GrandeH Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 What would you tell a young guy who has been married for 6 months and the wife refuses to have sex with him for God knows what ridiculous reason, AND she is horrible to him and says that her ex made her happier than him? By no sex, I mean it hasn't happened yet! Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 I would be researching annulments. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 I'd be finding a lawyer to get a divorce or annulment, ASAP. You are being used and abused. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 I think you can get your marriage annuled. You haven't consummated the marriage yet so talk to an attorney ASAP. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 I would 1st try to help them get marraige counseling. Only if the W refused to go or it didn't help would I recommend divorce &/or annullment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GrandeH Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 What would you tell the young lad to do if he has said to his wife that he wants a divorce, and his wife gave him her rings and stormed out to her friends house. BUT her family are begging the young lad to reconsider divorce albeit they understand the lads decision, and she is refusing to talk to him after he has reached out to try to at least talk. Bare in mind she fits 9 out of 10 of the signs of an emotional bully. But somehow this lad loves her, not because of low self esteem but through the way he treats her, thats right, the way you treat someone changes the way you feel about them, not the other way round. The young lad is experiencing severe cognitive dissonance about leaving her. On one hand he wants to divorce her just like that and is ready to move on, as he has a great lifestyle without her. On the other hand, he doesn't want to just give up a marriage so quickly, he also is has his own faults and is clueless as to how to be a good provider and to do some things a husband should do, but can be easily fixed with a little wisdom from older married people. There is very poor communication, poor language barrier and power struggle in this marriage. He will not compromise, and neither will she. She claims to love him and claims to be happy with him but then says that he has not made her happy for one single day since they have been married. She is not married to him for the wrong reasons (e.g getting a visa), nor is she happy about the decision by the young lad to divorce, pissed off in fact. The young lad feels really bad about breaking the two families apart as they are all very very fond of each other, especially the parents. Right now there is turmoil in the two households as they did not expect that things were even remotely close to what they are right now. Everyone is begging the young lad to give this marriage another chance, EXCEPT the wife who is supposed to be the one who is remorseful and begging for another chance. She is without a doubt a narcisist, and I don't think she knows it. IC could help her, but is the damage done too much to repair this marriage? I am very confused about what I want... Yes I am the young lad. So much drama due to this marriage its literally a soap and a half on an international level. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GrandeH Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 Right now she is ignoring my attempts to try and talk to her, as if she is the one who has been majorly wronged, my mistakes are minor and easily resolvable but the damage she has caused to me is too much. My parents are about to embark on a long journey to try and council us, they are marriage counselors themselves and are not on my side or her side, they agree that if I want to let her go its okay, but if I want to reconcile we should all have a talk, so do her parents. I reached out to her and extended an invitation on my day off from work to just spend the whole day together, that we put aside our relationship problems and go on a timeout just to enjoy our day together and I spoil her. Non of this I have to do, but I want to do this as a last chance to see if we can be happy with each other like before we got married. I feel really bad about the pain our families are going through. It saddens me that my in laws and my family are more hurt than my wife and I by all this. EDIT: now we wait for a response for my invitation Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Did you marry for you or for your families? They will survive, but will you? What you are describing is not a 9/10 scenario for a happy marriage or happy life, it is a 1/10... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GrandeH Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 Did you marry for you or for your families? They will survive, but will you? What you are describing is not a 9/10 scenario for a happy marriage or happy life, it is a 1/10... 9 out of 10 of these signs: 10 Signs Your Girlfriend or Wife is an Emotional Bully | A Shrink for Men EDIT: not arranged marriage or married for family. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Okay, so you have all the signs that your wife is a bully. Why do you want to continue in a relationship you are clearly unhappy and unfulfilled with, for the sake of your families? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 This is not a marriage. Unless you want to spend the rest of your life living like this, your only option is annulment. What your families want or think is not important. This is your life, not theirs! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GrandeH Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 You're all correct, I would also give anyone else in my position the same advice as you are giving me. I don't have very many needs, I am a very simple guy and not that wealthy at all as I am young and starting out in my career. She is very very materialstic and for someone who comes from a poor country she expects us to live better than upper middle class america AND manage to save money... all under my low income. This is much more theraputic writing it down and reading your responses. Thanks for listening. So no one even thinks MC and IC will help? The biggest problem I actually have in all of this is my uncertainty of her love for me. I can wait 3 years even without sex, as long as I get affection love respect and maybe some oral. I consider myself a demi sexual and gain more pleasure in emotional intimacy than physical (hence my previous statement of not having many needs). I will not be in a sexless marriage but I would be ok if she wanted me to wait while giving me my emotional needs, which she is not even meeting. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I personally do not think the relationship can be salvaged with counseling. It sounds far too broken.... Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 you say she does not want sex for .,... "God knows what ridiculous reason" what reason does she give? Link to post Share on other sites
