No sex for a year...

[nosexguy]

Hello to all, newbie here. I understand that I won't get any perfect answers on this but I feel like maybe venting a bit will help me and possibly I can get some insight on some other opinions here.

I'm 31, in an almost 10yr relationship with my lady and we have a 4yr old son together. After having our son things changed a lot which I fully expected, some things however are getting harder and harder to deal with...

 

 

After she gave birth to our son the sex went right out the window, which I expected it would. We are both first time parents, neither of us knew what the hell we were doing. A lot of sleepless nights, she breastfed so she really had a lot of sleepless nights. I truly do feel bad about that for her, and she really had zero problems panning all the blame off to me. We were/are still very stressed, no hiding that.

 

 

I know that having a child can be a very physically and emotionally taxing on a women. I thought maybe the sex going out the window had a lot to do with the fact that she didn't want to go through that again, even though we discussed having multiple children.

 

 

Because of my work, I was able to watch our son during the day and do my artwork at nights. She on the other hand has a great job and gets paid very well. She is the bread winner of our household, yes she has me by the balls on that one! Our relationship gradually grew apart as we focused more on the happiness of our child, and less on the happiness of ourselves.

 

 

I do go to my friends house for a few hours for a breather, though I did/do feel guilty about it, and she made me feel that way also. I also felt that I deserved a break after raising my son everyday, dealing with stress, I knew when I needed to go or my mouth would get me in trouble.

Fast forward a few years of us not seeing completely eye to eye, mainly since she feels like I have it easy, I have grown to resent her for that over the years. While my work took a back seat to our child (and rightfully so) I have become a great father but apparently poor relationship material.

 

 

Two years ago my brother in law tragically lost his life and I was very depressed about it, my drinking started getting heavier, my dwindling relationship was depressing on top of it all. We grew even further apart, to the point where sex was no longer happening and if it did it was because I pursued it and she seemed just ok to not have any sex at all. She isn't a very open person and I'm the type who wants to put it all out on the table.

 

 

I believe because I'm so open, our conversations ultimately made her close off even more. Like the more I pushed for answers the less I got. I was raised in an open home, I cant suppress my emotions as well as she seems to be able to.

 

 

Now its been over 11 months since we were intimate, and before anyone asks, I always make sure to take care of her first and foremost in the bedroom. Not saying I'm cassanova but I'm good in the sack and I have no short comings if you know what I'm saying. I have heard every possible excuse on gods green earth over the past year, to the point where I was questioning me and everything I do/have done. She actually had me feeling like I was to blame. Now, I dusted myself off and did a lot of sole searching and a lot of research on this. I now realize that you know what, I'm a great person, a good father, and I deserve happiness.

 

 

I have considered having some side candy, I have women hit on me all the time. However, I love my girl and I would jump in front of a moving bus to save her, I want our relationship to come around and I couldn't bare the thought of leaving our son behind and move on. Not to mention that I can't really bare the thought of sleeping with another women because I love her and don't want to hurt her.

 

 

She knows that I want sex(really love making) every second of the day, I have a huge sex drive. I have explained this over and over to her to no avail. I'm not sure what I'm looking to get out of this post but it sure feels good to get this off my back. I want to be happy with our family but ultimately I'm at a cross roads here on what to do. Its getting to the point of the more I do the less she does and I'm starting to feel like I deserve better.

 

 

I tried to get her to consider counseling, either group or alone, she claims she doesn't have the time and doesn't want to foot the bill(though she certainly finds time to exercise, shop, and spent all her money on silly things), and not to mention that she's not an open person so I doubt it would help her much. I'm really at wits end here, any opinions, thoughts, or questions are certainly welcome, I hope someone here can help me in some way or another and maybe I can salvage our relationship. Sorry for the rambling and I hope that someone has the time to read this! Thanks in advance for any help or insight!!!

Edited June 23, 2014 by nosexguy
Some weird edit/font thing was at the bottom??

[clia]

I have heard every possible excuse on gods green earth over the past year, to the point where I was questioning me and everything I do/have done. She actually had me feeling like I was to blame. Now, I dusted myself off and did a lot of sole searching and a lot of research on this. I now realize that you know what, I'm a great person, a good father, and I deserve happiness.

