Expectations that are Out of Line

[SleeplessIn]

My H and I met and married when we were in our mid-40s. When he was much younger, he spent some time in an east Asian country well known for its prostitution industry. He told me once about an experience in which the girl was in a basket suspended from the ceiling and lowered herself onto him, spun the basket, etc. And he would love it if I did that for him.

 

I didn't do that for him. For one thing, I would have felt completely ridiculous. I probably wouldn't have done it for him even at the age of 19, but certainly not at age 45!

 

Which brings me to my question: why is it that men so often tend to want their women to engage in a wide variety of sexual positions and behaviors ... accept anal sex, dress up like schoolgirls or maids, etc.? I realize that there are many women who also enjoy those things (and likely men who don't), and my question also goes to them. The reason I ask is because I see postings by both men and women complaining that the spouse "won't do" this or that, and even using such refusals as an "excuse" to have an affair with someone who WILL do those things with and for them.

 

My theory is that people have come to want all these sexual "add ons" because the porn and prostitution industries have advertised them to the point that it now seems to be expected that an individual be willing to do them or he/she is "sexually repressed".

[Quiet Storm]

Some of it may be due to porn, but before porn was available at our fingertips, men still wanted to get freaky.

 

They want it because it's exciting. They like new & different experiences. Sex isn't only an expression of love and a way to orgasm. It's an adventure (at least it can be).

 

I don't feel stupid or ridiculous doing "different" things. My husband met me when I was 15 and now I'm 38. He loved me then and he loves me now, but after many years together, it's nice to spice things up. Sure, if I had an audience or something, I might feel ridiculous suspended in the air. But he is my husband, my lover, the person I can be ridiculous with. If it didn't work, we'd just laugh about it. I wouldn't be embarrassed.

 

I do think the younger generation is influenced by porn, though.

 

If you aren't comfortable, you aren't comfortable. But don't knock it until you try it. You may be surprised at the things that end up turning you on.

[Keenly]

Before you try and diagnose that there is something wrong with people for liking what they like, what's wrong with people just wanting what they want?

 

 

I've wanted to do things I've never even seen in porn. There's is absolutely nothing wrong with some ones sexual interests being different than yours. But don't try to play armchair psychologist because people might be a little more kinky than you are.

 

 

Its normal for people to have a line. Some peoples lines are really far apart from each other, and it sounds like that's the case with you.

 

If you don't want to do what he wants, then don't. But too many refusals is going to breed resentment because he will see you two are not on the same page sexually.

[janedoe67]

Somewhere between "missionary" and the basket may be a middle ground you can both be happy with. I'd say talk about it.

[Zahara]

I don't even think the woman sitting in the basket was doing it because she liked it but because catering to these varied fantasies would certainly gain her more tips/money/customers. Some of these expectations are a little too out of the box but when your livelihood depends on it, I guess it has to be done.

 

 

 

Then this transfers into the home and now the expectation seems normal because that woman did it, why not you? I think that's where they fail to leave what happens in Thailand, stays in Thailand!

 

 

I have no issues with lingerie, outfits, infact I have tons of them and love role-playing. It actually turns me on to see myself in it, it turns me on to see my partner turned on by it and I love the fact that it adds fun, variety and spice to my sex life. If my partner wanted to do the "basket spin" -- I'd laugh and probably try it because it's fun between the two of us and I can be whatever, whoever I want with him. Who knows, it might just turn me on!

 

 

 

 

I have a gf that will do all sorts but cannot, will not, doesn't like oral sex. But ask her to hang from a ceiling in a basket and she'll want to try it but she hates giving or receiving. And she hasn't even tried it -- in her entire lifetime of being sexually active. Go figure! One of my ex-boyfriends -- never liked role-playing. It made him uncomfortable and awkward. He never wanted me to do it with him.

 

 

The fear that your partner is going to stray is a normal thought process but not every man or woman is going to stray because their partner won't do the dirty.

 

 

But it's important that the bedroom doesn't stay dull and monotonous. Spice is always encouraged. You don't have to hang from the ceiling but there are other things that you can do to once in awhile to break that monotony. Sometimes, you'll never know what works for you until you try it!

[harrybrown]

have you asked him why?

 

He is married to you, and it is good that you are having these conversations.

 

If you are not comfortable, then tell him, but it could be fun to try different things.

 

Hope you do have fun with each other. Be glad he is talking to you about these desires.

 

Good to keep these desires inside the marriage.

[SleeplessIn]

I don't mean to be critical of what others like to do -- I'm all for people doing what they are comfortable with. What I meant by my question was why so many people feel the need to push a partner into doing something sexual that makes the partner uncomfortable, and why they feel the need to criticize the partner or step out of the marriage if the partner does not want to do this or that. I get the impression that a lot of people think they "deserve" to have sex in all these different ways.

 

In our marriage, my H didn't insist at all. It was a fantasy of his that he'd experienced in the past. I told him that when I was in my 20's I might have been willing to try things like that, but in my 40's I was not -- I'm not as limber as I used to be, and in my own mind I felt I would look foolish rather than sexy. He understood that, although he was a little regretful, lol!

 

I enjoy sex a lot and we try different positions, sometimes use toys, things like that. If it's about love and intimacy and orgasm, we get all those things. He's welcome to fantasize ABOUT a girl in a basket I have tried a couple of things that he wanted to try, that did not work out well for me (painful, etc.) and he has not pushed me to do them again which I appreciate.

 

But it just seems that so many people have the view that they have a right to get a wide range of sexual behavior from their spouses, and I question that.

[Zahara]

IWhat I meant by my question was why so many people feel the need to push a partner into doing something sexual that makes the partner uncomfortable, and why they feel the need to criticize the partner or step out of the marriage if the partner does not want to do this or that.

 

In our marriage, my H didn't insist at all.

 

I'm not sure the point of this thread then because I was under the impression that your husband may have been coercing you into doing things you didn't want to do, hence the tone of your post that sounded as if you were worried, disturbed by his request.

 

If he's perfectly fine with your boundaries, then great!

Edited May 15, 2014 by Zahara

[Mittens]

You aren't the only one who has wondered about this.

 

I have a friend who asked his ex gf to do some stuff - she refused, it wasn't something she was in to at all...over 3 years have passed now since they split up, and he still bad mouths her for not wanting to do it!

 

As he's extremely immature in all parts of life, I chalk it down to that. It's the inability to accept that not everyone is going to go along with what you want, and lacking the grace to accept 'no' as an answer.

 

Just selfishness, I suppose.

 

I'm 45, and I've noticed that some men nowadays expect stuff that you only saw in porn films back when I first started dating. Makes me feel sorry for young women of today, especially when you have immature young men trying to shame them into it by labelling them as 'uptight' or even worse, 'frigid' when they say no.

Edited May 16, 2014 by Mittens