I'm not physically attracted to my partner.

[DazedAndConfused43]

I have an amazing partner of three years. She is the sweetest, most kind and loving person I have ever known. She would do absolutely anything for me, and I'd like to think I would do the same for her. However, I'm just not physically attracted to her. In the beginning, she sought me out, initiated the friendship (which was a great friendship, and still is!) and eventually confessed that she liked me.

 

Here's where it gets messy. I am female and had never been in a relationship with a woman before, and wouldn't even consider myself gay, or even bisexual. I was not attracted to her in a sexual way, but I had a strong connection with her that I couldn't explain. It was (and still is) a deep connection that just felt so easy, making it feel like we were married! We were (and still are) so comfortable with each other from the very beginning that I thought, "Well, why not give it a try?"

 

So, here we are more than three years later and the deep connection is still strong. We have had a pretty successful relationship, but in a happy, healthy relationship, you should be able to tell your partner everything, and there has been something in the back of my mind that I am less and less able to hide. I am not really attracted to her and our sexual encounters are getting further and further apart because I really just don't want to have sex.

 

Recently, she has begun to vocalize her frustration and has even begged me for sex, even saying, "Please?" Something that I could play off before with random excuses is now becoming something that she notices, and gets hurt by. She has told me that she fears I'm not attracted to her anymore, and to save her pride, I obviously deny it. We've made it three years without this being a big issue, but if it's an issue now, I fear it would just become more of an problem as time goes on.

 

Aside from not being attracted to her, I think about men a lot, and when I see a hottie walking down the street, I look and I look hard. I get an urge (you know what I mean!) and it feels so foreign to what I feel when I'm with her. It makes me realize that I never really feel "excited" when I'm in bed with her. I feel like my body knows what it wants, but my head and my heart know that she is great for me and will support, love, and cherish me until the end if I let her.

 

I have considered breaking up because of this, but what I want to know is: Is this enough reason to break up, or would I be throwing away a really good thing that I may not come by again?

[GorillaTheater]

I have considered breaking up because of this, but what I want to know is: Is this enough reason to break up, or would I be throwing away a really good thing that I may not come by again?

 

Not to be too simplistic, but I think you not being gay or even bisexual is a pretty good reason to break up.

[DazedAndConfused43]

I know, it seems odd, but I fell in love with her as a person, not as a gender.

[DazedAndConfused43]

I was reading another thread, and it made me realize something that I would like to clarify. I think that I am attracted to her, but I think more specifically, I don't feel sexual chemistry with her. I know that she feels it for me, but it's not reciprocated.

[Madman81]

I don't think you have a choice -- you need to be honest with her. Especially since you don't think you're gay or bisexual.

 

I have to admit, it seems a bit strange that you had sex with her, presumably at least a few times, without feeling attracted to her gender in general and to her in particular. I'm not judging, but I don't really understand how things would have headed in that direction without at least some interest on your part.

 

Anyway, it's too difficult to say if the friendship can be retained if the relationship ends. But drawing it out will just cause unnecessary pain to her and to you. Just be as gentle as possible, though that's no guarantee that the friendship will be maintained.

[soccerrprp]

I was reading another thread, and it made me realize something that I would like to clarify. I think that I am attracted to her, but I think more specifically, I don't feel sexual chemistry with her. I know that she feels it for me, but it's not reciprocated.

 

Ugh. Your statements below question your sexuality. Which is it? Your compatibility with your gf or your sexual orientation? It seems to me that your orientation was well defined prior to getting into a relationship with your gf. You seemed to have stayed with her for security, emotional connection, not sex, or physical/sexual attraction.

 

 

Here's where it gets messy. I am female and had never been in a relationship with a woman before, and wouldn't even consider myself gay, or even bisexual. I was not attracted to her in a sexual way...

 

Aside from not being attracted to her, I think about men a lot, and when I see a hottie walking down the street, I look and I look hard. I get an urge (you know what I mean!) and it feels so foreign to what I feel when I'm with her. It makes me realize that I never really feel "excited" when I'm in bed with her. I feel like my body knows what it wants, but my head and my heart know that she is great for me and will support, love, and cherish me until the end if I let her.

 

You knew that she was/is a lesbian. You questioned (at least) and knew that you were not. You put her in a very unfair position. It looks like things will get worse. Possibly a loss of even a friendship. It looks like you will need to be honest and risk what happens with that or continue being dishonest....tough spot.

[oldshirt]

I'm a heterosexual man. What do up u think I ishould do if a gay man developed feelings for me and we hit it off fishing and hunting and rockclikmbing etc and we developed a close friendship and companionship but I never turned gay?

 

What would you suggest I do if he was growing frustrated and dissatisfied by my lack of intimacy and desire for him and I was also missing being with women and having more trouble denying my attraction for women?

 

What would you reccommend to me if I was in that situation.

[SoleMate]

There is no future for this as a sexual relationship. That's clear. It appears you're just using her because she is so devoted. Well, that's not nice. She deserves the truth.