Husband can't stop commenting about other women

[KaliKatherine]

I'm divorced now, but one of the things my now XH did for many years was comment on other women's appearances, to me, while out in public. If someone was wearing a short skirt or had a somewhat visible thong he would somehow make me aware that he was aware (and appreciative) of what he saw. I never suspected nor have any knowledge of him cheating and he still made it clear that he found me attractive, so I didn't necessarily feel upset by his comments. I've always been 125lb or less, with exception of pregnancy and first six months post-partum.

 

Once we had children, however, he seemed unable to stop this behavior. For example when we were driving through a beach town, he would say 'hello, girls' or something like, 'isn't that nice' anytime he would see a woman with a shorter dress/skirt etc. I asked him more than once to knock it off as by then our daughter was 3 and aware of what her dad was saying. He would not or could not stop this behavior,even asking if our daughters ballet instructor 'was hot' in her presence.

 

Ok so my question is (since it took me a long time to eventually realize I was in an unhealthy relationship, for many other reasons not detailed here) is amongst those of you that have what you consider a good relationship,how much commenting about the attractiveness of the opposites sex to your partner do you consider ok or tolerable? Before we had kids, it didn't bother me all that much, as I could usually count on the visual stimuli (so to speak) giving dividends in the bedroom...

[Smilecharmer]

I don't comment and neither does he. We aren't just friends so I find that behavior inappropriate.

[radman]

Both my wife and I will comment on occasion.

 

Wife will go both ways: if she sees an attractive woman she might look at me, raise her eye brows and say something first, to bait me into making a comment (at which point I will oblige her). Being a woman, she is more sly about checking guys out, and it takes me 'guessing' that a guy is hot before she will start laughing, realizing that she got caught red-handed.

 

I will also comment independent of her baiting, but rarely. But in any case, I will always turn it around and throw in "but she's not nearly as beautiful as you". It might get me an eye-roll but she is hopefully getting the picture that while as a guy I do like glancing at attractive woman, the only one I really want and care about is standing next to me.

 

While it can obviously be disrespectful to your spouse (regardless of gender) it doesn't necessarily have to be. The key is for the wife to understand it isn't a comparison at all and that no one can compare to her as far as your attraction and appreciation go. I find my wife so beautiful that even after 11 yrs of marriage one of my joys is watching her sleep on a Saturday morning; she's an angel to me. She knows this and therefore will often point out attractive women to me because she's secure in her position as the most perfect woman to me.

 

 

However, we do not talk like this in front of our kids. And even then the occasional comment isn't sexual in nature.

Edited May 17, 2014 by radman

[littleplanet]

Well - the general rule of thumb was always - lookie but no touchie.

(and keep the commentary civil and to a minimum)

But it always went both ways........drooling over movie stars (each to his/her own gender.)

Never outside of respectful kidding around. Never designed to be hurtful, denigrating or offensive.

 

Beyond all that - style is everything.

A quick glance, and appreciative smile. Charm, not wolf-whistle.

 

I tend to agree with Radman's comment: 'secure in your position.'

That makes all the difference in the world. My SO just knows - I don't want them....I want her.

 

Funny story. We were once watching the movie, Brokeback Mountain.......a story with a rather....controversial theme. One of the young studs had her moaning distractedly - until she realized I was making the same sounds.

Quick snap of her head in my direction (in disbelief???)......I shook my head and laughed out loud.

"Not HIM!........................his boots! Look at his boots! (cowboy boots to die for - the kind I could never afford.)

[dichotomy]

Both of us have occasionally step over the line with a comment or gawk. Worst thing is if it is someone we know like a friend, neighbor or coworker. Not helpful.

 

On a more positive note - If the other person (wether in person or on the TV) is amazingly hot - we both sometimes try to head the other off and defuse the situation. Like if some sweaty 23 year old guy with a six pack jogs by us - I will jump in with "that is just too much, don't you think he should put a shirt on dear?" sly smile... she responds back "oh yes that was too much, I can't tell you how much that bothers me" sly smile back.

Edited May 17, 2014 by dichotomy