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I want to leave my wife


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Hi LS

 

I have been a lurker for sometime, but now I need your opinions on this issue I am having, ergo this thread.

 

A little background on my situation, married just less than 12 months, both of us in our early twenties, and no kids.

 

I don't love my wife anymore, if I ever did. I care about her enough to feel bad about wanting to leave her. I think she loves me, but its a very selfish kind of love on her part, where I give and she takes. Our personalities are so incompatible and we have nothing in common. Intimacy is good, but sex is for the lack of better words, crap. When we are intimate (not intercourse), I feel like I should never leave her, because it reminds me of what we once had. We are not friends anymore, if ever we were, and I dread going home. I feel so lonely in this marriage, I got tricked into marrying someone else, that is, she was a different person before we got married, and now she is her true self. She told me she is depressed due to a major change in our life, and that I should give her time to adjust to the change. She ignores me and treats me like loving me is a chore. There isn't another woman, there isn't grass is greener syndrome, although I had way better relationships with my ex's than I have in this marriage.

 

I want to be single for the rest of my life, I don't care for relationships/married life and this marriage plus my previous relationships have proved my prior feelings/ideologies correct. Problem is, I don't know how to break up with her, I did breakup with her once before we got married and she got very pissed off at me. If I do it again, I don't know how upset she will be. Her family loves me and my family love her, so this is a difficult situation. How do I break up with my wife with minimum hurt? I don't want to lead her on, she can see i'm starting to detach and i'm starting to treat her a little... inconsiderately. I don't want to break her heart, and also she told me that she would never be with another guy ever again. Divorce carries a very big stigma in our culture for women and it will not be easy for her to remarry, although she wouldn't want to.

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mikethemechanic
Hi LS

 

I have been a lurker for sometime, but now I need your opinions on this issue I am having, ergo this thread.

 

A little background on my situation, married just less than 12 months, both of us in our early twenties, and no kids.

 

I don't love my wife anymore, if I ever did. I care about her enough to feel bad about wanting to leave her. I think she loves me, but its a very selfish kind of love on her part, where I give and she takes. Our personalities are so incompatible and we have nothing in common. Intimacy is good, but sex is for the lack of better words, crap. When we are intimate (not intercourse), I feel like I should never leave her, because it reminds me of what we once had. We are not friends anymore, if ever we were, and I dread going home. I feel so lonely in this marriage,

I got tricked into marrying someone else
, that is, she was a different person before we got married, and now she is her true self. She told me she is depressed due to a major change in our life, and that I should give her time to adjust to the change. She ignores me and treats me like loving me is a chore. There isn't another woman, there isn't grass is greener syndrome, although I had way better relationships with my ex's than I have in this marriage.

 

I want to be single for the rest of my life, I don't care for relationships/married life and this marriage plus my previous relationships have proved my prior feelings/ideologies correct. Problem is, I don't know how to break up with her, I did breakup with her once before we got married and she got very pissed off at me. If I do it again, I don't know how upset she will be. Her family loves me and my family love her, so this is a difficult situation. How do I break up with my wife with minimum hurt? I don't want to lead her on, she can see i'm starting to detach and i'm starting to treat her a little... inconsiderately. I don't want to break her heart, and also she told me that she would never be with another guy ever again. Divorce carries a very big stigma in our culture for women and it will not be easy for her to remarry, although she wouldn't want to.

 

how did you get tricked into marrying someone else? were you given an ultimatum; marry me or I'm going to tell your parents that you are a bad boy? don't tell me that your parents got a dowry and now you don't want too give the money back.

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Poppygoodwill

I'm curious about this too...how does someone force you to marry them?

 

The thing about marriage is that it's about compromise. The other person is not always going to be fun and games. That's the deal. You stick with them anyhow becuase you love them or you like them and hopefully both.

 

If you've made a massive mistake in agreeing to marry, then you should end it now. And take all the **** that is going to come wiht that decision. You went through with it when you shouldn't have, then you ahve to suck it up and deal with the consquences of that.

 

 

But first you should try everything to get things back on track. What about counseling?