 

What is her explanation for not wanting to have sex?

 

Do you currently make any income?

[oldshirt]

This is really a pretty textbook case of her losing respect for which in turn has caused her to lose attraction to you.

 

The first thing I'm going to do is reccommend some books to read cover to cover and then put together a game plan.

 

The first is "No More Mr Nice Guy," by Robert Glover. The others are "The Married Man Sexllife Primer," and "the Mindful Attraction Plan," both by Athol Kay.

 

The Athol Kay books will do a good job of explaining how female attraction works within a married and the things that will destroy attraction ( such as chronic unemployment/underemployment, alcohol abuse, neglect/abandonment of masculine responsibilities etc etc)

 

Things that you will quickly discover you need to work on are finding decent supporting fulltime employment that pays the bills, stop drinking, stop spending hours a day at friends and dumping her with the kid after she's been at work all day.

 

Also you don't mention if you are actually married or not. If not, that is probably a huge deal here. A responsible man who loves and is dedicated to his woman and his family, marries the mother of his child and provides them with stability and support.

 

If you didn't marry her when she was pregnant a part of her sees you as just some horny freeloader that only wants her for poontang and is too immature to step up to the plate to provide for your family.

 

My guess is the only reason she keeps you around AT ALL is because you babysit during the day so she can support the family.

 

In short, she sees you as a immature boy that wants to play and not as a responsible adult male.

 

Now at this point I am NOT recommending you try to marry her. If she is smart at all she will say no .....and it wont help your sexlife at all at this point even if she did.

 

You need to address all these other things first and show her you can take care of a family responsibly first.

 

You have a lot of work to do and it will take many months if not actually a couple years to undo the damage and earn her confidence in you.

 

You are also at great risk of her finding someone else in the meantime as if she were to encounter a developed adult male that would have her, she would probably jump ship and monkey swing to him very quickly.

 

Please read the books ASAP and begin working to gain her trust and respect if you ever hope to have a healthy sexlife with her again.

 

It will probably be easier to just move on and find someone else though. It will be your own values and moral compass that will determine whether you step up to the plate to support your family or leave them to play with others that don't bog you down with family responsibilities.

[dichotomy]

If you ARE married, and in the United States... take care of your child during the day (primary care giver), and she is the main breadwinner....your going to do well in a divorce proceeding - maybe even getting primary custody and child support or alimony or half the assets she has earned. Keep this in mind she has more to loose in this situation (rare thing). Yes I know you love her, but I question if she loves you - or even respects you.

 

From what i read - there is little chance your going to stoke her fire for you with out massive changes in your situation and self as oldshirt mentions..

 

 

P.S. make sure she is not cheating on you already. Powerful successful career woman, who does not take care of the child during the day, and has no sex with you for a year? you think her drive is dead in general?

Edited June 24, 2014 by dichotomy

[oldshirt]

Here's a few more responses in bold to some of your specific points.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm 31, in an almost 10yr relationship with my lady and we have a 4yr old son together.

 

 

Please address if you are married or not.

 

 

 

 

 

After she gave birth to our son the sex went right out the window, which I expected it would.

 

 

Very common, almost universal for the sexlife to take a hit after baby comes, but libido and marital sexlife should return to a degree after awhile. to let it go this long is not a good sign.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A lot of sleepless nights, she breastfed so she really had a lot of sleepless nights. I truly do feel bad about that for her, and she really had zero problems panning all the blame off to me.

 

 

 

 

She blames you for her breastfeeding? Please explain.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know that having a child can be a very physically and emotionally taxing on a women. I thought maybe the sex going out the window had a lot to do with the fact that she didn't want to go through that again, even though we discussed having multiple children.

 

 

 

 

 

What have you done to help raise the child and take some of the stress and responsibility off of her since the child was born?

 

Because of my work, I was able to watch our son during the day and do my artwork at nights.

 

 

Does your artwork bring in money to support a family? Do you have any other form of employment or income?

More importantly, have you made any strides towards getting a supporting income?

