How bad is my denial?

[Mommame2]

I have been here for 13 years.

 

One child. Rough marriage.

 

I'm in therapy and learning about his unhealthy our marriage is.

 

I am SO close to being able to file for D. But for some reason, I keep choking.

 

My husband is very negative on life in general. I am the breadwinner and anytime I bring up him stepping up his freelance work, it ends with "I am a failure. I'm just a loser.. I am nothing but a mess".

 

We have gone to therapy several times over the years. I requested that we go again 2 weeks ago and he agreed to make an appointment. But he never did.

 

Instead, he is trying to make me meals, do extra laundry etc, while I'm working away.

 

We haven't had sex in 5 months and he hadn't really tried to initiate. I don't want sex w him, but I found it interesting that he didn't try...

 

 

 

We have huge bills. He's not working hard to pay them. But for some reason... I still get scared to leave.

 

Is there any reason to keep trying?

 

My therapist thinks it is a miserable and fairly emotionally abusive.

 

Why can't I pull the plug?

[beach]

I had been talking to a guy off of OLD for 2 weeks. He was soooo into me after our first date, he took his profile down.

 

He kept texting and texting. Just really seemed so into me. I told my GF about him and she said SHE had messaged him awhile back on OLD and he was very sexual in his messages.

 

 

I told her I thought she was wrong. He was totally into me etc. so she took a fake profile and friended him on match. She messaged him. He responded. He waited couple days , but then started talking consistently to her.

 

He told me we were exclusive in his eyes...

At the same time was chatting up this fake woman.

 

He eventually sent her pics of his c@ck and gave her his address for a hook up.

 

Then at the end backed off and said that maybe he couldn't meet cause he had met a girl (me) and wanted to see where it went.

 

Of course... That was after sending her all kinds of sexual pics even though she did not reciprocate.

 

Well I called him on it. He said that he knew the WHOLE time it was a fake person and that he thought it was me testing him.

 

I said come on... If you thought I was testing you.. Why would you send pics of your body etc etc ...

 

He said he just thought it was a bad game.

 

After fighting so long via text I'm exhausted. But he STILL says that I'm the one and he wants to see me and me alone.

 

Says that the entire time he thought it was ME testing him.

 

It looks like your denial isn't your problem because this was your thread a few weeks ago.

 

What's with the dishonesty?

[MidwestUSA]

It looks like your denial isn't your problem because this was your thread a few weeks ago.

 

What's with the dishonesty?

 

Beach, this poster shares an account with her sister, I believe it is. They were asked to kindly get separate accounts at one point, to avoid this very problem. Looks like that hasn't occurred.

 

 

I'm with you; it's hard to keep anything straight.

[Candy_Pants]

It looks like your denial isn't your problem because this was your thread a few weeks ago.

 

What's with the dishonesty?

 

Easy. It's a bad case of roll bread. Tragic really .

[Mommame2]

No it's true... I have shared an account w a single friend so my husband didn't find out. It was documented in the posts.

 

Sorry for any confusion... But I still would love help/feedback.

[dichotomy]

I

 

My therapist thinks it is a miserable and fairly emotionally abusive.

 

Why can't I pull the plug?

 

 

So the therapist has seen both of your for couples work and feels its a miserable emotionally abusive marriage? Has this been going on a long while?

 

That says alot - most therapists try to save marriages, if this is really what the therapist believes ? I mean thats the professional you should get your advise from.

 

Is he a good dad?

 

If your exploring the idea - which you are - I would ask you pay a small fee and consult with an attorney. The fact that you work, and support him, may (depending on where you life) force you in to support for him. Also you need to look at the whole financial picture.

 

Sometimes it helps if you very carefully consider (imagine) what life will be like for you and your children if you divorce. I mean really honestly picture it - starting from the time you hand him the papers - till 5 years after that. Really look at the pluses and minus of what would be your alternate life.

Edited May 16, 2014 by dichotomy

[Mommame2]

No my therapist hasn't seen both of us. Only hearing what I say...

 

And her issue is that my husband hadn't taken any steps to get into counseling or grow.

 

It just seems so easy for some people to leave. And yes I know my situation isn't great, but it is like I can't pull the plug... No matter what.

 

He isn't physically abusive to me. But I realized last night that even if he hit me, I would prob still be in this position. I guess I'm just scared.

[beach]

Ask your therapist to work with you on boundaries and fear.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I've done the therapy thing both as a couple and on my own for years.

 

What I've learned is that sometimes we feel more comfortable with what is known and predictable even if it's miserable than the unknown.

 

This is often the reason why so many people stay in unhappy and abusive relationships. You may not be happy in your marriage and often daydream about breaking free but at the same time the fear of rocking the boat and taking a leap of faith towards happiness paralyzes you. Keeps you stuck in what you already know how to do because you've been doing THAT for so long.

 

Somehow THAT is scarier than living out the rest of your days miserable and unfulfilled. It's our darkness that keeps us from the light.

 

One of my favorite quotes is by Marianne Williamson. It can be applied to anything and everything including our relationships;

 

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous, happy?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

 

Good luck.

[Mommame2]

Here's something that I'd like to ask....

 

We have been married 13 years. I have always been the breadwinner. This past year we relocated for my job and he chose to go "freelance"

and decided not to get a job with an employer. He tells me he has no idea at this point what he's making on an average month, because of overhead costs etc.

We have one child who is in school until 4 everyday...and he says that he likes working from home, so we don't need childcare.

 

He says he doesn't want to downsize into a smaller home etc because we have moved too much. That is VERY true. We have moved A LOT.

But, he says he absolutely will not downsize.

 

So, in a nutshell...I'm making 80 percent of the money and he is forbidding us from downsizing...

 

He doesn't spend money on rash things...that is true. However, he has used my insurance check (from my engagement ring which was stolen)....to pay our bills.

I've asked him for months now to replace the money and he says we haven't been able to do so....financially.

We are financially in major debt and struggling to make ends meet....even though we appear to have a very, very nice lifestyle...from the outside.

We lease a big house....drive nice cars ...but don't travel and I definitely don't even shop much....

 

Anyway, I am on the verge of getting a large sum of money for a side project that I have been working on. I have been working very hard to get any kind of biz jobs to help

save the situation. (bankruptcy was even a possibility).

 

My question -- what if I asked him to at least sign legal papers that state that we are financially separated (before/instead of divorce)? Would that be uncalled for in the situation that I describe above?

I say this because I think it will show me his true colors...but at the same time...I don't know if it is unfair to ask?

 

He told me last week that his freelance work was failing and that he too was "a failure and a loser" ... He said he might have to go get a 15.00 an hour job.... but, since that time, he hasn't applied for any jobs.

 

I just feel like he is staying in this marriage for convenience. And I can't help but want to call him on it...

 

Thoughts?

[pteromom]

You have more power in this situation than you think. You just have to claim it.

 

Tell him that you are downsizing. He can choose to walk away from the marriage and get another home, or he can come with you. But that you cannot afford the home you are in, period, end of discussion.

 

As far as the money you are getting, I would go ahead and put it toward bills immediately. Why leave it sitting around for him to use on something else? Just pay some stuff off and be done with it.

 

You can't control what he does. Whether or not he applies for jobs. But you can sure as hell make things easier on yourself!

[Mommame2]

Well, he has a point about the high # of moves and we would be breaking a lease.

 

And if I did give him the ultimatum he would go kicking and screaming and he would make my life even more miserable.

 

I do want the best for our child. And we are scraping by. But I feel like I'm the only one pulling the weight.

 

Is he trying to make calls and get jobs? Yes. But it's slow...