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Thanks for your prompt responses, just to clarify what I mean by tricked into marriage. During our courtship, she was completely different to what she is now. She was a friend to me, a lover and a partner. I fell in love with her, and soon as we got married she literally changed 180 on me. Now she is a bitch to me, and on facebook she is blatantly advertising herself as single, not that I care about fb that much, I just think its disrespectful to me to upload sexy provocative pictures of herself out in town wearing whorish clothes without her rings on (which she wears religiously at home). I agree that I made a mistake marrying this girl, but I got lied to here! Just like a girl who fakes a high libido only to withold sex once a married woman, is it right to trick someone like that?

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Poppygoodwill

Sorry, but you're framing this all as you were sold a bad bill of goods and that nothing you have said or done has anythign to do with this 180 degree change.

 

Is it possible that her behaviour has changed because she's unhappy? That your marriage also isn't what she thought it would be? That you aren't who she thought you were?

 

When people are unhappy the first thing to go in a relationship is sex - married or not. It's a sign that something is wrong.

 

Have you talked about it together?

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whichwayisup

Just be honest with her and apologize for hurting her but that you don't want to be married. That she's done nothing wrong, that it's really you who just sees that you shouldn't have gotten married.

 

She is going to be hurt but don't let that prevent you from being honest. This doesn't have end in a nasty or mean way, be kind and respectful when you end it.

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whichwayisup
Thanks for your prompt responses, just to clarify what I mean by tricked into marriage. During our courtship, she was completely different to what she is now. She was a friend to me, a lover and a partner. I fell in love with her, and soon as we got married she literally changed 180 on me. Now she is a bitch to me, and on facebook she is blatantly advertising herself as single, not that I care about fb that much, I just think its disrespectful to me to upload sexy provocative pictures of herself out in town wearing whorish clothes without her rings on (which she wears religiously at home). I agree that I made a mistake marrying this girl, but I got lied to here! Just like a girl who fakes a high libido only to withold sex once a married woman, is it right to trick someone like that?

 

Sounds like you just married someone who isn't who they claimed to be. Maybe she has some mental health issues you weren't aware of? This is odd behaviour, and acting out like she has.

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Smilecharmer

Can you be specific on how she changed? Did you take her virginity and are in a culture where the only way to get a girl to have sex is through marriage? Will her family disown her or blame her? Will she be harmed for being a divorcee? Or because she isn't a virgin anymore? You said she can never marry again and probably thereby not have children if you divorce so if you divorce her she will have no offspring. Did she cheat on you? Did she physically abuse you? Is she really a man? What specific changes happened?

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Ninjainpajamas

Sounds like you've already made up your mind...the biggest thing here is you seem certain about ending this marriage, the stupid thing is you think you can actually end it in a "good way"...well if she's isn't ok with being divorced which most women her age aren't going to be once they get married, you're just going to have to be man enough to do it and walk away.

 

Maybe 20 years from now, and she's fallen out of love with you and doesn't really give a damn anymore what you do and she's kind of over the relationship anyway will she let you walk away.........MAYBE, but before then? ha!

 

There's no easy way out, there's no way she's going to let you walk away if she even feels the littlest desire for you to stay married, because trust me, she will guilt you, say and do nearly whatever it takes to keep you around and change your mind...you are not just going to simply walk away real nice and easy...you're dreaming and being a pussycat at the same time.

 

Regardless of how people may react initially and what they may think of you, you are young and inexperienced, you're expected to 50/50 make a stupid decision but the way she changed is "normal" but you'd have learned that through experience if you didn't get married...you can't expect this perfect relationship, relationships change and if you're not interested in commitment then you're going to have to get out of the relationship or whatever it is after a certain amount of time, most women are interested in it going the distance.

 

You're also going to have to stop blaming her for this and that, and pointing fingers, just makes you look like a whiny coward...be a "man" and recognize what you did wrong and take responsibility for what the choices and decisions YOU made that put yourself in this situation, ultimately nobody was holding a gun to your head to do this...yes, I know the pressure is strong and there can be a lot of influence coming from the outside like family/friends/culture...but you've got to stick to what you believe in, otherwise face the wrath or consequences.

 

My advice is if you're going to end it end it soon, otherwise give it a real shot and wipe the table clean of all the crap now and try to work on your relationship from the ground up on a new start..not based on how she was in the beginning, but right now.