 

 

 

 

 

 

She on the other hand has a great job and gets paid very well. She is the bread winner of our household, yes she has me by the balls on that one!

 

 

 

 

Please read the books I mentioned in my first post and check out the forums on Athol Kay's website. You will quickly learn that women cannot respect and hence cannot desire men they have by the balls.

 

 

 

 

Our relationship gradually grew apart as we focused more on the happiness of our child, and less on the happiness of ourselves.

 

 

 

 

I have the feeling that is her story, not yours.

 

 

I do go to my friends house for a few hours for a breather, though I did/do feel guilty about it, and she made me feel that way also.

 

 

If this is once every so often (as in every few weeks or month or so) this shouldn't be too big of a deal.

If it's a few times a week or so it may be. If it's daily or more than several times a week, I'm on her side.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I also felt that I deserved a break after raising my son everyday, dealing with stress, I knew when I needed to go or my mouth would get me in trouble.

 

 

 

 

I'm not sure that parenthood really comes with "breaks."

Now of course parents should get away for date nights and to get a variety of things done and yes people need to get away from kids for awhile.

But it's a matter of degrees. a few hour date night every week or so is good for a couple and parents should work together so that one person is not carrying a disproportionate amount of the load. But if you are talking about a few hours daily and dumping the kid on your wife when she gets home from putting food on the table every day, that is simply ridiculous.

 

 

 

Fast forward a few years of us not seeing completely eye to eye, mainly since she feels like I have it easy,

 

 

If it really is the way I am reading things, I'd say she has a legitimate grievence.

 

 

 

 

I have grown to resent her for that over the years.

 

 

This is important - women are a million zillion fillion times better able to read people's emotions than men. She knows you are resentful and in her eyes the only thing you have to be resentful about is that you aren't getting enough poontang. she likely doesn't see you as deserving any poon because you have not been fully engaged in supporting the family and supporting her in raising the child you impregnated her with.

This is more important: The real resentment that is causing the lack of sexuality in your relationship is HER resentment. She has a ton of it. a lot of it may be justified.

You will likely need a competent therapist and counseling to peel through all the layers of resentment on both sides and work out a workable solution.

 

 

 

 

While my work took a back seat to our child (and rightfully so) I have become a great father but apparently poor relationship material.

 

 

 

Touchy subject here. People have deeply held, perhaps even instinctive beliefs on what makes a good partner and a good parent and good relationship material.

you have a nontraditional family here. From what you have written you have a 10 yr R with a 4 year old child but are not married. - you do not have fulltime family-supportive employment or income. you are a stay at home dad.

In the eyes of her female instinct, you are not a good father but rather a mediocre mother at best or perhaps even just a nanny (and a nanny that wants poontang in exchange for babysitting)

Hate to break it to you but on a deep instinctual level, women are not attracted to and do not desire other mothers and they certainly don't desire nannys.

They desire men that are strong and courageous and leave the house everyday with their clubs and spears and go out and slay wooly mammoths and fight off saber tooth tigers and bring home the meat to feed their families and fight off intruders at night.

When you spend the day changing diapers while she brings home the protein and then when she gets home, you go to your buddies and get drunk then come home in the middle of the night with a hard on and want some action. Her subconscious instincts slam her legs shut tighter than Fort Knox.

 

 

 

 

So here is where I am going with this - you may be a great father in terms of interactions with your child. But she see's you as a flop of a husband don't provide an income and financial stability to support the family and when she gets home what she see's you doing is heading to your buddies and drinking too much.

Not sexy.

 

 

Two years ago my brother in law tragically lost his life and I was very depressed about it, my drinking started getting heavier, my dwindling relationship was depressing on top of it all.

 

 

depression and alcoholism are both diseases and disabling diseases at that. They need to be treated appropriately and delt with in a therapeutic and appropriate manner. If these conditions were affecting your ability to function as a partner and father and human being and you were doing nothing to fix it, that is also a huge attraction killer.

 

 

We grew even further apart, to the point where sex was no longer happening and if it did it was because I pursued it

 

 

That's called 'duty sex' or perhaps even 'starfish sex.' look both of those terms up. That's where she is just basically putting out to shut you up and have you quit whining and bugging her for a night. Not because she actually wants to or is actually attracted to you.

