not reached my breaking point. Call me a glutton for hurt, but I belief our relationship can be saved. We already did counseling and therapy prior to getting married, btw.

Do you have children together?

 

Mr. Lucky

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ms.stressed

We don't have children. I try to spice things up by wearing sexy lingerie but he says it is sexy and will not touch me. I try to sit on top of him and touch his face, he tells me he is not in the mood or he is busy texting his friends.

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Looked at your history.

 

Looks like before - when he consistently cheated.

 

You've overlooked his cheating for years and married him anyway - he's likely still doing the same.

 

 

You were intent to have him/marry him.

 

 

There's no evidence to show he's changed.

 

You signed up to be with a cheater.

 

What do YOU intend to change FOR yourself?

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ms.stressed

I don't know. I'm going to distance myself for a bit. I don't believe in cheating or being spiteful. I have a hard time talking to other people about my issues. I feel alone and isolated. I have a journal where I write out my thoughts but sometimes it's too overwhelming to write and I try not to cry. I would like to have people I can talk to, but as I said, I don't like people I know to know what is going on...it's kind of a matter or privacy. I feel open and vunerable and I hate feeling like that to the outside world.

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I don't know. I'm going to distance myself for a bit. I don't believe in cheating or being spiteful. I have a hard time talking to other people about my issues. I feel alone and isolated. I have a journal where I write out my thoughts but sometimes it's too overwhelming to write and I try not to cry. I would like to have people I can talk to, but as I said, I don't like people I know to know what is going on...it's kind of a matter or privacy. I feel open and vunerable and I hate feeling like that to the outside world.

 

It is honorable that you have no desire to cheat. You are being the better person here by not doing something that compromises who you are. Even as hurt as you seem to be.

 

Just not sure what in the Sam Hill is wrong with this man. If I was texting my friend and a sexy ass woman jumped on top of me, then it would be on like Donkey Kong. Even with the latest LeBron drama and no matter what else was going down. Social media can wait till later, know what I'm saying?

 

I can see what you are saying about feeling vulnerable. It is good that boards like this exist. Gives you a chance to talk about things that you cannot necessarily discuss with friends or family. Hopefully, some of us strangers can offer suggestions which may be useful going forward.

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Stop begging him for sex. Dress up, heels, do your hair and nails, perfume, the whole works. Do not even look at him like you want to get laid. Go about your business shopping, cooking, reading, tv and always have a smile on your face and appear happy. He will wonder why you aren't wanting sex and then he will want it from you. Do not give it to him when he asks for it. Stop calling him during the day. He is taking you for granted and the only way to stop this is to stop any and all affection.

 

I really cannot understand why you would want to marry a guy who cheats, is not attracted to you (only likes Latinas), and will not have sex with you. How did you fall in love with him? If I were you I would leave him and not look back because honestly honey, I don't think he will change. It doesn't seem like he was ever in love with you the way you are with him. You cannot make someone love you no matter how much you try.

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It doesn't seem like he was ever in love with you the way you are with him. You cannot make someone love you no matter how much you try.

Amen. It's a shame you've wasted 10 years with him. I wouldn't invest another day...

 

Mr. Lucky

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ms.stressed

I thought the same thing. When we first talked about it prior to me coming on here he said he has already had all the sex he could get. I stayed up all night after that. He said he didn't intend for it to come out that way he was trying to say that he can be next to me and not want to have sex and that is special. So we had sex that night. Then the next day it was back to ignoring me. Then I tried again the next week, nothing. So I talked about it. He said he was tired because of work so I let it go. Then I made an attempt on one of his days off, nothing. So I went for a drive and talked to him about it the next day. You see the pattern?

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ms.stressed

My family says the same thing. Everyone sees it but him. Even his friends. One time, he got mad at his friends so he wrote a note saying we aren't happy and wished me good luck. He drove to Beaumont while his friends and I were looking for him. I got so scared because I couldn't find him. My family and friends said I needed to leave him alone but I couldn't. I was worried because he did not tell me where he went, he just left. Later we found out he drove to Beaumont. I was so happy when he came home. Then I became upset because of what he put us through.

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ms.stressed

I am going to distance myself from him. Do the things I like to do, go to libraries, parks, the gym, museums, drives, et cetera... I can't keep making myself accessible and constantly be rejected.

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