How much alone time do you need?

[Damaged217]

Hi all. I posted about this in another thread, but I wanted some advice from some married folks. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 6 months. We moved pretty quickly and pretty much started living together after 3 months. He doesn't actually live with me but he is over almost daily and sleeps over just as much. I feel like he doesn't give me the chance to miss him and I feel like I missed out on a lot of the fun stuff that goes along with the first several months of dating. He's ridiculously comfortable around me and that's great, but I wish we were still at that awkward stage where he felt embarrassed if he passed gas in front of me and those sort of things.

 

Anyway, I've always had a lot of alone time in my previous relationships and that need is still there. I don't mean just time away from my bf where I hang out with my friends. My bf doesn't have a problem with that. He doesn't understand me wanting to be alone though. I just want 1 day a week where I can veg out and watch my crappy tv shows and relax. My bf doesn't really watch tv so I feel bad trying to watch shows when he is over. Plus, he just always says how dumb the shows are. I had a talk with him about this and he seems to be taking it personally. He asked what was I going to do when I got married? Just escape from him for a whole day? I hadn't thought that far ahead but it is a good question.

 

That got me to thinking how my need for alone time would work in a marriage. How much alone time do you guys need? And how do you make it work in your marriage?

[Keenly]

I need at least 3 nights a week alone.

 

Nights consisting of 3 to 4 hours.

[Els]

We're not married yet, for various reasons, but we've been living together quite happily for a few years. I get a lot of alone-time, because my SO works 60 hour weeks, and I work 40. As for him, it seems that it isn't 'time alone' that is the issue for him, but rather just time spent vegging out and doing whatever he likes. If I'm around it doesn't seem to affect his enjoyment. He probably does his own thing for maybe 4-5 hours a week (so about an hour each day on weekdays).

 

On the other hand, I don't do things like calling his activities 'dumb', so I can see how your bf being around might affect you...

 

When you are married, if you can afford it, there is the possibility of just spending time by yourself in a separate room. But really I'd say that the main issue here is that he shouldn't be brushing off your needs like that.

Edited May 11, 2014 by Elswyth

[radman]

My wife and I are both in the medical profession. As such, there is usually at least 1-2 nights/wk where one of us is on-call or working an overnight shift.

Those are the nights that I use to do some reading or watching movies she's not interested in. She uses the nights I'm gone for the same plus staying in touch with long-distance friends on the phone.

At the stage of our relationship, that's perfect.

 

Otherwise our nights are pretty much the same. I go workout (she works out in the morning), then we both sit down and eat dinner while catching up on our shows we watch together. Head up to be bed early and end up having pillow-talk about our day (with snuggling) for about an hour. Followed by sex (usually 3x/wk).

[Haydn]

When the kiddies sleep. Stretch out with a `jar` replay the footy i missed.

[Silly_Girl]

Because of work I have 2 evenings a week without my husband. And he gets some day time without me.

 

If he wasn't working those shifts I would probably pick an evening a fortnight to have entirely alone. Sometimes I go to bed a bit earlier to watch trash on TV, or have a mammoth shower and 'faff' which is an hour or two.

 

I do prefer when he's around but I know how suffocating it can feel if you crave that alone time. I know sometimes it's a bit different and special just being 'the only person in the house' And if you *are* someone who needs that time, it's really important you ensure you get it.

[carhill]

That got me to thinking how my need for alone time would work in a marriage. How much alone time do you guys need? And how do you make it work in your marriage?

 

Out of a 24 hour day, less say six solid hours of sleeping, leaving 18 hours, my exW and I were 'alone', meaning not interacting directly, for about 12 of those 18 hours, leaving an average of six hours a day where we either were or had the opportunity to be together. Out of those six hours, we generally spent at least one to two hours 'alone', meaning not in the same space or actively engaged. An example might be me working on one of my old cars and she scrapbooking. So, absent extraordinary events, out of a 24 hour day, we'd have six hours of sleeping and 13-14 hours of alone time (from the marriage/relationship). This appeared to work fine for us.

 

One aspect I did note that was an issue for myself is that exW sometimes would want 'couple time' where I was in the room but not interacting with her, just present. I felt, if my presence was akin to a flowerpot or piece of art on the wall, I might as well occupy myself alone. However, this perception didn't appear to make sense to her. Perhaps it's a male/female thing, IDK.

 

Anyway, in relationships/marriage, I don't recall ever needing more alone time than that provided by circumstances, and I tend to be a 'do alone' kind of man, and have lived alone for many years. It (alone time needed) simply wasn't an issue that I could recall.

[SleeplessIn]

In our marriage, we give each other a good deal of space. For example, we each have a computer and our computer areas are in different rooms -- I do a good deal of work on mine, and he manages a military website on his or plays games, etc.