 

 

 

 

and she seemed just ok to not have any sex at all.

 

 

This is the difference between the boys and the girls. Boys have what's called spontaneous desire, which means they will be horny and want sex even if there aren't any women that they desire around.

Women have what is called 'responsive desire' which means that their sexual response often needs to be stimulated by a man they find attractive and desirable. If there is not a man in their life that they find attractive and that stimulates their desire, they can go for literally years and years without having sex or feeling an overwhelming urge to go out and find some.

The real danger here is if a man comes along that gives her the nudge-nudge, wink-wink that she finds attractive and worthy, Her desire will come flooding back like a tidal wave.... but it will be for HIM and not for you!

To justify her lust for him, her subconscious will convince her that she never loved you and that getting involved with you and having a child with you was a mistake and she will fall in love with him and can drop the ax on you in literally days.

This is a very serious situation you are in. This goes way way deeper than a gal that had a baby and lost her libido. You are at a very real risk of her falling for someone else a cutting you out of her life with the cold, calculated precision of a surgeon's scalpel.

 

 

 

 

She isn't a very open person and I'm the type who wants to put it all out on the table.

 

 

 

She may have just lost so many feelings for you that she just has nothing to discuss.

 

I believe because I'm so open, our conversations ultimately made her close off even more.

 

 

You are probably correct on this point. This kinda goes back to the nanny thing. It's chicks that want to talk about feelings and relationships and such. And it's chicks that whine and moan about not getting enough attention etc.

When you whine about feelings and attention and want to talk about relationship matters and feelings etc, she is seeing you as a chick.

Again, not sexy.

 

 

 

 

Now its been over 11 months since we were intimate, and before anyone asks, I always make sure to take care of her first and foremost in the bedroom. Not saying I'm cassanova but I'm good in the sack and I have no short comings if you know what I'm saying.

 

 

The problem is those things worked 10 years ago when you were carefree singles in your early 20s and had no children and no adult responsibilities.

You are adults with a young child now and to be perfectly honest, she probably couldn't care less about how big your Johnson is even if she ever did to begin with.

Her needs and the things that she desires and responds to now are different for her as a mother in her 30s vs when she was a young woman in her 20s.

 

 

 

 

I have heard every possible excuse on gods green earth over the past year

 

 

Have you heard the only honest one yet? - "I don't want to."

 

 

 

 

 

 

, to the point where I was questioning me and everything I do/have done. She actually had me feeling like I was to blame.

 

 

 

 

Blame really isn't the right word but much of her sexual response is in response to the dynamics and environment that you have created in your home and in your life together.

The good news to that is you MIGHT be able to turn it around.

 

 

 

 

Now, I dusted myself off and did a lot of sole searching and a lot of research on this. I now realize that you know what, I'm a great person, a good father, and I deserve happiness.

 

 

But are you a person that she can desire???????

 

 

I have considered having some side candy, I have women hit on me all the time.

 

 

Which means you aren't fat and ugly and smelly and gross. That's a good first step but you have to ask yourself if those women will still desire you if you knock them up, don't marry them, don't support them, make them support the family and then leave the kids with them while you go drink with your buddy when they get home at the end of the day?

 

 

 

 

 

 

However, I love my girl and I would jump in front of a moving bus to save her,

 

 

There's a great point to made here. Assuming that is true, She needs to not only know that, she needs to FEEL that, and in order to feel that, she needs to see it in action every day.

There may not be buses to jump in front of but there are tons of sacrifices to made and tons of work to do like finding a supportive job, getting sober and healthy and functional, taking care of home, keeping the cars in running order, managing the house hold budget and finances, making plans for the future, supporting and protecting her and the child etc etc etc

 

 

 

 

I want our relationship to come around and I couldn't bare the thought of leaving our son behind and move on. Not to mention that I can't really bare the thought of sleeping with another women because I love her and don't want to hurt her.

 

 

Again she needs to see that in action every day. ACTION is the key word here. She needs to see you DOING things, not just saying you will or talking about it.

