All My Fault.

[Unfortunatelyalakers]

I am beyond miserable, desperate, and, in general, completely lost at this point, and it is all my fault. Let me start from the beginning:

 

We met in April of 2011. We met at work. We were "Account Managers" for a cell phone company, "Account Managers" here meaning people who answer phones in a call center. Our specific job description was to take calls from people who want to cancel their service. Imagine that: spending 8 hours a day, 5 days a week talking to the most angry, hateful 10% of your company's customer base (not that working there was anybody's fault but ours...just saying). In retrospect, an environment where everyone is so spiritually tortured was probably not the best environment to look for love, but, like almost all life decisions I've ever made (and what will be a recurring theme in this relationship), I went against my better judgment and tried anyway. After a few years I met Jane. We ended up sitting next to each other one day, struck up a conversation, and were sending flirtatious text messages to each other within a few days. After a week of texts we decided to go out on our first date.

 

Prior to our first date, Jane arranged a meeting with her 7 year old son, who was the result of a previous relationship. We got along well enough, and subsequently Jane and I decided to go out on our first date the next weekend. I should have known this girl would be a problem

when I arrived to pick her up that day. The house was disgusting. There were dirty dishes on the floor. The kitchen counter was not visible beneath a layer of opened mail, homework assignments, catalogs, and various pieces of paper-related trash. The living room floor was covered in Legos, which Jane had not required her son to clean up prior to going to his dad's house for the weekend. She actually brought up the Legos, and said she didn't have time to clean them up before she was ready to leave for our date. After touring the rest of the house I was thoroughly unimpressed. This woman was living what could legitimately be considered a hoarder's life. I, being a clean freak, consider such a filthy environment a deal breaker. However, I shrugged off all of these Red Flags as I didn't want to be unfairly judgmental, and also REALLY wanted to sleep with her.

 

Four weeks later I'm moving in. About two weeks after I moved in we had what would be our first of many nuclear meltdown blowouts. During the fight, I moved out. I moved back in the same day.

 

Fast-Forwad three years and we're married with a kid scheduled to arrive in August. Since we met, my wife has revealed herself to be generally incompetent, hypocritical (she gets mad at me for using too much soap and/or paper towels, but spends who knows how much money every month on fast food, Starbucks, etc. other wasteful products), a total and complete slob, a woman of poor hygiene (her vaginal stink ground our sex life to a screeching halt: The day I gently, considerately asked her to see if a doctor could help us with it, she made me feel like I was unfairly attacking her...three days later she went to the doctor, who, as I had empathetically suggested, gave her a prescription for a vaginosis medication) and just not a good partner in general. To be fair, I am not always a good partner. I have anger issues, I'm compulsively clean, I'm not as patient as I could/should be, and in many ways my personality is annoying. With my weaknesses being stated, I wouldn't feel justified complaining like this if I didn't think my weaknesses were irrelevant in the context of the problems I have in this specific relationship. They may not be irrelevant, but based on how poor a partner I have perceived my wife to be up to this point, paired with the efforts and changes I have made to try to fix things (relationship AND individual counseling, active listening, empathy, reciprocation, making the small fights small, trying to focus on improving myself before judging her), I truly believe she just sucks. PERIOD. At this point I can't go anywhere! I have a 10 year old boy who loves me as much or more than his real dad, my own baby on the way, a house on the market, a new house being prepared for us to move in, and no prospects for other living situations that would allow me to get out of living with my wife. I saw all the signs and stuck around anyway, and now I feel trapped...stuck...****ED. And what has two thumbs and is at fault for the whole shebang? THIS guy. I think my wife and I are both crazy douchebags who deserve each other, and if that's true that really sucks because it's one thing to be a crazy douchebag; it's a whole other thing entirely to be a crazy douchebag and to be AWARE of it. If anyone knows how I can end this miserable existence without committing suicide I would greatly appreciate it.

[Minnie09]

Eek. Sounds like you are full of hatred for this woman. And disrespect. You despise her and it looks like you always have. Which brings me to the assumption that you're someone who doesn't make good decisions in his life. You're more like whatever happens happens, if she wants to get married, I'll get married, if she wants a baby, let's have one, etc.etc.

 

If that's the story of your life, ie to let others make your life decisions for you, and then despise them for the misery you're in, then I have to say it's not their fault. It's your passive attitude. You met her, really wanted to sleep with her, and despite the fact that you're utterly and totally incompatible on all levels, you end up having a family with that woman? Why? That just flabbergasts me. I hope you're good to her kid. Because when I read your story I'm worried that all the negativity and dissatisfaction affects the child. It's not his fault that his mother doesn't clean, and that she's married to a neat-freak who can't stand her. That one is on you. I don't know what made you marry her and purchase a home and get her pregnant, but these are the decisions (or non/decisions) you've gotta live with and deal with, and now you have two kids you're responsible for on top of that.

 

I don't know what to say. Just fix yourself, change what you can change, meaning that you are responsible for your decisions, make them and follow through. But keep the kids' best interest in mind. They deserve so much better.

[dovegirl]

I'm sorry, usually I follow the rule of "if you can't say something nice don't say anything at all" but...