 

Along the same lines, he watches a lot of TV while I like to read -- we can thus be in the same room, or sitting side by side but enjoying our own thing.

 

As far as time completely alone, we have a couple of acres and there are places to go and sit. But before we had this property, we still gave each other time alone a few times a week. One of us will grocery shop while the other stays home, things like that.

 

Having ridden buses and metro trains for years to and from work, sometimes all it takes for me to feel "alone" is to put on dark glasses!

[Damaged217]

On the other hand, I don't do things like calling his activities 'dumb', so I can see how your bf being around might affect you...

 

 

Yep. His presence alone doesn't negatively affect me. It's just that when I spend most of my free time with him, I miss out on my tv shows and when I finally get to watch them, I want to do so in silence. If he's going to be talking to me during the shows or commenting on how ridiculous they are, then I'd rather he not be there. He's also a health nut and I am not. So I can't even enjoy ice cream or other junk food without him making a comment. I get that he wants me to eat healthy because he loves me. But sometimes a girl just wants to watch her shows in silence and stuff her face with non-organic crap! lol

 

I think I'm going to just pick a night of the week where I plan on catching up on my shows and warn him beforehand. Then he can decide if he wants to come over and do his own thing in SILENCE or just stay at home.

 

I don't think he's brushing off my needs on purpose. He seems genuinely confused by this and genuinely hurt. I can understand why he is confused since we have been dating almost 6 months and I am just bringing this up now, seemingly out of nowhere. I was just too anxious and scared to bring it up before. He has a strong tendency to over-analyze things.

 

Suppose I will just communicate with him more on this and see if he can try to understand and respect my needs. If he can't, I guess I won't have to worry about this problem during a marriage

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

 

. It's just that when I spend most of my free time with him, I miss out on my tv shows and when I finally get to watch them, I want to do so in silence. If he's going to be talking to me during the shows or commenting on how ridiculous they are, then I'd rather he not be there.

 

 

Simple solution here, reduce your "free time" and in lieu of that free time, schedule yourself more Damaged217 time. Schedule in more time for you to just do your thang without him interfering with your enjoyment of it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He's also a health nut and I am not. So I can't even enjoy ice cream or other junk food without him making a comment. I get that he wants me to eat healthy because he loves me. But sometimes a girl just wants to watch her shows in silence and stuff her face with non-organic crap! lol

 

 

 

 

Same as above, schedule your bad food time in with your TV time.

 

I think I'm going to just pick a night of the week where I plan on catching up on my shows and warn him beforehand. Then he can decide if he wants to come over and do his own thing in SILENCE or just stay at home.

 

 

 

 

Word of warning here - you are setting him up to fail and setting yourself up to get put on the defensive and look like the bad guy here.

 

 

this is putting him in the situation of if he wants to see you, he has to be the good little puppy dog and sit in the corner and not bother Momma. If he comes over for a lick or to get scratched behind the ears he's a bad doggy. .....and you look like a bitch.

here's the bottomline, you are entitled to your own time. If you want some alone time, you schedule it into your daily/weekly/monthly planning and it doesn't include him.

You two are still in the dating stage which means your activities together are planning and scheduled. If it isn't planned and scheduled, it doesn't happen.

You have no reason to warn him beforehand and you have no reason to justify it. He has no reason to feel entitled to your home at this point and should be asking ahead of time if he can come over. Put simple time guidelines on things. Simply say, "I will be available some time after ____o'clock tonight." or "Tonight won't work but you can come over after ____ o'clock tomorrow"

....no further explanation is necessary.

 

 

I don't think he's brushing off my needs on purpose. He seems genuinely confused by this and genuinely hurt.

 

 

Then this is the first little red flags starting to flap in the breeze and something that needs to be addressed and delt with ASAP.

This is very important.

you must establish your own boundaries and reestablish the boundaries of your home. His name is not on the lease and he is not paying rent or utilities and he is therefor not entitled to come and go into your home at free will. You have allowed this to occur and now it is going to be somewhat difficult to take it back.

You two have different ideas and different needs on how much time you spend together and how much time you each need alone. He is not a loner and so he does not understand the need for some alone time. He's not going to just "get it" and understand naturally. You are going to have to spell out that you need some time to yourself and need some of your own space.

He will interpret that as a cause for concern and worry that you are going to dump him or be sneaking off to see someone else.

You must nip that in the bud right off the bat too.

 

 

 

 

I can understand why he is confused since we have been dating almost 6 months and I am just bringing this up now, seemingly out of nowhere.