 

 

She knows that I want sex(really love making) every second of the day, I have a huge sex drive.

 

 

Yes she knows that. But she can't feel what she doesn't feel and right now she feels no attraction or desire for you. and her attraction and desire is reactive to your behavior and your actions as a man, partner and father.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have explained this over and over to her to no avail.

 

 

And you can explain it until the earth crumbles back into cosmic dust because attraction is not a conscious choice or decision and words have no intrinsic value. only actions and behaviors do.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm not sure what I'm looking to get out of this post but it sure feels good to get this off my back. I want to be happy with our family but ultimately I'm at a cross roads here on what to do.

 

 

 

 

yes you are at a crossroads. both paths will take effort and work and expense. It will take effort and expense to move on and it will take effort and expense to work out your issues and earn her desire.

 

 

 

 

Its getting to the point of the more I do the less she does and I'm starting to feel like I deserve better.

 

 

 

 

A better way to word it is the more you whine and bitch the less she does. If you were to take more action in improving yourself and increasing your value to the household, she would probably respond positively to that.

 

 

I tried to get her to consider counseling, either group or alone, she claims she doesn't have the time and doesn't want to foot the bill

 

 

she knows you want to go to counseling to get more sex. Your sexual satisfaction is the last thing on her mind and that's why she doesn't have time for it and since she's the one bring home the money, she gets to decide what it's spent on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

(though she certainly finds time to exercise, shop, and spent all her money on silly things),

 

 

to her, your sexual needs are silly.

 

 

 

 

and not to mention that she's not an open person so I doubt it would help her much.

 

 

I'm going to challenge that notion and suggest that she in fact has told you countless times what she needs from you, you just haven't heard it.

She is not going to use the words, "I will want to have sex with you if you......." but she has probably said things like, "we would have more money to get out and do things if you got a job." or " I would have more energy at night if you weren't at Bob's till midnight....." And, "I don't feel like kissing you when your breath smells like Jack Daniels....." and "you would get more accomplished if you weren't drinking as much...."

I'm willing to bet you have heard things like that a thousand times, it just hasn't soaked in yet that she IS telling you what is turning her off and making her lose respect for it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm really at wits end here, any opinions, thoughts, or questions are certainly welcome, I hope someone here can help me in some way or another and maybe I can salvage our relationship. Sorry for the rambling and I hope that someone has the time to read this! Thanks in advance for any help or insight!!!

 

 

 

I have taken the time to read it all. Now I want you to take the time to read the books I mentioned in my first post. It will all start to make sense then.

[oldshirt]

If you ARE married, and in the United States... take care of your child during the day (primary care giver), and she is the main breadwinner....your going to do well in a divorce proceeding - maybe even getting primary custody and child support or alimony or half the assets she has earned.

 

 

 

?

 

 

 

This is likely why she hasn't already kicked you to the curb. It will simply cost her too much.

 

 

Trust me though, once she finds a guy that can foot the bill, you will be on the curb.

[oldshirt]

.

 

 

 

P.S. make sure she is not cheating on you already. Powerful successful career woman, who does not take care of the child during the day, and has no sex with you for a year? you think her drive is dead in general?

 

 

 

This is also a very real possibility.

 

 

I know you think she has lost her libido and sexdrive but if she is an otherwise healthy woman in her early 30s, her sexdrive is just fine. You need to understand that it's just she has lost her desire for YOU. some other guy may light her fire and she'd be a porn star out of control for him.

 

 

She may be just keeping you around for the daytime childcare. Look up the term "beta provider." that may be you. She may be screwing some stud at work while you watch Barney and do laundry.

 

 

 

 

You are going to have to do a massive amount of work and changes in yourself to reignite her desire for you. You are going to have to do that whether you want to have a life with her or with someone else so you need to get started either way.

 

 

But you at least do owe it to yourself to determine if she is getting her lovins somewhere else before you start off on that long journey.

 

 

If she hasn't had any for a year either she may or may not respond to your changes. But If she is getting the high hard one somewhere else, your chances of reviving her desire for you is pretty much zero no matter what you do.

