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Husband uninterested in sex?


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I've been married a little over a year to a guy who just turned 24. We had sex often before getting married and during the first six or so months, but then things started to change. His interest has completely disappeared, to the point where we haven't done anything at all in the past two months, and before that only when I would initiate (and often not even then).

 

Whenever I ask what the problem is he gets angry and tells me to stop harassing him. When I do get an answer, nothing I do seems to help, and his explanation will change every time I ask. (It's work, it's him, it's me, it's related to something in our past). I don't know what to do other than just give him space, but even then nothing changes. I've tried to "shake things up, but even then he is uninterested.

 

I've tried to communicate nonjudgementally over and over but continue to get shut down.

 

Does anyone have any ideas/suggestions that DON'T involve him cheating? (That possibility is strong in my mind already.) Thanks.

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I would suggest some computer and phone spying (sorry to suggest) but this is a BIG change so soon for a young man just married. The spying may yield anything from an affair, to porn addiction, to confession to a friend about what is really going on...to nothing at all (which helps too)

 

I heard something you said about "the past" is there some unresolved issue in your past as a couple?

 

How many years have you been having sex - been a couple? Beside frequency has the sex itself changed (acts, time spent, enthusiasm)

 

What other changes has their been in your marriage ? Stress over living together? arguments? chores? money? work or new job? health or weight changes in either of you? talk about having kids? buying a house, did he stop working out, or anything you can point to as a change in his life?

Edited by dichotomy
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soccerrprp

I agree with dichotomy. I would add that I doubt porn. I mean, if he was so addicted, this would have been an issue prior to your marriage, not shortly afterwards. Things have happened too quickly, too abruptly. Has there been a major lifestyle change other than marriage, of course?

 

Sorry, but I can't help thinking that it's what you don't want to talk about. I mean, we was still having sex with you often during the first six months after marriage, so I doubt it's b/c of being married. The only other thing is that he's had a serious health-related issue come up. Depression?

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I doubt that he's cheating, as he is always very open with his phone/email around me and hasn't been secretive about where he is or what he's doing. As for porn, I've asked him about it and even told him that him occasionally watching wouldn't bother me all that much, however he continues to insist that he never watches any.

 

He is a Marine, and was deployed for five months just prior to our marriage. He never seemed particularly traumatized by his time abroad, but of course it's impossible to tell. He accused me several times of cheating on him while he was away, which I absolutely did not do. I found out shortly after we got married that he had been emailing several girls while he was away, and while none of these messages were flirtatious, he went out of his way to hide them from me.

 

As for physical changes, I have lost some weight since our marriage, and he put on about 15 pounds. I worry about depression, but am not sure how to address it, as he denies feeling depressed and refuses to talk to anyone, saying it is unnecessary.

 

I'm not sure what's going on or the best way to get him to communicate? Sorry for the long post, I'm just really wrestling with these issues!

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soccerrprp

Can you think back to the point when the frequency of sex just died down? Anything happening then?

 

Also, why was he emailing other women when he just married you? You saw the emails?

 

You LOST weight and he gained some. What makes YOU think that he may be depressed, if at all?

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The emailing was several months preceding our marriage. I want to be upset about this, and was at the time, but tried not to freak out, since it was while he was deployed and I wanted to be understanding. I read the messages, and while they were kind of personal, there wasn't anything overtly flirtatious. Is this something to be concerned about?

 

I worry about him being depressed because of the weight gain and seeming lack of sex drive, as these can both be linked to depression. He says it is not, and if it isn't, I'm not sure what these issues and unwillingness to communicate are about?

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I've been trying to think of things that changed once the sex stopped, and can't think of anything major. The only thing I can think of is that he's just bored, but if that's the case I'm not sure how to address it. Nothing I've tried so far has worked.

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BeholdtheMan
Does anyone have any ideas/suggestions that DON'T involve him cheating? (That possibility is strong in my mind already.) Thanks.

A few possibilities:

 

1. The novelty of your body has worn off. There's a saying "behind every beautiful woman, there's a man who's tired of banging her"

 

The above may be exacerbated by excessive use of porn. Not only is he tired of your body, he's also frequently jerking off to porn. His desire for you has consequently dropped.

 

2. You've gained weight

 

3. You nag him a lot. He no longer sees you as an attractive, sexual being. He sees you as a source of daily annoyance.

 

4. He's cheating

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Fair enough.

 

If 1. Is the answer, the question becomes what do I do? Is there a way to get him re interested? As we are married and neither of us want to get divorced, I'm not sure how to fix this issue. As he claims porn isn't something he takes part in. I know how unlikely that is, but it seems like getting him to admit it if that is the case would be the first step?

