canseagull2011 Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 Hi All, I am a 41-year old guy living in Canada, engaged to my gf who lives in PH. She is a beautiful, amazing woman. We have had a couple of trips together in person to date and been together for a number of years now. My question is this - guys - how do you create time/space for yourselves in marriage? My observations of the husband role in marriage, of those guys I see in Canada, is generally a subservient role. Man is the workmule, for wife/kids. Wife calls the shots in both marriage/at home. Laws, courts and society in general seem to support this arrangement, whether it is overt (some marriages) or unspoken, in more balanced marriages. Is it even possible to have a balanced marriage in a strongly feminist country like Canada? The financial risk of marriage is even greater for me, as my income/net worth is much greater than my gf. So if we divorce, its very likely a court would award indefinite alimony to my future spouse. I love my gf, but i see the same territorial/controlling tendencies I see in women in Canada. Is this the price we must pay for companionship/sex - giving up our freedom? My ideal arrangement would be to have a gf, she has her place and I have mine. We are together when we want and separate when we want. I know a few couples who live this way, but it seems to be a very small minority. Men - what are your thoughts? Would you marry again, knowing what you know now? Are you happy free? Has the trade-off of freedom/independence been worth it? Has this changed over time? Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 how do you create time/space for yourselves in marriage? You just do. Always be kind. Always be giving. Always try to meet her needs. But create firm boundaries regarding your own needs. My observations of the husband role in marriage, of those guys I see in Canada, is generally a subservient role. Man is the workmule, for wife/kids. Wife calls the shots in both marriage/at home. Laws, courts and society in general seem to support this arrangement, whether it is overt (some marriages) or unspoken, in more balanced marriages. It doesn't matter what society thinks or does. What matters is whether your girlfriend's values are compatible with yours. The financial risk of marriage is even greater for me, as my income/net worth is much greater than my gf. So if we divorce, its very likely a court would award indefinite alimony to my future spouse. I would suggest you not get married until you trust your girlfriend very deeply, and get to know each other very well. I love my gf, but i see the same territorial/controlling tendencies I see in women in Canada. Is this the price we must pay for companionship/sex - giving up our freedom? It is up to you whether you allow yourself to be controlled or not. As far as giving up freedom, yes. You do give up some freedom. Marriage comes with the responsibility to consider your partner in all your choices. You can no longer just do whatever the heck you want at any time. You have to discuss all the areas of your relationship... finances, housework, vacations, nights out, everything... and make sure you are on the same page about what you do without consulting each other and what requires discussion. This has nothing to do with feminism... just basic respect. The good side is you have someone to help you make life better. It's not just about sex and companionship. A true partner will EASE your burden. She will take on responsibilities you aren't the best at, and you will help her as well. Together you will be stronger and better. My ideal arrangement would be to have a gf, she has her place and I have mine. We are together when we want and separate when we want. I know a few couples who live this way, but it seems to be a very small minority. If that is truly what you want, fly the idea past your gf and see if it sticks. I know very few women who would want to sign up for this long term. It just seems too much like a long-term booty call. Most women want true intimacy and connection and intermingling of lives. One thing for sure - you don't sound ready for marriage. So there is no rush to do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author canseagull2011 Posted June 4, 2014 Author Share Posted June 4, 2014 Hi Pteromom, Thanks for your very thoughtful comments. I appreciate you taking the time to touch on a lot of things in my post. You have given me much to think about... I'm actually thinking of visiting her for an extended period (up to 6 months) before we make a decision as to next steps. Might do us both good - make sure its a good fit. Link to post Share on other sites
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