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Husband went to night dancing club


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Give me your view on what I should do. I have been married for 7 years. We have children and they are all still very young. I love my husband and family but one day i found out that my husband has lied to me. On days he has to work late were actually days he went to the night club with his friends. The girls there are young and pretty and they gave him special service cause he paid them to do so. I was really upset and told him off. He apologised and promised never to do it again. He has since been coming hm early and fetching the kids everyday.

 

I wanted to forgive him but I am still very angry for what he has done behind my back and could not forget. He was my first and only so far. I too have suitors but I rejected them cause I am married and I love my kids.

 

Pls tell me if i shld move on or stay. Upset and depress woman.

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What are "special services?"

 

What bothers you the most about all this?

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Do not commit suicide over this.

 

Your husband should not have lied.

 

I don't know what you mean by dancing club. Do you mean a nightclub where he danced with other patrons or do you mean a go go bar / strip club where he paid women money for lap dances?

 

Done behind the shield of a lie, neither one of those is a good thing but they don't seem like marriage enders either. If he is remorseful & working to regain your trust, give it shot for your kids.

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Do all men go out and have sex with other women and come home feeling not guilty? Do all men do that?

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Do all men go out and have sex with other women and come home feeling not guilty? Do all men do that?

 

WOW! Overgeneralizing a wee bit there arent we? 'ALL Men'?? that would mean men who prefer men go out with females and receive such services? hardly likely.

 

Most men who are active in their sexual habits may or maynot feel guilt. No real survey out there to test them all. So not easy to give you a statistical answer.

 

How about we do this, Lets imagine that your husband has a sexual addiction, would that make it easier for you to have compassion for his lewd behavior?

 

If you are in an open marriage I can see how its not a DEAL breaker.

 

Is your husband considerate of your view point or does he cast it off as "Gee dear, its a guy thing, you wouldn't understand?"

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True. I may have married a wrong man myself. I was totally upset for what he did to me and my family. Feel like revenging back by doing what he did to me. He is remorseful but that cant deny the fact of what he has done to me. Depressed and upset...

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Make sure you get tested. This is difficult because you have children together. The trust isn't there anymore and I'd never believe what he tells me. He cheated on you with random women in the club, that's disgusting.

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Poppygoodwill

No, this is not normal. It's a serious breach of trust and you are justified in wondering just how deep a betrayal this is.

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soccerrprp

Yew! Whatever you do, don't consider revenge. If you're at that point, divorce is much better. In fact, such infidelity is a deal-breaker for me. No MC required, straight to divorce proceedings. But, that's me.

 

Yeah, like someone suggested, have yourself tested and insist that your husband also be tested after some time that he claims to not have returned or had other relations with other women. Some STDs don't show up until months after the event.

 

Disgusting...

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it's not 'normal' behavior for a man who loves his wife and kids. and it's not 'normal' behavior for a man who is getting what he needs at home either. before you seek revenge in some way, stop and ask yourself if he got something from these women that you're not giving him. and I don't mean just sex; maybe you're not open to what he wants sexually, maybe you're not emotionally connecting with him, etc., and he felt he had to go get it somewhere else. there are marital problems that led him to do this. so, figure out the root of the problem, your role in it as well, and then go from there. and yeah, get tested.

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stillafool

What nightclub has girls that are paid to give out extra services? I've never heard of such. Most clubs have men and women who are there to dance, drink and have a good time.

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@stillafool:

 

Only in the US, though. Everywhere else, though, a nightclub is considered a table dance, strip club even brothel kind of thing. Esp in Europe.

I don't know where OP is from, but a nightclub is always something where sex workers are present . Except for the USA.

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littleplanet

I once had an interesting chat with a sex trade worker who said exactly this: "Thank God for married men!"

When I asked her what she meant by that, she basically stated the obvious:

That most of her married clients were normal, and not weird.

(That thing about men being normalized, civilized and domesticated by women....true enough.)

 

OP - every scrap of your outrage is justified.

The steps you take depend on some very important things:

Is he truly repentant and remorseful?

Does he still love you?

Does he still find you attractive?

 

What kind of marriage did you have before all this?

 

This behavior has not been repeated since you found out?

Will either or both of you accept the idea of counselling?

Is the marriage otherwise worth working on?

 

You have had suitors that you rejected for the right reasons. I applaud that.

Do you honestly feel he can learn this lesson and do so as well?

 

You have to consider how likely it is that you can forgive him.

You have to consider how likely it is that he will repeat.

 

I don't know.....

I'm thinking - that if every married man who does this were found out and given the boot tomorrow.....

Tomorrow, maybe a quarter or a third of all marriages would suddenly disappear.

 

That fact doesn't absolve the culprits of their transgressions. No.

Sex trade workers didn't invent their 'industry.' They just put it together to fill a need.

(The oldest profession?)

 

Don't get me wrong: I'm not a "guy standing up for another guy..."

What he did was all wrong. He has a lot to lose.

 

Whether you should move on or stay is ultimately up to you. Staying depressed and furious is no way to be in a marriage. Your husband now has a lot to prove to you. That ball is in his court. Either he'll carry it, or drop the ball. That part is up to him.

Either you can work it out, or you can't.

But if your marriage survives, and you both just drop it - that could make for a real miserable future. One that not only affects you and him - but your kids, as well.

 

Consider: he didn't do what he did necessarily because you are 'unworthy.'

He's a man with men friends (any of them married with children as well?) who perhaps - egged him on to come join the fun.

Men often don't do what they do in perfect solitude.

They often do what they do because they've belonged to boy's clubs their whole lives.

Boy's clubs are powerful social machines.

It takes real manhood to step away from that club. Fatherhood can be one of it's most powerful driving forces.

 

Revenge is a powerful motivator, too. But you probably know in your own heart - how that ultimately plays out.

If you can't heal with him - then you'll have to heal on your own.

If he truly loves his children......that can help immeasurably.

But ultimately - he is responsible to you.

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