 

But one thing I can bet your @ss on right now if you do run away now...is you will be back, you will come back and start to miss her and think it can all work out, I can just about guarantee you that will happen once you're alone unless you're a real casanova with the ladies...and even then, so if you leave just be sure it's what you really want...and do it with a lot of confidence and don't look back.

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fatheroftwo
Hi LS

 

I have been a lurker for sometime, but now I need your opinions on this issue I am having, ergo this thread.

 

A little background on my situation, married just less than 12 months, both of us in our early twenties, and no kids.

 

I don't love my wife anymore, if I ever did. I care about her enough to feel bad about wanting to leave her. I think she loves me, but its a very selfish kind of love on her part, where I give and she takes. Our personalities are so incompatible and we have nothing in common. Intimacy is good, but sex is for the lack of better words, crap. When we are intimate (not intercourse), I feel like I should never leave her, because it reminds me of what we once had. We are not friends anymore, if ever we were, and I dread going home. I feel so lonely in this marriage, I got tricked into marrying someone else, that is, she was a different person before we got married, and now she is her true self. She told me she is depressed due to a major change in our life, and that I should give her time to adjust to the change. She ignores me and treats me like loving me is a chore. There isn't another woman, there isn't grass is greener syndrome, although I had way better relationships with my ex's than I have in this marriage.

 

I want to be single for the rest of my life, I don't care for relationships/married life and this marriage plus my previous relationships have proved my prior feelings/ideologies correct. Problem is, I don't know how to break up with her, I did breakup with her once before we got married and she got very pissed off at me. If I do it again, I don't know how upset she will be. Her family loves me and my family love her, so this is a difficult situation. How do I break up with my wife with minimum hurt? I don't want to lead her on, she can see i'm starting to detach and i'm starting to treat her a little... inconsiderately. I don't want to break her heart, and also she told me that she would never be with another guy ever again. Divorce carries a very big stigma in our culture for women and it will not be easy for her to remarry, although she wouldn't want to.[/quote

 

 

Hi OP,

 

I am in a similar situation, but am older than you I'm guessing and have different reasons for not wanting to break up the marriage.

 

If you have no ties, like children....just bite the bullet and do it. She will heal, and you will too. Life is too short to teeter back and forth if there is no child to hurt with your break up.

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I don't love my wife anymore, if I ever did.

 

 

often times when someone is feeling unsatisfied in their marriage and seriously considering divorce they do what's called "rewriting history" in which they begin to say and think that they never loved their spouse. This is a little trick the mind plays on it'self to try to justify the break up and make it seem more palatable.

If you are truly dissatisfied with the relationship and things are such that you believe it is in your best interests to divorce, then fine, but at least recognize that there was a time you did love your partner.

 

 

I care about her enough to feel bad about wanting to leave her.

 

 

Divorce is never a clear-cut, easy, painless or inexpensive proposition. Even people in horrifically abusive and terrible marriages still have qualms and mixed feelings about pulling the ejection handle.

 

 

 

 

I think she loves me, but its a very selfish kind of love on her part, where I give and she takes.

 

 

Examples?

 

 

Our personalities are so incompatible and we have nothing in common.

 

 

Examples?

 

 

 

 

Intimacy is good, but sex is for the lack of better words, crap.

 

 

Can you explain this a little more? does that mean that she is warm and affectionate etc but has poor technique or has hang ups in bed?

 

 

When we are intimate (not intercourse), I feel like I should never leave her, because it reminds me of what we once had.

 

 

 

 

Please expand on this a little more.

 

 

 

 

We are not friends anymore, if ever we were, and I dread going home.

 

 

Why?

 

 

 

 

I feel so lonely in this marriage, I got tricked into marrying someone else, that is, she was a different person before we got married, and now she is her true self. She told me she is depressed due to a major change in our life, and that I should give her time to adjust to the change.

 

 

What was this major change? How long has she been depressed? Has she sought treatment for this depression?

Has a lot of her behavior change been since this major change too place?

Again, what was this major event?

 

 

 

 

 

 

She ignores me and treats me like loving me is a chore.

 

 

 

 

This is coming a handful of sentences after saying the intimacy was good and made it feel like old times.

Are you talking sexually here? are you saying that the sex is a chore?

 

 

 

 

There isn't another woman, there isn't grass is greener syndrome, although I had way better relationships with my ex's than I have in this marriage.

 

 

Why did you marry this one over the ex's then?