 

2. I've lost weight, not gained it.

 

3. We agree on most things, and rarely fight. I tend to ask for more space apart more than he does.

 

4. Agh!

 

I understand if he's tired of sex, I'm not sure how to fix this?

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I guess really my question is this- How do you get your husband to communicate openly with you when he seems unwilling to do so? Or should I just leave it alone and hope things get better on their own?

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I guess really my question is this- How do you get your husband to communicate openly with you when he seems unwilling to do so? Or should I just leave it alone and hope things get better on their own?

 

Tell him if he doesn't start going to counseling then you may as well divorce because you don't intend to live in an unhappy non communicating honestly marriage.

 

If he doesn't learn now (early on) how to communicate with you about things he's happy and unhappy about - there won't be good reason to stay married.

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Michelle ma Belle

Sweet Jesus this sounds eerily familiar!

 

Sweetie, I went through almost the identical thing with my now ex husband with whom I stayed 20 years. Our sex life was great before we got married and even for a short while afterward but then HE changed. Our sex life became sporadic at best and it wasn't ever as good as it used to be and I couldn't understand why. When we had sex, he always felt like he wasn't really there with me if that makes any sense.

 

Anyways, I've written about it in other posts which you can read if you care to know more but all I have to say is DON'T wait it out. That's what I did. I waited WAY too long for fear of rocking the boat or getting him upset or over reacting and instead I just assumed it was ME. I spent most of my marriage trying to be perfect, be what I thought he wanted. Guess what? Epic fail. It didn't work. It didn't matter how much weight I gained or lost, what colour my hair was, how many home cooked dinners I made, how well I cleaned or folded laundry or anything.

 

My ex never wanted to talk about it either. The only time we seemed to address it at all is when we were fighting about it. Eventually, it got progressively worse and I found myself in a sexless marriage for a good 8 years or so before I had had enough.

 

Regardless of why his sex drive took a dive, I think you need to find a calm way to address it without sounding like you're nagging. It is possible but it's a delicate process. Maybe some therapy or counselling might help. If he's going through some kind of depression, all the more reason he needs to get help sooner rather than later.

 

If you continue to sweep something like this under the rug, the pile will eventually get so large that you'll be forever tripping over it. It will become the pink elephant in the room and trust me, that is NOT something you want in your life especially so early in our marriage.

 

Good luck.

Edited by Michelle ma Belle
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That is EXACTLY how things have been. I've dyed my hair, lost weight, nothing seems to make a difference. I am hesitant to seek counseling-it feels like that will make these problems into something serious, rather than just concerns in my mind. Maybe that's ridiculous, but that's how it feels.

 

Is there a way to bring these issues up without sounding like I'm nagging and criticizing? I want this marriage to work, it's just so difficult to have a conversation like that without it turning into a fight filled with accusations.

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SleeplessIn

You said he'd been deployed for 5 months -- do you know if he was in combat during that time?

 

I'm asking because there are things he may have seen as a result of combat, that could be causing him to have problems with intimacy, including the intimacy that leads to a good sexual relationship with his wife.

 

My H was a combat Marine in Vietnam. It was 25 years before he realized that he had PTSD. Part of the reason he didn't look at it for so long was because as a Marine he was trained to "adapt and overcome", which in his case resulted in passing off symptoms as being anything but PTSD. He didn't want to be a whiner and complainer, etc.

 

Guys in the military typically have experience with prostitutes, so sex is just sex. And guys who have experienced combat, especially combat in neighborhoods (where citizens are injured and killed), may well have seen women shot to pieces and in body parts. These scenes can come back later in dreams or sit in the subconscious, and make it even more difficult for these guys to connect their emotions and their sexual expression with their wives.

 

Not saying this is the case, but it is a possibility to be considered, I think.

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Tell him if he doesn't start going to counseling then you may as well divorce because you don't intend to live in an unhappy non communicating honestly marriage.

 

If he doesn't learn now (early on) how to communicate with you about things he's happy and unhappy about - there won't be good reason to stay married.

 

There's a lot of truth to this post. A sexless marriage is like dying a death of a thousand small cuts. Before you build unresolvable resentment, I'd definitely start getting used to the idea of an ultimatum: an appointment for marriage counseling to address a sexless marriage or an appoinment with a divorce attorney. More importantly, HE needs to get used to the idea. If this is a dealbreaker for you (and I think you need to think long and hard about whether or not it is one) then it needs to be addressed sooner rather than later.

 

Just my $.02

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I've been married a little over a year to a guy who just turned 24. We had sex often before getting married and during the first six or so months, but then things started to change.

 

 

 

 

What happened/ started happening six months ago?

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