 

What on EARTH possessed you to marry this woman????

 

You didn't mention a single compatibility in your entire post. What's more, it's been that way from the beginning. Why would you enter a relationship that is doomed to fail? The only positive thing you said was that you REALLY wanted to sleep with her. Well, maybe now you've learned the lesson that sexual attraction does not a marriage make.

 

Ugh. My advice is, next time use your big head instead of the little one.

[Hope Shimmers]

Having a vaginal infection is not equivalent to "poor hygiene", so please don't state that. If she truly had poor hygiene, I would think you - given your obsessive cleanliness tendencies - would not have spent three years with her before realizing this.

 

Sorry, but I think you are right - it's all your fault.

 

There is never a good time to get out. The best time is the earliest time. Nothing will be improved by your staying longer when you despise her.

[Unfortunatelyalakers]

Minnie, Dovegirl, Hope-THANK YOU for your responses. Minnie: Either you are an exceptionally perceptive person or I underestimated the efficacy of the implied illustration of my character in what I wrote. My life will ultimately be defined by the horrible decisions I have made, as the good ones have been so few and far between. I was raised by a woman crazier than a bag of cats and never knew my father. Not looking for tiny violins, just giving you the genesis. My life being what it is, a man less insightful or less willing to take responsibility for his actions would say fate wants him to be miserable, he's cursed, etc. I believe myself to be a more inwardly pragmatic man, and thus choose to believe that a part of me deep down needs the conflict, and that while I blame the need on who I am, I fully accept the fact that my decisions were made in the philosophical state of "Free Agency", and are therefore traceable only to me. I am constitutionally either not able or not willing to apply these insights to my decision making process because there is something WRONG with me. And as for the boy, he and I have a great relationship...perhaps too great. I recently had to call a meeting with his father to tell him to step his game up as the boy was starting to give us the feeling he didn't want to go to his dad's on the weekends anymore. They are doing better now, and hopefully the dad will stay on the right path. And I would die for my daughter, even though she's not here yet.

 

Dovegirl-Very well-said and correct. See above regarding my decision making as it applies to developing such a serious relationship with someone so wrong for me. I'm a sick man, apparently. And the kicker is: At this point I'm not even sexually attracted to her anymore. Not because she's gained weight or because of the baby. I don't even think she's an unattractive woman. It's just...STALE.

 

Hope: I knew I didn't put enough in there regarding my issues with my wife's hygiene. As you stated, I actually put wrong information in there. The vaginal infection thing wasn't a hygiene issue. The offensive nature of that situation lies in the fact that bringing it up to her in a loving, gentle, respectful, empathetic, concerned manner resulted in nuclear derision, which, not surprisingly, just drove me further away from her. Then, SHE decided to go to the doctor, who verified that it was medically necessary for her to be seen by one. Just frustrating. Besides that, though, her breath always stinks, and when she takes a pre-sex shower, her ass still smells like a dirty ass, whereas mine does not. And I'm a 6'3", 220 pound, hairy beast.

 

Thank you again for your responses. I wish I had posted on this forum after our first date. It would have been nice to have some sense talked into me before it was too late.

[lucy_in_disguise]

After reading your thread, I have just one question... How do you know what your ass smells like when you get out of the shower?

[whichwayisup]

Everything else aside, getting involved and marrying someone who is a hoarder when you are a clean freak is asking for lots of trouble.

 

Gonna be blunt, I don't think you ever 'fell in love' with her, it was 'in lust'. Throw in the issues at hand, it takes a very patient person to stay with someone who has that type of illness. She is probably suffers from depression as well. (not caring about her hygiene etc) And when she showered, she may not have cleaned herself properly down there. Just sayin' if you think she smelled so bad after a shower, something isn't right.

 

Get some marriage counseling in to help you make a good decision. As much as you want out, you need to do it fairly and respectfully for the sake of your step child and unborn child. You and her should go to counseling together and apart.

[Unfortunatelyalakers]

After reading your thread, I have just one question... How do you know what your ass smells like when you get out of the shower?

 

A) I take a soapy washcloth and scrub vigorously in between the cheeks. I do this for hygiene and as a courtesy to my wife, which brings me to B) My wife's blowjobs. In the 69 I figure whatever scent is down there would waft unmercifully and directly into both nostrils, but she has never said anything. If she is lying to me about that for the sake of my feelings that's sweet, and I would appreciate that, but for her sake I would rather take care of the problem instead of her unnecessarily dealing with a disgusting smell while she's fellating me. I'm not asking her to move the sun and the earth here. I'm just asking her to be courteous and to meet a very basic standard of cleanliness that anyone would agree with. So I guess the question is how do YOU NOT know what YOUR ass smells like? Does no one go down there for you? Do you not scrub your ass when you take a shower? And if you were going down on someone and that person's ass smelled like my wife's, you would know and/or would say something about it. You would not enjoy the experience unless you have a dirty, **** smell fetish.

[MidwestUSA]

Did you bring up her stinky ass problem before marrying? I'm still not clear AT ALL how you ended up married to someone you apparently hate.