 

 

I want to be single for the rest of my life, I don't care for relationships/married life and this marriage plus my previous relationships have proved my prior feelings/ideologies correct.

 

 

 

 

Expand more on your feelings and ideologies. what is it you want from single life that makes you wish for that over being in a relationship or marriage.

 

 

Problem is, I don't know how to break up with her, I did breakup with her once before we got married and she got very pissed off at me.

 

 

Let's at least try to be a little realistic here. People do get upset when someone breaks up with them, even if they were feeling dissatisfied in the relationship also.

 

 

 

 

 

 

If I do it again, I don't know how upset she will be.

 

 

Let's just assume that a divorce is not going to be sunshine and roses for anyone involved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Her family loves me and my family love her, so this is a difficult situation.

 

 

Divorces are disruptive and everyone has to change their ways a little bit and adapt.

But remember at the end of the day, you family doesn't have to live with her and her family doesn't have to live with you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

How do I break up with my wife with minimum hurt?

 

 

 

 

This is really the prime directive if you do decide to move forward with the D.

IMHO I think what will keep the chaos and disruption and pain etc to a minimum is to be open and honest with your W that you are realizing that things aren't working as well as they should be and offer to enter into marital counseling and work on trying to improve things. If she refuses and says it's your problem then you kind of have your answer. If that happens I still recommend seeing a counselor to assist you in sorting your feelings and objectives etc out and coming up with a game plan in moving forward. The counselor can help you with minimizing the pain and chaos.

If she does agree to counseling then go into counseling with good faith and be completely open and honest in counseling about what your issues are and what you need for a happy, healthy marriage.

Again the counselor can help peel back the layers and sort things out.

If things are still on downward spiral, at least she will be aware of it and will know that the D is coming and she will be able to be prepared for it and the more prepared for it, the less likely she will be to react with hostility and vengeance.

 

 

 

 

I don't want to lead her on, she can see i'm starting to detach and i'm starting to treat her a little... inconsiderately.

 

 

You keep from leading her on by being open and upfront and acknowledging that there are issues.

 

 

I don't want to break her heart, and also she told me that she would never be with another guy ever again.

 

 

 

 

That's just chick drama. she will never be with another guy again until a week or two later and some tall, handsome guy gives her a wink or two.

 

 

 

 

Divorce carries a very big stigma in our culture for women and it will not be easy for her to remarry

 

 

 

 

What culture is that? please specify. And even if there are some cultural stigmas, she's still a woman in her early 20s and she has no children she's lugging around. People will get over it really fast.

 

 

 

 

, although she wouldn't want to.

 

 

That's a judgment on your part and you do not have the ability nor the right to say what she will or will not want to do.

When that handsome guy that just started in the office down the hall from her's with the sparkly blues eyes starts to tease her a little, she will want to.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Responses and a few questions above. Please answer the questions above.

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Hi everyone sorry for the late reply, I am using my phone so I will answer oldshirt's questions and hopefully that will also be enough to respond to everyones posts too.

 

often times when someone is feeling unsatisfied in their marriage and seriously considering divorce they do what's called "rewriting history" in which they begin to say and think that they never loved their spouse. This is a little trick the mind plays on it'self to try to justify the break up and make it seem more palatable.

 

If you are truly dissatisfied with the relationship and things are such that you believe it is in your best interests to divorce, then fine, but at least recognize that there was a time you did love your partner.

 

This is true, and tbh after going through all of these responses, I think I still do love my wife but i'm just hurt by the way things are and so i'm clouded by negative emotions

 

I think she loves me, but its a very selfish kind of love on her part, where I give and she takes.

 

 

Examples?

 

She is very spoilt and has always gotten her way in her family, so this means she takes a lot of things for granted and doesn't give even a tenth of what she gets from me. To her, staying with me is love, looking good for me is love, not cheating on me is love, getting angry at me is because she loves me and she's just expressing dissapointment, telling me how to be a better husband is love albeit the insulting nature. I understand about all the love languages and a lot of the things associated with relationships, so I do appreciate it when she shows love in her own way, it will just take time for me to adjust to it because as I said before, my ex's treated me better than this (at least it seems/feels that way to me) so I had gotten used to compliments, encouragement etc.

 

Our personalities are so incompatible and we have nothing in common.