 

 

If she is getting it elsewhere, you are better off moving on and working on yourself in hopes that someone else will take an interest.

 

 

You do deserve to know whether or not she has been celebate this whole time too or whether it has just been you that's been living without.

[nosexguy]

We are not married, when I say bread winner I mean she makes more, not much more, many times I will make her monthly salary in a few days. Some people would probably call her a self righteous b****. Her family has what I would call some mental issues, she had a drug addiction before I met her. I'm not talking about drinking a few beers a couple nights of the week like I may do, matter of fact she drinks on the weekends.

 

 

Her sex drive has never been great, there's really no better way to explain it other than she has some issues(not saying that I don't). I cook, clean, raise our child, pay some bills, do the grocery shopping, etc. I personally feel like I should be allowed a break for two hours a fn week. She gets to ham it up with her gal pals at work and be social, she gets to shop and get her hair done when she wants to, when she wants to hang out with her friends from work she gets to.

 

 

I have never met another like her lol...

 

 

On a positive note we did yoga together tonight and she seemed to be purring like kitten, I may need to take up yoga, or at least hit a yoga forum!

[oldshirt]

Hi nosexguy.

 

. While I am going to give you advise, I first want to address the responses you have had from old shirt and dichotomy first.

 

Both of you: STOP ENABLING WOMEN WHO WITHHOLD SEX.

 

Yes this guy has put himself in an awkward position by allowing himself to become financially dependent on his wife, but there is no excuse for her to withhold for 11 months.

 

.

 

 

 

 

 

Read a few of my posts and you will quickly see that I am quite harsh on women who withhold sex FOR NO VALID REASON and frequently advise men to move on and there have even been a few times I have supported men pursuing open marriage or even just getting some on the side whether their wife consents or not.

 

 

The situation here is he isn't holding up his end of the deal (at least the way he has written it)

 

 

 

 

In order for a man to be desired by his wife, he has to be desirable. a man who won't marry the woman he claims to love and has children with, doesn't work, doesn't bring in an income, who spends hours a day out with friends once his wife gets home from working all day, who has a drinking problem, and then whines and moans and bitches about not getting enough poon is not attractive.

 

 

A guy has to have his own act together and has to be taking care of business before he has a valid complaint of a sexless marriage.

 

 

 

 

Now I'll admit the true facts may be such I am being a little overly harsh on him but as he has it written now, I think the vast majority of normal, average women would also become pretty fed up and disrespecting of him as a man and as a partner and father.

 

 

I'm not saying he is a bad guy, I am saying he is not doing the things women find attractive and is not displaying the traits and characteristics that make men attractive to their wives and mothers. He may be able to pick up single, childless women in bars, but his partner and the mother of his child has valid reason to have lost her desire.

 

 

This is analogous to a woman who has gained 50 lbs, stopped washing her hair, brushing her teeth and stopped using deodorant and stopped being sexual and affectionate with her husband complaining that he isn't sweeping her off her feet and treating her like the princess like he used to.

 

 

Now if he were to come back here in a year and informed us that he has sobered up, got a supportive job, stopped whining and pressuring her for sex and was instead managing the household, managing the finances and making future plans for their security and well being as a family and had got fit and well dressed and was treating her with the dignity and respect that a wife and mother deserves and she was still coming up with every excuse in the book -

 

 

- I would say that he has done what he can and that he was doing his job with due diligence and if she still was not responding to him or showing any interest, he would be within his right to move on.

 

 

I believe that is fair.

[nosexguy]

oldshirt gay/gal,

 

 

I do not hang out hours of the day with my friends, at most 2-4 hours a week. Jesus Christ I can't have a life also?? I'm not some drunk rolling around on the ground like a jackass...

[nosexguy]

oldshirt *guy* not gay (I cant edit my post now for some reason)

[oldshirt]

OK that clarifies a few things a little better.

 

 

See below.

 

 

We are not married,

 

 

Why not?

Now I understand why you aren't dropping to one knee now and begging for her hand in marriage now. I get that.

But why not several years ago after you had been dating for several years and she was pregnant with your child?

 

 

 

 

when I say bread winner I mean she makes more, not much more, many times I will make her monthly salary in a few days.