 

Have you tried washing hers for her, if you believe she's not doing it properly?

[lucy_in_disguise]

Why did u decide to have a kid? And why do I have a feeling your wife has no clue about your issues with her?

[oldshirt]

At this point I can't go anywhere!

 

 

 

 

. I saw all the signs and stuck around anyway, and now I feel trapped...stuck...****ED.

 

 

 

 

. I think my wife and I are both crazy douchebags who deserve each other, and if that's true that really sucks because it's one thing to be a crazy douchebag; it's a whole other thing entirely to be a crazy douchebag and to be AWARE of it.

 

 

 

 

If anyone knows how I can end this miserable existence without committing suicide I would greatly appreciate it.

 

 

 

I hate to play junior shrink here, but do you feel trapped and out of control and that you have no ability to direct and influence your existence in all other areas of your life as well??

 

 

Are you a compulsive cleaner because that's the one thing you feel you can control in your life? (in other words, your life may be one big disaster but at least it's going to be a clean and tidy disaster?)

 

 

you say you feel trapped and stuck, but of course you can get out of this situation. All you have to do is consult an attorney, discuss what you wish to do, determine what conditions post-divorce you wish to achieve and what your limits are, draw up the papers, file with the court, the court will order mediation at which point you and your representative and your STBX and her representative will sit down and discuss the terms of the care and support of your shared child and division of your joint marital property.

 

 

If you come to agreements on everything, you sign the agreements, submit it to the court, the court reviews it and if they are cool with everything they issue the final decree and you are divorced and go on with your life in accordance to the court mandated custody arrangement and child care.

 

 

Where is the trapped????????

 

 

There is a mechanism well in place to get away from her if she repulses you so much. Of course you are going to have to pay for a child you fathered. I don't want to have to pay for him/her and I didn't get to bang his mother so why should I pay for it? But the point remains that you aren't trapped, you aren't stuck. You absolutely have the ability to move on. It will cost you some court fees and lawyer fees and you'll pay a couple decades worth of child support, but that is the cost of *****ing and marrying and fathering a child with a woman you don't like.

 

 

Your real question here isn't how do I get out of this. What you are really asking is "how do I get out of this and have everything be all neat and tidy and clean and not cost me anything?"

 

 

The answer to that is, you don't. There will be fees and costs and it will be messy and will have a stink that some soap and water won't be able to wash away.

[Tressugar]

Her vaginal odor must have not been too much of a turn off because you got her pregnant.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I don't see any way back for this relationship. I have to say... what were you thinking ignoring the huge clanging alarm bell that was a woman introducing you to her child BEFORE THE FIRST DATE and then having you move in a month later, move out again a fortnight later, and then back in? The lack of consideration and care she showed her son at that stage should have been enough of a red flag to call the whole thing off, and yet you went along with it? You kinda only have yourself to blame for this. I have no idea how you ended up proposing to, marrying, and then impregnating this woman you apparently despise with all of your heart and soul.

 

For the sake of the kids, you need to move on. If you haven't spoken to her FRANKLY already, then do so, and get marital counselling, see if there's anything left to salvage, especially with a tiny baby not yet in this world who didn't ask to be born to parents that hate rather than love one another. But I suspect it's too late and you need to divorce and move on.

 

Are you asking for permission here to do so, what with two kids and a house and a marriage? I think it's far more damaging to kids to stay in this scenario than to have two separated, loving parents. Trust me, I've been there.

[Hope Shimmers]

A) I take a soapy washcloth and scrub vigorously in between the cheeks. I do this for hygiene and as a courtesy to my wife, which brings me to B) My wife's blowjobs. In the 69 I figure whatever scent is down there would waft unmercifully and directly into both nostrils, but she has never said anything. If she is lying to me about that for the sake of my feelings that's sweet, and I would appreciate that, but for her sake I would rather take care of the problem instead of her unnecessarily dealing with a disgusting smell while she's fellating me. I'm not asking her to move the sun and the earth here. I'm just asking her to be courteous and to meet a very basic standard of cleanliness that anyone would agree with. So I guess the question is how do YOU NOT know what YOUR ass smells like? Does no one go down there for you? Do you not scrub your ass when you take a shower? And if you were going down on someone and that person's ass smelled like my wife's, you would know and/or would say something about it. You would not enjoy the experience unless you have a dirty, **** smell fetish.

 

TMI for sure.

 

I'm now sorry I brought up the hygiene issue at all

[Medium.Lumo]

I get what you're saying with the clean freak thing. I'm also one and my girlfriend doesn't care. She's not a hoarder or anything but leaves stuff lying around and doesn't clean after herself.

 

It was an issue in the beginning of our relationship but to be fair after a lot of nagging she did try to clean up. Unfortunately she used supermarket products which I DO NOT DO. I make my own bleach mixture and use that.

 

Anyway you can fix this. Tell her that today you are both going to go through her stuff and throw away or sell half of it or possibly more. If she doesn't agree just do it without her when she's not around.

 

Clean the place thoroughly and don't allow anything into the house that is a duplication or unnecessary.

 

Can't comment on the vagina odour since I've only smelled one and it is not bad at all.