 

 

Examples?

 

Her sense of humour is completely different to mine, and our interests are very different. During courtship, she laughed at my jokes, flirted with me, put in effort to please me and was inquisitive to my likes/dislikes. I thought we were compatible, but now that we are married, all that has gone out the window. We do get along for the most part when we don't fight, but we just don't talk at all. We are like those old couples you see at restaurants just not talking to each other, but its like this AT home and OUTSIDE.

 

 

Intimacy is good, but sex is for the lack of better words, crap.

 

 

Can you explain this a little more? does that mean that she is warm and affectionate etc but has poor technique or has hang ups in bed?

 

Starfish sex, but she is into other forms of intimacy, only by my initiation though, and 50/50 rejection. Sex feels like a chore to her, and she is not confident removing her top or doing any other positions. But before we got married, she moved like a pornstar and made me feel like I could never get enough of her, she was the best lover ever, now she's not even a third as good. This all changed after we got married.

 

When we are intimate (not intercourse), I feel like I should never leave her, because it reminds me of what we once had.

 

 

Please expand on this a little more.

 

 

You have to understand that one of the big issues I have with my wife is that I feel like she doesn't love me, because of her words and actions. I just feel as though she truly loves me when we are intimate like that, its ten times better than sex for me because she is whole heartedly into it

 

 

We are not friends anymore, if ever we were, and I dread going home.

 

 

Why?

 

Ok I admit I was a little angry when I wrote this original post. Our friendship is non existent, however I do look forward to going home, we are those people that love being with each other and just enjoy the presence of their SO without any communication or interaction, and for me I have never understood this, so in my mind I interpret it as lack of friendship because before we were married, we would laugh all the time and flirt, goof around etc. now we don't even flirt at all or laugh together that much anymore

 

 

I feel so lonely in this marriage, I got tricked into marrying someone else, that is, she was a different person before we got married, and now she is her true self. She told me she is depressed due to a major change in our life, and that I should give her time to adjust to the change.

 

 

What was this major change? How long has she been depressed? Has she sought treatment for this depression?

 

Has a lot of her behavior change been since this major change too place?

 

Again, what was this major event?

 

 

We moved countries and for her it meant that she left her whole life behind, her family and friends, everything she ever knew. Now she is jobless and not studying or doing anything productive. She is a very independant girl albeit her being spoilt, and she is a go getter, not lazy. So this change has caused her to be depressed. Yes this depression only started when the move happened, but prior to that, SHE was okay even though our marital issues had already begun

 

 

 

She ignores me and treats me like loving me is a chore.

 

 

This is coming a handful of sentences after saying the intimacy was good and made it feel like old times.

 

Are you talking sexually here? are you saying that the sex is a chore?

 

 

I am talking about basic human interaction, plus she ignores my texts, she ignores my phone calls sometimes, and she just appears cold and aloof torwards me. As I mentioned before, yes sex seems like a chore.

 

 

There isn't another woman, there isn't grass is greener syndrome, although I had way better relationships with my ex's than I have in this marriage.

 

 

Why did you marry this one over the ex's then?

 

 

Because initially it was meant to be a marriage of convenience, but we decided that we may as well just give it a shot because we seemed to like each other and I was happy to get into a relationship with her despite my ideologies/feelings about relationships. We bonded and as I said we fell for each other, and we married. Now... I feel like I should have married one of my ex's because she was all round perfect for me. We didn't work out because she was trying to monkey branch onto me and I told her to break up with her ex at the time, but she wanted to be sure I was the sure thing first by cheating on him, I said no thanks and it broke her heart. I went NC for 9 months and I tried to get back with her then, but she had found someone else. My most recent ex broke my heart into a million pieces and she's the one who made me realise I don't need a woman in my life, although tbh I am not sure if I am 100% over her, I will definitely not ever take her back, but my now wife and I got together literally as soon as I broke up with my most recent ex.

 

 

I want to be single for the rest of my life, I don't care for relationships/married life and this marriage plus my previous relationships have proved my prior feelings/ideologies correct.

 

 

Expand more on your feelings and ideologies. what is it you want from single life that makes you wish for that over being in a relationship or marriage.