 

 

OK thanks for clarifying that a little more. I'll cut you a little more slack.

However I pretty much guarantee you if you were to cut your drinking time and reduce some of your buddy time and dedicate yourself to making her monthly salary every few days ALL THE TIME, her attitude towards you would definitely change.

 

 

she had a drug addiction before I met her. I'm not talking about drinking a few beers a couple nights of the week like I may do, matter of fact she drinks on the weekends.

 

 

 

another bet - I bet if you were to draw the line on drinking for both of you and both of you direct your efforts to sobriety and having a more healthy and effective family life, it would pay good dividends.

 

Her sex drive has never been great, there's really no better way to explain it other than she has some issues(not saying that I don't)

 

 

 

 

this is significant information. The best sex couples usually have is within the first couple years of being together. with hard work you might be able to get a chunk of that back but rarely will it be as good as the early days before kids and bills etc and extremely rarely will it ever be better than that.

If you are wanting to live the porn life, you may be barking up a wrong tree here.

 

 

 

 

. I cook, clean, raise our child, pay some bills, do the grocery shopping, etc. I personally feel like I should be allowed a break for two hours a fn week.

 

 

A couple hours a week, sure. A few hours a day is a different story.

 

 

 

 

 

 

She gets to ham it up with her gal pals at work and be social, she gets to shop and get her hair done when she wants to, when she wants to hang out with her friends from work she gets to.

 

 

do you think she is being irresponsible and dropping the ball on her responsibilities???? if no, then don't bitch about it. If yes then address it like a responsible father would if he felt his family wasn't being adequately taken care of by their mother. Don't use it as your excuse to be irresponsible too.

 

 

I have never met another like her lol...

 

 

 

is that a good thing or a bad thing?

 

On a positive note we did yoga together tonight and she seemed to be purring like kitten, I may need to take up yoga, or at least hit a yoga forum!

 

 

 

 

Hey, anything that is healthy and is bonding and something to enjoy together is fair game!!

 

 

 

 

[oldshirt]

oldshirt gay/gal,

 

 

I do not hang out hours of the day with my friends, at most 2-4 hours a week. Jesus Christ I can't have a life also?? I'm not some drunk rolling around on the ground like a jackass...

 

 

 

OK, thanks for clarifying that.

 

 

In regards to things I have said about the drinking, in your opening post you said, "my drinking began getting heavier" which implied to me there was a preexisting drinking issue which had gotten worse.

 

 

I am far from a church lady but drugs and alcohol are one of those things that one does not have to be a rolling on the ground drunken jackass for it to have a negative impact on the sexlife.

 

 

The problem with drugs/alcohol is they make you perfectly happy to sit and do nothing. When your lady is having attraction issues with you, the last thing you want to be doing is sitting doing nothing. Very few things make legs slam shut faster than if some gal thinks that a guy is lazy or not doing enough.

 

 

My challenge is an experiment, reallocate your drinking time with doing something, anything, that is constructive instead. It may help but it certainly cannot hurt.

 

 

If you think her drinking is having a negative affect on the family at all then address it as well.

[giotto]

This is very interesting... I think your partner has lost respect/attraction for you... I was in a similar situation... I was working from home, looking after our son two days a week, when she went out to work, being the main breadwinner. One day she told me I wasn't "man enough" for her... In hindsight, I should have divorced her then... unfortunately, sometimes men can't win: you stay at home looking after your kids and doing everything in the house and you are weak, not man enough, a door mat... you go to work everyday, busting your balls to support the family and you are not home enough, you don't do enough, don't help, etc...

 

I would suggest you do your own thing... a year of no sex is just ridiculous. Drink if you want to drink and go and see your mates... live your own life. Be your own man.

[oldshirt]

 

Why did you have a child together but not get married?

 

If my wife treated me like this and didn't even bother to get married I would say goodbye and good luck with everything.

 

 

 

 

 

I was assuming he was the one that was rejecting marriage.

 

If he has made sincere and legitimate attempts to marry and she has rejected them, then I agree it's a lost cause and she is just not into him. Never was. Never will be. Move on. He's just her babysitter.

