GrandeH Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 Buongiorno LS, I am in a very sad situation and don't know how to proceed. My wife and I have been married for a short time. I live in a western country and she is from a third world country. We got hitched in her country and not long after that I went back to my country. It was a LDR during that time and finally we are reunited again in my country after a lengthy visa process. Here is the problem, she is not happy to be here and she is taking it out on me! We haven't seen each other in a long time and she is being cold/distant/bitchy torwards me basically she is ignoring me and not showing any affection whatsoever not even a kiss just an empty hug when I picked her up. I feel more lonely now than when we were LDR and alone. I prepared a nice thoughtful gift and she did not even say thanks. I had a heart to heart with her about all of this and she still thinks i'm the enemy. I would understand if I did something wrong, but here I am excited to see my wife and she is being a cold hearted bitch to me. I almost regret marrying her and now i'm starting to be emotionally distant torwards her. What do I do? Grazie Link to post Share on other sites
lostnlovely Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 You should have a heart to heart with her , let her know that you're not feeling the love from her anymore . Ask her what you can do to try to make her happy , what is it that she wants. Tell her you're willing to do what it takes to get your relationship back to normal. After some time of trying to do that , if its still not working .. then you tell her that if its not going to change then you have to leave , because life is to short for neither one of you to be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 I wonder how you guys met and if you spent a lot of 'real' time with her before you married. How well do you know her? If the relationship was mostly LTR then you might have married the woman you projected her to be. You need to talk to her, get to know her more and find out what exactly makes her unhappy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppygoodwill Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 Did the distance start after she arrived, or it was already in place when she joined you? Moving to a new country adn culture can be so difficult and disorienting. If she was excited when she came but over time sunk into depression or anxiety, that's one thing. But if she was cold and distant when she arrived, then you might have a whole other problem on your hands. I hate to say it, but it does happen that people from poor countries marry people from rich ones sometimes, for the wrong reasons. When you ask why she's so unhappy with you, what does she say? Link to post Share on other sites
Author GrandeH Posted May 9, 2014 Author Share Posted May 9, 2014 (edited) Thanks guys for your responses, definitely opened my eyes. Just to answer some questions: we met online and most of the relationship was indeed LDR before we married. She was not happy at all from the time she arrived. We have had a lot of arguments regarding "marrying me for the wrong reasons" and I can assure you its not that, I did my own tests to verify that she was not using me and she does love me in her own way. There are political problems in her country and some of her family both immediate and extended are in potentially dangerous situations, not neccessarily in danger but could be if the smallest upset happens. She had to leave as this was happening, and she also told me that leaving her country/culture/everything she knows/her life and moving to a different country with different culture/traditions/way of living etc is making her scared and sad. Those are all good reasons for anyone to be unhappy I understand, add to that her close recently died not more than a month ago plus its her time of the month right now. As I said in my original post, she is taking it all out on me as if I am the enemy, as if I did something to piss her off. I have been nothing but be good to her, but she is cold and distant torwards me and not talking to me at all. I am not expecting her to be the same as we were when times were good, but a little joy to see the love of her life would be nice to see. I am understanding and patient, but I don't want to live like this for long. EDIT: I also did not project anything about her, not repeating that again after my ex lol. I know what I got myself into, but sometimes its a bitter pill to swallow when you feel more loved by your neighbours dog than your own spouse. Edited May 9, 2014 by GrandeH Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 She uprooted her whole life to move to the other side of the planet to be with you. She has no roots here -- just you. Third world to first world is also a heck of a culture shock. There was a death in her family. If she didn't get to go home for that the reality of just how far she is from everybody else has to be sinking in. Can you do things to bring her culture to her? Perhaps as she makes friends here, her pain will ease. Can you two return to her home? Can you pay for any of her family to travel here for a vacation? You can love her through this but you will have to be VERY patient. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TAV Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 She uprooted her whole life to move to the other side of the planet to be with you. She has no roots here -- just you. Third world to first world is also a heck of a culture shock. There was a death in her family. If she didn't get to go home for that the reality of just how far she is from everybody else has to be sinking in. Can you do things to bring her culture to her? Perhaps as she makes friends here, her pain will ease. Can you two return to her home? Can you pay for any of her family to travel here for a vacation? You can love her through this but you will have to be VERY patient. In my country we also have many people from other countries/cultures. Most of them have an organised group that meets every month or so. Next to all the things suggested above maybe you can look online or via the embassy/consulate of her country for those kinds of groups. Added bonus is that people in that group are dealing/have dealt with the same issues that she is dealing with and maybe show her way to get through it. Keep showing her you are not her enemy but her friend, help her become reconnected with her own roots. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GrandeH Posted May 11, 2014 Author Share Posted May 11, 2014 I cannot thank you enough for your advice guys! I did exactly what you said and found a small community of people from her country. She now has some friends and they have been showing her around the city and hanging out while I am at work. She is much happier now and is back to her original self. I want to give you all big tight hugs right now Grazie! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted May 11, 2014 Share Posted May 11, 2014 Great news!! I wish you both a long happy future together. Link to post Share on other sites
fiatflux Posted May 11, 2014 Share Posted May 11, 2014 In the two days since your first post you've managed to do all that? I'm confused. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GrandeH Posted May 11, 2014 Author Share Posted May 11, 2014 Thanks mrs rubble! and yes flatflux I was so desparate. I already knew two people from her country that I am friends with, so I just asked them if they could keep her company for me and show her around. I had not thought of this until the suggestions by the posters above. They have been taking her to events of their small community etc. So in short, its not really me that did all of this, its my friends. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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