 

 

In a nutshell, I hate commitment. I hate being tied down and being restricted. What I want from single life is simply freedom! I know I can live a very very very HAPPY single life, whereas a marriage/relationship is a 50/50 chance of happiness within it. I will add though, that I would take a happy marriage over a happy single life, but why take that risk? I don't need a woman to make me happy, I am happy all on my own and a woman should supplement that for me, not take it away!

 

 

IMHO I think what will keep the chaos and disruption and pain etc to a minimum is to be open and honest with your W that you are realizing that things aren't working as well as they should be and offer to enter into marital counseling and work on trying to improve things. If she refuses and says it's your problem then you kind of have your answer. If that happens I still recommend seeing a counselor to assist you in sorting your feelings and objectives etc out and coming up with a game plan in moving forward. The counselor can help you with minimizing the pain and chaos.

 

If she does agree to counseling then go into counseling with good faith and be completely open and honest in counseling about what your issues are and what you need for a happy, healthy marriage.

 

Again the counselor can help peel back the layers and sort things out.

 

We will try counselling, but she thinks we are good that there are no issues between us. She may be open to counselling, but really the thought that I would suggest counselling she will be upset that I think we are not good!

 

 

I don't want to break her heart, and also she told me that she would never be with another guy ever again.

 

 

That's just chick drama. she will never be with another guy again until a week or two later and some tall, handsome guy gives her a wink or two.

 

I believe her on this, she is just like me when it comes to relationship ideologies. She sees all men as the same after her ex (first love) cheated on her and treated her badly. I am her second, and she had no intentions of being with another guy again. As I mentioned before, we decided to give this relationship a try since we were going to be living together anyways.

 

 

Divorce carries a very big stigma in our culture for women and it will not be easy for her to remarry

 

 

 

What culture is that? please specify. And even if there are some cultural stigmas, she's still a woman in her early 20s and she has no children she's lugging around. People will get over it really fast.

 

 

Out of keeping my identity annonymous as possible, I will say that our culture is on equal footing with the likes of Syria/Iran. If a woman gets a divorce, it carries a huge stigma and makes it difficult to remarry in the same culture at least, maybe not so in the western world.

 

 

, although she wouldn't want to.

 

 

That's a judgment on your part and you do not have the ability nor the right to say what she will or will not want to do.

 

When that handsome guy that just started in the office down the hall from her's with the sparkly blues eyes starts to tease her a little, she will want to.

 

You are right, but as I mentioned before, she is just like me when it comes to relationship ideologies. We can both live our lives without a spouse.... BUT she does want a family of her own one day, cognitive dissonance much? It seems so.

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Threads like this are why I never want to get married. I see it all the time, all the effort goes right out the window once one partner feels they have the hooks in and security

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  • 1 month later...

Starfish sex, but she is into other forms of intimacy, only by my initiation though, and 50/50 rejection. You have to understand that one of the big issues I have with my wife is that I feel like she doesn't love me, because of her words and actions. I just feel as though she truly loves me when we are intimate like that, its ten times better than sex for me because she is whole heartedly into it

In other words, you only feel she loves you when she's got kneepads on :confused: ???

 

I can help but wonder if part of the disconnect she feels is based on how you value her. Two sides to every story...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Just end it. If you are this unhappy, then don't bother with counselling, see a solicitor plan the split of the assets and divorce.

 

Divorce isn't some great unspoken evil, it is a way of two people ending a marriage. Millions of people have been divorced and then re marry and have happy lives.

 

No children, young - what are you waiting for?

 

Old joke: Why is divorce so expensive? Because it is worth it!

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seekingpeaceinlove

This is why I think most ppl in their 20s should never get married. You don't even really know yourself and what you really want out of life yet.

 

I think marriage is a choice to commit to someone through thick and thin with the exception of infidelity and abuse. OP was married to her for less than a year and he's ready to jump ship at the first sign of discord. Sounds like their love was conditional.

 

You're all over the place in this thread, Polymer. In one post you're saying you don't love her, maybe never did and don't enjoy coming home. Next post you're saying you do love her and do look forward to coming home. Which is it?

 

Sit down and figure out what you really want before you do anything rash. Counseling is a great idea. When one person thinks the relationship is not working..then the relationship is not working. Period. It takes two and you both need to be on the same page.

 

Good thing there are no children involved.

Edited by seekingpeaceinlove
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