Author GrandeH Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 I personally do not think the relationship can be salvaged with counseling. It sounds far too broken.... Why do you say this? Not very many times are loveshackers this against R, lol most times you guys advise people to hang in there. I am on the fence and ready to jump to the single life (excited about that btw), but part of me just has a little bit of hope as I am a Christian and will let God take care of the rest if its meant to be salvaged. you say she does not want sex for .,... "God knows what ridiculous reason" what reason does she give? Initially she made all sorts of (valid, but insignificant) excuses (scared to spend the night in a hotel with me away from her own home, need to be with her family they need help with something etc) to avoid spending the night with me, then on our honeymoon in her home country she said she didn't want to get pregnant while i'm in my country and she is there. Then when I said lets use condoms she said that they are not 100% gauranteed. Then when she arrived to my country after 5 months apart... Well she was in a bad mood and very cold torwards me as usual, what chance do I have? When my parents confronted her about everything they asked her if we had consumated the marriage, and she told them no because it is sacred to her and that we had had that discussion. I never had any discussion with her about the sacrednes of sex to her! She had down played sex at our honeymoon saying that its not important, that spending our lives together is much more important. Anyways guys, for me to move on properly I really need the closure on why she married me in the first place! It wasnt for convinience, or money, or arranged. She is really pissed off with me for breaking up with her, but not willing to try and patch things up. She is acting like a child and i'm very close to finalising my decision to go ahead with the annulment/divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Anyways guys, for me to move on properly I really need the closure on why she married me in the first place! It wasnt for convinience, or money, or arranged. She is really pissed off with me for breaking up with her, but not willing to try and patch things up. She is acting like a child and i'm very close to finalising my decision to go ahead with the annulment/divorce. How is it going to help knowing why she married you? A marriage is supposed to be a positive thing for both people. So far it's been entirely one sided - whatever her reasons are. How is this 'arrangement' beneficial for you? Just cut your losses and run. There is a whole world out there waiting for you, and plenty of young women to choose from who will want to have a real relationship with you - one that includes a happy and fulfilling sex life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GrandeH Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 How is it going to help knowing why she married you? A marriage is supposed to be a positive thing for both people. So far it's been entirely one sided - whatever her reasons are. How is this 'arrangement' beneficial for you? Just cut your losses and run. There is a whole world out there waiting for you, and plenty of young women to choose from who will want to have a real relationship with you - one that includes a happy and fulfilling sex life. It will help me close the book on us, I already know how and why its ending, I know how it began but I don't know why. Part of me believes that she actually does love me, part of me thinks that maybe she wanted stability more than anything. Another problem is I know we could have an amazing sex life because our sexual chemistry is out of this world, before we got married we were pretty much about to have sex but she said we should wait until marriage. Then after we got married, only on one night of our horrible honeymoon did I give her oral and for the first time ever she said "i love you baby" FIRST. Usually I say it first, now she just replies with "okay" when I say it. I think I failed to meet her unreasonable materialistic needs, therefore she cut me off emotionally and physically. Another part of me thinks that she is acared to let herself go to me because before I married her, I broke up with her out of no where for no good reason (I never said why) and she was devastated and I promised I would never do it again. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 15, 2014 Share Posted May 15, 2014 It will help me close the book on us, I already know how and why its ending, I know how it began but I don't know why. Part of me believes that she actually does love me, part of me thinks that maybe she wanted stability more than anything. Another problem is I know we could have an amazing sex life because our sexual chemistry is out of this world, before we got married we were pretty much about to have sex but she said we should wait until marriage. Then after we got married, only on one night of our horrible honeymoon did I give her oral and for the first time ever she said "i love you baby" FIRST. Usually I say it first, now she just replies with "okay" when I say it. I think I failed to meet her unreasonable materialistic needs, therefore she cut me off emotionally and physically. Another part of me thinks that she is acared to let herself go to me because before I married her, I broke up with her out of no where for no good reason (I never said why) and she was devastated and I promised I would never do it again. Sorry but none of the above matters regarding the sex. If she desired you in a sexual way trust me, you would be having sex. She is not having sex with you because the desire isn't there. She told you to wait until marriage because she wanted to be married. I don't think this girl is in love with you. Hope you realize this soon. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GrandeH Posted May 15, 2014 Author Share Posted May 15, 2014 Sorry but none of the above matters regarding the sex. If she desired you in a sexual way trust me, you would be having sex. She is not having sex with you because the desire isn't there. She told you to wait until marriage because she wanted to be married. I don't think this girl is in love with you. Hope you realize this soon. We are going for counselling tomorrow. If i'm not satisfied with the reason for all of this nonsense, we are over. She says she loves me and I also love her, so I owe it to this marriage to hear the truth and get to the bottom of it. We will find out tomorrow. Wish us luck. P.s it really hurts me deeply hearing people say that she doesn't love me, it shouldn't hurt (thought I had created emotional walls) but it does. Can lack of respect play a part in sexual attraction? Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted May 15, 2014 Share Posted May 15, 2014 We are going for counselling tomorrow. Go into the counselor's office with a list of what you want from your marriage. Sex, affection, trust, kindness, respect, etc. and let the counselor take it from there. Ask your wife what she wants from your marriage. If the two lists are different, there you go... no reason to continue if you want different things. But if the lists are similar, it's just a matter of learning how to communicate and listen to each other so you can get on the same page. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted May 15, 2014 Share Posted May 15, 2014 Can lack of respect play a part in sexual attraction? Absolutely! I can't imagine being sexually attracted to a man I didn't respect. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GrandeH Posted May 16, 2014 Author Share Posted May 16, 2014 Go into the counselor's office with a list of what you want from your marriage. Sex, affection, trust, kindness, respect, etc. and let the counselor take it from there. Ask your wife what she wants from your marriage. If the two lists are different, there you go... no reason to continue if you want different things. But if the lists are similar, it's just a matter of learning how to communicate and listen to each other so you can get on the same page. We are currently not together, and she is not speaking to me until the session tomorrow, to avoid us fighting any further. So I may have to ask her on the spot what she wants in the marriage, where as I will have the advantage of having written it down. Maybe i'll just send a message passed onto her to write hers down too. I have to ask, what if I say something different than her, but we both want those things too for each other. I ask this because we have had this conversation before but not as serious, and although we said different things, they complemented each other. I hope that makes sense. Absolutely! I can't imagine being sexually attracted to a man I didn't respect. Part of me thinks that she has little respect for me, because I fail to provide for her high materialistic expectations. I am 22 and she is 25, but she expects to live like the Jones' already. Very confusing for somone who comes from a poor country. We had a big argument about this, and she has backed off but I can see in her eyes that she sees me as a failiure in this regard. She does not see the things that I do for her. I supported her while she was in her country and worked hard to bring her here to my country but it seems she doesn't understand that money does not grow on trees. I also lack some leadership skills that a husband should have, not that I am not trying. I am a very self aware person and can understand why she wouldn't have respect for me. I just don't think its fair for me to be expected to have the marriage wisdom and understanding of a 30 year old guy considering she is actually my first proper relationship. I am clueless at times and like I said in my earlier post, this can be fixed with a little wisdom from older married couples and life experience with a willingness to learn to grow together as a couple on both our ends. So yes while I understand my faults in this marriage, the biggest problem is that I feel I don't deserve harsh treatment from her when I fail to meet my wifes expectations, especially after the fact that she doesn't communicate these needs until its too late! She actually lets it build up into resentment then blows up at me. Meanwhile i'm wondering what I did wrong and being treated coldly. I know I keep repeating this, but writing this stuff down and reading your responses is actually helping me a lot. Grazie! Link to post Share on other sites
Author GrandeH Posted May 16, 2014 Author Share Posted May 16, 2014 Oh and another thing is that we are completely different people. I am a very introverted geeky "nice guy" kind of guy with a "lame dad jokes" sense of humour, while she is the club scene trendy fashion heavy socialite who thinks that real confidence in a man is those macho treating women crap like those kind of guys you find a lot in the clubs etc but I am confident in the right way, I am confident in my way and I am respected by many people. I have been told that I am much much more mature for my age, as I seem to have better conversations with people at least 6+ years my senior. Anyway i'm a "nice guy" and she is a "bad girl". I remember thinking to myself that I would never be friends with a girl like this... Oh how that made me feel bad to think that about my own wife. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 16, 2014 Share Posted May 16, 2014 What would you tell a young guy who has been married for 6 months and the wife refuses to have sex with him for God knows what ridiculous reason, AND she is horrible to him and says that her ex made her happier than him? By no sex, I mean it hasn't happened yet! Three words. Get a divorce! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MuscleCarFan Posted May 16, 2014 Share Posted May 16, 2014 Get an annulment! She treats you terribly and you are clearly unhappy. It's better to get an annulment and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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