Laura_halles Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 I'm a 32 year old female and I thought I married the right person six months ago. However, lately I have started to wonder why I'm married at all. My boyfriend and I married and he told me he was uncomfortable moving in the same house straight away ( we got married very quickly, just after a year of dating. We just felt the time was right) so we both agreed to keep our own pads and stay over at eachother's places for at least another year. The past six months my husband has been staying over my house six days a week, cause I live in a 3 bedroom house and he lives together with his sister in a smaller apartment. In those six months he has been living here, he hasn't contributed to a single utility bill, or rent bill. He works full time and has a decent income.Also, every time we go away on trips he claims he has little money to spare, so I end up paying the flight/ hotel and he pays a meal here and there. All of this was no problem for me up until now. I inherited money from my grandma a few years back, and could afford the extras. However, I feel like he is starting to take me for granted. He is starting to expect me to pay for all of our extras, going out, bills, holidays, and he keeps his money to himself, goes grocery shopping for us once a month, and pays the occasional dinner once a month. His disposable income he uses to help his family, which I admire. But i'm starting to realize I'm spending so much more than I expected every month, and I started talking to him about it lately asking him if in the future he can rent out his room in his place, and move in and help me with the bills. Each and every time I start that conversation, he immediately makes me feel guilty for bringing it up, saying that I am too concerned with money, and he even makes me feel cheap for just talking about it. I absolutely don't understand his reaction, he tells me stuff like maybe you should get an additional job, or rent out some space in your house, but I never get the proper reaction, of him confirming he will contribute his share of the bills and we split the costs. I find that very strange, and can't comprehend his reaction really. On top of that, I feel like I need to do the majority of things in the house, I cook and clean, and when I ask for help, he does help but he tells me he doesn't really live here, its my house and I should do it and I should just let him relax. Lastly, since we have been married he almost gained 50 pounds, he was already borderline overweight when we got married, and now I feel like he completely let himself go. I tried everything to motivate him to do more sports, we bought exercise bikes, tennis rackets, gym memberships, pool memberships, basketball equipment, but nothing seems to interest him very much. As a result, even though I love him I lost my attraction for him. I don't feel sexually excited at all, and whenever he insists to have sex, I do it, just to make him happy, but it doesn't make me feel good. Lastly, almost every week we fight over something stupid, when we fight, he calls me names, tells me he never wants to see me again, tells me I need to do more for him, go after him and surprise him. I think it should be the other way around, and I always tell him I already do enough for him. I don't know what to do about this, I'm starting to think I married the wrong person. Does anyone have any tips on how to change this dynamic? or do you think that divorce would be the best option? thank you for reading this in any case. Link to post Share on other sites
SleeplessIn Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 There's nothing in the scenario as you describe it that seems remotely like a marriage to me. He sounds like a complete "mooch". How did he treat you during the year you dated prior to marrying? You say you love him, but what is there to love about this man? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 I fail to see the positives in your situation. He seems like a leech. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Turtles Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 That's why one year of dating is too short... now you are seeing his real personality. At his heart he is a "taker" and will be happy to mooch off of you forever. You seem like a decent person, I can tell it is distressing because you can't relate to his point of view, you want to give yourself to the person you love, not suck them dry. On the bright side it's easy to cut him out since you have not moved in together... the longer you wait, the more of your life you give to him, and the harder it will be. Stop giving and start letting him know you expect more, MAYBE he will get the message, but I strongly doubt it, people don't change, not that deeply, short of a miracle. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Bagheera6 Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 It sounds like he's using you. Divorce him. I just hope you don't live in a 50/50 state. Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 What are grounds for annulment and is it too late? Refusal to move in with you? Really? He set himself up really nicely, and is building a sweet nest egg for himself at your expense. I wouldn't think twice about a quick divorce, if it's too late to annul. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 Sounds like a little more than just marrying the wrong person or of someone getting lazy after the wedding. I think you may have got taken by an actual con man. Do some serious investigating, even hire a PI. I have the feeling you are going to uncover something far more sinister. You might even find out he has some other wives or has taken other women to the cleaners. This "sister" that he lives with May not be an actual sister at all. And this family that he sends money to might turn out to be bookies or mobsters or drug dealers or gypsies or something. Something a lot darker is taking place her. It's your duty to yourself and your wellbeing to find out what. Don't ask him about it or say anything at all to him. That will just make him cover his tracks better. Hire a PI to do a very thorough background check on him. It's going to turn up something real bad :-( 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Lisey9 Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 Are you sure that's his sister he lives with? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyLeigh1967 Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 Strange. I would honestly do a background check on him. I would also seek the advice of an attorney. No normal guy acts like this. There is something fishy going on. I would not spend another dime on him, and would even curtail his visits until you find out what is going on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 Does anyone have any tips on how to change this dynamic? - INSIST on him helping out with bills and housework, or he isn't welcome there. - Refuse to pay for unnecessary expenses for him. - If he calls you a bad name, tell him that you will not stand for that, and he needs to leave. Yes, he has very bad behaviors, but you allow him to treat you this way. Stand up for yourself! or do you think that divorce would be the best option? Probably. But before you get to that point, assert yourself. If he leaves, you've lost nothing anyway since you are considering ending it yourself. I wouldn't worry about his weight gain yet. It's the least of your problems. If you can improve the other issues, then you can come back for advice on encouraging him to lose weight. Link to post Share on other sites
littleplanet Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 Well OP, I'd read him the riot act - at his place. Not yours. Maybe forbid him in your house altogether, until you see some definite change for the better. It appears you didn't marry a husband at all, but took on a teenage dependent, instead. Your first clue might have been his discomfort at moving in together with you right away....(I mean, this is usually why people get married.) From what you've described, he doesn't appear to have a clue about what a committed, functional balanced partnership is supposed to be. Perhaps he needs to just go away and learn about that on his own......... and not at your expense! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 What are grounds for annulment and is it too late? Refusal to move in with you? Really? According to the OP, it wasn't that he refused. We just felt the time was right so we both agreed to keep our own pads and stay over at each other's places for at least another year. Laura, I'm sure you see the contradiction here. So "right" that you felt the need to get married but so ill-formed that you weren't ready to live together? I wouldn't put all the blame for this mess on him... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 (edited) My boyfriend and I married and he told me he was uncomfortable moving in the same house straight away ( we got married very quickly, just after a year of dating. We just felt the time was right) WTF! You married because the time was right (after just a year of dating) but he was uncomfortable moving in with you straight away? Again... WTF! Yes the man is a leech and yes you should divorce him. Your are still young enough to meet someone else. But you are as much to blame here, what were you thinking? You got married effectively on a whim and are now paying the price. Who gets married but then doesn't feel comfortable sharing a house with their new wife? The first two years are when you should be bouncing off the walls. Do yourself a favour, end the marriage before you get pregnant, and next time think before you walk down the aisle. Edited August 1, 2014 by jackslife punctuation Link to post Share on other sites
ForeverTainted Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 If you weren't ready to live together you weren't ready to move in together. I don't agree that a year is too fast in a blanket statement way but you should have both been ready to give up your bachelor life and lived together like life committed partners. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 Holy hell. This must be one of the biggest loads of WTF I've ever read on here, or the internet. Nothing about this sounds like a marriage or a partnership. You should feel taken advantage of because that is exactly what is happening. Makes you feel guilty about asking him to contribute???! No wonder you aren't attracted. I wouldn't even be having sex to appease him. Why are you??! Does he do anything to appease you or does he just take? Because that's the impression I get. My vagina would have welded itself shut and probably not open for the rest of the year. This isn't a marriage, it's a surrogacy. You're his parent, not his wife...except for the obliged sex thing but yeah that's almost as gross. Here's what I want to know : what are you getting out of this marriage? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clockwork Posted August 3, 2014 Share Posted August 3, 2014 Married couples live together. Period. Unless he is travelling away on business, he should be in bed with you every night. Heck, Paul McCartney famously never spent a night away from his wife Linda all those years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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