 

But if she was wanting marriage and he was making every excuse in the book, then that could very well be one of the significant factors in her resentment and standoffishness on intimacy.

[GemmaUK]

We are not married, when I say bread winner I mean she makes more, not much more, many times I will make her monthly salary in a few days.

 

How often is many times? Many times per month?

Having a child and a mortgage is the hit home and grow up time when sometimes work needs have to change in order to put the strain more equally onto both parties.

If the 'many times' of making her salary is say six times a year it might be worth thinking what you could do to up that.

Art can be a lifelong job but also I thinj she may be looking for a bit more stability in you.

If she gets sick then can you both rely on your income alone?

 

On a positive note we did yoga together tonight and she seemed to be purring like kitten, I may need to take up yoga, or at least hit a yoga forum!

 

If your normal day is taking care of your child and then evenings working it sounds like you give her no time, nothing of yourself.

 

This..she wants to spend time with you and 'be noticed' by you.

We need to know our men want us around in order to want to have sex with them.

 

If it's a case of day over, hop into bed after not sharing a glass of wine, a talk and some hugs at the end of the day then I would feel uninspired too.

 

You say you are pretty open about feelings but if she isn't (as you say) then she needs to bond and rebond..she needs you to focus on her sometimes.

 

She goes out to work each day, gets home and has to start all over again with the evening's child care due to your work.

You know how exhausting child care is.

Also, if Daddy is the one the child is closest to then Mummy won't be the right person to get that child to bed and to sleep. The lesser the ond makes the job ten times harder.

 

I do suspect she may have mentioned your work and not just on one occasion.

 

I don't see an issue with odd nights with your buddies, I don't see an issue with her keeping herself attractive (hair appointments). Plus you both do need time for yourselves.

I think she might well be shopping more due to 'retail therapy' . They call it that for a reason.

Women do that to fill a hole when they aren't getting love sometimes. Some women use chocolate in the same way too!

 

I think it's time for yourselves you have lost sight of. (She clearly enjoyed spending time doing yoga with you though didn't she!)

It's also possible that when she gets home she feels like a spare part in her own family. Not really required for anything more than bringing the bread home regularly.

 

I think you both could work on this. I think she possibly does feel a little outcast from home life.

She is 'needed' at work but not so at home..Not by the one she really wants to be needed by.

How often do you spoil her and show her how appreciated she is? Totally giving your time to her without requiring nor requesting or even mentioning sex?

[SmartDude]

She may be just keeping you around for the daytime childcare. Look up the term "beta provider." that may be you. She may be screwing some stud at work while you watch Barney and do laundry.

 

Hmm, so this guy is self-reportedly good looking and an artist. This is one area were all those arguments about self-help PUA, marriage tricks, reference to biological mating habits of prehistoric humans...etc., have no effect.

 

There are women out there who will go to great lengths to be with a good looking artist type ,who may or may not make money. And *gasp* it might have little to do with ancient human mating patterns and more to do with the attractive attributes of expressing ones "soul".

 

A guy who thinks in terms of the "provider" mind set, hates these other types of men. They get mad at artists because they equate how much money you make with success in life, and most artists are not "successful" in their minds.

 

The OP sounds like the guy all your wives are having sex with haha:p

[oldshirt]

 

There are women out there who will go to great lengths to be with a good looking artist type ,who may or may not make money. And *gasp* it might have little to do with ancient human mating patterns and more to do with the attractive attributes of expressing ones "soul".

 

A guy who thinks in terms of the "provider" mind set, hates these other types of men. They get mad at artists because they equate how much money you make with success in life, and most artists are not "successful" in their minds.

 

The OP sounds like the guy all your wives are having sex with haha:p

 

 

 

Only one flaw with that theory - his own wife is not having sex with him.

 

 

He may be able to bang other people's wives if they get an itch for an artsy guy but his own wife isn't interested.

[Thegameoflife]

I think the problem is that you're passive. You should have set her straight a long time ago about these issues. It has nothing to do with your income or being a stay at home dad, you're just whining, and not really stepping up and forcing a change. What women wants a man who won't even stand up to her?