 

 

 

 

Actually it's not out of nowhere, you are reaching the stage in the relationship where things like this must be addressed and delt with. If you fail to do so, it will bite you in the @$$. How you will spend your time together as a couple vs how you will retain your own separate identity is a critical point in an established relationship at you are at that stage now. You are going from Sat night dates on the town, to becoming more integrated into each others lives. This is a critical piece of that. Don't bungle it.

 

 

 

 

I was just too anxious and scared to bring it up before.

 

 

you were scared if you asserted yourself, you would say something that indicated you weren't compatible and he would bolt. So you've let this go on until your back is against the wall and you are at a stage where it has to be addressed.

 

 

 

 

He has a strong tendency to over-analyze things.

 

 

 

 

Or is he looking for signs of incompatibility with a microscope?

 

Suppose I will just communicate with him more on this and see if he can try to understand and respect my needs.

 

 

 

 

If he can understand them and respect them without it causing problems and distress, then things are good to go. Understanding and respecting them is all you really need. He doesn't have to like it and he doesn't have to feel the same way about it himself...and he probably won't.

If he can accept it without distress or backlash, then you are good but.... If he can't, I guess I won't have to worry about this problem during a marriage

 

 

I hope what you mean by that is that there won't be a marriage if this situation can't be resolved.

And in case you are wondering but haven't had the ovaries to ask - yes, this is a legitimate deal breaker.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

responses above.

[Els]

Yep. His presence alone doesn't negatively affect me. It's just that when I spend most of my free time with him, I miss out on my tv shows and when I finally get to watch them, I want to do so in silence. If he's going to be talking to me during the shows or commenting on how ridiculous they are, then I'd rather he not be there. He's also a health nut and I am not. So I can't even enjoy ice cream or other junk food without him making a comment. I get that he wants me to eat healthy because he loves me. But sometimes a girl just wants to watch her shows in silence and stuff her face with non-organic crap! lol

 

Ugh. Are you sure there aren't bigger issues here than just you needing more alone time? I mean, eating healthy regularly is good, but if you can't ever indulge in anything around him (ice cream, or your favourite shows) without him being a negative nancy about it, there might be other issues at hand here.

 

I think I'm going to just pick a night of the week where I plan on catching up on my shows and warn him beforehand. Then he can decide if he wants to come over and do his own thing in SILENCE or just stay at home.

 

I don't think he's brushing off my needs on purpose. He seems genuinely confused by this and genuinely hurt. I can understand why he is confused since we have been dating almost 6 months and I am just bringing this up now, seemingly out of nowhere. I was just too anxious and scared to bring it up before. He has a strong tendency to over-analyze things.

 

Suppose I will just communicate with him more on this and see if he can try to understand and respect my needs. If he can't, I guess I won't have to worry about this problem during a marriage

 

This sounds like a good idea.

[Damaged217]

Ugh. Are you sure there aren't bigger issues here than just you needing more alone time? I mean, eating healthy regularly is good, but if you can't ever indulge in anything around him (ice cream, or your favourite shows) without him being a negative nancy about it, there might be other issues at hand here.

 

 

 

This sounds like a good idea.

 

What issues are you referring to? He just likes eating organic and wishes I would do the same. He will eat pizza and drink beer with me and he even buys me chocolates and crap food for me sometimes when it's that time of the month. He just prefers those things in strict moderation. I have very bad eating habits so I don't mind him trying to make me eat veggies or stop me from drinking diet soda. And, just to make it clear, he can make comments all he wants. It is annoying sometimes, but, in the end, I'm going to eat what I darn want to!

[Damaged217]

You made some good points, oldshirt. When I want some alone time, I'm going to just take it. I like your suggestion about the time guidelines. Thanks. And, yes, I did mean that if he couldn't respect my needs, then there would be no future for us. I know my need is reasonable and healthy and I'm not going to stay with someone who wants me to sacrifice my sanity to keep them happy.

 

I did speak with my boyfriend again about this. He doesn't understand my desire for "me" time, but, fortunately, he respects it, which is all I asked. Only time will tell if he comes through with that respect and doesn't continue to make this whole thing into an issue. I have faith. He's a good guy and he loves me.

[littleplanet]

The fact that your bf doesn't understand your desire for 'me' time is the real issue.

But that's just a learning curve. Some people crave solitude - others detest it.

Is it really a compatibility issue? Can be - but doesn't necessarily have to be.

I figure there's 3 types:

A - total hermit

B - radical social butterfly

C - healthy mix of the first two

 

C.......is how I've lived most of my life. The more you get to indulge in both sides - the more necessary they are.

Things I tend to do without the SO:

- read books, write, club (jamming with other musicians)

Things I tend to do with the SO:

Romance! hang out, wine and dine, yak, cruise about and discover things, socialize (parties, small get-togethers, etc.)

 

I find the best mix is a combination of the two. We each have different interests in things that would bore the other to tears. So we don't go there - as a couple. Yet those things still interest the one about the other (curious differences.)

 

There is no set rule: Sometimes it's top-heavy one side or the other. Just an ebb and flow. When there's been too much of one....it switches to time for the other - a natural craving.

 

It is always a wonderful thing....even after a long time - to suddenly discover that you miss them. Really miss them.

Patterns.....where a certain kind of comfort zone kicks in.

 

But the bottom line - is the self-security, where the old familiar feeling of living your life the way you want to.....doing things that are important (as if you are actually alone....) but you're not. They're in the next room.....or a couple of hours from coming home....

They know your routines. You know theirs. You're not joined at the hip. Just at the heart.

The best balance is where all the needs are met.

 

Ha! tv. I haven't watched 'conventional' tv since I was 16. But that's why I have a writing room. Full of books, desks, computers, musical instruments.

But that room also has a daybed in it (it's a rather large room.)

And the daybed sometimes invites.........certain adventures.

The writing room also has a number of chairs. Designed for work, yes -

but also sitting and talking. (though my favorite place for that is still the kitchen table.)

 

It can happen both ways in a relationship: lonliness for yourself (that downtime, recharging batteries) or lonliness for the other....like the one you used to know who has somehow slipped away.....

 

Which is why creative spontaneous moods sometimes work wonders.

Like the times the guitar is all tuned up and sitting in the hallway and I'm 20 minutes away from leaving for the club......

and then a conversation starts -

and two hours later I've forgotten all about the club.

(or - occasionally.....two hours later - we're BOTH there.) That's a rare treat.

 

Was it always this balanced? Of course not (though I got lucky.)

I figure it's just learning how to 'domesticate' romance.

I remember the wild times. It's a little more tame now.

But comfortable.

 

Did I ever have to demand 'me' time? Yep. Long time ago. (I tend to be the one a little more 'lone wolf' by nature.)

But now.......all it takes is a sigh.......a look......never an argument.

 

In the end - for someone you care enough about, you learn how to compromise.

That's sort of a no-brainer.

(dinners with the crazy in-laws, for instance.)

[Shepp]

I actually really don't need much alone time at all! When I'm not with the fiancee i'll normally be with a friend, or family member or teammate, i like having people around to bounce off.

 

My fiancee does on the other hand need her space here and there so thats cool, we're not joined at the hip, i go out to play sport or fishing and stuff and shes on her own then or even i'll be out in the garden while shes up on the deck reading a book - that's kind of alone time.

 

Thou cause of my shift pattern I actually do two night shifts a week and ironically she hates that.

 

I guess its about both realising the need to find a balance that works for both of you!

[Els]

What issues are you referring to? He just likes eating organic and wishes I would do the same. He will eat pizza and drink beer with me and he even buys me chocolates and crap food for me sometimes when it's that time of the month. He just prefers those things in strict moderation. I have very bad eating habits so I don't mind him trying to make me eat veggies or stop me from drinking diet soda. And, just to make it clear, he can make comments all he wants. It is annoying sometimes, but, in the end, I'm going to eat what I darn want to!

 

Well, I was referring to your comment that you 'can't ever eat ice cream or watch your favourite shows without him making comments if he's around'. Assuming that statement were true, then that isn't normal or healthy, because most of us who are happily living together will tell you that they can indulge in a personal hobby while their SO is around, without attracting negative comments all the time.

 

But, if that wasn't what you meant, and it were truly just a question of him encouraging moderation, then there is no issue, I suppose. But in that case I would ask what prompted you to start this thread, if there weren't a problem?

[somedude81]

I've spent too much time of my life alone.

 

One to two nights by myself is fine.

[Mapper71]

I think everyone needs their alone time in a relationship! It works out pretty well for H and me. He leaves for work at about 4AM and then I get up and putter around doing stuff I wouldn't otherwise do if he was there and leave for work around 7AM. Sometimes I watch one of the shows On Demand that I like but he doesn't. Sometimes I clean. He gets home at 2PM and I don't get home until around 5PM so that gives him time to decompress from work and do things like play his video games or work in the garden.

 

However when he pulls the crap of not going to work for days/weeks at a time then I really need my alone time because I never get it!

[Mapper71]

Hi all.

I just want 1 day a week where I can veg out and watch my crappy tv shows and relax. My bf doesn't really watch tv so I feel bad trying to watch shows when he is over. Plus, he just always says how dumb the shows are.

 

My husband criticizes what I watch too if he isn't interested in them. If something isn't blowing up or sci-fi it's "Why are you watching THAT?" Because I like it! I like some stupid reality shows, or dramas. I think sci-fi stuff is "stupid" but I don't tell you that!